Sunday, July 13, 2014
There is absolutely no reason why I am writing this post. It's 3AM. I am suppose to be in bed. But, I'm not. I have 1 last thing to do tonight. Make a plan for my MCAT. Yes, we are doing this again until we get it.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
That's right. Finally, after 10 months of silent. I give you, 2014 Digital Update!
I am picking up this hobby again because it is important to me. This digital update routine has helped me overcome my past struggle and helped me learned to love myself. Also, its a great hobby!
I am glad I'm doing this again. :)
Though, the outfit wasn't that spectacular, I will try to put more effort on picking.
Friday, July 4, 2014
I have been running away from my problem lately. You know I have tried to get myself up but I have been just down in the dirt these day. Again, like I mention in the last post, this fight is not a one time battle.
Tonight, I went through another wave. But I found a nice website that help me through tonight. I want to copy& a paste this mini passage to share with you.
It's about running away from your problems.
"I learned that the other side of pain and false power is authentic power.
Paradoxically, the place where I was to find the joys that had been missing in my life was the very place I’d been running from all my life.
When I reconnected to the parts of me that I had lost, it felt like a coming-home. I learned that self-love is when we come home to ourselves. That relationship which I had sought to destroy turned out to be the very thing that would save my life in the end.
What I realize now is that we can get so overwhelmed by our imperfections that we don’t see any goodness in ourselves.
In this way, we can destroy our relationship with ourselves thinking we are flawed and beyond redemption. But it will only cut us off from the very source of joy, beauty, and love.
I see so many people addicted to substances and external relationships, believing that is where they can find these things. It will only feed into their deep inner insecurity and create more distance from themselves, the true source of joy.
I see so many people, like I once did, choosing to go to sleep and not be present to the everyday experience. I see many others who can’t stop running from one place to the next, thinking they can outrun their problem.
Freedom is found not by sleeping or running away, but by choosing to be awake and staying here long enough for the magic doors to open.
The act of moving—mindfully, with an attitude of embracing life—will take you from feeling stuck with pain to healing that pain. Move slowly and you can taste the rich array of sensations. Move too fast and you’ll miss the gifts contained in the moment.
When you get vulnerable, feel emotions, and stay true to what you are feeling, you liberate yourself from pain.
As you allow the sensations to be in your body, while gently breathing through it, you invite the natural force of change to renew you with its constant movement."
Saturday, June 28, 2014
I been bad...
I confessed! I haven't been doing what I am suppose to be doing. I have summer school but I slack. I am still down with the whole sadness of not applying to medical school this cycle.
But then again, I am still one lazy bum. I can't get myself to do anything I'm suppose to. I still have responsiblities.. but I don't do anything. Ughh.!! Unproductive to the max.
I'm not quite sure what is going on with me but ...really.. I need to get back!!
But I learn something ... True Strength is having the ability to push on despite the hardship.
In spring quarter, I was struggling with this pain and disapointment of my plans not going the way I wanted. I was sad and it make me want to do nothing. But, I learned that having strength meaning to push on and dealing each day at a time.
Actually, it was Jewlz's kind advice. The idea of taking one day at a time. I don't have to strength to solve all of my issue right now. But I have the ability to solve the issue that I am facing today.
To me, real strength is not always fighting one big battle. It is finding the courage to fight one day at a time. This is getting up. Every inch of me want to sit and mope about my misery. But, I have dream and ambition.
This blog post today must sound really weird. It's so late and I'm not really sure what I am saying anymore. Its 1:21 AM. I still have a lot of stuff do because I have putting it off the whole day.
But, I am going to try to do something.
Friday, June 20, 2014
I know.. It look like the long hard road is over. But really, it is just the beginning. I still need to get into medical school. Yup.. all those of years of studying.. it's not done yet. The most important part of this stage is getting my butt to one of those chair in medical school.
And to be honest, It's really not all fun and games. When you picture "graduation", you are thinking of balloon & flowers & celebration & pictures.. and I did have all of those things. I am very grateful for it all. Still.. I'm not there yet. Despite how much I wish I could apply to medical school this summer, my MCAT scores isn't quite there.
I am going to be honest and as down to earth as possible. I am not stupid. But my goodness am I slow. I have been training for the MCAT for months and it was going really well for a whole full month! But then, when my midterms & final started rolling in, I had to drop all of my studies to confused on these school test.
I feel terrible when I tell this to my professor & doctors. They have a lot of hope in me and I feel like I failed them in some way....
All of application is done.. I just need that MCAT scores and I don't have it. It hurts.
I blame myself for not being able to apply in the same time as my friend. I blamed myself for my inadequacy. I feel terrible. And I been in this stage for nearly a month now.
My mentors has told me that it isn't as bad as it look. But to me, it meant that I have missed an opportunities. I feel this guilt.
And honestly, nothing anyone can say to me now that can pull out of this misery that I am in. It is just a disappointment that I haven't got over yet. I know I look really bad right now. But I feel hurt like I missed my objective. I don't know where my life will lead me now that I am in this gap phase.
So, my rout toward my dream isn't really what I quite expected. I didn't expect this gap year. (Which is really 2 years). I am down. I don't know what I will do in this 2 years. It is like that feeling that you are missing the last train. And your just stuck. What now everyone?
I know I need to start picking up the pieces again. There is a lot to be done. There is a lot waiting for me to fix & put thing together. It's not gonna be easy. I have no idea how I am going to fix all of these problem.
But this isn't my first obstacles. In the mist of these sorrow, it remind me of my earlier struggles with my sexuality. It took so long and hard to admit that I like girls. :) This struggle is different. I haven't had everything figure out yet. But I'm am willing to try. I pray for guidance.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Well... Guess who graduated? :)
And Guess who came to visit?
Ladies and Gentleman, the guess speaker of my 2014 graduation is none other than the President of the United States, Barack Obama.
You can find the speech on youtube :) But.. What a day!
And the graduation pictures.. are yet to come.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
So, a lot of people has given me great advice during this stressful time. And, I really appreciate all of it. :) It was very helpful.
Going through this process, I realized how weak I am. I mean, when my life get a bit turbulent, I start to break down, freak out, and lose hope. I would cry more often and stay weak. I am not as brave or as strong as I think I am. I am really quite weak emotionally and maybe physically. And going through this experience as really taught me this lession. I need to learn to be stronger.
However, this experience has also taught me of how lucky I am. I have great people who care about me. They give me wise advices and it really help me get through it day by day.
This coming fall, 4-5 of my high school buddies will enter professional schools. Some will be dentist, pharmacist, and even optometrist. And I am very proud of them. I am very happy for them. But something in me feels really sad. I feel like I am almost left behind. My buddies who been with me for nearly 8 years of high school + college are now going to the next level and making their dream come true. But, I am here. Stuck. With no where to go. I almost feel like I am doing something wrong, or even if I have failed myself.
But this is untrue. Or this is a wrong way of thinking. My dad told me something really wised today.
My dad said to me that I should think of this journey as planting a seed. In the last 8 years, my friend are on the same path as me. But as we got to college, each of us are now choosing a different path of life, a different type of seed. Each seed germinate differently.
And in this analogy, my friends are choosing career that required a different path and require a different time span. Sure, it will be faster for them. But that doesn't make my seed any bad. I choose my seed, my path in life. And my seed is a bit slower in term of germinating, but when the time comes, it will grow.