Friday, January 23, 2015
I have taken a week off. During this time, I didn't think much about school or future or MCAT. The only thing I really did was catch up on my shows. I bringed watch the Legend of Korra for almost all 4 season in 2 day. It was an amazing series.
I really love the series for some reason and especially fond with Korra. I used to watch the show 2 years ago when I was going through my sexuality crises. I liked her a lot back then because our personality really matched. She acted in the way I can completely relate. In a way, I felt I was very much similar to her.
Now, I have rewatched all of season 1, 3, and 4. I realized that Korra has went through a lot during my absence from the series. While I was fighting my battles in college, she was also fighting her own wars through the series 2,3,and 4. I'm really glad I came back to watch the season again.
She grew so much and she went through so much. She was real to me. She faces fears, doubt, pain, and suffering. Through it all, these obstacles taught her more about life and how to live life. There was a time she ran away from herself because she couldn't face her past and her failures. She encounter fears that has paralyzed her in her own tract. Korra felt and experience the terror of fear and the pain of suffering. Korra had it rough.
But Korra eventually got back on her feet. She didn't do it alone. She has a lot of help from her friends, mentors, and family. There were people cheering her on and taking care of her during time when she lost herself. Through her difficulties, she learns her lessons. She gain empathy through her own suffering and connected better with people around her. Through her inner struggle, she found herself. Korra is braved and blessed at the same time.
The Legend of Korra helps me reflect on my path. And in a way, I truely connect with Korra. I admires her and want to be somewhat like her. Of course I do not have super power nor am I required to save the world. But I share her responsibility that there are things that I can contribute to this life with my own power. Seeing Korra face her fears and dealt with her failure, she help me realized that also I need to address my own problem.
I hope I can be as strong as Korra on my own adventures. I need to get back on my feet.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Eventhough my MCAT story had sad ending. The story would be incomplete if I didn't mention all the blessing that came through for me during this rough time.
First, it was my parents. It was in the time of tribulation when they really pull through for me. They took care of me when I fell apart. Each of them consulted me when I was too blind to see. My mom made me realized that there is only so many thing I can do. I learn to accept to my fate. It brought be peace in my mind. My dad guided me through my last few days during the test. From him, I learn to how to meet my fate. It brought me peace in my heart.
I learned that there are some thing that is above my power. There are things I cannot avoid, and I accepted the inevitable. Eventhough I am powerless, there are still certain thing I can changed. I can changed myself to help me meet my fate. It brought a lot of peace in my heart and soul to know that I have tried my best, and what happen next is above and beyond on my control.
Through this storm, I have learn many important lesson, and had some valuable guidelines that has helped me through.
"We cannot changed our fate, but we can changed how we meet it"
"Take it a day at a time" (Thanks Jewlz!)
"Those who try never fail, those who fail never try"
"Have faith that it will be okay, have strength to continue the struggle, and have courage to do the things you need to do for this path is not easy."
Also, in this troubles, I know I am not alone. Its a strange feeling, but I can't help feeling that I don't walk path this alone. I am thankful for it.
In the end, my ship has not reached harbor yet. I still need to retake the MCAT. But this time, with a different exam that I know nothing about. Its back to page 1 again. I used think that I can't lived like this anymore. But I realized that if I want to do medicine, I need to learn how to survive. I need to learn how to manage my emotions, my stressed, and how to stay together when things fall apart.
So, I am taking a few days off reboot. Then, I will set sail again.
After 4 long months, it finally ended. I took the MCAT exam. I got my scored. Its is below average score for an acceptance to medical school. I already checked the list.
Thinking about it now, I'm not sure if I'm disapointed, regret, or if I can feel anything.
My story began nearly 9 months ago when I was during my spring quarter of my senior year. I was planning to finished my MCAT and applied at the end of my senior year. It turns out, I was not ready. I studied but it was not enough to obtain a solid score to apply. I postponed my application to another year.
I put off my MCAT studies until I finally finished with summer school. When I ended my last class of the year, it was finally august. During this time, I was experiencing a burn out period. I have just completed my bachelorate degree and with no energy left to study. I was truely exhausted from school and burned out about everything that regards with books and science.
So, I took it slow. I took my month of august slowly. I being to recollect all my MCAT and start my review on the content material slowly. It was only until september when my studied finally took speed. I started to timed my productivity and make sure I was studying each and everyday. It was here when I learned how to organized my notes, practice question, and track my progress. I learned to used myfitnesspal to help track my productivity and try to improve everyday.
When October came, I was still not ready. I was just in the middle of my content review process. I was barely doing practice question. My feets were just getting used to the water. But as October beings to tick away, I can feel my time is running out. I postponed my MCAT test the 3rd time to take it during November. It was during this time when I did not make the most of my studying. I studied. But I didn't really pushed it and give it a good grip.
As November approached, my blood pressure ran high everytime I looked a the calender. I realized that I cannot take this test in november because I still did not have the score. I have secured my content material but I was too slow. My practice exam score was a 21. I panic. This is where I started to look for guidance online. I switch my study schedule to a more extreme rigor. I began taking a practice each day to get myself used to time and build up my stamina. By now, I have postponed my exam date again until December.
I gave it my all during the month of November. I was fixed on taking the exam in Decemeber. If this world fall apart, I will still be taking the exam in December. As December came closer, my average score was around a 24. I knew this was not good enough for any medical school. However, I had to take this MCAT. There is no choiced. The seats are filling up fast. I might not have another chance because this test was changing after 2015. So, I went and took the test. My score was a 25.
As a finished my december test, I wanted to give this old MCAT exam another try. I want to be able to scratch a 30 by January 2015. So, I most of my December studying my heart out. I work hard to improve my reading speed and strengthen my weakness. By the end of December, my average score was a 27. I just needed 3 more points (a 30) and I would be a qualified candidate for most medical school.
But during this time, I started to doubt myself. I have the capility to reach a 30 on a lucky day. But, my average was a 27. By now, I was starting to doubt if I can secure a 30 on my January test date. I wasn't sure, I was scared. I was scared that I might hit a 27 on my second exam. I was scared that I might drop lower then a 25 on my second exam. I realized that my range of test score can be from 24-29 on January 2015 test date.
Three day before the test, I lost courage and doubted myself. I was scared of the worst and I started having nervous break down. Pretty soon, I caught a cold and lost my voice. I was sick leading up my exam. I was not happy, I was scared and worried. I had booked my test in Arizona. All the seat ran out in california. So, I had to go to another states to take this test.
The night before the departure, I wanted to give up. I lost faith and hope. Fear and worried took control of me, and I had another nervous breakdown. I felt like I was going to die. My heart was numb, my body could not moved. I felt so helpless. I didnt want to go and faced this exam. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I could stretch out to get that 30. I cried for nearly 2 hours. I sat on the floor of my room with tears and cried like a lunatic. I fell apart. I cried, I cough, my headache got worse, my temperature slowly rises.
I asked and scream why did this happen to me. Why did the MCAT has to changed. WHY MY YEAR? OF ALL THE YEARS IN THE WORLD, IT HAS TO BE MY YEAR THAT THEY DECIDED TO CHANGE THE DAMN TEST. I HAVE STUDIED SO HARD FOR THIS TEST AND IF I WAS GIVEN ANOTHER MONTH, I CAN SECURE MY 30. I KNEW I COULD.
My score was increasingly slowly, but it was on the rised. I needed just a bit more time to secure my score. But too late, the test was within 3 days. Its too late, This is the end of the line. It hurt so much.
My mom told me that its nothing that I can changed. Its my fate. Its fate that MCAT exam decided to change during my gap year when I'm studying for this exam. It fate that I couldn't studied for this test earlier. She soften my pain when she helped me realized that there is nothing I can do now. I can either choose to take the last old MCAT before it changed or not. That is all I can do.
So, I choose to take the test. The next day, I got on the bus and travel for 8 hours to Arizona to take this test. The stayed a nice hotel with my dad. The day before the test, I broke down again. The nervous breakdown took over me again, and I wanted to give up and go home. I didn't want to face the test. I didn't want to because I'm scared of the consequences. If I'm really lucky, I'll score a 30, but if I'm not, I might score lower than a 25. I wanted to go home and void this last exam.
I called the hotel and said I will depart early the next morning. I book my trip back home a day earlier. I gave up. I simply gave up. I spent that afternoon sitting in the garden of my hotel. I was depressed. I cried again.
My dad came up next to me and he said that I should reconsider my decision. He reminded me that I have studied so hard this past month for this exam. And now, I'm ditching the exam even before I even faced it. He asked me how I would feel after I walked away from this exam and have not taken it? The answer was I would have cried and hated myself. I was hate myself so much that it would have plunged me down into another great depression. I would hate myself so much. I cried in vain for nights on ends. I will break down so many more time. I will live with regret.
So, he ask me again, to think about my decision and give him a final answer in the afternoon.
I sat on that bench in the garden. I thought about it. If I backed from this test, I would have cried on my way home. I would have regret and hated myself. I believed that I would be a lot happier die trying. I rather live a life in which I have gave it my all. I will be much happier giving it my all and failed then run away. I will meet this test to the very end. So, I told my dad I will take this test tomorrow.
So, I went back to my hotel room and spend the last of the night studying. I could not concentrate for the first 2 hours. But slowly, my head went back to work. I revieved a few concept, but my headache rises again. I was still sick and not completely well yet, so this whole stress had just worsen my headahce. But I pushed on and kept studying into the night. By 9PM, I had 1 hour left to study before heading to bed.
It was during this fine hour that I felt calm. There was this sudden calm that rosed over me that I have not felt in days. It was this sense of satisfaction and completeness. I am finally at peace with myself. I made the most of my time and study when I could. I did not care about what happen tomorrow, for today, I knew I did the best I could. Fear and worries faded away. I felt so at eased. At 10 PM, I went to bed not thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow will come, and I cannot change my fate. I can only change how I meet it.
On Tueday morning, I woke up and took my medicine. I took the taxi and went to my test place. The test started, and immediately, I could sense the difficulties of this test. This test is definitly more difficult than the previous test in the past. It was there I realized that my skill was not there yet. But I pushed on and continue to take the test. I knew that this test was not an ideal test. I would not submit my score. This version of exam is out of my reached. This is not an optimum day to pull that 30, or at least, not on this exam. I carried through the 4 hours exam.
At the end, I choose to the void the exam. This is not a test I would wish to submit my score. The difficulty ranged was a bit harder than normal. My skills is not a par with it. I void the exam and left.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I wanted to write something today. Something to get off my chest on a day like this. The image i chosed today seem a bit odd. But really, it is what I am feeling now. You can notice the sky isn't very bright. But then, its not dark either. At this moment in time, it glows pink almost like the sun is about to set. It seem like some things are coming and something that has been long avoided and it coming-the sunset.
But in a way, I don't seem it like something dark or onmorous. Instead, it feels like it comes in peace. I have waited and put this off long enough with multi-delays on this MCAT test. It is finally coming, and the last day of reregistration has slipped away.
I am not sure what to think anymore. From the perspective of my mind, I really don't know what is going to happen anyone and what will become of me when I take this test. I know at this moment, I am academically not competitive in the term of my MCAT scores which is a 24 (and that is a lucky score). The range of the offical MCAT test would be +/- 3 points. So, it could be a lot worse if something bad happen. My test day is coming closely which is less than 2 weeks ago.
Like I said, in my head, I am not sure what will happen anymore. How many tears will I have to swallow up when the offical score comes back? How would this limit my chances as an applicants? Was 4 years of toils in college all coming to a waste? All these question rages in my head as I sit here and lament on my inadquatecy. I can't cry anymore. No more tears can I shed for this matter. Maybe the waterfall of tears will come after the official test in december?
And yet, from the bottom of my heart, I know everything is going to be okay. Or at least, that is what I tell myself each night before bed. And as my heart gives in to the this inevitable event of taking the MCAT, my head is frantically searching for a solution to resolved this crisis (am I even making sense anymore?)
But at the end of the day, I tell myself one final statement. I'll fight for it. It will be okay. Whether, it rain or shine, it will be okay. I pat myself and cried it turn bad if the worse come. I don't know. (I am sorry for this depressing post. Its the only place I can vent my feeling without worrying people. I tried not to let my thoughts out to others because I don't want to make people close to me more sad and depressed.)
I don't know what will happen or if I will get another shot at this MCAT before it changed. If I canceled now, will it be too late to reregister again? So, am I going to submit this score? What will it be?
Hmm.. My scores are not ready. I am too slow and not strong on my science. I am too slow on my verbal. And, the MCAT is changing. Goodness, the stress lol. And yet, I put such a peaceful picture for this post when the content is downright depressing.
Well, I have given up on worrying. I have let go on my fears. What will come will come. I will meet it. For better or worse, I am here. I am not running anymore. This confrontation is long overdew. If death is what will meet me, I will die in honor because I gave it my best shot. Or I can die in vain because I refused to submit the score on test day.
I feel uncertain and unsure. I feel like I am walking into the unknown. I have accepted the feeling of the worse. I don't know if I am losing hope or just being extremely calm.
Either way, lets stop thinking. I'm just going to do my job which is get ready for this test. Shall we?