Tuesday, June 30, 2015
So, for the past two days, I sat down and wrote out my thoughts and reflection about all the things I have done for the last 4 years. There was a lot of thoughts to go through, a lot of feeling and emotion that need to be unfolded and put into papers. So, I been crafting a drafts of all my thoughts and feeling. There was this one volunteer program that I have been affiliated for a year and I wanted to put it as a personal statement because it has been an integral part of my life for the the last year. At first, I could not say anything about it. I don't know what how to unlock these feeling and thoughts, but eventually, thought started to pour out and slowly but carefully I typed down my experience. Its funny how it came out, the ideas came out like a flow of water. I am glad I got something on papers.
So, I basically spent the last few hours typing out a story that I am trying to build as I connect all the pieces together and hopefully figure out my overarching theme.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Tonight, I am writing stories. A lot of stories. Basically, I am recounting everything from the beginning of time. Just kidding... but it really feel a lot like it. I am basically writing about all the significant expeirence that has happened to me in college. Of course, its not that dramatic, but I am writing about my activities in college and what it meant for me. I almost feel like I am telling a bunch of stories.. like a what I am doing is trying to craft each and every pearl and somehow connect them into a string of beads. Each event is different but each all significant. I have no idea how this is going to work. I feel like I have a bunch of stuff to figure out...
And they all want this on the application. Oh boy, I have no idea how this going to work.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
So, last week, I was involved in this summer program coaching little kids. It was really fun.
In the process of doing a powerpoint, I download a bunch of virus. I don't know what happen, it got into my computer and kinda damage my browser and it was pretty bad.
But, tonight, I download an antivirus software. And also, I learned to restart all of my browser stuff. Now, I am very sleepy. I wanted to write a lot more but the installation and antivirus stuff took so long. But I will hopefully write tomorrow.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
So, I took the MCAT today. And I submitted it. Its been a long and hard struggle. From the very beginning and up till today, It has been one rocky rocky ride. I don't know what will happen now. But I know that I walked into that test scared and terrified. So, I prayed. I prayed that I would have the courage to step into my fear, the strength to continue this fight and a calm and clear mind to complete the task at hand.
And so, I went into to the test knowning that I have done all I can. I have exhaust the material that is offered to me at this time and used up all the time I have left to study. I have put in time studying the content, and spent time in developing the skill and strategy to complete the test. And today, I took the test knowing I really did the best I can to best of my abilities. And, when I finished, I cried. I don't know, it was an extremely emotional process just finishing the exam. I just pray I have a good enough score to get into medical school.
But after the long hiatus, I am back.
I don't know if I was really living in the last couple of months. I know down to the last 2 months, it felt very difficult to breath and keep going. I kept having mental breakdown every few days. It was knew I cried a lot and did a lot of thinking. It made me question about my life and my decision and my goals. It made me realized more about the people around me and understand their plight. But I will delve into those talks later.
But tonight, I just want to be glad that I am finally back to this blog. I felt protected all throughout my test today. I not sure if I want to run you through the complete detai of how the test went. But I want to let you know I did the best I could.
As for now, What now... Well...I am staring a summer job this monday! I get to play and teach kids and get them excited about science! :)
Oh, And i'm going to hit the gym, clean my room, get a NEW DIGITIAL UPDATE UP.. and hm.. go watch that one movie on threater. Then, make that video about rivers protection.
And... with all hope and prayers, I hope I may have the priviledge to apply to medical school this coming cycle.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Yes, I think I am overabusing this picture.
But, Let play it one more time.
Guys, I know we been talking about the MCAT for the last year. And there comes a time when we have to stop talking. I don't want to say much because I really been talking too much and things never seem to clear. To be honest, I am not sure what will happen in the next coming months. But whatever happen, I hope I have the courage to step into my fear, the strength to continue this fight, and a clear mind to complete the task at hand. I pray for guidance.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
"Courage we must have, Courage we must be."
I been not feeling so well lately. My dad said I need to get over it. My mom say have strength. My friends said you'll carry through. I am trying to have courage. I'm trying to be strong. I think about Korra. Even Korra went through hell. Even Korra suffer & fall. I know she is just a fictional character, but she means a lot to me. Korra have strength to fight through her odds.
Friday, April 24, 2015
I took a morning call today when my doctor asked me about my schedule, and then she ask me what if this goes all south and I have to take the MCAT again. And, I thought... omg.. a third time? It seems like trip to hell with more stakes and more treachery.. and for a second, I thought I can't do this again.
I can't do this anymore. I'm going to die. Someone kill me now if I have to take the MCAT the third time, and what happen if that too goes south!?! Where will my life go? What if I die before I can actually take the MCAT? Will I die taking the MCAT? And all of this thought span in my head. Maybe, I'll spend the rest of my life taking the MCAT. And this is the end of me. The MCAT calls my name.
And all of this feeling rushes through my head. And it just make me want to cry, and cry so hard. Its has been a very long and ardious and tearful journey with this MCAT and just thinking doing it again for the 3rd or 4th time sound like a death sentence that I don't think I can ever get over and probably die in the process of taking the MCAT.
And then, It occurs to me. I really really want to this damn job. I know I might be stupid, slow, dumb, and everything above, but I want this damn so bad. And if I have to take this MCAT exam when I'm 80, I will still be taking it. I'll take it till my death bed.
And I have all this dysfunctional thoughts about myself and my life. When I was doing a practice passage that I completely failed, I just want to give up. My head was saying, "dude, maybe this is a sign you weren't meant for it", "dude, ur too stupid for this stuff, may we're too stupid to be become a doctor", and "crap, my life suck, I suck, I dont' deserved to be a doctor." , "and maybe I shouldn't be a doctor." ..."ooh, why am I so stupid, so dumb, so not good enough.." ..
and it suck. It suck to realized that things has been hard, and I just want to cry, quit, give up and never ever think about this again. I just think I'm the worse of the whole entire universe.
But then I thought about all the things that around me. First, I remember a little quote from a time my fellow MCAT buddy shared with me. She said "In order for a man to become man, he needs to undergo great struggle and complication so that he can understand more about life and about himself. Until he goes through that process, he can never mature to become a man and simply be just a bigger version of a boy." So, I realized, maybe this is my journey, maybe this is my sin and my hardship that I have must bear.
I am far from the ending. I am far from what I wanted. I don't know how long this MCAT exam will be with me. I don't know how long my path will take or where I'm going and where I am years from now. But I know I really want this.. until all the bones break in my body, until I accidently die of something stupid, I'll still be studying for this exam. Maybe life will come out of nowhere and I die tomorrow, but god damn it, I'll be studying.
So, as I cry, and feel terrible, I just hear a little voice in my head saying, "its okay, get up, let me give you a hand, lets do another passage." "lets do one more practice passage at a time." "come on, get up, let me give you a hand.", and with that voice, I did another practice passage. and in my head I scream, "I'M NOT ASKING TO GET INTO MED SCHOOL, I'M JUST ASKING TO DO THIS PASSGE A BIT FASTER", and thats it.
And here I am sitting with you tonight, I have to get to bed tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to prepare for this MCAT. I feel lost and hopeless. I have nothing except a belief that I want this.