Friday, March 6, 2015
For the last few days, I have been having the case of "what if". What if my MCAT score dont' pull thorugh? what happen if the i dont' make it through this cycle of application? what happen if I can't apply? What happen the MCAT 2015 is completely different from what I expected? What happen if that one professor won't write my letter of rec? What happen if I don't get a good letter? What happen if I some how die before being able to apply to medical school? What happen if I never make it in? What if ....
And so, these question haunts me and I try to push it away, but they always pop back up.
The risk is there. The MCAT. The Letter of Rec.The Application. The possible failures.. it all scares the hell out of me. And I am terrified. I don't want to think of what will happen if that is the case. I will probably cry a lot. I will first cry..
But, this isn't the time to think of such what ifs question...
Thursday, March 5, 2015
This is an usually thing to say today. I originally planned write a little excerpt about my day. But, I this will be a different change of pace.
I came across an article today about North Korea. This is a recent picture taken in north korea. It suprises me at first because of the farm equipment the man is using and the fact that the women is riding a bicycle.
It struck me at first because I thought "who uses bicycle anymore?" Please don't get me wrong, I have been to Vietnam, which is still consider to a poor asian nation, and even then people are using motorcylce. Bicycle has been outdate even in poor asian nation for nearly 10-15 years already. But the fact that this women uses it, (and what it seems like a majority of north korean still uses it) shocks me a little. It peaks volumes of the underdeveloped nation and how the people are very restrictive in term of technology over there.
I don't know, it sadden me a bit. I hope the north Korea government may change it policy soon and allow for modern development. I want to see these people lives improve. I want to see growth & development in this country. I want their government to open up their doors and allows for their people with greater freedom to pursue their interest and make a better living.
These pictures struck a little string in my heart because my parents came from a very poor family. My family was not well-off. Twenty years ago, my mom was no more than this lady in the picture. My dad was work on a farm like this man in the background. This is why these picture made it so personal to me. I did not live during my parents time period, but I knew it was hard for my mom and dad. So, I really hope that things change for these people.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
I read an couple article today that might change the way I have been treating myself. Especially, the mental voice that is going on in my head sometime. I don't want to dwell too much into the topic because it is late and I have class early tomorrow morning. I just want to say that eventhough I was going through that hardship with dealing with my struggle for the MCAT, I was sad, and my parents were worried. They loved me a lot and they care for me greatly. My mom even cook my favorite meal the night after to help cheer me up a bit. And tomorrow, she going to cook my favorite fattening chicken meal that I love so much.
I feel very fortunate to have such wonderful parents who care so much for me. And I am fortunate to be on this road. I used to think that my life right now is kinda dark and rainy and it looks pretty diffcult, but when its dark, I guess I can really get to appreciate the stars.
Friday, February 27, 2015
So, I stood outside my professor office today waiting for her to come. She had office hours today. But she didn't came. She was sick. So I stood out there for awhile. While I stood there, I was a bit exhausted, a bit nervous, a bit sweaty, a bit unsure of what will come. During that 10-15 minutes I waited, time tick very slowly. I was back at my old school and I can't help feeling that I am still here. All my friends are gone somewhere and doing their own things. They are most affiliated with other universities now and progressing in their education and careers and yet I am still here.
Don't get me wrong, I love my school. I love being back and walking around the campus. But in a way, I feel a bit of nogestelia and missing my friends and our moments together. And I stood on that 4th floor of the research building, I saw myself standing in the middle of the hallway as people walk by. I was waiting for my professor.
I don't know, I thought it was hard. This path is hard. There is so many hurddle I had to jump through and there are still many more to come. I'm not done. At least not for my path. There is still a long stretch left to paddle through and push forward. Medicine is a hard path. Pursing to become a physician is crazy. I feel a lot like this lady running out into the winter landscape, but even worse, because I feel that there is a lot of rain and snow hitting me right now. But you know, sometime life rains. So, I am standing there in front of my professor office and I realized, its is really a toil. But, it is something I need to do. So, it must be done somehow.
I guess the picture above is really to show that I am treading my own path. One footprint at a time.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Its 11 PM. And yet, my work is not done. I got piles of chapters to read, notes to take, practice problems to do, passages to correct, and so forth... and days and days worth of material to catch up. I feel that if I did stay up 5 nights in a row, I won't even be able to catch up to the work load right now.
My buddy text me today asking about "How MCAT going?" I didn't reply because I didn't know the answer to that question. To be very honest, I'm really not even sure how its going. Its an avalanch of work falling on me. I'm drowning, and at the same time, exhausted, and above all, I feel overwhelmed. And at the end of the day, I still got tons of work waiting for me to do. And tomrrow, I got class and an important meeting to attend. I'm need to sleep.. but that chapter of psychology needs reading.
Let me complain here guys. There is no where I can complain too. My parents are tired of me talking about it. Its all i think about and talk about. Okay, I really have to stop. This is really unhealthy. Let me try to get something done before the clock strike 12. I'm not broken. Just a bit beaten. A bit dent. A bit torn. A bit dirt ridden. A bit lost. A bit lonely. I feel alone sometime. But definitly not broken. Because, its dark right now for me. But I can sure tell you I see a lot of stars right now. They glow and they remind me that these stars once upon time no much more than me. They went through a lot of pressure, put under crazy heat, and for an extent of time, and just when it seem impossible, they pull through and become a glowing ball of gas that radiate their lights millions of light years away so that anyone look for it will feel its warmth.
LOL.. don't ask me what I was thinking. I'm a bit dilusion but 100% alive.
Yesterday night was ...a bit expressive. I'm okay. I'm still alive and living. My mom cook one of my favorite meal tonight. My dad help changed the lights in my study room. The earth is still spinning.
Apart from yesterday part, things is okay. I'm breathing. I'm getting a bit more chubber now. I would really like to get back into shape again.
But, what happen was.. I woke up today really tired. I stayed up to 2AM because I was crying and I was really sad. My dad caught me up and encouraged me to sleep. I went to bed.
It was not until this morning did I realized how exhausted I was. I was out of energy but my head was still functioning. I went to class and sat through lecture. Through the lecture, I couldn't help feeling inadequate about myself again. But it was after class that gave me a different perspective. I studied with 2 other girls for several hours. We studied, but in addition, we also talk a bit about medical school and the application processes. We shared our MCAT fears and worries. I felt a lot better after socalizing with them. In a way, I feel like I wasn't alone.
I talk to one of the girls about her journey, and she said it was hard. But she still think its worth it. And in her, I see a very fine future doctor. I met a physician that has a similar spirit like her. I can see a doctor in this friend of mine. And yet, she is still a premed just like me. We're all studying, struggling, and getting ready for that application date.
It really made me feel better. I didnt' feel so stupid anymore. I don't know, I just feel that I could relate to there struggle, and I'm not alone. I don't know, maybe it was nice laughing with a couple people once in awhile.
And another fortunate thing happen today, one of my teacher gave me a free book about personal statement. It was nice because I get to read all of the stories of people like myself when they were still finding themselves.
I know I am not perfect. And I realized that I do not have to be. I realized that my parents love me a lot. I learned a christian phrase from a song "Love is patience, love is kind." And I realized that my mom is still going through a phase. She loves me and she is slowly trying to learn to accept this new aspect in my life. I will wait for her until she won't see my sexuality as a burden or sin. I will wait. Sometime, I feel it might be too much for me to ask her to cross so much barrier for me. But it is okay, I love her regardless.
Either way, don't be alarm if I continue to post those depressing post like last night. This journey has its high & its low. I want to share to you both sides. Its going to be a bumpy ride, but ...walk with me.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Don't mind this post. I just want to rant and write a few things that been making me feel very sad.
I don't know what I am Thinking really. Some night, like tonight, I really don't know if I'm smart enough to be a doctor. Maybe I'm too slow or something, I just feel a terrible about myself. I understand all of my class notes, and even the lesion plan but it just take a lot of time. And I'm so slow when it comes to doing problems and timing. I just feel like a failure in myself
I know this is stupid, but I am conflicted. I feel very blessed to be living this life, but at the same time I don't think I deserved any of this. I feel like if someone else was born in my shoe, they probably be able to do a better job than me. I feel like il quite selfish too. Gosh, I'm such a terrible person. I feel like all these opportunities and this life is wasted on me. I just feel like someone can do a better job than me.
I feel like I disappoint my family and parents. I told my mom i don't want to marry a man when I grow up. She was so sad. I feel like I disappoint my parents for loving a girl. It hurts to know how imperfect and terrible of a daughter I am.
I don't know , I feel like a terrible daughter to my parents. I don't feel like a very good person. I sometime feel like my family and my parents deserved a better daughter. I even feel that if someone who lived my life would be even better. I feel inadequate about myself and life. I don't feel like I'm good enough.
This suck ass. It really suck so much. I don't see it tonight. At least, tonight I don't see it at all. I just have a feeling inadequate about myself. I feel life is wasted on me. Someone else can do a better job than me.
Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I'm not crazy enough to do something stupid. I just feel very small tonight. I feel very less than a person.