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Healthy Living: Fire

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Yes, I think I am overabusing this picture.
But, Let play it one more time.

Guys, I know we been talking about the MCAT for the last year. And there comes a time when we have to stop talking. I don't want to say much because I really been talking too much and things never seem to clear. To be honest, I am not sure what will happen in the next coming months. But whatever happen, I hope I have the courage to step into my fear, the strength to continue this fight, and a clear mind to complete the task at hand. I pray for guidance.

Healthy Living: Have courage

Thursday, April 30, 2015

"Courage we must have, Courage we must be."

I been not feeling so well lately. My dad said I need to get over it. My mom say have strength. My friends said you'll carry through. I am trying to have courage. I'm trying to be strong. I think about Korra. Even Korra went through hell. Even Korra suffer & fall. I know she is just a fictional character, but she means a lot to me. Korra have strength to fight through her odds.

Healthy Living: Striving Through

Friday, April 24, 2015

I took a morning call today when my doctor asked me about my schedule, and then she ask me what if this goes all south and I have to take the MCAT again. And, I thought... omg.. a third time? It seems like trip to hell with more stakes and more treachery.. and for a second, I thought I can't do this again.

I can't do this anymore. I'm going to die. Someone kill me now if I have to take the MCAT the third time, and what happen if that too goes south!?! Where will my life go? What if I die before I can actually take the MCAT? Will I die taking the MCAT? And all of this thought span in my head. Maybe, I'll spend the rest of my life taking the MCAT. And this is the end of me. The MCAT calls my name.

And all of this feeling rushes through my head. And it just make me want to cry, and cry so hard. Its has been a very long and ardious and tearful journey with this MCAT and just thinking doing it again for the 3rd or 4th time sound like a death sentence that I don't think I can ever get over and probably die in the process of taking the MCAT.

And then, It occurs to me. I really really want to this damn job. I know I might be stupid, slow, dumb, and everything above, but I want this damn so bad. And if I have to take this MCAT exam when I'm 80, I will still be taking it. I'll take it till my death bed.

And I have all this dysfunctional thoughts about myself and my life. When I was doing a practice passage that I completely failed, I just want to give up. My head was saying, "dude, maybe this is a sign you weren't meant for it", "dude, ur too stupid for this stuff, may we're too stupid to be become a doctor", and "crap, my life suck, I suck, I dont' deserved to be a doctor." , "and maybe I shouldn't be a doctor." ..."ooh, why am I so stupid, so dumb, so not good enough.." ..

and it suck. It suck to realized that things has been hard, and I just want to cry, quit, give up and never ever think about this again. I just think I'm the worse of the whole entire universe.

But then I thought about all the things that around me. First, I remember a little quote from a time my fellow MCAT buddy shared with me. She said "In order for a man to become man, he needs to undergo great struggle and complication so that he can understand more about life and about himself. Until he goes through that process, he can never mature to become a man and simply be just a bigger version of a boy." So, I realized, maybe this is my journey, maybe this is my sin and my hardship that I have must bear.

I am far from the ending. I am far from what I wanted. I don't know how long this MCAT exam will be with me. I don't know how long my path will take or where I'm going and where I am years from now. But I know I really want this.. until all the bones break in my body, until I accidently die of something stupid, I'll still be studying for this exam. Maybe life will come out of nowhere and I die tomorrow, but god damn it, I'll be studying.

So, as I cry, and feel terrible, I just hear a little voice in my head saying, "its okay, get up, let me give you a hand, lets do another passage." "lets do one more practice passage at a time." "come on, get up, let me give you a hand.", and with that voice, I did another practice passage. and in my head I scream, "I'M NOT ASKING TO GET INTO MED SCHOOL, I'M JUST ASKING TO DO THIS PASSGE A BIT FASTER", and thats it.

And here I am sitting with you tonight, I have to get to bed tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to prepare for this MCAT. I feel lost and hopeless. I have nothing except a belief that I want this.

Healthy Living: Old news, new news, all the news

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

So, I am stressed out again over this MCAT exam. There's now a few new curveball to the test. I feel so inadequate right now thinking about this exam.

Healthy Living: Oddly Odd -The things of the Heart

Monday, April 20, 2015

Since its sunday night, lets just get down & dirty with our thoughts & feeling. Why not?

I was thinking of writing something here tonight, but when I got to the webpage, I was reluctant to add a note. One of the main reason is that tonight, I feel very indifferent. Today works went accordingly, I'm a little stress out about the MCAT, but I calmed myself by talking some sensed to myself. I guess, I didn't want to write because there wasn't much to write about today.

Eventhough my life today was uneventful today(I just sit a room for 10 hr+ and even then I'm not sure how productive today's work was)..either way, I wanted to share with you something that made me very happy lately.

It is this manga story written by a korean artist. The title is called "Fluttering Feeling". This a same-sex romance manga that I have fallen in love with for the last few months. Its is a weekly update and the story line is pretty authentic and quite realistic in this modern age.

This manga has a great influence on me. I waited everyweek for its next released and reading it bring joy to me so much. It is my guilty pleasure and is currently the highlight in my uneventful romantic life. I don't know, I just fell in love with the characters and how the story unfolds.

Sometime, I ponder what would happen if the manga artist stop posting for a week. I think I would go crazy as a fan-girl. I find it odd how someone somewhere I have no relation to has such an important impact in my life. Their work and their art touched me greatly and fill a large a chunk of my thoughts. When I'm not thinking about school & medicine, I am thinking of "Fluttering Feeling".

It really fills the gaps in my empty heart, and teaches me what it is like to really love a girl. It make me see that love flows in a very natural process from one human being to another. There is no definition, there is no words that can describe the way these girls depict feelings. It hit harder and deeper than any work of the current media's representation of love that I have seen lately.

This manga has a special hold in my heart. I will forever edging and waiting for every Sunday to come so I can read the next chapter. It really add colors to my life and put a big smile on my face.

Healthy Living: I Must go

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Okay, Um... According to my calander, I'm behind schedule. My mentor doctored emailed me today asking why I missed the meeting (He's a really nice guy), and my head is rolling, and my tolerance lvl is pretty high at this point. I been studying a lot lately.. and pretty long hours too.. I am at my  limit of irruption of "not giving a care about any  thing anymore"... but the only thing holding me back from irrupting into fury of emotion is that I'm a bit too exhausted to do so..

So, Tonight, instead of finishing the rest of my schedule, I decided to take a break...and not do anything.

I'm gonna fool around, surf the web, listen to old song, get in bed on time. Because,I need it.

Healthy Living: Someone in bed tonight

Saturday, April 11, 2015

I took a practice test today for my MCAT exam. I showed some improvement. So..I guess something is working. But after the practice exam, I am pretty tired. I want to stay up tonight and lazy around surfing the web. I don't know, I didn't want to sleep yet. But I'm quite exhausted to be honest. But I want to lazy around and surf the internet. I'm not exactly sure what my schedule is tomorrow. I will have to check my calendar.

But, I know tonight, someone is going to bed right now. Her name is Alex. Her name is Gerlie. These two ladies are preparing for the MCAT exam soon. I know they will be up tomorrow morning and preparing for another practice test. Just thinking about them... I can't stay up late.

I need to sleep to get ready tomorrow. I know they will be there studying bright and early tomorrow. I know they will be there trying all their might for the upcoming exam. So, I can't fool around tonight. I need to be in bed soon...because they are in bed tonight. Then, I should too.

About Me

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Hi! My name is Jenny. I am currently a college student. I am very very academic oriented. I want a career in the healthy care field one day! :)