Do you like this picture above? For some reason, I really like it. In this picture, I feel it adds dept to this women. Even though we cannot see her face or front side, I feel like you can tell a lot about her just by looking at this picture.
For one thing, I just feel that this person bleed. She is a human being. She have many complexion, may shades to her. She is not just a one demonsional character, she is an ever-growing person. She loves, she hates, she envys, she can be shy, she can be scared, she can be bold, she have shortcoming, she have fears, she have problems that also irks her.
For me, I feels that she represent complexity and diversity. She is more than just a women we see on a poster or on some TV show. She fits many stereotypes that was given to her by society, but she also have things that make her different. As much as she is normal, she is also abnormal.
And through this, maybe I can't paint to you a picture of what I am going through right now.
I have been reading some of my old post and I felt that every single time I opened my discussion about school, it always feel like I'm complaining. I'm whinning and venting about my busy life. And therefore, when people ask me these day "how is your life going", I simply just try to stray away from the topic. Because, I'm sure you all know the answer.
But lately, I been able to have some down time (Well, it's not really a down time, but I need the break or not I'll go crazy.) Anyway, as I have this downtime, old thoughts and feeling have come back to haunt me.
For instant, I am feeling like I'm fighting a war on 3 fronts. On one side, I'm worry about MCAT, on another side I'm worried about my current grades, and finally I'm worried about myself. You see, I'm a little different from many of my friends is because I really don't have all the things figure out.
I am quite unsure about my future. I'm not sure about my identity. And, I'm not proud to be different. Sometime, I tried to get myself so busy with other school task just to hide away these doubts. I feel that I know very little about myself. I have my sexuality issue that I have still not solved. It bugs me once in a while. It's just suck sometime when you don't know. And sometime, I feel really afraid and lonely because I have to go through these things. Come on, a normal girl would never really face this issue. But then again, I know this is stupid. Everybody have problems. We all face different devils.
I always felt that there is constant battle within me. On one side, I love being different. I love being unique in a sense that I sometime feel that my sexuality add this spice to my life. It make everything harder but still there is this mystery and adventure in it. And come on, not everyone is born liking the same gender. At least this make me somewhat different. And as a bio major, diversity is always good. It helsp the species navigate through the changes in nature and to be able to adapt to whatever life through at you. BUT, on the other side, I would really like to just never have this problem in the first place. I would like to be simple. It's nice to know what is expected out of you, and what your life is going to be like. It's nice not to have to struggle to find yourself. It's nice to just blend in with the crowd.
And in the end, I really don't know. I often don't have time to talk about this area of my life because I'm always so busy in school. But I feel like these type of reflection is very important to me. Sometime, through my crazy life right now, I feel this is only pleasurable thing I can do that would release many of my stress and fear. It's my outlet :)
