Healthy Living: Have courage

"Courage we must have, Courage we must be."

I been not feeling so well lately. My dad said I need to get over it. My mom say have strength. My friends said you'll carry through. I am trying to have courage. I'm trying to be strong. I think about Korra. Even Korra went through hell. Even Korra suffer & fall. I know she is just a fictional character, but she means a lot to me. Korra have strength to fight through her odds.

Healthy Living: Striving Through

I took a morning call today when my doctor asked me about my schedule, and then she ask me what if this goes all south and I have to take the MCAT again. And, I thought... omg.. a third time? It seems like trip to hell with more stakes and more treachery.. and for a second, I thought I can't do this again.

I can't do this anymore. I'm going to die. Someone kill me now if I have to take the MCAT the third time, and what happen if that too goes south!?! Where will my life go? What if I die before I can actually take the MCAT? Will I die taking the MCAT? And all of this thought span in my head. Maybe, I'll spend the rest of my life taking the MCAT. And this is the end of me. The MCAT calls my name.

And all of this feeling rushes through my head. And it just make me want to cry, and cry so hard. Its has been a very long and ardious and tearful journey with this MCAT and just thinking doing it again for the 3rd or 4th time sound like a death sentence that I don't think I can ever get over and probably die in the process of taking the MCAT.

And then, It occurs to me. I really really want to this damn job. I know I might be stupid, slow, dumb, and everything above, but I want this damn so bad. And if I have to take this MCAT exam when I'm 80, I will still be taking it. I'll take it till my death bed.

And I have all this dysfunctional thoughts about myself and my life. When I was doing a practice passage that I completely failed, I just want to give up. My head was saying, "dude, maybe this is a sign you weren't meant for it", "dude, ur too stupid for this stuff, may we're too stupid to be become a doctor", and "crap, my life suck, I suck, I dont' deserved to be a doctor." , "and maybe I shouldn't be a doctor." ..."ooh, why am I so stupid, so dumb, so not good enough.." ..

and it suck. It suck to realized that things has been hard, and I just want to cry, quit, give up and never ever think about this again. I just think I'm the worse of the whole entire universe.

But then I thought about all the things that around me. First, I remember a little quote from a time my fellow MCAT buddy shared with me. She said "In order for a man to become man, he needs to undergo great struggle and complication so that he can understand more about life and about himself. Until he goes through that process, he can never mature to become a man and simply be just a bigger version of a boy." So, I realized, maybe this is my journey, maybe this is my sin and my hardship that I have must bear.

I am far from the ending. I am far from what I wanted. I don't know how long this MCAT exam will be with me. I don't know how long my path will take or where I'm going and where I am years from now. But I know I really want this.. until all the bones break in my body, until I accidently die of something stupid, I'll still be studying for this exam. Maybe life will come out of nowhere and I die tomorrow, but god damn it, I'll be studying.

So, as I cry, and feel terrible, I just hear a little voice in my head saying, "its okay, get up, let me give you a hand, lets do another passage." "lets do one more practice passage at a time." "come on, get up, let me give you a hand.", and with that voice, I did another practice passage. and in my head I scream, "I'M NOT ASKING TO GET INTO MED SCHOOL, I'M JUST ASKING TO DO THIS PASSGE A BIT FASTER", and thats it.

And here I am sitting with you tonight, I have to get to bed tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to prepare for this MCAT. I feel lost and hopeless. I have nothing except a belief that I want this.

Healthy Living: Old news, new news, all the news

So, I am stressed out again over this MCAT exam. There's now a few new curveball to the test. I feel so inadequate right now thinking about this exam.

Healthy Living: Oddly Odd -The things of the Heart

Since its sunday night, lets just get down & dirty with our thoughts & feeling. Why not?

I was thinking of writing something here tonight, but when I got to the webpage, I was reluctant to add a note. One of the main reason is that tonight, I feel very indifferent. Today works went accordingly, I'm a little stress out about the MCAT, but I calmed myself by talking some sensed to myself. I guess, I didn't want to write because there wasn't much to write about today.

Eventhough my life today was uneventful today(I just sit a room for 10 hr+ and even then I'm not sure how productive today's work was)..either way, I wanted to share with you something that made me very happy lately.

It is this manga story written by a korean artist. The title is called "Fluttering Feeling". This a same-sex romance manga that I have fallen in love with for the last few months. Its is a weekly update and the story line is pretty authentic and quite realistic in this modern age.

This manga has a great influence on me. I waited everyweek for its next released and reading it bring joy to me so much. It is my guilty pleasure and is currently the highlight in my uneventful romantic life. I don't know, I just fell in love with the characters and how the story unfolds.

Sometime, I ponder what would happen if the manga artist stop posting for a week. I think I would go crazy as a fan-girl. I find it odd how someone somewhere I have no relation to has such an important impact in my life. Their work and their art touched me greatly and fill a large a chunk of my thoughts. When I'm not thinking about school & medicine, I am thinking of "Fluttering Feeling".

It really fills the gaps in my empty heart, and teaches me what it is like to really love a girl. It make me see that love flows in a very natural process from one human being to another. There is no definition, there is no words that can describe the way these girls depict feelings. It hit harder and deeper than any work of the current media's representation of love that I have seen lately.

This manga has a special hold in my heart. I will forever edging and waiting for every Sunday to come so I can read the next chapter. It really add colors to my life and put a big smile on my face.

Healthy Living: I Must go

Okay, Um... According to my calander, I'm behind schedule. My mentor doctored emailed me today asking why I missed the meeting (He's a really nice guy), and my head is rolling, and my tolerance lvl is pretty high at this point. I been studying a lot lately.. and pretty long hours too.. I am at my  limit of irruption of "not giving a care about any  thing anymore"... but the only thing holding me back from irrupting into fury of emotion is that I'm a bit too exhausted to do so..

So, Tonight, instead of finishing the rest of my schedule, I decided to take a break...and not do anything.

I'm gonna fool around, surf the web, listen to old song, get in bed on time. Because,I need it.

Healthy Living: Someone in bed tonight

I took a practice test today for my MCAT exam. I showed some improvement. So..I guess something is working. But after the practice exam, I am pretty tired. I want to stay up tonight and lazy around surfing the web. I don't know, I didn't want to sleep yet. But I'm quite exhausted to be honest. But I want to lazy around and surf the internet. I'm not exactly sure what my schedule is tomorrow. I will have to check my calendar.

But, I know tonight, someone is going to bed right now. Her name is Alex. Her name is Gerlie. These two ladies are preparing for the MCAT exam soon. I know they will be up tomorrow morning and preparing for another practice test. Just thinking about them... I can't stay up late.

I need to sleep to get ready tomorrow. I know they will be there studying bright and early tomorrow. I know they will be there trying all their might for the upcoming exam. So, I can't fool around tonight. I need to be in bed soon...because they are in bed tonight. Then, I should too.

Healthy Living: The bet

I asked one of my buddies today "What time are you coming to the office tomorrow?"
and she replied "The goal is to always be here at 7AM."

Well, what are we waiting for? To bed!

Healthy Living: Wind in Hair

Today, I visited two of my professor who wrote letter of recommendation for me. I am very grateful for their help so I thought I should get something nice. I got my professor a box of chocolate. I hope they like sweets.

My head is a bit off tonight. Like.. off. I can't seem to get all my thoughts aligned. My buddies are getting to class at 8AM tomorrow. Its almost 2 AM and I'm not in bed. Hmmm.. what's wrong with me...

I dont' know. I guess I want to share with you a few things that happen today. One of the best thing that happen today was that I got to have a nice chat with one of my professor. He told me about his family, his students, his current class, and his jobs. I don't know, it cheer me up just listen to him.

I really really enjoy our short but sweet conversation.

Healthy Living: Did I say chill?

So I check the amount of time I have left & the amount of stuff I have to do & the score I'm suppose to get & the day I'm suppose to get it done & the time I have to sleep & the time I can breath & the time when I question my life decision & the time I miss my college crush & the when I have to decide what to do & my life expectancy &.. and at the VERY END... I question how long I can live with this kind of stuff I have to....

Okay, chill. I'm gonna take this one day at a time. Lets go to bed for tomorrow.

Healthy Living: The week

What was this week like?
Hmm.. I really don't know what to say. This week was this week. Right now, I really don't want to think too far away. I just want to think of what is right in front of me, and that is heading to bed. I have class & work tomorrow.

This week, is really this week. I don't know.. I kinda felt that I looked back a little bit too much this week, especially with thoughts of people I knew in the past. It is maybe that I do miss all my buddies from college. And that this post-college life thing, it make me really miss them. All of them. And I look back and rethinking what would be life be like if I took certain steps and choose a different path. Either way, all my buddies are gone now. Its just me. I don't know what to feel. I miss my friends from college. I miss what could have been and what could be now. I really miss the college past. Yet my life keep moving forward.

Like a train that continuously pulling me toward the future, I leave this past behind. And I miss everything that was in it, and I really don't want to think too much about all the things about the future. I just want to sit here tonight, and tell you that I am in between.

Healthy living: Dang this is deep

Korra is one of the animated character that i really admire, and feel that I can relate to in a lot of way. Sometime, I wish I was like her. Strong, brave, powerful, courageous, determine and yet also delicate, graceful, understand, and intact with her self conscent. (Naruto is my favorite male character)

I thought this image was powerful.