I uh, bought a new camera today. I welcomed it into our family. And then, there are a part of me that wanted to cry. I visited my mentor today. We talked, laughed, and baffled around. And then, I shared with her the problem that has been troubling me for so long. I talked about my crush and the predicament. And, like many advice I have received in the past, my mentor echoed the same messaged.
I like her perspective and insight a lot because she gives a very unique spin to the situation. She brought something different to the table.
1. For one thing, she told me about her friends broken relationship. These were the pharm students who found each other in pharm school, dated through all 4 years, graduated as the perfect couple, and got engaged after graduation. These individuals had their life planned and with great partners who they would begin their life with. But only upon graduation did they realized that life has different plans for each of them. In one case, the couple broke up their engagement because she realized that she did not love heir fiance as much as she anticipated. She fell for someone else, he was a great big jerk, and she left the great man for a worser man.
And in the second case, the couple also had a great relationship in pharm school, got engaged, they separated for residency, and the girl was offered a wonderful pharm position for hopsital. However, she turned down the perfect opportunity to be with her boyfriend, only to realized that he went through a mid life crises and broke up the relationship. He questioned himself and his life decision and realized that he could not go through the wedding. It broke her heart and she lost a great opportunity at her first job offered.
"If
nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eye and say
“But
I lived through it. And it made me who I am today"
My mentor helped put something in perspective to me. She told me that when you start a relationship, the minimal requirement is that you can see yourself happy with this person several years down the road. And, even though its a sad thing that my crush and I did not work out, it is so much better that I am realizing it right now, then 10 years down the road. We're incompatible. She's toxic to me. And, even though I think she has the potential to be a great person, I don't think I am the best fit for her nor is she best for me.
Why do life throw me these curveball? Honestly, I don't know, and I'll probably will never know.
2. A second point that my mentor pointed out to me was that " You are comprised of the 5 people most closet to you." You will act and behave similar to them. These people have a strong influence on you and your life. They will change the way you think and the way you view world. So, pick wisely.
And that is kinda true. For the past semester, I have let my crush into get involved in my life. She became one of the top 5 people in my life at school. My mind was constantly occupied over her and literally took up 1/5 of my brain space, and to amplified with my burn out, and my sexuality issue, it was bumped to about 1/2. Things got quite bad. And, I really, there was a lot of toxic energy within me. I was literally trying my best to hold myself together for the last 2 months of school. I could not focus or concentrate in school. It was terrible. And, I kept telling myself "there is something wrong with me, there is something wrong with me, and I just can't put my hand on it.". And it was true, something was wrong with me. Something was dragging me down, pulling me down, and not only until the break did I have the time to dissect out the problem and addressed them individually.
And I realized, I have given my crush too much priority in my life. She take up so much brain space, and literally, I was miserable. Not until when she was gone, did I feel a lot better. I realized that medicine and studying long hours in medical school did have a toll on me. So, I can't completely point finger on my crush that it was HER, and HER alone that brought this trouble on. Truly, I could have taken better care of myself, and I deserved better. I love myself, and I truly believed I deserved someone who would love me and treat me well. Someone who can support me through the hard time and willing to walk to the rough time with me. Someone who is more compatible, and know I have my faith and my parents, and they are the things I most treasure in this world. I don't know what life will give me, but I know, I deserved better than this... much more, than this mess I'm in.
3. And the last thing I learned from my mentor is to "save my coins". She reminded to me that it is not my job to fix someone. It is not as authentic and long lasting than someone who can come up with it on their own. There are a lot of people who has fallen trapped to the idea of changing their significant others. But, truly, its the other way around. We are responsible for ourself and our personal development. It is not anyone job to fix you or change you. Change can only come from within and through one own free will. It rarely do work if other do that job for you. My mentor said the whole "beauty and the beast" thing is like playing with the lottery. If you are willing to play the lottery with a person, and try to change them, there is a chance that things will work. There is a chance that they will make it through. But it is very very rare, and often time, things will end in a broken relationship with a lot of pain and misery.
"The secret to getting over someone is to better yourself, love yourself, and surrounding yourself with those that love you."
"Find something to occupied yourself, and let time heal."
So, what is there to be done? My mentor told me to save my coin, and when the time is right, buy the right product for its worth in a certain store. At first, I honestly don't know what she meant. But upon further inspect, and having her to explain that to me 3x, it really mean that saving your coins for the right person. Despite how terrible things are right now, and that I'm crying over someone who isn't right for me, that does not mean that there isn't someone else who is out there that is compatible for me. As strange and foreign this concept may sounds right now, there are some amazing people out there that will one day love and cherished me. So, I should be open minded. And, so, I should save my coins so I can purchase something truly special when it does goes on sale.
