Things I Learned From Tiff
I open with 2 kinds friends today and talked about my feeling. One to encourage to face my rejection. One asked I reflect on my wants and my needs.
I have once again liked someone who does not liked me. I wanted to reflect on reason why I rejected other people. I have rejected girls in the past because I did not like they way they looked. So I only dated girls who I was physically attractive too. And I had higher success of catching feelings but then found that the girl I went after did not liked me.
I may not be the best cultivators of words tonight. But I do not want to rest until I have written all that I have learn with my experience with Tiffany.
-Communication: Through my time with tiff, I find that she resembles Jan in many ways. One specific factors that I didn't come to realized that is a deal breaker for is someone who is willing to open up and talk about their emotions and problems. No matter how smart or resources for I am, I cannot work in the dark. I am not a mind reader. When I was young, I always taught about what is bothering me and my problems to my parents. I raised to open up and share my concern. As I grow older, I realized life is hard and to live and survive together, I believed one need to communicate with their partner. I want a partner who is willing to communicate with me. I want someone to open up and share with me their struggles and hard time.
-Different life path: I admire someone who carries a different life path then mine. I value their perspective and views they bring to the table. I do not look down on someone who is married before, someone who did not go to college, someone who was not raised in a well off family, someone who has been in neglected childhood. I do not discriminate someone base on their past. But I hold them accountable for their behavior today. I understand everyone has short coming but we cannot use our past as a clutch to explain for bad and hurt behavior to others. I appreciate their willingness to change and striving on working to improve.
-Feminity: I realized that you don't have to dress like a man to be the dominent one in the relationship. I realized dominent and masculity are two different things. I realized I can wear a skirt, heels, be perfective with makeup, and yet still be the person who leads.
-Physical Attraction: I realized I can't catch feelings for people I am not physically attracted too. I understand that there are many different type of attraction. Someone are attracted to looks, other to personality, others to the mind. I realized physical attraction is still a key part for my heart to develops feelings. I have fallen for every girl I found physically attracted to. And I have turned down all the girls because they are not.
I wrote down a list today of what my brain wants and what my heart wants. I narrowed it down to 4 things that is non-negotiable between the 2 teams.
1. Ability to communicate one's emotions and the willingness to open up during hard and difficult times
2. Honesty
3. No Drugs/ No Jail
4. Physical Attractiveness
After creating this list, I look long and hard at the girls that I have dated. I realized that of all the girls I fallen for, only 1 met all criteria. Her name is Sarah. She did not have feeling for me.
Then I pulled myself under the microscope to see if I possess all of these factors and I realized I do not. Of the 4 traits I menioned, I do not believed I met the physical attractiveness part. In another alternative universe, I would not have dated myself.
I never forgot that Jan once called me "Ugly and stupid" in the time of spit. I am no longer stupid. But sometime, I question if I am ugly. Innately, I cannot change the face and body features that my parents gave me. But I can faulter myself for not being more vain. I am not very feminen. I don't dress very well when I go out. Looking at myself in the mirror, I dressed to be more comfortable to look presentable or favorable to others. Eventhough my heart is in the right place, I look sure does not.
I realized I like these edgy, non-safe, badass girls is because in some way, I aspire to be like them. I like Sarah willing to try new things, to go to raves, to go to concerts and party. I like tiff because she falls in similar lines. I like it when you don't play it safe and you don't always fall within the lines. Now, I do know my boundaries and I am aware of the health I possessed. But I realized why I am drawn to these type of girls, maybe it was something I lacked. Maybe I feel the grass maybe is greener on the other side.
Though, I do want to improve on certain things about myself. I like to become more feminene, dress better and play to my strength. I am aware that there are days i liked to look like a tomboy. But feminity is a strength that I do possess and I want to play my cards well. I want to look better, become more physically attractive, and dress more feminine.
And I ask myself, what am I? I am a work in progress.
Last, I want to cherish a special friend tonight who really gave me some good, insight advice about my relationship. She been through 12 relationship and countless romantic encounters. But hey, she struggles too with her own demons. I wrote a little bit about her. "Because of her depression, it creates opportunity for her to cultivate a special skill that allows her to be perceptive of her feelings and feelings of other. I have never met someone with an emotional IQ as high as hers."
