Today, I hanged out with my friends.
And for some reason, I feel very odd. Very cold. I can't be myself with them. I cannot shared with them the people I loved. I felt that I was hiding something from them. And it's true, I was. I don't know. I just don't feel like myself around these "friends" of mine. I wasn't myself. I can't share my stories because some of them are religious. I don't know if we're that close anymore.
I kinda went out of proportion today. We played secret santa and I bought a pretty expensive gift. IT's because I wasn't sure if it was a $5 dollars or $10 dollar. Well, either way, I bought a pretty expensive gift. I bought a $10 camera. But my friend all thought I paid a lot. But, oh well. I thing I brag to many of my friend today and I felt really really bad. I feel guilty. Who was I to brag about these stuff. I was just lucky I was born in a loving family.
I learn my lesson today. From now on, when I hang out with my friends. I'll put up a cover. Only to those I really trust, I let it down, but everyone else. I'm going to put up a front and keep my secrets safe and close. I never ever want to hit up the same position ever again. I don't trust my friends. I can't be myself because I know some of them are unwilling to accept if they know. I need to learn how to keep my mouth shuts and my feeling inside. I can't risk it anymore.
In addition to all of this, I feel completely useless. I'm behind on my studies. I wake up late. I can barely keep myself from getting distracted. I'm not even prepared to take the MCAT. I feel like a failure 3rd year. In addition, I haven't got myself into a hosiptal position yet. How the heck am I ever going to make it into medical school? I'm starting the year off feeling like a failure student.
I want to do really well in school this quarter. I have never gotten a 4.0 before in college. I eeally would like to see what it's like. I start every quarter telling myself, this quarter will be the quarter. This will be it. But I always find myself somewhere within the quarter dreading my grades and bad midterm scores. I don't know what struggle this quarter holds, and I'm truely scare for what is to come. But I know, I'm going to try my best this quarter. I'm going to struggle and cry. I'm going to face a lot of scary things this year. It's part of growing up. I'm scared of 2013 and all the thing unknown that is about to happen this year. I only ask for my family to be safe. I pray for up above to send me guidance on the correct road to go, and I'll try my best to follow.
Year 2012. Thank you, you taught me well. You showed me how to love. You took me through the dark side. You threw me into a world and force me to meet people I would never associate with. You took down my prejudice and you destroy the life I use to know. But, you show me who I am. You show me that I'm bisexual which shook my world into a every pieces. But as you pull me away into a new world, you brought me closer to myself. And allow me to love myself more than I can ever loved. Thank you for teaching me.
Year 2013. I pray for guidance.
Someone wise once told me, "Those who accept you are your friends. Those who don't are your teachers"
ReplyDeleteGive your friends a chance and instead of assuming they'll judge you -- tell them the truth. You never know the outcome till you come clean. And if it doesn't work out that's ok -- lessons learned and appreciate the fact that you found it out soon enough and you're free to give those out there in the world that's willing to be your friend and accept you unconditionally :) Good luck!
I like what Gertie said and its very true. THAT may be why you feel like you're failing. Because in a way, you are. You're failing at being YOURSELF. And that's just darn silly because YOU are just FINE the way you ARE! BE YOU. Let them know the real you. And you know what, religious or not, your friends will either turn out to be real friends and love you, or wolves in sheep's clothing. If they are wolves, then it's time to let them go because YOU DESERVE BETTER. So, stop hiding, stop covering, and just be YOU. Once you learn to just be you and accept it, you will be MUCH happier and will really begin to spread those wings and fly! ((hugs))
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