I am not suppose to be writing this right now. I have so much to do today. My head hurts and I can't seem to work proficiently. I have a slight cold.
I ran across a song on youtube today, and I can't help to sit back and think for a bit. Just to reflect on the things are happening now in my life.
This is a strange time in my life. I am not there yet. And yet, I am not where I use to be anymore. I'm in the middle of everything, and also in the middle of nothing.
My head and heart are in 2 separate path, the world continues to spin, and I keep walking.
Where shall we begin?
I am worried and conflicted. I am unsure. I am contemplating. I stressed. I am sick. I missed some people. I have someone who runs with my joke. I have a roof over my head. My mom cooks me my favorite meal. Dad still manage help me with bills and papers. I went through some stuff in college and I got out of it bit different than before.
At first, I would think that I am a bit " a little hard hearted" after coming out of college. And maybe it has left me this feeling. Where my heart is less malleable then when I came into it. And I contemplate to myself every now and then wondering, why am I still here? I should be doing this and that. I should be applying and sending in my application. I should be doing all the things kids my age are doing right now. Getting their apps in and applying to medical school.
But that isn't me. I am not there. There are still a bit more steps I have not completed yet and that is what seperated me from them. I wonder why, why can't it started? When I see someone with a whitecoat, a part of me wonder when will I ever get there? If will I ever get there? And my heart ache a bit.
And to think about love, my heart is really not what it have been before. I was a kid back then, small and foolished. College taught me something different. It gave me opportunities and taught me something more about myself. I met people who changed my life and give me a better impression how to treat people and how I wanted to be treated in return. I got my little heart crushed in college. But I am also guilty of crushing others.
And coming out of all of it, I still a bit not ready. Not yet. I look at myself and I realized I am on a path. I am far from what I once was, but not yet what I am going to become.
Ah. You see, you have passed the caterpillar stage and are now in your chrysalis and doing that slow process of growing and changing. But never fear! One day in the future you will 'break free' and become that butterfly or moth that you were meant to be! ((hugs))
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