Here I will attempt to write about love. Lol, who am I joking, I think I am the last person to write about it. But, I would like to share something. I want to share about a different kind of love. A friendship form of love. I truly love these people as friends.
Two years ago, I was blessed to meet a group of individuals who I came to know online. They were incredible people that I never knew I needed. They play a very important role in my life and my developement as a individual. I haven't truly proud of who I am. Being with these friends changed that. They made me proud of who I am, they provided me with a community. It was more than any girl could ask.
But eventually, things did go wrong, and things did fall apart. Some friendship were lost and torn. In all of this, I have made several enemies, and in some ways, I might have brought others to believe that I view them as enemies also. However, this is untrue. You see, the way my thoughts and my behavior work is very different from the way I choose to act out my intentions. But again, you are reading my blog so, I might have First person bias. But, let me just honest with you, I really do not mean harm.
With that idea, today, I attempted to talk to a friend. Little to my surprised, I was block by this person. I was hurt when I realized it. I knew it would happen, but it still hurt when I saw it for myself. For a second, I sat still and frozen. I was hurt and sad how our friendship could have fallen to this state. With this notion, I realized I wasn't a saint myself, since I have also blocked people out of my life. I wonder the people I blocked must have think when they realized I deleted them.
And it made me think.
I was hurt that one of my old friends has blocked me. But then again, I have and still blocked others people from my life. And I wonder, did I blocked these people from my life because I hated them? Did I block them because I held a grudge against them? Did I block these people from my life becaue I wish them unhappiness?
And the answer is no.
In my past, I have never really block anyone out of hatred. I blocked them to keep them away either for their own good, or for my own safety. I never and still do not hate them, I do not grudge them or wish them unhappiness. I built a wall to keep them out because it was for myself. I needed to heal. I need to repair my broken parts because I knew nothing good can come out of us being together. Either I will cause them more pain or they will cause me more pain. I wanted peace for both of us, thus, that why I block people, to put space and distance between us so I can find my own way. It was never truly about them, but it was always about me.
I guess, in my actions, I am selfish. Selfish for my own good and desire to find my own and move on. In the very root of the reason, it was not about them, but all about me.
So, here, I looked at a friend who has blocked me. I am hurt, but maybe, just maybe, this isn't all about me or the things I have done wrong. Maybe it was for her, for her to find their own way and move forward with her lives. I have to admit, I really love this friend of mine. She was a really good friend to me when we were still buddies. I will miss her, but I think she is going through a very hard time right now in life. So, if with my absent from her life could help her achieve peace and overcome her difficulties, I will be gladly do so. I guess, for me, I will wait. Maybe one day if she comes around, we can be friend again. If not, it is okay, because she was a good friend, and I'll keep her in my heart, and pray that her dark days is behind her, and her heart will be mended anew.
Maybe what we all need is to move on. To move forward with our lives, deal with our emotions, go through the hurdles, and get to the other side.
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