Healthy Living: All the emotions

Am I an emotional person? Is it me or am I having a lot of emotions at night? I know, I'm very lucky to be in the position I am in. But, honestly, I am having a lot of feeling tonight.

I don't even know how to described it. For one thing, I feel grateful that I have been accepted to a respectable program. But then again, I can't help but feel guilty questioning if I really deserved it? And then, I wonder, what about my friends who are suffering with me, why do I have such a lucker than them like this? I don't know. I feel awful sometime. I can't even be contempt and happy with my own accomplishment. I feel inadequate sometime of who I am. I wonder, do I deserved such kindness?

I feel so much emotions. I don't even know how to described it and I feel that my world is changing. I am anticipating for the future, but at the same time, I don't want this phase of my life to pass. I have made friends. There are people who I really like and cherish. But I can't wait to start the next stage of my life, but then again, I can't help feeling sad of leaving my parents. I am stuck in between.

I feel odd and strange and the feeling amplified at night. What is this feeling I am going through. I feel uncertain because I do not know where my life will lead. I have uncertainty and tomorrow could be a blank slate for all I know. Maybe the late is really getting to me.

Healthy Living: The Ender's Game & Thoughts

So, I completed reading the novel: THE ENDER'S GAME.

Did I like it? Meh. It's one of my lesser love novel. It took me awhile to finished it because I couldn't really relate to the Ender much. And then, I despised what the I.F Military force did to him. They really manipulated his life to the point he didn't really lived it. He was simply a weapon that people could be used to destroy thing. I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem much like a life but rather like slavery. Throughout the whole novel, we are given the impression that Ender did all of this "voluntarily". But really, if you think about it: there is nothing voluntary about it.

First, since birth, they have put him in a very difficult situation. They put him in the place where he was born as the 3rd child. As a result, he was chosen to be born in a circumstances where the world would not welcome him. He was a weapon they designed since birth. Afterward, when they put him through military school, they turned the whole school against him. He did not get to decided anything except to excel at every task they gave him. He knew he was the weapon, and he acted and lived up to the name. Now, if you really think about it, if you raised a child and only give them 1 sole purpose in life and sheltered from the rest of humanity. That child will only grow up knowing one thing, and only one thing. This child is nothing more than your manipulated tool. You never really given the kid a chance to learn and appreciated the world. Every action and ever breathe he took was carefully planned. That is not life let alone free will to "voluntarily" save the world.

"His breathing was quick and light. He was a soldier, and if anyone had asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he wouldn't have known what they meant." -The Ender's Game

There are many things I despised about this book. It was well written and everything about the story flow fast. But I simply despised the world Ender lived in and how the author justified it so that Ender doesn't feel hatred toward the whole damn system.

Overall, I think the book was one manipulation after another. The author really doesn't do much justify to Ender's life. In addition, I didn't connect with Ender's achievement. I didn't see big point of saving the world. It was simply just a matter of "saving the world because we are the human race and its in our gene to survive." I mean, the Earth that Ender knew was simply just a sketch of his memory. He didn't live on Earth his whole life and the people on earth knew nothing of the sacrifice that Ender had made. I didn't even think Earth was worth saving. Its a little bit sad.

I came out of the book hating the people who put Ender in his place. He is a genius but really, what a life is that?  Ender is simply a boy robbed of his childhood and his rights. His life was already planned and chosen for him. He was simply just playing the role, like an actor performing to his script. I didn't feel life from Ender. I felt sad and pity for him.

Lastly, the book dealt with some politics. I didn't really buy much into the politics and could not connect with any of the characters. I'm sure this would be a great book for others, but for me, not that much. I didn't really enjoy it as much, but maybe its not my cup of tea.

I didn't mean to write hateful comment about the book or anything. I actually think it is well written, but its just wasn't my kind of story. I didn't related to it much. That is just all. To each their own. Would I recommend it to others? Maybe, depends on the person I'm recommending it too. However, I do feel one very important thing. Just because I did not find much meaning in this novel does not mean it doesn't hold great significant to others. I'm sure if this book was read by someone else and view in a different light, it would be an instant classic to them.

Digital Update: WK56 - After 2 Years Absent

Its nice to kick start the photoshoot update again. I originally didn't post this due to privacy reason. However, I think its time to start again. I'm bringing sexy back. ;)

I don't upload all of my Digital Update here anymore due to different reason. I'll probably try a new method. Post one picture I like most of that week. For the rest of the pictures can be found on my digital update website. It will be updated every time a new release is out. Then, old pictures will be removed & so new pictures can shine!

Healthy Living: Cleaning up College

So, I have been putting it back long enough. I realized that I was not feeling well lately. Many of which is because of several reasons. I think the fact that the end of the year is coming, everything is coming to an end. In term of school years, people are graduating. I'm ending my shifts at my volunteer services soon. And, I think its time. Its time to clean out my room so that later on, the cleaning process won't be too crazy when I do move out. This is the first stage of cleaning up my old papers & books.

I made sure to store my old books, but everything else is trash. That include throwing away old term papers, old notes, and paper. It is taking up too much space in my room, and I don't think I will need the materials anymore. Thus, I took the first step to start cleaning out my room.

I am getting a bit sentimental while cleaning out this part of my life. But hey, it has to go. It's time.

Healthy Living: The edge of the world

I feel strange. I don't know how to describe it. This weird feeling. In a way, I am feeling this sense of anticipation. This sense that I should do something with this time in my life. I feel weird. Maybe I'm not enjoying my break correctly? What is going on, I don't know. But I feel weird.

I feel like I'm at a tip of a pivot point in my life. Like a transition point. Like in 1 dip, my life will change. Things will be different. I don't know. I feel like I'm at the edge of the world, like at the edge of this stage of my life. I don't know what to do. I have never been in this stage before. It feels weird. It feels odd.

Healthy Living: The Symposium

I checked out the Undergraduate research symposium at my school today. It brought back a lot of memories. I have been there 3 years ago to present my research. Today I came back again to present another side of my research with another group. Being there, I saw a lot of young kids. I'm sure they are not that young, but pretty young. I feel like a stranger in a way. Hahaha, but not really.

In a way, it felt warm and nice to be back. There is definitely a scent of nostalgia. In a way, I kinda missed my college crush. She is not here anymore, but there are things that still reminded me of her and where I used to study. One of my friends took me to a booth where we listen to a girl lecture about ophthalmology and the cell in the eyes. I think they might be studying with rabbits or something. I don't know, the lecture reminded me of her a bit. She used to work in an ophthalmology lab with rabbits. For some reason, I missed her. I missed her a lot. But like anything else, I don't want her back in my life. I have enough of her for one lifetime. And I'm sure she is out doing some interesting thing with her life so its better we not cross. And in a way, I feel like I wante to move forward with my life.

And while in the symposium, I ran into an old student who used to look up to me in when she was in high school. She is an adorable little girl. She is brilliant and very smart and I know her future is bright. She a 3rd year now so wow, time really fly. I got to listen in on her research and it was a noteworthy experience. I also ran into an old friend. He's also a college mate. He's a year older than me, but he's applying to medical school similar to me. I wonder where is he is heading next. He's always an interesting little guy.

Thus, back to me at that symposium. I loved to be back at my school. Some thing changed, but some things also remain the same. I have to admit, I am a lot gayer than I was prior to graduating. There was a lot of cute girls there today at the research fair. But hey, nobody said I can't admire some people while doing business stuff! ;)

Either way, the symposium was very fun. I walked around with my friend to listen in on posters. Then, I took a group picture of my research crew. Its exciting to be part of a research crew. I never really get to do that much in college, so to be in this stage was amazingly fun! I felt like part of a group, part of a family.

To wrapped, I hold a deep feeling in my heart that my undergrad school love me a lot. It has given me so much and taught me so much. My allegiance is to this school that I am forever in debt. And as I drove my car out of the parking structure, I looked at the student center for the last time. (I know its not the last time because I'm sure I'll be there for my future work) But driving out of the student center today, I can't help but wonder if this would be my last last time for me to see the student center. All I know is that, I'm still waiting for my school. I leave the rest to fate.

Healthy Living: The Kite Runner

I finished "The Kite Runner" today. It was an amazing book. After I finished the book, I stared at this thick booklet with it's brown pages. I cannot believed all the things that has happened inside it.

There are a lot of things the book surprised me and there are a lot of things the book did not. I think for one thing, I am immigrant myself, so I knew. I knew for one thing how hard life could be, but the pain that the character went through in this book is entirely on a different level. It is those kinds of stories that I would often hear from my parent's lifetime. But then again, nothing as severe and crazy as this is. I want to point out some thing I do loved about this book.

What the Kite Runner taught me was that, life is not always that black and white. Its funny how Baba, the protagonist father, who saw life in black and white is so gray. I mean, people sin. People do things and hurt others. I don't think there are many people in this world who have not hurt others in some kind of ways. The severity of it varies in people and their ways. But I want to focus a bit on Baba. He is revered in the book. Someone who you looked up to, someone who the whole community bolstered for. He is the man of the community, the man. He is someone worth of love and respect. But who knew, he also craved into temptation. His hands is not without blood stain. Because of his actions and his lies, he has denied is son a right to a brother, his servant a right to a wife, a women a right to her life, and he doesn't even have the decency to confessed his sin to his own son to keep face with the world.

What is it this stupid reputation and front that people choose to give off to the world when their own hands stink with their own filth.

This book is real. Its raw. It captures the hardship of life, the injustice, the victims, and crimes. All of this is later covered by secrets and lies. And soon, the sins that we commit becomes tangled in life's complication.

So, I ask you. My readers, to do the right thing. I ask my readers to take responsibility for your action. Live up to your sin and find redemption. Stay away from bad people who will pull you into these situation.

 Because, there is a way to be good again.

Healthy Living: The Kite Runner

I am currently reading the Kite Runner. I don't know why, but its is way too painful. The story is engrossing, but the story, the characters, the events, it make my heart hurt terribly. Its like its ripping pain.

Healthy Living: Being Raised

Tonight, the things I say will be a bit off track. It will be without context. So, bare with me, but in this off track dialogue, I do still hope to portray something.

To start, maybe it is was the way I was raised. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't born in a place so well off, traveled to many places during my childhood. I saw the poor, the opportunistic, and the instinct to survive. In my young age, I saw many things but I did not fully grasp everything. Coming to the United States, I began school like many other children my age of 6 or 7. But, unlike them, I came here and I brought my experience with me. My family were poor. We came from a humble background and even now, my cousins, aunts and uncles are still struggling to survive in Vietnam.

Thus, knowing that I came from a very far places, my parents have climb the ladder with their bare hands, setting trails that were not even possible. They made things happened for me. They cleared a path for me to walk on. They cleaned the grounds, removed the weeds and dirty, pave a nice shiny road for their beloved daughter to tread, hoping I will find for myself a better life than they ever had it. Knowing that, knowing what they have done, and knowing how fortunate I am, I understand my place. I knew how lucky and fortunate for me to be where I am today.

With that said, with my current position, I am not ignorant to the suffering that my cousins are facing in during this time. Unlike me, they're parents has not been as lucky as mine. But their parents loved them so, and so these cousin of mine are now still struggling in a different place, forging their own step and life. Many dream of a life in America, and I wish one day, that dream for them will be realized. I witness their struggles and the sacrificed they made.

Its not easy living this life by yourself, my dear. You need people in your life to stand as pillars to help you through the hard time. 

With that, I think about the people who I met and the friends I had. I come to see, no one make it alone. And with that said, I think about an old friend I have lost. Its actually quite recent, and I sometime question her actions. I left the friendship because I could not agree with some of the decision she made. And, in some part, I did it for my own good for a reason I will not get into here. But with that, I sometime find myself ponder about the decision my old buddy took.

If I were to look at the path she choose with an eye of a kid raised in this privilege nation, I would see thing differently. I would believe and actually trust this friend. I would buy everything they said, and told me. But I can't. I didn't. Its because, I am not from here. Its because of my background and my upbringing that made me belief there is something more. I will never know if I am right or wrong about my intuition. But what it told me is to stay away from this buddy. It was just a inkling, but I knew it is time to withdraw and pull myself away.

There are several reasons I chose this path. But I don't think I made a bad choice. If my intuition was correct, then I did a good thing for leaving. But if I am wrong, then I am not worthy to be of a friend and better off walking out of their life. So both way, its not a bad ending. Its odd really, I will always be grateful for this friendship. Its taught me many things and gave me the courage to be who I am.