Healthy Living: Different

Anatomy has changed me. I don't know what it did. But I know for sure I was not the same person as I was 3 months ago. It changed the way I studied. It showed me my weakness. It poke holes in my studying method, and showed me that something is missing in my methods. I don't know what. It showed me that I am at the beginning of my journey, and that I need to figure it out. It made me scared, and it pushed me. I found a quote that really reflected my journey in health so far. "The process takes as much as it gives". I don't feel the same. I don't know what it is.

I feel weak, scared, and vulnerable. I feel constantly behind, and that there is always something I need to do. It showed me that I need to be stronger, smarter, and brighter. I haven't figure it out yet. Anatomy has taken as much as it gives. I pray for well being and future of myself and family.

I don't feel the same anymore. Also, I also started exercising. I made a promise with myself 2x a week + 1 weekend (except the week of test days)

Healthy Living: Something gotta give

I woke up this morning, and cried a bit. How silly of me. I know why I been so miserable last night, and for so many other nights. I been overworked, overstressed, lack sleep, and my performance isn't where I want to be. In addition to that, my health is not the best so that really put a slump in my buss.

But then I woke up this morning. I am well rested, I had my 7 hours of sleep. But that meant, that I slept in for 2 hours already, and probably late on all the work I was suppose to do. But then, it just hit me that I am miserable because I came with a really wrong expectation of school.

I mean, I came into grad school not really having much expectation other than the fact that is suppose to be hard. But my goodness, the true grip of grad school really hit my expectation out of the ballpark. Not only was there so much to do, your suppose to do it everyday, and be fast, and be good with it. When the test comes, you are expected to be ready. Expected to performed and excelled. Or at least, that's the mentality I give to myself.

And I don't know, maybe because I didn't have any expectation at all, I felt so behind and beat up with the schedule given to us. In addition to that, I am a slow in term of making studying, so this drag my schedule down so much more.

So, with that said. I felt miserable at my new school. It is really hard. And I don't think it is suppose to be easy. Why did I come here expecting what I would expect back in undergrad? How foolish of me to compared my current life with those that are not in the profession.

This profession has its own culture, work ethic, and lifestyle. I am at the beginning of everything. I am not used to the work load. Heck, I'm not even used to living alone. I haven't figure out how to take care of myself completely yet. I am only beginning. This rough start is making all my progress all so difficult. I guess, I need to change my perspective on what grad school and not to compared myself to the life of others. In addition, I need to learn to navigate between the water of "overwork", and "being behind", and build pockets of air for myself to breathe and survive.

This isn't suppose to be easy.

Healthy Living: The behind

I feel behind. There is so much that I need to do. The school has given us a 3 day weekend, but honestly, I don't know what it is anymore. Since, there is so much work that if I did all my work the whole weekend, I wonder if I could still catch up in time for all this.

Something needs to change. I feel so like crap.

Healthy Living: Unexpected Friday

I had a difficult week. What happen today was a amazing. We had a great surgical resident came in today to teach us about the brain. The greatest part is that she was my size. I always doubt if I'm strong enough for medicine. If I'm strong enough to make it into a specialty of my choice. I just feel so weak. But then looking at her. A little girl of 5'4 around 120 lbs. Someone like that could make into neuro surgory which is dominant by men. Then, I too, maybe, can follow my own dream. I don't have a clear perspective of what physician I will become. But seeing her today gives me strength. I can make it. It is possible. And there is a way. I hope I find it.

Healthy living: Week 8ish

To be honest, I am not happy. I'm miserable. I'm sick, and tired. I been coughing for about 3 weeks. I just finished one exam already and its really hard. I don't know how I'll make through this grad school stuff. I just see people flying by, having an amazingly good time and enjoying themselves. But really, I'm not happy.

I don't do anything except study. The most fun I allow myself is to go shopping and seeing my parents. Really, something has to changed. I am living in fear of wheather passing my classes. I'm not doing well as I like in class. I haven't really found friends I can connect with or be real with. Everyone is just everyone. I don't know, I kinda wish there is more to this.

It was my dream to go into medicine. I am living the dream right now, but damn it, I sure don't know how to manage it. I am miserable, and my cold is making everything worse. I went through a rough 3rd exam, and I am really scared of the result.

So, I take in a breath. We just had exam, and now we are heading on toward another exam soon, and this course has difficult section on anatomy. I am writing here because I want to vent. I want things to change. I want to survey this. I want to manage this. I want to succeed. And I want to be better.

I just don't know how. I am frustrated, tried, and sleepless. I need to go to bed because I had like 5 hours of sleep yesterday and for quite awhile. I'm miserable, and I don't know how to manage my life at this moment.

....

I often wonder if I will survive this storm. I really need help. I think I will need to see my counselor tomorrow. Maybe just touch some base with him.

But you know, I have a dream. I dream that one day, I will be someone great. I'll do worthwhile things. I will get survive this. And I must succeed.

Healthy Living: week 8

Well, I just came back from a week of hell. And it seem like there is so much to come. I hope and pray I have enough strength for the upcoming challenges.