Coming Home:
I have been at home for more than a week. By tomorrow, I would have been home for about 2 weeks. And I could say that, I love being home. I love being surrounded by my parents. I have a some good laugh, some quality time with my cousins, and I also tried to spend time doing nothing. I try to give myself sometime to be with myself. What does it means by relaxing myself?
What is do I need to do to recharge my battery? What is it? I dont' have a clue. I just went around having fun. But of course, I did some studying. Studying is necessary. There is never enough to study, to read, to understand, and to memorized.
Its funny really. I was walking in Target today with my dad, and when we was walking pass this kid at the toy section. I could see in his facial expression that he wasn't technically normal. I guess, I kinda accidentally diagnosed him. I didn't mean too. I just saw him, and something just click with my head, a knob churning, like iron wheels in side a clock churning. I am not sure how to described it, but it was all heavy hitting. I mean as it struck me hard. When I see something that doesn't seem right, it just struck me hard, and like, for sure, a gut feeling in me that there is something wrong.
This is not just my interacting today when I saw that kid. It was also the time when I was measuring my friend's chest breathing expansion in class. I could see the abnormalities moving in his chest, and it was a cold and undenying feeling that his chest expansion breathing was unsymmetrical.
It's all so fascinating how the medicine I am learning is how taking affect on me. It is changing the way I am seeing people and the way I am interpreting.
I been also thinking.
Our Trio:
I have this one friend that I didnt' see this break. She is being not a good friend. But then again, she is at a different life stage then me. I'm sure priorities are very different then. I don't know. I really miss her. She was one of my best friends. But I decided not to call her this break. I don't know. I guess, I thought that as her priorties change, and my friendship is not as important to her as before. I guess, I should learn to make her friendship not important to me. Its not easy. I guess people change. But I don't try to bother to remove her out of my heart. She is my friend, and someone who first accepted me for who I am. She guided me through the time I was lost. She really was there for me when I was struggling back in college. I would not be who I am today without her help. She means a lot to me. And with that, I will leave her memory on my wall. I will cherish what we had. No matter where I stand in her book, she clearly will hold a strong position in mine.
But with that said, I have other objectives in mind. Seeing her right now isn't really a big piorties given the situation I am in. I don't know. I can say that, I don't like this situation we are in, but I am in a good place right now, so I don't want to shake the boat. I am okay without her.
I mean, we just talk alot about relationship and our crush. But, honestly, I haven't fallen for anyone in years, so I didn't really have much to talk about her. And I am sick about her about her boyfriend. Yes, they are a blessed couple, and the universe lined up for them. But for real, there only so much I want to hear about her relationship with her boyfriend. I mean, I don't really care as much as I used too. Maybe its because I was more stressed out about on how to get into medical school. So, she went on and found new friends who share her similar position. Like watching the bacheloretts and I went on to playing being with people who I share more in common, and playing overwatch.
I miss her. I want to tell her how crazy med school has been. I want to tell her about my new crush, who I am absolutely scared me to pieces because I don't know how to confront my feeling with another real human being who I have romantic affection for. I have really loved anyone in years, and to feel like this again scared me.
Something Too small To talk about:
Huh, Maybe I should call my friend. But in a way, I don't want to. I don't know. I don't want to tell anyone honestly. Its my crush. Its my secret for now. Its only a baby feeling and the chances of it becoming anything is very rare, and I have so many doubts, it ridiculous. But hey, this small crush and feeling brings me joy. So, let me have my little moment of love.
My thoughts are everywhere tonight. But the bottom line is: I am being stubborn and I refused to contact my friends. I don't need her yet. Its is not necessary to call her. My other friends (we orginally are a trio) isn't in the same state. So, there is no need.
I guess in the end, I do know. Hesistant in itself is a decision. Inaction is after all an action.
Stalking:
On another note, I kinda accidentally, purposely, found my high school sweetheart instagram. He's happy. I see his adventures, his friends, his family. He is really happy now, and it feel so nice. I use to heard a quote and it still ring true. Eventhough I don't have feelings for him anymore, I still care deeply for him. I guess, I will continue to stalk him for years to come. Just to check on him. He still means a lot to me eventhough we don't talk. He will forever be in my heart. Someone who I will still continue to care and cherish. I wish him happiness and love.
Christmas 2016:
With that said, I believe this conclude my winter break. I should get back to doing work. At the beginning, part of me didn't want to go back to school. I just didn't want to work to death. But, I have to keep reminding myself that it is a privilege to walk this path. Only a chosen few, with the luck, the opportunity, the heart, the passion, and the desire could really walk to this path. I am fortunate my path lined up. That I am here where I am today. I know, on my own, I could not be here. I am where I am today with the support of my friends, my coaches, my family, and someone much greater. Of course, I wasn't sitting around sipping tea while this happen. So, it couldn't have not been possible without my butt walking through rigorous trials, blazing through difficult path, and with all the sacrifice I have made.
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