Wk14: Where is Buddha

What can I say guys?
The last few weeks has been hard. We have been boiling down to the thanksgiving break and before we could have a joyful moment with our family, we were grind. Crazy grind. We had 3 exam in one week. 1 Practical (which I failed), 1 written exam, and 1 organ exam. The last 2 I successfully pass, but boy were they hard. I don't even know what how to describe the last week. It was truly was hard that I can't fathom.

I studied 1 week worth of work in 2 days. I prayed to have enough strength to carry on in those 2 rough day. It was definitely not easy. I was fortunate enough to found the strength. Thank to up above.

One part of me was wondering these past few days, that boards is coming. I still haven't done much studying. I feel so useless. I feel like I haven't dedicated enough time.

Then on another note, I still haven't found my source of mana. I haven't found source that revive me. One of my buddy want to come me to church with her. Because for her, church was a place that she can recenter her life. And I don't know. I don't want to be Christian. I really do respect the faith and see the reason why they worship in God. But, in my heart, there is already someone else. I have grown up with my faith and I don't want to let it go. It has carry me through, and to be very honest, at the end of the day, if I was to lose everything, all I have left is my faith.

I don't believe in accident. Especially, when it come to major events and people. People where place into your life and certain events happen for a reason. And I truly believe, that there is someone above me and watching over me. Someone who is helping me through every step of the way. I always have that feeling, and was raise in a loving family, where my mother introduce me into buddhism. My grandpa almost became a monk.

And so, why do I choose to stay with buddhism? Because it is my faith. It is something I believe in and it is someone I pray to when I have nothing left. I don't know much, but I know that someone is there for me. I don't see them often because I often get lost in the day to day life and the details of life. But I know they are there. I know, because of the certain things that happen in my life, and in the way my life has turn out.

One of my friend once describe that her religion is her rock. It is something that hold her and keep her grounded. Even in the storm of life and all of its rumble, she knows, that God is there for her. I think that is a beautiful thought, and a powerful understanding.

I don't know if I have that. As in, I don't know if I saw my faith as my ground, my rock. You see, I have been very lucky and fortunate to have my parents who has been my rock. They are the people I come to when things get bad. I have cousins who I can fall to when I need and desire company. I have a couple of close friends and I rely on them to carry through. I have mentors. I have teachers and a lot of role models who are there for me, who help and support me, and so I asked, where does religion come and play a role in my life?

When has religion been there for me? Where is Buddha?

I learn, and learn again and again. First hinted, then clues, then and odd findings within myself. That Buddha is within me. He, they, she is within me. They have been with me longer than I could remember, and I have felt their presence in my life from time to time. But they live within me, and they has always been with me. I just forgot. Maybe the reason I wear the necklace of Buddha was to remind me that they are here. The love was given to me before I was even in my conscious. Buddha is in me and in everyone around me. Buddha is in the kindness my friends has shown me through the dark time of the MCAT. Buddha is in the my Lead counselor. Buddha is in my small group. Buddha is in the love my parents has given me. Buddha is in my dear cousins that I consider as my blood sibling. Buddha is within me and is around me. It is in the thoughts, the actions, the presence of people around me.

Life and its journey is something that might be determined and destine by god and chances. But Buddha is the teacher who help and guide us on how to live a fulling and worthwhile life; to be a good human not only to ourself but to others during our brief stay in this earth.

Healthy Living: Week 12 For better or for worse

The Event:

Today my school held an event at Disneyland. I didn't go. For one, I didn't remember and completely forgot about it. And two, I'm not exactly sure how many of my friends went. But the thing is, I had a pretty good Saturday before I learned of the event that I unkowningly missed. 

I'm a bit sad because i didn't go. I was a bit irritated that my friends who went didn't tell me anything about the event that they are planning to go. But you know, it is my fault for not keeping up with different events going on at school and totally missed out on this thing. Part of me is kinda sad because I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to do so 3rd or 4th year because I'm on rotation. 

I hope all goes well and I won't missed winter formal. 

And that the thing, part of me feels like I'm always missing out on things. Part of me wonders if there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should have been more social, make more friends, be around stuff that happen. I don't know, maybe I should have been more involved with my school or university. I feel like I don't do enough or get involved enough with my school. 

I feel like crap now. 

And in all of that misery, I was really enjoying this korean drama show. I had a pretty good dinner too. But to get to the main point, I was binge watch a show tonight and was just skipping through episodes. And you know, I feel like in my most pititful moment, I feel like I was crappy. Maybe all I ever amount to is just binged watching korean drama show, staying up late, and not caring about my responsibilities, and just being a really really lame and crappy person. 

I can't believe I feel so lowly about myself because I always felt that I'm missing out on something, the world always seem to have something better going on. I don't know. Have I lived? What is living anyway? 

But then again, I did some reflection while rolling around in my bed sheets. I realized this, "You know, you won't miss out on life. Nothing important ever get away." 

And that's true. I have been blessed enough, that for all the important event that has portain to my life and all the things that should have happen, I always have found myself there. I have faith, and trust, that things will be okay. Stuff will fall into place. And sure, I did miss out on an amazing events, and I kinda wish I remember and kept tract of the date. I am still grateful to be apart of my university, to have the friends that I have, and to be the student and person that I am. Even in my most unfitted moment as a person/student/everything else, and in the moment when I feel like a creep, a big loser, and just plan not good, I am me. I am still me. No more, and no less me. And its okay, to binged watch, to feel like your missing out, to feel like your a total loser, to feel like you haven't lived, to have emotions all together. It is okay to experience all of that. But I am also thankful, for a saturday night with music, people, night lights, salad, old soda, home-made quacamole, and a korean drama of a gay romance that made my heart squeel. 

So, what is it, to recharge one battery? I'm still looking for my source of mana.