Events: Fluttering Feeling

Ssamba passed away today. She leaves behind 68 chapters of a story of 2 girls who came into each other lives and the impact they had on each other. I like her story because it reminded me of Darlene. As I progress into the storyline, it grew more than the image of Darlene. It became something beautiful, something I yearned for, something I hoped to read each and every weekend. It was the highlight of my week during my MCAT days. It taught me that it was okay to love a girl. It taught me that it is normal the way I feel and that I will one day find someone who can love and reciprocate my feeling.

It was a key item that existed in my Gap year prior to medical school. It belong to a time when I with my gamer friends. It was a supportive group of girls who help me progress and where I can talk about my concern of liking girls. It was my very own LGBT support group.

Fluttering feeling was more than just a comic story to me. It signified a chapter in my life. The time when I was trying to get over Darlene, surrounded by LGBT friends who further help define my identity.

I have grown a lot since those time. I can't believe the thought of my gap years are merely just memories now. It felt like yesterday I was living with my parents in my room, and typing out essay and correcting my Verbal passage. It felt like yesterday I was crying on the Bus to Arizona. It felt like yesterday when I was with my group of friends talking about gay stuff. It felt like yesterday I got my rejection letters. Each and everyday, nothing feels like it has change, until when we finally look back and realize everything is different. Time changed, we grow, and our lives move forwards.

Fluttering Feeling signified a chapter in my life. Ssamba passing hit me hard because it made me realized how much time has passed since those post-college years. Her life and her work will always be remember by those who lives have been impacted by her work.

Fluttering Feeling fades and maybe fluttering feeling weren't meant to last. It is succeed by a sense of gratitude that our heart has once been touch by such rare emotion. As Fluttering Feeling depart, it gives birth to the long await, love.

“Ina: I don’t think of love as only intense feelings, like you feel as if you’re going to die without the other person. 

Ina: That person is to me…

Ina: Like bath water that doesn’t cool down, even if you soak in it for a long time.”
-Ssamba, Fluttering Feeling

Wk6: All the girls

Tonight, I miss her. Which one? Hahaha, the first one.

I don't know why I'm playing these old songs. I usually don't frequent these lyrics anymore. Its been years. I promise myself I stop visiting her facebook and instagram. Well, guess who went down the memory lane tonight? Goodness, I'm glad I didn't search through those old emails. That would have been very time consuming.

I loved her. I truly did. I was so young back then, and also so stupid. It wouldn't have work out either way. There was absolutely 100% no chance for us. It ended when it needed to end so I could move onto the next stage of my life and I could finally set her free. I wonder if she still think of me like I often think of her on some lonely night.

They say, everything happen for a reason, but I still don't understand the reason why she came into my life. Was it the fact that she was suppose to give me an experience of loving someone and caring for someone? I am still unsure. I will always care about her. She will be in my thoughts and my memories, and I will think of her on those lonely nights. She is part of me and part of my past. Oh well, let move on.

This past weekend I went to the TET festival with my schoolmates. I was excited to be there with my buddies, and part of me was kinda curious if I would bump into another girl. Another girl? Yes, another girl. Lol, why so many girls? I don't know. Don't worry, I didn't love her. She is kinda like bragging rights now. She has gotten more attractive these days and my friends seems impressed I manage to have some romantic affair with her. Let me make this clear, I completely DID NOT enjoy the ride. It was terrible. She was a bitter pill for me to swallow and she wasn't good for me. I don't care how good she looks now. I ain't ever ever coming back. I crossed the river, burn the bridge, and took the earliest flight off her planet. Let just say this, I thank her the role she played in small part of my life, but that is it. That is it. Bye Falicia!

And yea, there is one more. But lets not bring her up tonight. I don't know. Let my thoughts of her rest tonight. She ... well, she was hot. The prettiest of all the girls I have liked so far. Definitely the best dress. The most cold. The most people hating. But the most fragile. I never had a chance with her. She was more of a girl I idolized but dating, nah, that isn't ever gonna happen. But I would like to believe I once melt her icy heart as a close as any girl could. And then, I left. Lol, Oh, I hope she doesn't hold negative feeling toward me. But then again, she doesn't really care. Oh, she is probably the coldest of all the girls. Hahaha, that is why I love her. She so cold that when her heart melt, its one of the most rarest moments ever. She will always be "the one who got away" because she is one of those girls you idolized and day dream about, but not meant to spend a life with. It simply woudn't work, because we were so incompatible. She is my "poster girl". Someone you look at, stare at, drool at, but at the end, she's just a figure to admire, but not someone to hold, touch and feel. She isn't a life partner. Never has, and never will.

And this is the 26 year old me looking back on my past and life. I don't bother mentioning anymore people because I'm too tired tonight. And you know, at each and every stage of these main girls, I swear, I thought the were the BEST, and I fell hard. Oh, how much pain I went through with them and lesson I walk away with. But at that time, she has so much control on my heart. Each and everyone of them, at that time, I want nothing more for this to work, for us to be together for a long time. Funny, they felt like the center of my world at those moment, and now, they are just memories I write about on my lonely night.

Its okay. I'll let it all go. So where do my boat turn to next. Well, ladies and gentleman, there is another girl. Another ONE?? yes, another one. What will this one be? Will she go onto the list like all of the rest of the girl? I don't know. I pretty much dislike her at this stage in my life because she is terrible. But she is important to me. That's all I know. She is important. She is meant to be here. She is important. And that is all I know.

Like, For real, I think my heart is kinda tired. Like, for real, can we stop playing this game? I don't know. It would be nice to have someone to hold, someone to call, someone to share some intimate moments with. All these girls in my past are history and it gets old bringing them up. It really does. And so, lets not talk about anymore.

WK4: Everything Alright

Initially, I was going to write on this Monday night. But things came up, I got tired and so I decided not to write. And Tuesday came, and I was surrounded with work, trying to catch on Board Studying that I missed.

And finally, Wednesday came. Its late: 12:45. I have class at 8AM tomorrow and I need to be awake for the session. What should I tell you tonight? What should report?

This week is called "Skull Week" at my school. hehe
We learn technique to treat the brain and the movement of the brain.

This week feels like a catch-up week. I finally came out of a flu. I'm still coughing but my strength is slowly coming back. I can feel a part of me coming back. I like it when I was sick. My world shrink and all I care about was my health and my grade. I didn't think about anything or anybody. Every little thing I did was an achievement. I was proud of myself for completing a lecture. I was proud of myself for getting myself out of bed in the morning. I was proud just to carry on. I took myself to the doctor, paid urgent care, drank my medicine and got myself in bed on time. I felt like a good kid, taking care of my health and nothing else.

As my health came back, my expectation for myself heighten. I feel restless if I didn't board study. I feel like there is a bunch of things I should be doing, or must be doing. I feel like I need to do something. Thoughts came back into my head. I can start feeling again and my emotions. "Issue pertaining to the heart"

But luckily, tonight, everything is under control. I have worked out a manageable schedule to wrapped up my board schedule. I made peace with the face that I'll hit 400 over due in my Questionbank. But this would allow me time to study, to find peace, and hopefully to study for class.

Goodnight, world. Tonight, everything is alright. I pray for guidance.