Healthy Living: The lowest point

This past week, by far, has probably been the lowest point of my medical school education. I am sad, heartbroken, exhausted, burnout, anxious, scared, and fearful of what is to come.

As I wait for my pending board score, studying for the my step2/level2 exam, and also accepting the fact that the girl I like is probably not a good fit for me, hurts me terribly. I am also swamp with personal statement, pending ERAS application, and the question whether Internal Medicine is right for me.

I am beginning to question if I truly like medicine because the journey has all been so hard. I am thankful to be accepted to an American medical school, award a white coat, and obtained the privilege to train and become a physician. But this journey has been all so hard and the end is no where in site.

I am a bad test taker. I took my step 1 exam at the end of my 3rd year because I wasn't ready to take it at the beginning of my 2nd year of medical school. Now, I am burned out. And with the pending Step2/Lvl2 exam coming up, I am also doing poorly on my uworld exam.

I am also lonely. The girl I like is well.. not the best person in the world. I tried to feed myself with the delusion that maybe things would work out. But to be honest, I secretly wish I was treated better by her. I am slowly coming to the realization that it is one thing to fall for somebody, but it is another thing to choose to be with them. She has not been kind to me. My friends and family have pointed that out. I have been making excuses on her behave for why she was treating me badly. That is not very smart on my part. Well, love is blind.

But eventually, we all have to wake up. And I think, I am slowly doing so. I have decided to move forward with my life and let the dear girl go. It is because I wanted to be treated better. I want someone to also love me and be kind to me. Life is already hard, lets not make it worse by being with someone who doesn't know how to care for others. I want a kind companion who is willing to struggle with me and get through life together with me. I hope that in time, I too will learn the skill sets that will allow me to be a good partner for someone else. I hope I treat her kindly, fairly, and be the best partner ever for her. I promise I treat her well. And I too, want that for myself.

I can't fight all of my battle at once. So right now, I am going to try and forget what I wrote tonight. I will try to ignore the thoughts in my head to tell me to move on. I have made up my mind about this girl. And now, I'm going to not think about it anymore. After I finish my 2nd set of board exam, I will deal with all the heart ache then. But tonight, and for all of the nights moving forward, I am just going to try and forget. Forgive myself for not knowing better and forget the girl that has held me back.

And for school, my goodness. I don't know. Help, my ship is drowning. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat.

Healthy Living: Burnout

"If you do this for too long, you will likely build up symptoms of a burnout, especially if you also neglect you physical health by less sleep, food or exercise.

The advice given in the video is good advice, but I found that it hard to do something with that advice as long as I kept thinking: "But I don't have time for that! I first have to finish these other things!" 

I recommend to re-evaluate if all the things you are trying to do are important enough to risk you health or mental well-being. Are the end-goals you are working towards really worth collapsing for? After you are able to also accept a bit less of yourself it becomes easier practice self-care.

And remember, your self-worth does not have to be based on whether or not you have achieved this one goal... Be kind to yourself! You deserve it regardless of your achievements"

I'm burn out. Okay okay, let reevaluate.

Healthy Living - Hope is a thing with feather

I want to share a very special poem that I recently came to love. It is truly a classic.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

 And sings the tune without the words -

 And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

 That kept so many warm -

 I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

 And on the strangest Sea -

 Yet - never - in Extremity,

 It asked a crumb - of me.

I want it to remind you and me that we are not alone in this journey as long as we have hope. 

Traits required to become a physician.

To be a doctor requires: "intelligence, hardworking, dedication, caring for the wellbeing of other, sacrifice, opportunity, a little love from up above."

Movie Review: Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Lag

Movie:  Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Lag ("I felt something when I saw that girl")

I would like to quote an expert on a movie review. The passage really touched me.

"We are then taken on a familiar narrative journey with Sweety, as she explains her story to Sahil. We meet her girlfriend and join their quest to normalise her life. Sahil takes on the role of the male saviour, telling us that homosexuality is acceptable only when it impacts heterosexuality. At the same time, though, we welcome an ally: in a world where these conversations aren’t had, every hetero man who wants to be a saviour is welcome.

But by the end of the film, we’re all in tears. The queer people in the room have just watched their story told: not just a queer story, but a queer Indian story. It’s not the first ever – Fire, directed by Deepa Mehta, was released in 1996 – but it’s the first big mainstream Bollywood film that centres on a lesbian romance. It stars some of the biggest names in Bollywood – names that our families have uttered – and it helps make us feel that little bit more accepted. Not only has it reaffirmed our existence, it talks about the mental and physical abuse endured by some queer Indian people.

After the screening, a few us huddle together, still wiping away tears and grinning widely. Our families will watch the moments they experienced with us on a big screen and it reaffirms our lives. Ek Ladki has helped us take a step further into the right direction."

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/feb/04/bollywood-right-direction-with-ek-ladki-ko-dekha-toh-aisa-laga

This movie really left in in tear. My favorite part was when the father said these lines 

"Slapping them, locking them up won't change the way they love. It's not an illness that needs a cure. It's love. That's all it is. Having love is a blessing from God." That line is so precious. 

Corner Wall: To be loved

I have learned a lot of things on my OBGYN rotation. After taking care of pregnant mother and little babies for the last few weeks, I have came to this realization. 

                                         "The first and most important thing is to be loved." 

Babies after babies, I saw that to be loved is such an important thing. I truly believed human were made to love and be loved in return. I truly think this is core of happiness and a complete life. Its not wealth, title or power. It is to be loved. That is what taking care of all of the babies have taught me. 

Healthy Living: Road Trip to Joshua

I been living out in Joshua tree for nearly 2 weeks now. I decided to take Saturday off to visit one of my favorite location in Joshua Tree. Its called "Key View", and its has one of the most breathe taking view at Joshua tree for me. I truly love this place.

I don't have much on the site. I took some photo just to remember the experience. I just like being able to drive out and enjoy the nice view.

Healthy Living: The North Star

I moved to Joushua tree today for my OBGYN rotation. I truly hope this is a light rotation because all I wanted was to be able to study. I feel like a mess. My heart hurt and scared at the same time. I meditate today and I still am unable to find peace in my mind. I moved into today to a house out in joushua tree. The host was very kind. I like my room.

Amidst the chaos in my heart and mind, I looked up at the stars tonight Joshua tree, and I finally saw stars for the first. I found the big dipper and I found the direction that pointed north. Tomorrow, I will try to find the North stars.

And I realized that it is going to be okay. I have guidance. I have love and support. I have time. I have energy. I have a direction.

Just like the north stars that have guided so many slave out of slavery and into a brighter future. I hope the north star will guide me in my journey to Step1.

Corner Wall: A flower for Algernon

My team operated on a patient. I don't think the patient will make it. The surgery went well. We did what we could. But the prognosis isn't good regardless how much we worked. I felt like I lost a patient today. She was my first.

I titled this post A flower for Algernon. Algernon is a mouse in this book. Algernon is a mouse.

I know death is a common thing when you work in the medical field. You see people come and go. I guess, as a medical student coming in this field all fresh and green. I just hasn't prepare myself. Or my skin wasn't as thick as I thought.

I feel sad my pt is in bad condition. We did what we can. But we can't play god. I guess we leave the rest to a higher power to take care of her.

I don't think its weak for someone to feel for another, especially for their passing. We are human and death affect us each in different ways. I think it applies to all health care professionals. We have the right to feel and the right to grief over the loss of our patients. As human, we are entitled to our emotions. It's a downside of our profession, but it is also a blessing, to be with our patients at the end of their journey.

Its a honor and gift to be here and to have such experience tonight. My surgeon was right, when he turned to me and said "You'll never forget this." I don't think I ever will. I will carry with me on my journey to become a physician.

Healthy Living: Utterly Overwhelmed

I feel so utterly overwhelmed. Medical school studying, away rotation, step1, didactics, surgery, level 2, emma holiday, residency, will i match?

One step at a time. One day at a time.

Healthy Living: My first delivery

Today, I was first assist in my first delivery. I didn't do anything, but still, I never seen a pregnant lady give birth before. It was surreal.

Corner wall: Weightloss - the dirt road

Weight loss

Today, I spoke one of my patients regarding weight loss and she brought up some interesting problems that I myself has encounter during my weight loss journey. Tonight is too late to dive into the details, but I have come to a conclusion based on our talk and my reflection. I don’t think wofht loss is a destination. It’s not a destination to need to get to, rather I think of it as a path, a road, a railway, a direction that one goes, but not necessarily a place that one comes too. It a dirt path that requires awareness, diligence, and commitment to be one. It has its rewards in small ways, in simple treasure like the feeling of tucking in your belt a little tighter, seeing your flat belly after a whole, noticing how good you look in your clothes or how comfortable you are in your dress pants. I just feel that I been thinking about weight loss in the wrong way, I’m slowly realizing that it is a journey that we either choose to be on or not. Simply put, either your on the Dirt trail or not. There isn’t an knvetween. You either watch what you eat and continue to do so as long as you live so that you can direct your weight or body in the direction that you want it to go, or you can simply choose to let it float wherever it wants. The choice is ours to choose the path or get off the path. There isn’t really a final destination, it’s simply a dirt road that we choose to get on day after day, and that is why people call it a lifestyle choice. A life style change. The treasures that it offers comes in subtle ways, and the reward might be a healthier l life. 

Didactic Wk 2: Change of Direction

After 3 months of rotation, I can safely say that there are some rotations I LOVE, and some, I do not enjoy. What should I say to update you about my life.

Nothing much, to be honest. I am on my 4th rotation, and it is an FM rotation in LA. Eventhough the hours are alright, the daily traffic commute is unbearable, and honestly, I do not enjoy outpatient medicine as much.

I do understand the lifestyle is much chiller and with correct managing, one can become very wealthy. However, I just don't really like it that much. I like working with a larger group of individuals. I like being walking around the hospital. I like meeting different patient and seeing them back to back. I like to see their conditions improve after their hospital stay. I like speaking to different specialists and see the immediate result of my lab test and scans that I order.

I don't want to deal with patient compliance. As much as I like seeing patient again months after months, I still perfer working with a larger staff. It keeps things new and refreshing. As much as I learn a lot from this FM rotation, I think maybe, I still enjoy the fast pace of inpatient setting.

Also, right now, I'm constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I am responsible for my schooling, my living situation, my next meal, my weight, my 4th year schedule, my VSAS, my upcoming residency application. So much to do and to think about. Honestly, I feel like I'm 1 disaster away from a complete meltdown. But I know I have my family, my loving cousins, my caring friends. I am forever grateful for the support of so many people in my life.

3rd year is no joke. I find it very difficult and challenging. I has pushed and pulled me in ways that I feel is good for my development, but it is also very exhausting and draining too.

I still like didactic week very much. It brings back old characters that I love and the moments we have with each other.