This past week, by far, has probably been the lowest point of my medical school education. I am sad, heartbroken, exhausted, burnout, anxious, scared, and fearful of what is to come.
As I wait for my pending board score, studying for the my step2/level2 exam, and also accepting the fact that the girl I like is probably not a good fit for me, hurts me terribly. I am also swamp with personal statement, pending ERAS application, and the question whether Internal Medicine is right for me.
I am beginning to question if I truly like medicine because the journey has all been so hard. I am thankful to be accepted to an American medical school, award a white coat, and obtained the privilege to train and become a physician. But this journey has been all so hard and the end is no where in site.
I am a bad test taker. I took my step 1 exam at the end of my 3rd year because I wasn't ready to take it at the beginning of my 2nd year of medical school. Now, I am burned out. And with the pending Step2/Lvl2 exam coming up, I am also doing poorly on my uworld exam.
I am also lonely. The girl I like is well.. not the best person in the world. I tried to feed myself with the delusion that maybe things would work out. But to be honest, I secretly wish I was treated better by her. I am slowly coming to the realization that it is one thing to fall for somebody, but it is another thing to choose to be with them. She has not been kind to me. My friends and family have pointed that out. I have been making excuses on her behave for why she was treating me badly. That is not very smart on my part. Well, love is blind.
But eventually, we all have to wake up. And I think, I am slowly doing so. I have decided to move forward with my life and let the dear girl go. It is because I wanted to be treated better. I want someone to also love me and be kind to me. Life is already hard, lets not make it worse by being with someone who doesn't know how to care for others. I want a kind companion who is willing to struggle with me and get through life together with me. I hope that in time, I too will learn the skill sets that will allow me to be a good partner for someone else. I hope I treat her kindly, fairly, and be the best partner ever for her. I promise I treat her well. And I too, want that for myself.
I can't fight all of my battle at once. So right now, I am going to try and forget what I wrote tonight. I will try to ignore the thoughts in my head to tell me to move on. I have made up my mind about this girl. And now, I'm going to not think about it anymore. After I finish my 2nd set of board exam, I will deal with all the heart ache then. But tonight, and for all of the nights moving forward, I am just going to try and forget. Forgive myself for not knowing better and forget the girl that has held me back.
And for school, my goodness. I don't know. Help, my ship is drowning. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat.
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