Corner Wall: Dear Katie

 Dear Katie, 

You left early. We were supposed to see each other this December. Angela and Shanon said they will come visit you too. I was going to bring you flowers and food. You are such a foodie! You left too soon, old friend. 

But I know you had to go. You didn't leave too early, you left on time. You have been suffering this whole year. I watched you coped with your own death and passing. You spoke with wisdom, grace, and acceptance. 

You already know how much you meant to me. I am glad I had a chance to remind you of the kindness you shown me in this lifetime. You drove to my house ever Thursday to drag me to the gym during my depression prior to medical school. You bought me those workout clothes for christmas so that why I could workout more. I still have them. You celebrated with me when I got my first acceptance letter to medical school. You were there for me when I was no one. You believed in me when I didn't see it in myself. 

Who knew our 20 years of friendship had ended so abruptly. With help from close friends, I learned to cope with your passing. I believed you have done all the things you needed to do, and its time you transition to the next step. I don't believe our friendship will ever end. I will see you again someday, old friend. I promised to tell you all the of my adventures! And you have to tell me all the things you encounters, things that my mind has yet comprehend. 

The kindness and friendship you have given me will always stay in my heart and memory. 

Healthy Living: First dates #5 - The Gamer

I recently letting go of someone. I never imaged writing about it this type of letting go. I always imaged writing about goodbye over a lost love. It would then be me crying that it was over. But honestly, this type of letting go is very different then anything I ever had before. 

I let go of someone because I truly wanted this person to become a better individual and someday find someone truly for them. 

Its almost as if I let this person go because I wanted them to grow and become someone better. I see so much potential in them and I know they can and will achieve it. And when they do, I'm sure they will attract the right kind of people toward them. Or maybe, I'm completely wrong lol. 

... the story begins when I matched with someone several months ago who I thought was a gamer. I didn't think too much into it and we started to speak through discord. I found this person to be really cool and we continue to talk every now and then. I got to learn more about her life, her work, her family, her hobbies and interests. What I like in this person is her ability to remain calm and have a very good financial outlook. I admire her love and closeness with her family. I admire her love for her cat and the good care she takes of it. These were some great qualities and attributes I see in her. 

But as I got to learn more about her, I realized there were things that held her back. She had hobbies and interest that kept her indoors and certain fix ideology that kept her from opening up to others. I felt her world is very small. I felt that in some way, she missed out on a part of life. I wanted more for her. I wanted her to go out and explore more places. I want to eat at good food places and buy clothes that show case who she is. I want her to value the luxuries of living with family, and that is not a inhibiting factors to hold a person back. I wanted her to know you can live life fully and completely. I want so much for her. 

During our second date, I saw her stepping out of her car, and I realized there was no feeling in me. Through our dinner, I felt in some ways she wanted to share to me more about her plans, but it remains illusive. We didn't connect much over conversation. I took her out to dessert and I was still too scare to bring up the topic of dating with her. It was only after dessert when we were heading the different way, I asked her if we are friends, and she look at me strangely, but nod yes both time. That night, I called her. I spoke for a bit about my feeling and thoughts toward her and the decision to remain friends. I wanted her to become a better individual and open her world. I later had to end the friendship because I realized I need to be out of the picture for this to happen. 

The things that I learned from this experience is about:  Letting go can sometime be in for the other person to learn and grow to their fullest potential. A closed door life keeps our world small. As one close their doors to the world, they will always be at a disadvantage. I want her to be careful, but at the same time, to go out more: to meet more people, to try more food, try on more clothes, and make more meaningful connections. I have good faith it will all goes well. She truly is a good person and deserved to be loved and treated well. 

Healthy living: Status Check

Today, we will talk about everything. I have been feeling unhappy for the past few weeks. I don't believed it is one single event that prompted this. It complies of a lot of different factors. 

First, The Match. This past few weeks, I have been writing letter of interest to programs to show my curiosity in their fellowship. But I was met with a lot no-response or rejections. I realized that I have emailed these letters too late. I should have done it sooner. 

Second, I submitted my ranklist. In the time of uncertainty, I wonder where I will be in the next few years. I would like to be with family in California, and I hope I will be able to do so. Not knowing about my future give makes me not at peace. 

Third, I recently been talking to someone. She is a good girl and met most criteria that I had for someone. I went on 2 dates with her and realized that she was not a good fit for me. There wasn't anything she did wrong, its just certain things I wanted did not aligned with her. I feel miserable for not being able to have feelings for her or feel excited or happy around her. I feel miserable not wanting to hang out with her. I wanted more out of a partner. 

Fourth, I am trying to figure out of I still harbor feelings for the girl that came before this one. I think about her a lot and the conversation we had. I still wanted to be friend with her, but I truly don't understand my intention about this. I am on the fence whether to reach out to her again. 

Fifth, I am feeling burnout with my online dating life. I feel like I matched with people. There is a lot of hello and a lot of goodbye. Sometime, I don't know if I'm able to keep up with the emotional turmoil. I sometime wonder if I will be able to find someone for me. As I grow older, I realized it is harder to find a partner. Plus, I like girls, which also limited the candidates. But I can't change who I am and what I want. But don't forget, straight people has a hard time finding a partner too. Just because the pool is larger, doesn't mean its easier. If anything, the number of choices can blind you from the right one. 

Sixth, My old childhood is dying. She grasp her own mortality with such bravery. I never lost a close friend to death before. I am having a hard time accepting it. 

Okay, enough is enough. Let's solved this, or attempt to. 

First - The Match: Lesson learned. I will send letter of interest sooner. I hope I may not have to resort to this. 

Second - The ranklist: Uncertainty is part of life. Participating in the fellowship application entitles hardship and uncertainty. It is an emotional process too. It entitles everything one would have during the process of being evaluated, interviewed, and selected. But I think it will be worth it. I would not have done this if I didn't think it will benefit my future. 

Third: My old mentor said something that I really value. She shared an experience where she dated a man who she dreamt she broke up with in her dream. And when she woke up, she felt so sad that it was just a dream. Just because someone met the bar minimum criteria does not mean they are meant for you. It just mean that everyone who path cross withe me and fall into my selection will have these minimun criteria. My friend once said it's okay to reject kind people. I don't think it make you a bad person, because you pushed them to go a find someone better fitted for them. 

Fourth: I will contact her at an appropriate time. 

Fifth: I should change my approach to dating and meeting people. I should think of it as finding more people that fall within my interest. My old mentor gave me this analogy: If you were in a room of 100 people and you only have 5 hours to find the one for you. How would you approach it? 

Sixth: I am still processing. 

 

 

Golden Rules #1: The List Rules

Golden Rules are list of guidelines and quotes to guide one on the righteous path in time of doubt:

 

I: Wisdom on Work:

#You learn best through organizing, but you ultimately, you'll have to bruit memorized it. 

    When in doubt, organized 30% and memorized 70%. 

#If we don't have a goal, then we won't have a plan. If we don't have a plan, we get lost.

    -Planning allows you to maximized your time

    -Planning schedule should be easy to make and simple to follow. 

#Do not expect yourself to wake up early, if you go to bed late. 

#Get your life together begins by getting yourself together." (aka: Take care of yourself first)

#If this is a test, what would you do?

II: Wisdom of self:

#When I am given too many tasks, I get overwhelm without definite plan, leading to anxiety. 

-> Solution: Write task down into Accomplisment list, focus on one task at a time. 

#When I get thirsty/clustered, and I pushed on, it is operating under poor management.

->Solution: I should get a drink of water. 

#Bed by 11PM. No good things happen after 11 PM. 

III: Wisdom on love:

#Happiness comes from within, so do not seek it without. But do walk into better days." 

    -“Beautiful days do not come to you. You must walk towards them.” ― Rumi.

#I believed the reason why we should let go of the past is that the present has so much more to offer.

    -“Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.” – Albert Camus

    -Excerpt from "Wisdom of Life #1 - Holding on and Letting Go" - Could it be that we tend to look so longingly toward the past because we have nothing to look forward to? Then maybe then the correct choice is to give everything to the present so that way we can generate a future we can hoped for and far more engaging.  I believed the reason why we should let go of the past is that the present has so much more to offer. 

#Those who do not have the courage to let go of the past, does not have to privilege to reap the benefit that comes with future. 

    -Getting over someone entitles 2 component: Letting go and Moving on. More on this later

    -Her loss create space for something to be gained. 

#You cannot in love out of sympathy.

    -Kind people get rejected too. And its ok to reject kind people. 

#We finds inspiration from our partner.

-sometime we like somebody bc we admire certain things in them, and they inspire us in certain ways, in which we subconsciously want to see  in ourselves.

#Its not how old you are, its how young you look. 

    -"Looks give your personality a chance"

#Self improvement/investment is a work of a lifetime. It does not even when you are in a relationship."

    -The best thing we can do for each other is be the best version of ourself

     -When you lose yourself in others or in relationship, you often end up heart broken. Keep a little             distance for yourself and improve and work on yourself. If you thrive, so will your partner. 

#When one partner is not willing to walk away at the negotiating table, is when the relationship is at lost"

    - Todd said it

"A relationship either grow or deteriorates. It does not stay 

III: Wisdom on Life:

#Running and Reflecting - "Remember that this is not something you just do once or twice. Interrupting our destructive habits and awakening our heart is the world of a lifetime." 

#The country that closes its door, is always at a lost. 

    -This applies to a person's life as well. After looking at friends and individuals who close themselves to the world, I tend to noticed they are always at a disadvantage. Their world is so much smaller and it close them up from opportunities and people. I feel there is so much to people and the world. As long as we are careful but also at certain point being braved, I think as much we open to the world, we will received back in return.  

    -A closed door life keeps our world small. As one close their doors to the world, they will always be at a disadvantage.

IV: Wisdom on Resilence:

 Resilience: 3 Key to Resilience

— We seem to live in an age where we're entitled to a perfect life where shiny happy photos on Instagram are the norm when actually as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk, the very opposite is true.

1. **Suffering is the part of the every human existence. Knowing this stop you feeling discriminated when the tough times come. Resilience comes from focusing on the things we can change, and somehow accepting the things we cannot.
2. Resilience people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention. Habit of realistically appraising situation and managing focusing on things they can change. As human, we are very good at sticking on negative emotions, like velcro. Resilience comes from knowing things are not finite, happiness and sadness are finite in a tangiable duration of time. Hard time are just time that are hard. Acknowledging the good things during tough time has shown by science to be a powerful strategy.
3. —“Don't lose what you have to what you have lost." In psychology, we call this benefit-finding. Make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort to tune into what's good in your world.
4. **Number three: Resilient people ask themselves "Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?" This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy and boy is it powerful. — This question can be applied to so many different contexts. Is the way you're thinking and acting, helping or harming you in your bid to get that promotion, to pass that exam, to recover from a heart attack, so many different ways.  
5. ex: “Is this helping you or is it harming you? Put away the photos, go to bed for the night, be kind to yourself."
6. —Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking, the way you're acting is helping or harming you puts you back in the driver's seat. It gives you some control over your decision making.

Wisdom of Life: #1 - Holding on and Letting Go

 

Hi everyone, 

I am always a fan of rules and guideline. So I thought of writing something down to help myself and maybe readers on their journey. 

Today, I want to talk about the topic of Romantic Letting go. Likely many others, I found myself sad over another girl. This trend tend to be happening a lot of lately haha. But trust me, this is not my first disappointment and heart break. I caught feeling for a girl and she didn't think we would be a good match for each other. She let me down easily with the hope we could be friends. I wonder how much of that is truly true. I also wonder if one could even be friends after catching feelings. But I held onto the idea I could come back to be her friend some day. But my cousin told me otherwise that it just something people say to each other without making it look that this is the last time we would ever talk. 

I ponder a lot about this. About coming back and introducing myself back into her life. But I think about my mom and dad's journey and experiences. If one of them actually look back at their ex's, I might not have been born. I believe they found much more happiness moving forward into the future than holding on the past. I also believe our memories can sometime lie to us. It might not have been as good as we remembered them. Either way, I feel that the past is lock solid. It is a set of well defined events and incident, a work of history. It is also a place that many people can get lost and lose their way. They hold onto tightly how beautiful things were. They hold onto power, property, and even people. But like history, it cannot be change, it can only be learned from. 

Therefore, I truly believed one cannot be happy living and holding on to the past. To fix a relationship that is already end or bring a lover back when he/she has already left. To find happiness, one need to let the light in and change to take place. No good thing will come from rereading the chapters that we have lived and buried. I truly believed life is very short in many ways, and so with the limited time we have left on this planet, wouldn't it be better to allow changes to take it course?

Could it be that we tend to look so longingly toward the past because we have nothing to look forward to? Then maybe then the correct choice is to give everything to the present so that way we can generate a future we can hoped for and far more engaging.  I believed the reason why we should let go of the past is that the present has so much more to offer. 

I always have trouble moving on and letting go of things. It might be a component of my tenacious/never give up personality. But I am slowly learning that there are things out of my control and that sometime it is better for me to allow changes to take it course. 

I will go on new dates, with cute girls, and learn a lot about other people. I should give myself the opportunity to miss someone else.

 Like one of the great philosopher, "Beautiful days does not come to you. You must walk towards them."- Rumi