Vanity Affairs: April's road

 

I feel like a mess. 

It's been a month since the break up. I still feel like a mess. I think my therapist hates me. But then again, I don't think I am making her job easy given how much things I'm going through right now. 

I feel burn out. There are y when I feel like I can't do it anymore. The day that I do work, there so much to do. The day that I do read, there so much study to be read. And on the days that I need to study, there is still so much to study. I feel like ahhh.. I just have so much going on. On top of that, I have this broken heart. This sense of helplessness within my self. The question of am I worth loving? Am I broken? Am I capable of keeping a loving and warm relationship? AM I TOO MUCH?

And then, I remember when Minh thanh told me when she was board prepping, "I think anyone in this stage feels like this." I thought that was very enlightening. To understand one's hardship and to give one credits to feel the way one feels. I felt almost validated in some when I remember her quote. 

It is reasonale to feel stress and burn out because I am simply working 2 jobs. I am working 3-4 full days. Afterward, I am grinding hard for the lat 2-3 days. If I'm lucky, I will have an hour gym time and may 30 minutes of PG deconstruction class. Really, I think anyone in my position would feel like this. And to top it off, I'm feel lonely since she was gone. Her leaving me really shattered my confidence. I really love her and to face this rejection was so much to bear. 

I remember standing at her front door knocking on the day of the break up. I though to myself, well, if this it, then it is what it is. It is usually my gut feeling telling me that I lost. Its like all my rejections in my life. I know when I did well and I know when I flopped. 

On another note, my good friend help lit a candle within me. I got work to do. I have PG deconstruction. I have outfits to wear. Fashion idea I still need to search. Skin care to learn. There are still things to do even after she is gone. If anything, there is so much more things to do now that she left. 

I am reinventing myself again.