Healthy Living: Missing the train

I graduated!

I know.. It look like the long hard road is over. But really, it is just the beginning. I still need to get into medical school. Yup.. all those of years of studying.. it's not done yet. The most important part of this stage is getting my butt to one of those chair in medical school.

And to be honest, It's really not all fun and games. When you picture "graduation", you are thinking of balloon & flowers & celebration & pictures.. and I did have all of those things. I am very grateful for it all. Still.. I'm not there yet. Despite how much I wish I could apply to medical school this summer, my MCAT scores isn't quite there.

I am going to be honest and as down to earth as possible. I am not stupid. But my goodness am I slow. I have been training for the MCAT for months and it was going really well for a whole full month! But then, when my midterms & final started rolling in, I had to drop all of my studies to confused on these school test.

I feel terrible when I tell this to my professor & doctors. They have a lot of hope in me and I feel like I failed them in some way....

All of application is done.. I just need that MCAT scores and I don't have it. It hurts.

I blame myself for not being able to apply in the same time as my friend. I blamed myself for my inadequacy. I feel terrible. And I been in this stage for nearly a month now.

My mentors has told me that it isn't as bad as it look. But to me, it meant that I have missed an opportunities. I feel this guilt.

And honestly, nothing anyone can say to me now that can pull out of this misery that I am in. It is just a disappointment that I haven't got over yet. I know I look really bad right now. But I feel hurt like I missed my objective. I don't know where my life will lead me now that I am in this gap phase.

So, my rout toward my dream isn't really what I quite expected. I didn't expect this gap year. (Which is really 2 years).  I am down. I don't know what I will do in this 2 years. It is like that feeling that you are missing the last train. And your just stuck. What now everyone?

I know I need to start picking up the pieces again. There is a lot to be done. There is a lot waiting for me to fix & put thing together. It's not gonna be easy. I have no idea how I am going to fix all of these problem.

But this isn't my first obstacles. In the mist of these sorrow, it remind me of my earlier struggles with my sexuality. It took so long and hard to admit that I like girls. :) This struggle is different. I haven't had everything figure out yet. But I'm am willing to try. I pray for guidance.