I wanted to write something today. Something to get off my chest on a day like this. The image i chosed today seem a bit odd. But really, it is what I am feeling now. You can notice the sky isn't very bright. But then, its not dark either. At this moment in time, it glows pink almost like the sun is about to set. It seem like some things are coming and something that has been long avoided and it coming-the sunset.
But in a way, I don't seem it like something dark or onmorous. Instead, it feels like it comes in peace. I have waited and put this off long enough with multi-delays on this MCAT test. It is finally coming, and the last day of reregistration has slipped away.
I am not sure what to think anymore. From the perspective of my mind, I really don't know what is going to happen anyone and what will become of me when I take this test. I know at this moment, I am academically not competitive in the term of my MCAT scores which is a 24 (and that is a lucky score). The range of the offical MCAT test would be +/- 3 points. So, it could be a lot worse if something bad happen. My test day is coming closely which is less than 2 weeks ago.
Like I said, in my head, I am not sure what will happen anymore. How many tears will I have to swallow up when the offical score comes back? How would this limit my chances as an applicants? Was 4 years of toils in college all coming to a waste? All these question rages in my head as I sit here and lament on my inadquatecy. I can't cry anymore. No more tears can I shed for this matter. Maybe the waterfall of tears will come after the official test in december?
And yet, from the bottom of my heart, I know everything is going to be okay. Or at least, that is what I tell myself each night before bed. And as my heart gives in to the this inevitable event of taking the MCAT, my head is frantically searching for a solution to resolved this crisis (am I even making sense anymore?)
But at the end of the day, I tell myself one final statement. I'll fight for it. It will be okay. Whether, it rain or shine, it will be okay. I pat myself and cried it turn bad if the worse come. I don't know. (I am sorry for this depressing post. Its the only place I can vent my feeling without worrying people. I tried not to let my thoughts out to others because I don't want to make people close to me more sad and depressed.)
I don't know what will happen or if I will get another shot at this MCAT before it changed. If I canceled now, will it be too late to reregister again? So, am I going to submit this score? What will it be?
Hmm.. My scores are not ready. I am too slow and not strong on my science. I am too slow on my verbal. And, the MCAT is changing. Goodness, the stress lol. And yet, I put such a peaceful picture for this post when the content is downright depressing.
Well, I have given up on worrying. I have let go on my fears. What will come will come. I will meet it. For better or worse, I am here. I am not running anymore. This confrontation is long overdew. If death is what will meet me, I will die in honor because I gave it my best shot. Or I can die in vain because I refused to submit the score on test day.
I feel uncertain and unsure. I feel like I am walking into the unknown. I have accepted the feeling of the worse. I don't know if I am losing hope or just being extremely calm.
Either way, lets stop thinking. I'm just going to do my job which is get ready for this test. Shall we?
No comments:
Post a Comment