I know that there are many lives worse than mine. I know there are others who suffer so much more. But tonight, let me share my fear and pain. Because tonight, I am weak.
The days are slowly slipping away and the tension and stress are getting ever greater. Things are great. I'm not ready, I'm scared, I'm unsure, I feel dumb, I feel stupid.
I don't let my parents know because that will only worries them. I am terrified.
Things aren't great. I went through a mental breakdown yesterday. Today, my heart is still heavy.
This test is going to be the death of me.
I dont' dare to tell any of my friends and my family members. I don't want to worry them. I am very terrified and scared.
I want to let it out. So that there is a medium in which I can translate this pain & fear.
This path is not easy. Doctors has warned me. Darlene has warned me. My parents has warned me. The internet has warned me. But, something just tic. I want this. I really want this.
Whether I am good enough or not good enough. It is not for me to decide. My jobs is to take this test. And I will take this test. I will probably die studying for it. But hell, let death come. I suffered. I cried. I studied. I will meet it.
Just a question for you. When you are done with school, and you are finally practicing and doing your doctor thing, how do you want your patients to act? Do you want them to 'buck up' and not talk to you? Or do you want them to talk to you, tell you their fears, and gain comfort from your assurance and knowledge? Do you want them to come to you and talk instead of walking away from treatment due to fear? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do. You need to talk to those that love you. Express your fear and let them know. And tell them that if you do fail, what you will need. The reality is, you may fail. If you fail the test, you fail it. But it's only a test. You can re-take it. You can keep going. The test isn't the end all be all of whether you become a doctor -- your drive, passion, and work is what is. Even if you fail once, twice, hell, five times! But on number 6 you make it and excel... that is what will matter. Will your patients know how many times you took it? Will they know that you were so driven to help that you worked at it endlessly? No. But they will know you talked to them. You listened. You had compassion. And you are working your hardest to help them. In that same path, let someone help you. Talk. Let go of the fear. It's ok to be afraid. We all are at times. It's not ok to drown in it. YOU. CAN. DO. THIS. ((hugs))
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DeleteI have opened up to my friends. I am planning to tell my parents soon.... But you are right. I will try. Jewlz, thank you for your wised words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me. Thank you for helping me so much in the past and thank you so much for continuing to do so. You words and your advice really has help me through some tough time. It brings me comfort now. Thank you so much!
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