Yesterday night was ...a bit expressive. I'm okay. I'm still alive and living. My mom cook one of my favorite meal tonight. My dad help changed the lights in my study room. The earth is still spinning.
Apart from yesterday part, things is okay. I'm breathing. I'm getting a bit more chubber now. I would really like to get back into shape again.
But, what happen was.. I woke up today really tired. I stayed up to 2AM because I was crying and I was really sad. My dad caught me up and encouraged me to sleep. I went to bed.
It was not until this morning did I realized how exhausted I was. I was out of energy but my head was still functioning. I went to class and sat through lecture. Through the lecture, I couldn't help feeling inadequate about myself again. But it was after class that gave me a different perspective. I studied with 2 other girls for several hours. We studied, but in addition, we also talk a bit about medical school and the application processes. We shared our MCAT fears and worries. I felt a lot better after socalizing with them. In a way, I feel like I wasn't alone.
I talk to one of the girls about her journey, and she said it was hard. But she still think its worth it. And in her, I see a very fine future doctor. I met a physician that has a similar spirit like her. I can see a doctor in this friend of mine. And yet, she is still a premed just like me. We're all studying, struggling, and getting ready for that application date.
It really made me feel better. I didnt' feel so stupid anymore. I don't know, I just feel that I could relate to there struggle, and I'm not alone. I don't know, maybe it was nice laughing with a couple people once in awhile.
And another fortunate thing happen today, one of my teacher gave me a free book about personal statement. It was nice because I get to read all of the stories of people like myself when they were still finding themselves.
I know I am not perfect. And I realized that I do not have to be. I realized that my parents love me a lot. I learned a christian phrase from a song "Love is patience, love is kind." And I realized that my mom is still going through a phase. She loves me and she is slowly trying to learn to accept this new aspect in my life. I will wait for her until she won't see my sexuality as a burden or sin. I will wait. Sometime, I feel it might be too much for me to ask her to cross so much barrier for me. But it is okay, I love her regardless.
Either way, don't be alarm if I continue to post those depressing post like last night. This journey has its high & its low. I want to share to you both sides. Its going to be a bumpy ride, but ...walk with me.
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