Healthy Living: Everything is alright

Well, I know I put everyone through a whirlwind with my recent friendship drama and everything. But things are suddenly settling down. I think it is because a lot of things has happened in the past week. But, I like to report that, right now, everything is alright. :)

I think it started 2 weeks ago when I went to a concert with my friends. The music really light up my soul. It was a great band, so I definitely had a good time. Also, I met this one girl who was really pretty. Okay, I have to admit, I would never had a chance, not because I don't dare, but I doubt I had the opportunity to see her again. She was pretty and meeting her at the concert really spark something for me. I don't know, its just weird. I go to bed thinking, weeks ago, I was struggling over some issues in my life, and then I met her and she was so pretty. My heart goes.. "wow...". And its funny really, suddenly, out of nowhere, a complete stranger who shows up for a day in my life could make me feel so weird. Don't worry, I doubt I ever see that girl again.

But, this experience goes to show that there is a lot out there in life. And there are still people and things that you need to meet and love.

The second thing that really affected me is going to out with my friends, cousins, and my mom. I kept myself busy the last few days. I was out hanging out with a college friend, then went to eat with another crew of buddies and had amazing laughs. I also visited my 2 baby cousins on the weekend and took my mom to a rotating sushi bar for the first time. I guess, I got a little carry away these past few days. I truly enjoy going out with my friends and family. I guess, it reminded me that there is a lot of people who really love me. I truly missed them, and I have been busy for too long. It is.. spring. Let's open those doors and let the light in.

The third and final thing that really warms me up was going to temple. I went to temple this Sunday, and on that day, we were praying to Phat Quan The Am. She is a deity that I prayed to every night. Anyway, I came to temple that night with a heart full of anguished. I held grudge, anger, and sadness in my heart of several people in my life. I was feeling really conflicted. And during that prayer ceremony, the monk said something that really struck me. He asked, have I forgiven myself? Have I forgiven people that have done me wrong? Have I forgiven myself for doing others wrongs? 

And that struckeme, maybe the reason why I felt so terrible lately because I still carried negatives feelings of others in my heart. Thus, I thought, okay. I will forgive. I will forgive those who has wronged me. I will forgive myself for wronging others. I will forgive. In that, I hope to find peace and released. And for the first hour, sitting in temple and having this realization, my heart would not conformed. It was still mad and still anger. It was this anger and grudge that has made me feel so terrible, and it ultimately stirred up sorrow in my heart.

So, I told myself to forgive, but it won't. I pushed myself but it was so stubborn. My heart would not let go of this anger and grudge I had for those who wronged me. And then, suddenly, the monk asked all the participant to stand up and bow down to your knees, and do it all over again. We bowed for 144 time that night. It was not easy. It was so physical demanding that I was sweating by the 50th bow. All the old ladies next to me bowing looked like they were going to faint. It was a demanding ritual. I could feel my physical body wanting to sit down, but I knew I had to keep bowing. It took great determination and focus of my mind and energy to keep on bowing after bowing.

And from all of this, I realized that none of this bowing thing is easy. I can feel it in my bones. It took everything I have to keep going, to keep bowing. All 144 bows. And then I realized, none of the teaching that buddha taught is easy. It is not easy to forgive yourself. It is not easy to forgive others who has wronged you. It is not easy to find peace. 

It will take everything you have to keep yourself on this track. It will take focus, determination, and persistence to forgive yourself, to forgive others who wronged you, to let go of things that don't belong to you and find peace. None of this is easy. None of it is. It will take our determination to do these kind of things. Living out the words of buddha is not easy.

I learned an important lesson that night. I realized that I was still feeling sorrow in my heart and conflicted because I still held anger and grudge in my heart for those who has wronged me and for those who I disliked. However, holding these anguished only brings more pain for me. Thus, the best thing for me to do is forgive. I will forgive those if they had done me wrong. I will forgive myself for doing harm to others. I will let go to things that do not belong to me.

Lastly, I realized, I owed a friend something. And, my gift to her is to stay out of her life. I think she is starting an amazing journey. Eventhough I cannot be there, I know great things will come out of it. I am positive. As for me, I am afterall an adventurer. My journey is still taking place. I have my own road to walk. And I'm not alone, my dear, I have so much love from my friends and family.

And from that realization, I don't know. Everything felt so much better. I guess, for now, for tonight, everything is alright.

Healthy Living: Life is complicated

A friend, Hdarling, came and visit me today. She isn't in a good shape. Hdarling is going through a rough patch in her life and she is miserable.

Then, I sat and talk to my Hdarling about my current life situation, and Hdarling slap some sensed into me and given me a different perspective about my online friendship. Hdarling called me a jerk and tell me not to do that anymore. Hdarling also told me to put things behind if you can, but really, Hdarling thinks I have bigger issue to worry about.

I haven't talk to one of my closet friend in .. 5-6 months, let called her Sdarling. Hdarling said, there are some people you can let go, but there are some you have to think real hard because they are too awesome to let go. I know my mistakes, I'll go make peace with Sdarling. Hopefully she takes me back as a friend.. hopefully. But, I don't want to do it yet because I'm not stable yet. I need to sort out my issue first. I don't even know what to say to her.

I had a coordinator meeting today to talk about a difficult issue with the coordinators. One of my coordinator got singled out and her feelings got hurt, let's call her Kdarling. Kdarling said she doesn't want to be a coordinator next year because of hostility. I'm terrible at comforting people. Kdarling is so amazing though, she needs to be part of the organization.

So, I am miserable myself. So, a lot of people are miserable tonight. Hdarling is sad. Kdarling is sad. And I am sad. I'm sure I can list a few more people I know on the miserable list too, but I am not. Its a list I don't want anyone to fall upon.

So, to some it up guys, life is complicated. Its not like anyone of us is dying, but I guess sometime life creates its own complication. But, we will all get through this. Hdarling going to find things that make her happy again, Kdarling is going to find a way to resolved this leadership problem, and I am going to get over all the things I need to get over.

Healthy Living: Teaching

So, I'm a going to be a tutor. I have my first student tomorrow. I am scared. We are going over Algebra & Biology. I am reviewing over my materials, but I am a bit anxious because this is my first official jobs outside premed related activities.

Healthy Living: Unteathered

I went to temple today. Its strange because for some reason, every time I come to temple, I find peace. My soul feel less tumultuous. The noise get drown out. I could feel the clear, cool breeze of air rushes by me. I feel light like a spirit.

Today, I want to share with you.

I am Buddhist. In my religion, we believe everyone is connected. The people who you interact with , those who are important role in your life, and others who you are going to meet --everyone is connected by threads. Your relationship with this person in this life depends on the dynamic of your relationship with this same soul in the last life. If you are in debt with someone in the last life, you will pay them in this life, whether is through having a strong bond of friendship, being romantic partner, or just being a good Samaritan and dropping in once in their life to do a good deed. Every good deed is given back and every debt needs to be repay.  Thus, in my religion, we believe that the people who play a large role in our life and our emotion are some how tied to us by destiny and by the deeds that was done in the previous lives.

When it comes to romance, we, Vietnamese Buddhist followers, believe in the idea of "duyên" & "nợ". For a romantic relationship to work out, it needs to have both "duyên & nợ".
--> Duyên = the connection, the love, the admiration, the spark, the inner burning of love.
--> Nợ = the time you are meant to spend with them.

In this world, there are some people who have a lot of "Duyên " with someone, but with no "Nợ " with that person. Thus, they are destine to love that person but never able to be with them. Meanwhile, if you have a lot of "Nợ " but no "Duyên ", you are destine to live with that person but not share a single connection with them.

Its this strange idea. But it is something that is very prevalent in the Vietnamese Buddhist community. And, strangely, today when I kneel in front of Buddha today, I pray about it.

There was definitely something that was bothering me these few days. There are feelings I cannot get ride of. Despite how much I try to resolved my issues, there were thing that bothered me day and night. I could not get my head out of this trouble which was relating to a very specific person. And then, I thought about my other friend who I knew was also suffering. We don't talk anymore, but I can feel her pain, her hardship, and her struggles. And I wonder, why, why do we mortal need to go through such suffering. We cry and die over an issue that we have no control over. The people who care about is already move on, ahead with their own life, yet we still carry this pain in our hearts.

It was then, I realized, I wanted released. I don't want it only for myself but for others. I want this for my friend who is also suffering. I prayed for peace. I prayed that our destiny, our "duyên & nợ", for the person we loved will be unteathered. Like a thread of fate that has once binded us on this path, I pray that it will unteathered itself, setting free those that were trapped and allow us to find peace in our heart and our soul. I pray that with this released of destiny, we can move forward with our life, meeting new people, smile, and find a new beginning.

I believe in life, the people who we care about the, those we cherished, are binded to us with this string of fate. But I pray, I pray, I pray, that for this particular thread close loosen itself, and let me and my friend free. Its time. Its about time. Let us go. Let us find our new future. Let us sleep in peace, dream of new horizon, and be in good conscious.

So, those were my prayers to Buddha. I pray for peace. I pray that our destiny of the people who have cause us suffering be loosen. I pray that we will travel new path and find peace in our hearts and soul.

Healthy Living: Concert friend

So, I went to a concert today with 2 of my buddies. We stood near the front of the stage and I noticed this girl standing in front of me. She seems pretty chill and she was checking her phone, and just standing there. So, I just continue talking to my friend, and after awhile, I noticed that she was alone. Like she went alone to a concert, and that was pretty brave of her, because I don't think i could ever do it. And, for some reason, I can't help but want to go up to her, introduce myself, and introduce her to my friend. I think it would be really cool to meet people at concert.

And just when I was about to approach her, my heart start to race REALLY REALLY FAST! I don’t know why, it just got pretty intense! And in my head, one part of me was like “So Jen, do you have the guts to come up and say hi to someone?” And my heart kept beating so so fast again! And suddenly, another part of me was like “FUCK THIS!”. And as both of my friends walked away to order their drinks, I walked up to her and started a conversation.

She was pretty cool and we talked for a bit about the band. Then, my friends came back and I introduced them. It was awesome because we all clicked pretty well, and we talk about where we traveled in the past few years! SOO!! I just want to tell u guys this, because I WAS SUPER HAPPY & PROUD of myself for having the guts to make a new friend at a concert! I always wanted to do it, but never dare.  I had a really great time and was so happy. I think life really does shrink and expands based on the size of your courage! I was just really proud of myself I made a friend. :D

Healthy Living: Let it be - Friendship lvl

Remember what I told you a few days ago? How I got into so much drama and issue with my friends? Well, after putting in much thought, I decided to let it be.

In a way, I have decided not to do anything. Not to try to fix anything, to warn anything, to interfered with anything. I am simply going to stand and let life take it course. I guess in a way, I am quite tired. There are a lot of things I dislike about the current trouble with my online friendship. But there are still things that keep me from walking away from these people in my life. And so, I am at a standstill.

But for now, I know that I simply don't want to do anything. I don't want to correct anything, fix anything, or come into anyone's way. I simply just want to exist, enjoy my free-time, and take it in slowly one day at a time. I want to appreciate the things that is happening here and now. I don't want to get upset anyone, destroy anybody romance, or try to disrupt the dynamic of my online friends group.  I want to sit back and just breathe.

I think this is the best thing for me to do right now. Let's just stop trying to resolve everything and just let things be. And in a way, I found peace. I found peace to let things right now run its course (in term of friendship). Let the relationship that falls apart take its course, and the friendship that stays, will stay. I am going to let things be. Slow down on my pacing. Enjoy this moment of complexity, craziness, and welcome this new silence.

Healthy Living: Meet the 2 sofa peeps

So, I bought these 2 little guys today. Aren't they cute? I wanted to get both so they could have a friends. They are so soft. So fluffy. So cute. hahaha, I know I'm too old for these stuff. But wow they are so cute & soft! When I held them, I knew we needed to get them.

Healthy Living: Take a Seat

Take a seat with me, and together, we will watch everything falls apart. And slowly, you'll see the foundation of friendship I have built over the last 2 years crumbles in front me. What happened? I don't know. Maybe it was all my fault. Or maybe, it was something that was already inherently there and I was simply delivering the final blow. In the past 2 days, I lost 4 friends. I am sure many more will go by the end of week.

So, sit calmly next to me, and watch this disaster unfold. Let it be. Let it fall apart, for what need to go, must go. Let it be. After the rubble and dust has settle, I will take it all in. I don't know what I should do then. Maybe I'll cry. Maybe I'll blame myself for everything. Maybe I'll hate myself. Maybe I'll label myself off having some type of deficiency and an inability to keep and hold friends.

My heart hurts. For once, nothing is going to be okay. Its not. Its can't be okay. It falling apart. I will be left with nothing, the same as when I started this gap year journey. It hurts. I hated all of this. There were inherent problem with our group. I knew it. I knew there were secrecy, distrust, and hatred. Our problem has been building up over the years. We never fully address it in the open. Everything were kept either quiet or spread from one end to another. Before I know it, our group were merely skeleton of what we used to have. Now, we were held together on a thin string.

This past week, I let out my anger and frustration. As a consequences, I hurt several friends as a result. It's my fault. But I can't do it. I can't live quietly, swallow my feelings, and put up with the bullshit that has been occurring the group. I disrupted the dynamic and became the convict. Or maybe all of the things I told you right now are a mix of delusion. Maybe I am the bad guy here. I don't know.

Either way, I refused to run away from this group. Either they kick me out, or I am staying dormant. I am done running away. I am done leaving behind people and running away from my problem. I am going to stay and get through this. Or at least, until I get kick out and abandoned. One of those few options will do.

Healthy Living: The Inevitable Fight

I guess some of this is expected, and some of it isn't expected.

So, today, I acted like a drummer. I rock hard and wonder how many walls I could shatter with my presence. I found something out today that really surprised me. I been boggled down with this problem for a whole month now and finally, I was coming back to address it. But it turn out the problem is already resolved, but not in the way I wanted.

So, today I was honest about my feeling and I knew it going to cost me 2 friendship.

Everyone around me are telling I am stupid for saying that and being honest with my feeling. But I don't know why it feels so good. It was on my mind for so long, and now I get voice my opinion and I lost 2 friends. And I don't know why it feels like a relieved. Like something been inside me that need to released, and today, I kinda let that feeling all out. And as a result, I got 2 people hating me. Oh boy, I must look like a fool to them and make things worse for them.

In a way, its all went according to plan and not according to plan. Geez, maybe someday when I looked back at this event, I will slap myself and say how stupid I am. But for some reason, at this moment time, I do not regret it at all. It feel so good to let me feeling to be heard. At this moment time, I don't think this is bad at all. I don't know if this was the right thing, but I know at least I'm trying to do something. I hope one day, I won't care too much about these 2 people in my life. I would be surrounded with happy faces and in a better place than where I am tonight.

In the end, I don't know what I'm doing or where I am going with my friendship to other people. I am not sure if I am making the right decisions. But I do know that this is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I won't be okay tonight, and probably not tomorrow. But someday, the sun will rise again.

Healthy Living: How to get a boyfriend

(Mistitled: the title tied in with the post, but not necessary explain how to get a boyfriend)

So, today, I woke up feeling half miserable, half pulling myself together since the latest rejection. I interviewed for a school and after that, they said no. It hurt. It got to me and really pulled me down for several days. And this happens in addition to all the trouble I am facing.

I  can list here all the things that are bothering me, but I won't. I won't reaccount my troubles, because in spite of the rejections and all the negatives that are also existing in my life, THERE WERE, and still are, so much positive and hope that still exist. So, I can't say life is raining on me and I'm left here to drown. No, my dear, life is indeed raining, and drowning I am, but there is also a lifeboat nearby that I can swim to for safety, and if I hurry, I can catch it before it leaves. And in addition, a helicopter passed by and dropped me a little floaty to help on my swim to that lifeboat a bit yonder. That is really my situation.

And today, I want to speak about something that is on my mind lately. That is how I am treating myself since the rejections and even prior to the rejections.

Like I said, my life is not great at the moment, but not so terrible either. So, let's start.

Last night, I finished having late dinner with my parents and I went upstair to get something done for the upcoming interview. And in that, I was so tired that I fell asleep in my chair. So, instead of laying on the chair and sleeping, I decided, you know what, I'm going to lay on my bed. So, I did. I lay on my bed and slept. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world since my bed is so soft, my blanket is so soft, and my pillow is so soft. It was so lovely. And I thought, hey, this feels great.

It only occurred that I woke up at 2:45 AM in the morning and I thought maybe I should get up to do something and prepared for the upcoming interview. While I am snoozing, someone could have been working hard. That person should be me, and I also saw that I have a text from a friend regarding some trouble with our club. So, that is also an issue to resolved. And with all the conflict going so far, I don't know. My head was like.. you still got work. But my body was like.. no, I'm going back to bed. So, out of no particular reason, I situated myself back comfortably in bed and turned off the light. I have resolved to sleeping for a few more hours, and then get up and do work. Because I hate doing work to 6 AM and then wake up around 2PM in the afternoon.

I woke up around 10:30 feeling a bit dissapointed in myself not for waking up sooner. I felt like the worst person alived. And I also got emailed for something at work and also about our club. I just want to stop everything. Go get breakfast. Eat. Watch something funny on youtube.

Afterward, instead of doing anything work related. I went to stalk my friends twitters, and saw how a buddy of mine have a boyfriend. Then, for no particular reason, I went and googled "how to get a boyfriend". Did I wanted a boyfriend? No.; Was I looking for a relationship? Maybe; Am I acting strange? Definitely.

I was lucky enough to find a good video on "why you might not have a boyfriend". And it opened up my eyes. The video reminded me of something that I have forgetten since the beginning of this month.

1. Some people want to be in a relationship so they are not lonely.
2. You can't love and keep someone if you first can't love and treat yourself right.
3. How do you know if you really love yourself? she responded "It actually shows in your actions everyday, and how you act as a person and around other people, love yourself is about knowing your values, knowing what you are worth, and that you taking good care of yourself."
--> Loving yourself is about having this inner faith and trust about oneself. Its not about denying one's flaw or removing the negatives aspect about you. It is about coming to term with who you are, what you feel about yourself, and how to make yourself better inspite of not being perfect. Loving yourself means accepting yourself where you are, and trying to work at it to make yourself better and addressing those negative aspect and feelings in your heart and life. It not about being mean or being strict to yourself. Its about caring for yourself.
4. Alot of time people let you go not because they dont' love you, its because they feel like you need to find out who you are as a person first, and learn how to self love.
5. You should always feel confident about yourself first and that will attact the right guy. Confidence is sexy.
6. Don't be thirsty.
7. Love comes when it is the right timing. But you also need to create chances. It is you who create the opportunity.
--> What she meant was that. There is a right time and place when you meet someone awesome. But that also mean that you need to also get yourself out there. It is you who will need to create the opportunity and chances for people who walk into your life. That means, taking the chance to hang out with your friend, go out and do the activities that you love, and venture forward in different opportunities to explore the world and get to know yourself a little better. This is what she means by creating the opportunity for yourself to grow and to strengthen your traits. Everything else, you leave it up to life to decide.

And I that leaves to me to think about myself a little. I guess lately, I have not been loving myself. I been the opposite for that. First, after the last interview, I isolated myself from my friends and even tumblr. Afterward, I stayed iffy about my decision whether if I should like someone who is already in a relationship. And after the rejection, I beat myself up for my own failure. I thought negatively of my crew mate when we got into trouble by our boss. I am slow at getting myself back together because sometime I questioned whether I am good enough for this new place that I am interviewing, just like I did with my last interview. It always this inner voice of doubt I set up for myself.

And I can't say that I didn't try in those circumstance to do better for myself, but I guess I felt lost and fumbled into my mistakes. I am not perfect nor is my life right now. And the last thing I need is an internal thoughts beating me down for what I have not yet achieved. And so, it brings to me one thing. I want to say something to myself:

1. I LOVE YOU MAN! I LOVE YOU A LOT.
---> if this world fall apart and you failed at everything, I will be there hold you when you cry. People come and go. Life has it up and its down. You will succeed and fail. And life will happen. But no matter what, at the end of the day, I will be here. I will love you. I will cherished you. I will hold you cry, I protect you when everything in your life falls apart. I will be here forever and always. As long as you still breathing, I will always be by your side to share every emotions with you, to share every thoughts with you, and to fill your life with joy and laughter. And when you cry, I'll be there crying with you. For better or for worse.

2. You been working hard. Since graduating from college, you been put through a world of emotions. And despite all of the challenges and doubt, you always goes agaisnt the current. You challenged and you fought regardless of the result. You fought for me. You fought for our future. You fought for the things you believe in. The things you do and the things you dare to do. I cannot even put it into words. You are worthy. You are strong. You are incredible. And my god, you'll be one hell of a doctor one day.

3. I don't give you enough credit for what you do, and I don't spoiled you enough. You always work hard at what you have. You stayed up late. You work into insane hour of the morning. When the stress get too much, you sit on the floor to pull yourself together. You fight and you cried.  You bled for what you believe in and for this uncertain future. You do it for yourself, your family, the people of the world, and for me. Thank you. Thank you for existing. Thank you for being me. Thank you for making my life so damn wonderful and worth living. You are the greatest gift I ever had.

And so, I don't think I been treating myself right. So what if I slept in last night. Its okay, I been having an exhausting wednesday. I delt with a difficult tuesday prior. And this last monday just suck ass. So, yea, So what I been taking things a bit slow. It hard. And I know this isn't helping our case in the upcoming interview. But it is essential that when you fall, you address your wounds before going head strong into fighting another battle. That right.