Healthy Living: Finding Yourself.

"HAVE IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THE WAY YOU STUDY AND LEARN MAY BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ON HOW YOU PRACTICE?"

I should be studying. I should be studying right now because my exam is coming up and I'm scared. I feel so stupid right now because I am not prepared for anything and not sure about anything else. 

So, today, we have this residency selection process. And, I just dread it. I don't know. I feel like I don't know what I want to do. I feel like I am versalitle. I can be anything, and I can adapt. I feel like I can adjust to a couple of things. So, technically, I am open to a lot of fields. But it would be nice if you have something you really like and fit the personality. I don't know. I don't think I have that going for me. 

I look at my friends and in them, I can already see their speciality. It just the way they do things and work around things. They seems like they just "fit" a certain block or characteristic. I think they are smart and extremely qualified for what they choose to go into. 

But then I look at myself, and I'm just.. disappointed. I don't know. I can't see what I fit in. I feel like I'm this big blob and I just don't know. I think my personality match Internal Medicine. But, I really don't want to go into it. I don't know. I seen family physician, I seen general internist. Its really not a life I want to live. I don't know. Its just not very appealing. I love pt but up to a certain point. I want to have a deep understanding of certain things, I wan to to specialized but that is very hard to do so in internal medicine unless you have really good grades. Well, you can see my confidence lvl. I don't know. I'm not very team "me' at this point. 

I wish I radiate a personality that fit well in a certain specialities. Or at least, like the field that I radiate. But right now, not so much. I don't know, I just don't know. It makes me mad that I don't know. Its FRUSTRATING. SO MUCH! I don't like. I like to know things, I like to have a plan. I like my plan to work too. 

I wish I have myself figured out. At this point in my life, I just don't know. Am I good enough to be an anathesiologist? Or a Neurolgoist? Oncology is pretty cool. I like emergency medicine. 

I don't know. I guess, its okay not to know. I have to learn to live with uncertainty. I guess there are certain things I need to experience, people I need to meet, mentors to find, and a little love & clue from up above. I hope I will find my way. 

I been down this road before. There was a time in my life I just don't know. And it scary, and I tried to do everything I could just to find out, and nothing would work. I guess, you just have to live and the answer will come to you with the right experience, the right people, and the right initiation is when you'll find the answer. I pray for guidance.