New Year Reflection 2024

 What are the 3 things I am most proud of accomplishing this year?

-graduating and becoming doctor

-Establishing relationship with a girl I love

-Maintain Running habits

How have I changed or grown in the past: emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

-emotionally, in tune of my own emotions and that of others

-spiritually, I know that there is someone out there protecting me

-Mentally: I need believe in myself and I need to address my burn out. 

[Healthy living] Picking thing back up

"Get your life together begins by getting yourself together" 

Tonight, I am getting back up. It's been almost month since I have walked away from the exam. Since then, I have been aimless. I didn't study. I wasn't sure what I was doing. I tried to focus on work and catching up on my inbox so that I wouldn't fall behing. I realized that there will always be work.

I was writing my accomplishment schedule for this week. I came across the "Most Important Task" list and I couldn't seem to figure out what I wanted to do. After some stretching and reflecting, I liked to get myself back together. I watched inspiration youtube videos and reels. I want to get back up now. I want to pick up the pieces and start again. I will reflect on my mistakes and seek guidance. I am picking myself back up now. It start tonight. 

Corner Wall: Be Better 2024

 

"I did not care about what happen tomorrow, for today, I knew I did the best I could." - MCAT 2014

"Have faith that it will be okay, have strength to continue the struggle, and have courage to do the things you need to do for this path is not easy." 

My wellbeing:  1 Running and stretching to preserved what I loved     --try other form of exercise 2. Sleeping enough hours  3. Eating correctly 4. Drink enough water

My social Health:  1. Call my parents and the people I love, mm 2.  Photoshoot and fashion; dreaming of the girl I always want to become 3.  Expand my social circle and build a network.

My career advancement: 1. Study for my boards 2. Make time for my boards  3. Read up on sleep  4. Keep up with my charts and sleep study 5. Invest wisely and putting my money to work

Healthy Living: Rekindling the fire

A year fly pretty quick. I blinked before my eyes and I became a physician. I blinked and medical school is done. I blinked and residency ended. I blinked and I am a specialist. Time fly with studying. 

I have been in a dazed since canceling my exam. I thought about my insecurity and second guessing everything I have done. But after talking to my parents, my mm, my friends, my mentors, I realized I need to get back up. There is something very important that I need to do. I need to pass my board exam to be a board certified physician in 2 speciality. I need to take care of myself, in term will allow me to be a better physician for my patients, a better lover for mm, and a better daughter to my parents. I will have to learn to balance between work, studying, and keeping myself afloat. 

I have a relationship with a girl I really care about and I cannot just leave her because I can't deal with my own life problem. Even though there is nothing set in stone with us, she isn't someone I want to give up on, especially when I knew how hard it was to find her. I want to cherish her. And that means doing a better job of taking care of myself. 

My mom and my dad are getting older. I can feel my emotional turmoil puts a lot of burden on my parents. They have their own lives and I simply do not want to be an emotional burden on them. I know they love me and want to be here for me. And they always will. But I want to navigate my own storm better. It's time to be a better sailor. 

It's time to stop crying and rekindle my own fire. I don't necessarily believe I have all the answer or will be perfect in the next step. But I forgive myself and appreciate the hard work that my previous self have put in. I do not believed the time I spent studying are a waste. I know that I cannot rush things until they are ready. Everything has its own time. I will study and put in the work. I will prepare better for this upcoming exam. I will revised my preparation. I will check in my coach. I will craved time for study and for myself. I will negotiate my hours to make time for it. On the bright side, I have another year to spend studying internal medicine. I truly believed this will solidify my knowledge for this field and allow me to better a sleep doctor. It will provide with financial freedom to pick and choose a job that best fist my need. I am will be able to practice in both field and choose the best position for myself. My strength lies in my versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities). 

I need to take care of myself. My body and mental health are vehicle for my soul. It is my obligation to feed it, give it enough sleeping hours, clothes it well, give it enough water, sunlight, social interaction, love and care. I am only give one body in this world. I know if I take care of myself, I will naturally feel better on my own. It will provide me with a calm and clear head to think through my problems. 

And lastly, I need not to neglect my wants. Running is love, running is life. It has forever better my life. It truly add life to my days. I need to bring back photography. I truly believe in the saying that if you look good, you'll feel good. I need to put more effort in my outfits and dresses. Photoshoot session needs to be reinstalled. I know nobody can make my life better for myself. It all start from within. Many years ago, I change the course of my life by learning how to run in 2018. My step score took off. My emotional regulation got better. Photography has brought self confidence into myself. It broaden my instagram network. And.. it allow me to appreciate of the things I love the most. My journaling helps me reflect and pencil down my thoughts and feeling. I also want give therapy a try. I don't think it hurts to ask for a little extra help in this life. It did my friends a lot of good, maybe it can help me navigate to be better a human being. I don't think it will be a perfect pill, but I could really give it a try.  

A year will fly by very fast. I should start coming up with my study plans. I will incorporate running and healthy eating into my life. I will make time for fashion and photography. I will call my parents. I will check in on mm. I form new social circles and make new friends. 

Healthy Living: No, you cannot give up yet.

 

"My journey in music has staggering highs and lows. I have seasons where I feel like I can’t miss, where I feel quite literally invincible. Then there are seasons where I wonder if I will ever write anything true or special again, whether I have anything to offer, whether I have simply fooled everyone up to this point. I am a positive guy but that just means that I go to war with my head when these doubts attack. The smile is often a smile through some sort of intense struggle. This is normal. This is everyone. If you hear this song and it inspires you to not give up on someone or better yet yourself I am with you. I am vulnerable, weak, unsure, while also being stubborn, hopeful, and optimistic. It’s a package deal." -- Andy Grammer - "Don't Give Up On Me"

I recently postpone my ABIM internal medicine exam. I did so because I realized I was not ready for it. I studied hard for it, carving time during my day off during fellowship, during my month of July, and lastly during august month. About 48hr prior to the exam, I sat myself down and be real to myself. I have review 5/12 organ system. Of which, I have not done any practice questions in the last 7 months. I don't want to be out of touch of reality but I do not believe I am ready for the test. Initially, I was going to take the test given there is no consequence other than the result of failure. But after realizing how behind I am with my study materials, I decided to the cancel the test.

The aftermath of canceling the test made me feel as if I failed it. It brought out all my insecurity. It made me questions about whether I am truly an adequate doctor, whether my current relationship is truly worthy, whether my path and life was a mistakes. I simply want to send in my resignation letter, break my apartment lease, break up my relationship, and run very far away. I am tired and overwhelmed. I am not okay. I tried not to do anything stupid because I don't want to leave my parents of the reality of a life without me.

I am very far away from home. I live alone in a new city with very few little friends. I am often left with my own thoughts and it makes me more sad. I called my mom and she told me I can quit everything and give up and stay with her for sometime.

                                  

I don't want to run away and give up on everything I have built for myself. It took a lot of work for me to get into fellowship and graduate as a sleep medicine doctor. It took a lot of dating and getting to know people before I met someone who I genuinely liked and like me back. Sure, there is still a lot of doubt whether she'll come back into the state or if she is even sure about me. It took a lot of work to find this apartment, find this job, and move from Chicago to the bay area. It took a shit ton of work to study during fellowship for my IM boards and then to study more during my month of July. It was painful to study during the month of August and starting a new job as an attending. It was a lot. I am tired. I am frustrated. And honestly, I think I probably wasted my time this whole time.

I don't want to give up. I'm hurting and I am in pain. I get teary every few hours. I don't feel like eating, its hard to get up in the morning and get out of bed. I don't feel like I want to even talk to the girl I liked. I feel like a failure. I feel inadequate. Maybe this is part of growing up and learning to deal with being uncomfortable.

If you actually break down the things that I go through, non of it is actually "hard". But it is super uncomfortable. To live in a new city with little friend. To be physically far away from the person you are dating. To have to study on top of working. To remind yourself to eat. To be at the end of your training and yet still have a big test looming on top of your head, which you can literally do nothing about until another year to address it. It is super duper uncomfortable. This suck!! And to deal with my internal thoughts who constantly think I'm a failure despite all I have achieved in life. I can barely even sit with myself.

This feels oddly familiar to the time I postpone my MCAT in 2014. I took it once when I was not ready and a achieve a low score. I scrambled to take it again before it changed and only voiding the test after the exam. I sat again for the the 2015 exam and it was the last time I took my MCAT.

Maybe there is something this place is trying to teach me. Maybe this stage of my life that make me feel so oddly isolated is actually growing pain. Something that comes with growing up and building a life for myself. I need to deal with myself while also trying to love others. I need to realized that I am far from where I once was, but not yet what I will become. I want to put less pressure on my parents and be stronger for them.

3 Rule of Resilence

 Resilience: 3 Key to Resilience

— We seem to live in an age where we're entitled to a perfect life where shiny happy photos on Instagram are the norm when actually as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk, the very opposite is true.

1. **Suffering is the part of the every human existence. Knowing this stop you feeling discriminated when the tough times come. Resilience comes from focusing on the things we can change, and somehow accepting the things we cannot.
2. Resilience people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention. Habit of realistically appraising situation and managing focusing on things they can change. As human, we are very good at sticking on negative emotions, like velcro. Resilience comes from knowing things are not finite, happiness and sadness are finite in a tangiable duration of time. Hard time are just time that are hard. Acknowledging the good things during tough time has shown by science to be a powerful strategy.
3. —“Don't lose what you have to what you have lost." In psychology, we call this benefit-finding. Make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort to tune into what's good in your world.
4. **Number three: Resilient people ask themselves "Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?" This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy and boy is it powerful. — This question can be applied to so many different contexts. Is the way you're thinking and acting, helping or harming you in your bid to get that promotion, to pass that exam, to recover from a heart attack, so many different ways.  
5. ex: “Is this helping you or is it harming you? Put away the photos, go to bed for the night, be kind to yourself."
6. —Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking, the way you're acting is helping or harming you puts you back in the driver's seat. It gives you some control over your decision making.

Inspire by:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw