I have been in a dazed since canceling my exam. I thought about my insecurity and second guessing everything I have done. But after talking to my parents, my mm, my friends, my mentors, I realized I need to get back up. There is something very important that I need to do. I need to pass my board exam to be a board certified physician in 2 speciality. I need to take care of myself, in term will allow me to be a better physician for my patients, a better lover for mm, and a better daughter to my parents. I will have to learn to balance between work, studying, and keeping myself afloat.
I have a relationship with a girl I really care about and I cannot just leave her because I can't deal with my own life problem. Even though there is nothing set in stone with us, she isn't someone I want to give up on, especially when I knew how hard it was to find her. I want to cherish her. And that means doing a better job of taking care of myself.
My mom and my dad are getting older. I can feel my emotional turmoil puts a lot of burden on my parents. They have their own lives and I simply do not want to be an emotional burden on them. I know they love me and want to be here for me. And they always will. But I want to navigate my own storm better. It's time to be a better sailor.
It's time to stop crying and rekindle my own fire. I don't necessarily believe I have all the answer or will be perfect in the next step. But I forgive myself and appreciate the hard work that my previous self have put in. I do not believed the time I spent studying are a waste. I know that I cannot rush things until they are ready. Everything has its own time. I will study and put in the work. I will prepare better for this upcoming exam. I will revised my preparation. I will check in my coach. I will craved time for study and for myself. I will negotiate my hours to make time for it. On the bright side, I have another year to spend studying internal medicine. I truly believed this will solidify my knowledge for this field and allow me to better a sleep doctor. It will provide with financial freedom to pick and choose a job that best fist my need. I am will be able to practice in both field and choose the best position for myself. My strength lies in my versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities).
I need to take care of myself. My body and mental health are vehicle for my soul. It is my obligation to feed it, give it enough sleeping hours, clothes it well, give it enough water, sunlight, social interaction, love and care. I am only give one body in this world. I know if I take care of myself, I will naturally feel better on my own. It will provide me with a calm and clear head to think through my problems.
And lastly, I need not to neglect my wants. Running is love, running is life. It has forever better my life. It truly add life to my days. I need to bring back photography. I truly believe in the saying that if you look good, you'll feel good. I need to put more effort in my outfits and dresses. Photoshoot session needs to be reinstalled. I know nobody can make my life better for myself. It all start from within. Many years ago, I change the course of my life by learning how to run in 2018. My step score took off. My emotional regulation got better. Photography has brought self confidence into myself. It broaden my instagram network. And.. it allow me to appreciate of the things I love the most. My journaling helps me reflect and pencil down my thoughts and feeling. I also want give therapy a try. I don't think it hurts to ask for a little extra help in this life. It did my friends a lot of good, maybe it can help me navigate to be better a human being. I don't think it will be a perfect pill, but I could really give it a try.
A year will fly by very fast. I should start coming up with my study plans. I will incorporate running and healthy eating into my life. I will make time for fashion and photography. I will call my parents. I will check in on mm. I form new social circles and make new friends.
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