"My journey in music has staggering highs and lows. I have seasons where I feel like I can’t miss, where I feel quite literally invincible. Then there are seasons where I wonder if I will ever write anything true or special again, whether I have anything to offer, whether I have simply fooled everyone up to this point. I am a positive guy but that just means that I go to war with my head when these doubts attack. The smile is often a smile through some sort of intense struggle. This is normal. This is everyone. If you hear this song and it inspires you to not give up on someone or better yet yourself I am with you. I am vulnerable, weak, unsure, while also being stubborn, hopeful, and optimistic. It’s a package deal." -- Andy Grammer - "Don't Give Up On Me"
I recently postpone my ABIM internal medicine exam. I did so because I realized I was not ready for it. I studied hard for it, carving time during my day off during fellowship, during my month of July, and lastly during august month. About 48hr prior to the exam, I sat myself down and be real to myself. I have review 5/12 organ system. Of which, I have not done any practice questions in the last 7 months. I don't want to be out of touch of reality but I do not believe I am ready for the test. Initially, I was going to take the test given there is no consequence other than the result of failure. But after realizing how behind I am with my study materials, I decided to the cancel the test.
The aftermath of canceling the test made me feel as if I failed it. It brought out all my insecurity. It made me questions about whether I am truly an adequate doctor, whether my current relationship is truly worthy, whether my path and life was a mistakes. I simply want to send in my resignation letter, break my apartment lease, break up my relationship, and run very far away. I am tired and overwhelmed. I am not okay. I tried not to do anything stupid because I don't want to leave my parents of the reality of a life without me.
I am very far away from home. I live alone in a new city with very few little friends. I am often left with my own thoughts and it makes me more sad. I called my mom and she told me I can quit everything and give up and stay with her for sometime.
I don't want to run away and give up on everything I have built for myself. It took a lot of work for me to get into fellowship and graduate as a sleep medicine doctor. It took a lot of dating and getting to know people before I met someone who I genuinely liked and like me back. Sure, there is still a lot of doubt whether she'll come back into the state or if she is even sure about me. It took a lot of work to find this apartment, find this job, and move from Chicago to the bay area. It took a shit ton of work to study during fellowship for my IM boards and then to study more during my month of July. It was painful to study during the month of August and starting a new job as an attending. It was a lot. I am tired. I am frustrated. And honestly, I think I probably wasted my time this whole time.
I don't want to give up. I'm hurting and I am in pain. I get teary every few hours. I don't feel like eating, its hard to get up in the morning and get out of bed. I don't feel like I want to even talk to the girl I liked. I feel like a failure. I feel inadequate. Maybe this is part of growing up and learning to deal with being uncomfortable.
If you actually break down the things that I go through, non of it is actually "hard". But it is super uncomfortable. To live in a new city with little friend. To be physically far away from the person you are dating. To have to study on top of working. To remind yourself to eat. To be at the end of your training and yet still have a big test looming on top of your head, which you can literally do nothing about until another year to address it. It is super duper uncomfortable. This suck!! And to deal with my internal thoughts who constantly think I'm a failure despite all I have achieved in life. I can barely even sit with myself.
This feels oddly familiar to the time I postpone my MCAT in 2014. I took it once when I was not ready and a achieve a low score. I scrambled to take it again before it changed and only voiding the test after the exam. I sat again for the the 2015 exam and it was the last time I took my MCAT.
Maybe there is something this place is trying to teach me. Maybe this stage of my life that make me feel so oddly isolated is actually growing pain. Something that comes with growing up and building a life for myself. I need to deal with myself while also trying to love others. I need to realized that I am far from where I once was, but not yet what I will become. I want to put less pressure on my parents and be stronger for them.
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