There was a poem I read from yasmin's blog many years ago. I loved it when I read it. I still remember it to this day. I wonder if the person who had cause her such pain and sadness. And with new dawn, she came to the realization and move forward.
I want to improve on myself. When I look into the mirror, it is hard to imaged what I need to change. Maybe I have seen myself so many time that I feel normal to look this way. But then again, I want to improve on myself. I feel comfortable being me. I have came a long way in term of looks.. I lost weight. I dyed my hair. I am trying to figure outfits. But still.. something still feel like I'm lacking.
I want to superficial pretty. Let's forget inner beauty for the next few months. Let's get vain.
Things that I think I can be better.. IF I CANNOT DATE A PRETTY, I'M GOING TO BE THAT PRETTY GIRL!
If you can't beat them, let's join them. So.. how to be a pretty girl. This is some topic off the top of my head:
That's it. I think..
But now, the only way to improve is (1) Get result (2) Get.a.brutally.honest.audience.
I need to figure out how to make this possible. Now, I need to make a notion page to set up these corner stone.
After my recent breakup, I felt so lost. It made me have a lot of insecurity. I felt maybe she broke up with me because I wasn't pretty enough or she got tired of me. I wasn't sure, but I feel very insecure about my looks and my womanly physic.
It doesn't really matter now what has happen. It matter that this is my new reality. People told me I should focus on myself and learn to love myself. Give it time, focus on self improvement, and live life.
So, this is my attempts to improve myself. I am tired of thinking about my breakup. I am tired of spiraling every single time I have a though of her. The dear girl is gone, but my brain and my heart can't seem to leave me alone.
Everything reminds me of her. It suck so bad.
But okay, the real reason for this post to is to start something new. I want to put the past behind me. I want to make my little girl happy. I always wanted to be an attractive and pretty girl. I been nerd for so long in my life that I sometime find it hard to figure out to how to an attractive pretty girl.
So okay, I been wanting to work on this project for the longest time.
I want to learn the art of being beautiful. I don't mean inner beauty. I want vanity. I want to look so good that when I walk in the room, people notice me. I want to play on my feminem features. I want that typical instagram beauty. I want to look like an attractive girl and exude the confidence. I am not doing this for any other girl. I want to do this for myself so that I will never forget myself in my next relationship.
I would like to call this next chapter: The Vanity Affairs.
Last night when I was rearranging my bedroom. It was something I wanted to do to bring new changes to my life.
I realized that ..
-The girl I love has left my life.
-I am alone in this new city.
-I have a board exam coming up in 6 months
As you read from the previous post regarding the details of our conversation, it is clear that the post was a word vomit of everything that happen. No analysis, no perspective, but just straight recall of the events.
I really don't know if I can analyze it tonight. There is just so much to unpack in our relationship. What was going with our fights? When was the fight? Why did we break up? Why didn't we stick it out and try again with new changes? Why?
In the past 3-4 days since the break up, I have really close myself up to exploring the events of the breakup or spent too much time thinking about the reason for the break up in our relationship. It took everything I have just to bear with the pain. I still had to go to work. I still have to feed myself. I still have to live. And just bearing the thoughts that we were over and that the relationship was over is all I could handle. I simply just wanted to let thing be. And just, feel the emotions. I was not ready to unpack.
I am barely able to tell close friends and family about the break up. The break up and the ending of the relationship still haunts me. I can't believe she is really gone. Someone I call and text almost every day suddenly just disapeared from my life. It was as if nothing we did togeth really matter. Its just a cold silent blank emptiness of space and silent. The void she left behind in my life.
She was one of the biggest reason why I moved to SF. To be with her. And there I am, not more than 6 months into the city, we broke up. She left. Now, the only thing keeping me here is my job.
It's so shocking how easily someone can leave and walk out your life. Someone so important, and yet, they are gone. Completely disappeared.
.. I missed her. What I would give to be back with her. To text her. To see her on the weekend. To know I have a girlfriend that I am so proud to show off to the world. Someone I can share my thoughts and my fears, my hope and my dreams. The funny moments we spend together.
..and she is gone. Like that, she left.
.. Grief has been a constant company in me since she left. Grief was there on the first day after the break up, Sunday. Then Monday came. And Tuesday happen. I lost sleep. I felt like I lost my mind. I tried to keep it together at work but the pain still seep in.
I'm tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Another day after the breakup.
I have decided that after my job, I will go buy hiking shoes. I am going to a meet up this Sunday to hike a group of people. Hopefully this goes okay.
My heart is broken. MM and I broke up last weekend on Saturday. I haven't been able to tell this story to anyone yet because it was too much to process.
On Friday, she already expressed signed that she did not want to continue seeing me. We ended Friday and I couldn't sleep. I thought about ways to make it up to her and how I can changed. But really, I was scared. I came to visit her in person on Sunday and thought we were just going to hug and hang out for a moment. But who knew she already made the decision. We went for a walk and I gave her back Noodle so she can hold onto him with a letter from me and my promise to change and improve our relationship.
But as we walked, it was cold so we went into my car back seat. I hugged her and asked to kiss her but she pull me back and said she has made up her mind. She wanted to break up. This is it for us. We talked, and a lot of thoughts and words were said. Its is still a big blurred for me. I haven't been able to recall it much because part of me want to block it out to avoid the pain.
So, let's start. Let's dive in on what really happen in the break up.
#1) First, I told her I did not want to break up. She insist that she cannot do it anymore. She told me she is at her end and emotionally exhausted. She is broken and something has permanently changed for her. It was Monday when we fought when she decided to end this. She cried that day and she didn't say one thing to me about it. She hid her decision this whole week like nothing was wrong.
#2) Second, I begged here again. I hugged her. I begged her. She said she doesn't see a future of us working out. It has disappeared from her mind of our future together. She said that she is emotionally exhausted to keep trying and she can only see our relationship getting worse. If we keep going, we are going to fight more and eventually I will be exhausted and want to give up as well. So, we should just break up while we are ahead.
#3) Third, she think the future is better for us if we seperated. We would be better off dating other people because our emotional needs are different. I need someone of a higher level that she cannot provide. She is exhausted trying to live up to my standard. In reality, I was bending backward trying to please her. She couldn't keep up with me in term of the emotional needs. She need her space to figure her life out and her health out. She has tried to incorporate our relationship in her life but it has burned her out. She has cry and gone through so much emotional roller coaster in the past 2 months then she had in the 5 years she was in the states.
--All of this, you can see, I was not aware. She went through these emotion in silent. I was blind to it. All I heard was silent from her. Nothing more. She suffers in silent without letting me know how she feels.
#4) She looked at me as I was on my knee look up at her, begging for another chance and I want to change things drastically and I have already came up a plan with my therapist. She brush back my hair and look at me and said "It's over."
-- That was when I finally knew that there we were not going back. The time that we share together or hold each other. Its all over.
#5) She told me, she is BROKEN. And I said, then you need to HEAL.
#6) She told me that there were 3 instance that she remebered when she was so tried she can't text me. But if she didn't text back she would feel like a HORRIBLE person. She cried so hard when she said that. I HUG her so tight then. And then I cried, and I said no. No you are not. I am a horrible partner to you. You sufferes in slight and all this time I was blind to it all. I was a horrible partner to her. She suffers in silent and I gave her a hard time because all I got from her was silent through those events.
--Clearly, our communication isn't there. At least, its not being heard. She has always told that she doesn't like communicating things to peple when they hurt her and rather take it in silent. She doesn't speak up for herself how she was hurt. So, the person who is perpetrator doesn't know. And they didn't think that is something wrong.
#7) She doesn't like to bring up bad news. She is a very independent person and doesn't like to be help even when she is drowning.
#8) I asked her if I can changed and make things better and be a better lover. She said she think I can improve and do very well in the coming months. I will be much happier. But she didn't even mention anything about herself being in the picture with me.
And finally, she asked. Do you respect me enough to trust my decision?
I gave it a moment of silent. I placed my hands on her. I thought about the future that she mentioned, the one were we would fight again and break up in several months when I'm depleted myself. I held her hand and said, yes, I respected your decision.
Everything after that was just 2 people crying and coming to term that it is finally over. She cried a lot and I wipped away her tears. We hug and we cried. I held her hand and told her what my thoughts are after the breakup. I hope that she would take March to rest and start dating again in April. This would give her a good 2 years to find a new partner and get married. I know she is an independent person, but it is much easier to stay in the states if you married someone. She should have enough time to find someone in 2 years to married if she start in April. As for me, I will focus on my board preparing and will not date for awhile. After my boards, I will decide whether to stay in SF or return home to Southern California.
Afterward, we parted ways. My final remarks angry her, but I really meant it in a good intention. I told her to start dating in April and if possible late March. I told her not to cry. She rush up toward me and shake me. She said somehting I forgot. Then, she said, that I don't understand her at all. She want the best for me but do something that she think it will be best for me. She said this decision would result in a better out come for both of us. It may hurts for several weeks but we will both have a better ending. She did it for herself and for me.
We both agree to not return each other stuff because it would be too hard. We would separate decide the ending for our stuff. I hope she would hold onto the necklace. We were both going to delete each other numbers. I am glad our road has crossed. And if our road cross, then we would meet again someday.
-And then, we parted.
