As you read from the previous post regarding the details of our conversation, it is clear that the post was a word vomit of everything that happen. No analysis, no perspective, but just straight recall of the events.
I really don't know if I can analyze it tonight. There is just so much to unpack in our relationship. What was going with our fights? When was the fight? Why did we break up? Why didn't we stick it out and try again with new changes? Why?
In the past 3-4 days since the break up, I have really close myself up to exploring the events of the breakup or spent too much time thinking about the reason for the break up in our relationship. It took everything I have just to bear with the pain. I still had to go to work. I still have to feed myself. I still have to live. And just bearing the thoughts that we were over and that the relationship was over is all I could handle. I simply just wanted to let thing be. And just, feel the emotions. I was not ready to unpack.
I am barely able to tell close friends and family about the break up. The break up and the ending of the relationship still haunts me. I can't believe she is really gone. Someone I call and text almost every day suddenly just disapeared from my life. It was as if nothing we did togeth really matter. Its just a cold silent blank emptiness of space and silent. The void she left behind in my life.
She was one of the biggest reason why I moved to SF. To be with her. And there I am, not more than 6 months into the city, we broke up. She left. Now, the only thing keeping me here is my job.
It's so shocking how easily someone can leave and walk out your life. Someone so important, and yet, they are gone. Completely disappeared.
.. I missed her. What I would give to be back with her. To text her. To see her on the weekend. To know I have a girlfriend that I am so proud to show off to the world. Someone I can share my thoughts and my fears, my hope and my dreams. The funny moments we spend together.
..and she is gone. Like that, she left.
.. Grief has been a constant company in me since she left. Grief was there on the first day after the break up, Sunday. Then Monday came. And Tuesday happen. I lost sleep. I felt like I lost my mind. I tried to keep it together at work but the pain still seep in.
I'm tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Another day after the breakup.
I have decided that after my job, I will go buy hiking shoes. I am going to a meet up this Sunday to hike a group of people. Hopefully this goes okay.
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