Healthy Living: The prayers

There is a god is in the sky. But tonight, I hope my gardian angel is close to my side. I don't want them to do anything. They have worked so much and so hard for me already. Tonight, I just want them to sit with me and share my pain.

This pain is meant for me. If I know anything, this pain was meant for me. It was for me. I want to thank you for the kindness that has shown on me today.

Healthy Living: Disconnect

Disconnect.

I started using the internet when I was in 5th grade. My cousin recently got a computer and internet connection. This mean only one thing. We could now play flash games online. This meant we frequent cartoon-network, Nickelodeon, and DisneyChannel website.

A few years later, it was our obsession to anime. The internet was used for watching Naruto, Bleach, and Fruit Basket.

A few years later, it was our obsession with Maplestory. This game took my life by a storm. I don't think I fully can gasp what Maplestory did to me and how it changed  me. In a way, I always left like I lived 2 life. One in the real world and one in Maplestory. I was already in middle school by now and Maplestory was my go-to-game when I got home.  My cousin was addicted to the game and they dragged me in. Because we lived a very sheltered life, my cousins would use Maplestory as a place where we hanged out with our friends online and kill monster. We did quest, joined guilds, and slowly becoming pros. Along the way, we made so much friends from all over the world. Maplestory was my window to the world. It was a safe place for me to grow.

Time flew, and I entered highschool. During this time, I met someone. I met John. John was around my age. It was the first time I met a creature so amazing.  If there is such thing as love at first sight, it was something I truly have with John. It was at the moment I knew I wanted him. So, I went out and got to know him. I got his MSN screenname and we began instant messaging. At first, I thought it work because how could he simply keep me engaged with just texting me. But I was wrong, John enchanted me. We talk so much. We talked about every and anything. Hours became minutes, and simply, the months became days. Time flew when I was with John. Due our age and curfew, we couldn't see each other as much. But John was always a text away. He was someone who I knew could make me laugh and listen to all my stupid stories.

But as highschool became harder, I had to keep away from MSN. I could only go on the weekend. So, we started to email. I sent John a long letter everyday. I told him about my day and how much I missed him. He would always replied with an equally long letter and with similar content. We had so much inside joke and silliness. For John, I felt I could tell him anything and I know he would understand and listen to me. I never felt bored talking to John. He was my first love. But because of my shelter life, I knew I could never be with John. We talk online but in real life, it was way to difficult for us to be anything more than friends. I knew it. He knew it. In a way, I felt like our love could only exist online. It was doomed from the start.

And for my whole highschool year, John was my secret. He was like a hidden angel. Our relationship was not perfect. We fought. We got back together. And the cycle continues. But eventually, by the middle of my senior year, I knew it was over for good. I had got accepted to college and I knew my life was going to change. But for John, things was still going to be the same for him. He wanted to continue what we had. But I knew I couldn't. I wanted to break free and find myself. And that meant leaving John behind. It was one of the hardest thing I had to do when I left him. He was devasted, and I felt like the light in my world has gone out. Everything be a cast of gray. We stopped talking. The text ended. Emails deleted. Everything dropped.

In college, I stayed away from everything. I stayed focused on school and participated in school events and activities. Because of our campus, it was so easy to make friend. I spent less time on the internet. I didn't need it for entertainment anymore. I had so much going in my life and so much action, drama, and romance. Hahaha, it was a time I really unhooked. I think it was one thing for me to be myself and to stay away from John. And slowly, he faded. Someone else came into my life. I met Delilah. She shifted my world.

Now for Delilah, she was something. Almost like a mythical creature. She was a unicorn. She was beautiful, smart, great sensed of humor, hardworking, and light hearted. I loved everything about her. She walked into the room and honestly, she was all I saw. By that time, I had gotten over John, but Delilah removed him out of my head for good. No more linger thoughts. Nothing. Delilah was simply the queen of my heart. At this time, I made sure I saw Delilah everyday. We were classmate, lab partner, study buddy. We were everything except good friends. It was almost like an inversed with what I had with John. My love for John was built on words. My love for Delilah was build on interactions. And it was during this time, I was simply.. disconnected from everything the internet had to offered. Delilah rules all.

But when college ended, Delilah left with it. I could not be her friend. In college, I made all attempt to be around her, but I would not allow her to be my friend. It simply because I loved her. I think it would be untrue and dishonest to myself if I was her friend. I didn't want her as a buddy. I wanted her as women. So, I let us drifted apart. There was no future for us anyway. So, I let her go quietly and peacefully. I will never forget her and the magic she lit up in my heart.

When Delilah left, I had a lot of time on my hand. I was out of school and alone. So, I thought I might as well enter the online world again like I did with Maplestory. I was simply too busy for an online game. I just wanted to talk to people and make friends. So, Tumblr came into the picture. Tumblr let me explore things and topics I never knew was possible. I could follow my favorite artist while also following medical blog. And here, I found a small community of artists.

If it was 4 years ago, I would be reluctant to make friends online. I don't know. I was kinda tired of the online friends thing that I had on Maplestory. Also, the thought of John made me wanted to succeed away from the internet. But something was different this time. John became a photograph in my heart. All I have left of him was memories and nothing more. So I ventured out, created a screen name, and made friends. Of course, some of my tumblr friends did come and go, but quite a few stays because we had a good community that held us all together.

These online friends were truly something. I was amazed how much I clicked with them.. or so I believed. I had a couple of close friends in real life that I could click the way I click with these online buddies. They were amazing and being around them helped me so much. They made me forget about Delilah. They filled my days with jokes and happiness. And in a way, I loved all of them. They were a community that I saw myself fitting in. It felt really nice because I got to open up a side of myself that I havent' been able to do in with my college mate. Don't get me wrong, I do have a couple of close friends in real life that I am 100% myself, but the majority see me as a premed, smart, and ambitious student. But, truly, I'm just a goofball. My family, cousins, and close friends would agree. Goofball.

And this brought me to this place where I wanted to draw my story to a keypoint. These online pals who I have never met and probably never will are some people who I can considered as the dearest people who ever walked on this earth. But things has been bad lately. There is mixed feelings. There is unpleasant in the air. I slowly feel like our friendship are falling apart. It hurts me because I feel like I am part of the problem. And in a way, I don't know how long I could be with these great individuals. My future is still uncertain. I don't know where my path will take.

And here I wonder, what happen if I disconnected myself again. Would I leave them the same way I left Maplestory? Would it be the same way I left John? Would it be the same way I left Delilah? And to be honest, I am tired of running away and leaving people. Goodness sake, they say, when you find someone great people, you don't let them go. You just don't. And it come to the part of my story that I cannot tell.

I cannot decide what my future will be. I don't know what my life will be like then. I simply don't know what friendship I can keep and what friendship will be let go. But then again, I think I don't have to. I am still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The people who need to be in my life will find their way here. Thus, I stopped myself from overthinking it all. Let's live. Let's do the best we can with what we have.

Healthy Living: Cherish

Maybe it's a girl thing. But.. I want to be cherished. I want to be loved. I want someone who really care about me. I truly do want someone for me. And, I think this goes not only for me but for everyone else. I think we all holding out for someone if we are single. And if we are taken, then we are already really fortunate to be with someone.

And then I think about me, I have been single for so long I almost forgot what's it like to be in a relationship. And usually these kinda things don't bother me, but for the past few months, it has. Uh oh, I know. I know.. I'm worried too. But something tell me that, everything is going to be okay.

And It get me thinking. I think the person who walks into our lives who make us feeling things are really important people. I don't think we should take them for granted and really treat them well, whether they are ours or not. They are human being too. But that does not mean you have to disregard your own feeling. Your feeling are important and you also matter.

Previously, I was thinking of writing a post about how I hated people who are in a relationship and wanting to cheat on your partner for someone else. I was going to vent on that. But, in the end, I can't say that because I probably will never understand the situation completely to judge someone in that case. What I can do, is use what I know and really try to portray it in the most positive light.

I think if you have a partner out there, you are really lucky. I think you should really treat them well, and always remember the reason why you choose to be with them in the first place. Please do not take them for granted, because they are gift from up above. And, so, as an outsider, I won't ever do anything to jeopardize the relationships of other. I think love is already hard enough, and I don't want to be part of the problem. That is my resolution for this case.

As for my own personal feeling, I have yet figure out what I will do with my own feeling. I'm  just going to stay on the down low, and maybe with time and space, I'll figure what I really want. I don't know, but I know that right now, there are important things I need to take care of.  For some odd reason, I think I am already starting to have feeling for someone. Its sad I have to let this feeling die immaturely because I don't like to disrupt other relationship. I know this suck, but I know this kinda of feeling will come back again for someone else, some day.

Healthy Living: Trailing thoughts

I woke up this morning with a schedule list of what I should be doing. And then, I went astray. I went to the beach today. The picture taken above is my beach picture. It was during the afternoon when I thought about settling down and getting some work done.

It turned out I decided to take my parents to the beach. They loved it. It was cold & windy. But it was fun seeing the ocean and to view the amazing sites. I mean, wow, its better than any pictures I ever saw. It is really the experience. When I saw the ocean and this site, it look like a kingdom you find in the Disney movie "Little Mermaid".

I thought going out for a bit would lighten up my mood and keep my head distracted from unwanted thoughts. I always wanted to head out to the ocean, and today was a good opportunity. I told myself that I'll always have paper to write, emails to send, and stuff to do. But this would be a nice change of breath, to go outside and see the ocean for just once. It was true. Its indeed was a very nice feeling.

When I got home, I was too exhausted to do anything else. I settled in and bringed watched a really old & popular anime "Death Note". I think I took too much liberty on my hand to watched it for nearly 6 hours long. I was being stupid and it wasn't really my type of anime. The show was a bit dark, but definitely in genus. It keep me distracted for awhile. Distracted from thought but also from work, which isn't such a great idea because now it's 3:40 AM, and I still got a bunch of stuff to do.

I guess, the reason why I choose to head to the beach today is because it is something I wanted to do. Also, I'm in a uncertain situation. I'm waiting back to hear from college, I'm debating about al my actions of what to do. I am getting quite lonely. I'm not talking to my trio buddies. I'm not talking to my online buddies. I'm just isolated. Some part of me want to return back to my group of online buddies, but I am worried. There are things right now that I don't think my return will benefit anyone nor even me. It might even leave some unsettling feelings, so I am a bit cautious.

You know, today I ponder the thought that I am lonely. I want my friends back. I know frienship is an important thing, and I truly want my friend back. But it's so complicated. And, I'm still waiting on some news. I don't know how I will respond emotionally to these news. So that is why I'm currently in hidding. Its not fun hidding out by yourself. Damn. I also excommunicate myself from tumblr. That's the worse. Come on.. a girl need her entertainment! But the day passes longer without tumblr, and it forces me to do stuff or find something to distract me. Netflix has become a good friend. But still, I think its a waste to sit around watching movies all day (something I have been doing)

So, this brings me to my uncertain decisions. But as lonely as it is to stay out here and being by myself. I feel its the safest decision for me. I have room to act in my emotions, I can avoid the person I still harbor feeling for, I can also avoid hurting those who I don't have feeling for, and I really.. just don't know anymore. I'm glad I have my family. They are really the only one I have right now who I can talk to. They don't know what I'm going through, but they are around and it make me feel so much better.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Healthy Living: Sticking with you

I thought about a lot of things, and all of the things, and in the end, full of things. And I came to this conclusion, I don't have anyone at the moment. And I should take this time and opportunity to do the things I wanted to do. I think there is beauty in every stage of life. And if I only focus on the disappointing thing then, I'll never be able to appreciate the thing that life gives. So instead of drowning in sorrow, I should do my best to set things in the way that it was meant to be.

Be happy with what is given to me, and be thankful for what will to come. And, love myself and much as possible, because regardless if anyone believe it or not, I truely think I'm pretty amazing and awesome! :)

Healthy Living: Here we go again

Seriously, love is not my thing. Oh well.. I'll cried this one out. We will move on. I think love is messing with me. This is one of those prank that life likes to throw.

I don't want to play this game anymore. I hate putting myself out there and getting hurt. I know it's just what I feel tonight, and I'll probably forget it the next. But omg, does it suck. It suck to have feeling for someone and they already taken. DAMN IT!

This is like the last straw. I can't stand it anymore. Why.. why does it always happen. I don't want anyone who is already in a relationship. I want someone who is honest and can be true with me. But all I ever encounter are people who are taken.. damn it.

Do I attract people in a relationship or something? I feel like I'm a magnet for attracting taken people T__T Seriously, its 2016. Let's quit the game that we been playing since 2010. I'm tired. Jaded. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Its enough.

I don't want anyone who is in a relationship or in love with someone else. Love is hard enough already, let's not try to mess things up for others.

It's really lame the way things has been turning out. Its no longer funny, but painful, and hurtful to me.

Healthy Living: The twist

When I began this journey. I knew it was not going to be easy. The path to become a physician is full of trail and error. It will be full of pain and hardship. Heck, I'm not even in medical school yet. But the road to get there is not easy. And today, I am again in a hopeless mess with the thoughts of it.

I finished most of my interview session and this school that I interview that last few days is one of my high choice school. But its not easy to get into it. I am worried about how I have done on this interview. Is this a rejection letter waiting to happen? And to be very honest, I really don't know. It was an MMI interview. I have very little knowledge if I did okay. I'm not sure how I could prepare for it or even it I'm the right match for it.

Overall, it just boil down to the fact that I cannot judge the result of my interview and it scares me half to dealth. It hard to not know how you did and judgement day is upon us. And to all the other school that doesn't even seem to say back to me or anything.

I don't know what to do and I am worried.

I think this is the time where the things you say, you really got to applied, that is. There are some things out of your control. Let it be. Whatever that is coming your way. Work hard with what you have and make the best you can possibly do with it. Let it be.

Healthy Living: Unsettling

Tonight is late, and I'm about to go to bed.

However, I want to share a bit with you tonight. I think I have been keeping it inside to myself these days, and part of me just want to let it out. I don't really know what is going on anymore... really.

I miss someone. I don't even think I like this person. Its way too soon. But this person has been on my mind lately, and I'm not very happy about it. Its distracting from my other task. I mean, yea, its fun sometime to have a semi-crush. But for real, I'm really not in the mood for any of this. I have a lot of stuff to do and worry about, and having this feeling is just not making thing any easier for me. Why now?

The second thing, my schooling. I'm getting disappointing letters from school right and left. I'm still holding out to gain a few more interview, and I'm trying not to lose faith, but it get so hard after you been receiving so much disappointing things lately.

And also, I'm waiting to hear about on some schools. I don't know. I feel totally crappy these days. Its this unsettling feeling inside. I feel like part of me is waiting, part of me is hearing dissapointing news, part of me is preparing for this upcoming test, part of me is thinking if i really have feeling for someone, part of me is really needing rest, part of me have a school on my mind.

I'm in the middle of everything. I wonder if I should take the MCAT again. I wonder if I should apply for master programs. I wonder if I will get into medical school. I wonder if I'm going to be okay and how will this process will turn out.

I'm not really lying in my back wondering because I have still a lot of stuff to do. But still, this unsettling feeling within me make me feel so weird. And, I still have a lot of things I still need to do. I'm glad I'm not really alone in this process. I have friends. I have mentors. I have my family.