I woke up this morning with a schedule list of what I should be doing. And then, I went astray. I went to the beach today. The picture taken above is my beach picture. It was during the afternoon when I thought about settling down and getting some work done.
It turned out I decided to take my parents to the beach. They loved it. It was cold & windy. But it was fun seeing the ocean and to view the amazing sites. I mean, wow, its better than any pictures I ever saw. It is really the experience. When I saw the ocean and this site, it look like a kingdom you find in the Disney movie "Little Mermaid".
I thought going out for a bit would lighten up my mood and keep my head distracted from unwanted thoughts. I always wanted to head out to the ocean, and today was a good opportunity. I told myself that I'll always have paper to write, emails to send, and stuff to do. But this would be a nice change of breath, to go outside and see the ocean for just once. It was true. Its indeed was a very nice feeling.
When I got home, I was too exhausted to do anything else. I settled in and bringed watched a really old & popular anime "Death Note". I think I took too much liberty on my hand to watched it for nearly 6 hours long. I was being stupid and it wasn't really my type of anime. The show was a bit dark, but definitely in genus. It keep me distracted for awhile. Distracted from thought but also from work, which isn't such a great idea because now it's 3:40 AM, and I still got a bunch of stuff to do.
I guess, the reason why I choose to head to the beach today is because it is something I wanted to do. Also, I'm in a uncertain situation. I'm waiting back to hear from college, I'm debating about al my actions of what to do. I am getting quite lonely. I'm not talking to my trio buddies. I'm not talking to my online buddies. I'm just isolated. Some part of me want to return back to my group of online buddies, but I am worried. There are things right now that I don't think my return will benefit anyone nor even me. It might even leave some unsettling feelings, so I am a bit cautious.
You know, today I ponder the thought that I am lonely. I want my friends back. I know frienship is an important thing, and I truly want my friend back. But it's so complicated. And, I'm still waiting on some news. I don't know how I will respond emotionally to these news. So that is why I'm currently in hidding. Its not fun hidding out by yourself. Damn. I also excommunicate myself from tumblr. That's the worse. Come on.. a girl need her entertainment! But the day passes longer without tumblr, and it forces me to do stuff or find something to distract me. Netflix has become a good friend. But still, I think its a waste to sit around watching movies all day (something I have been doing)
So, this brings me to my uncertain decisions. But as lonely as it is to stay out here and being by myself. I feel its the safest decision for me. I have room to act in my emotions, I can avoid the person I still harbor feeling for, I can also avoid hurting those who I don't have feeling for, and I really.. just don't know anymore. I'm glad I have my family. They are really the only one I have right now who I can talk to. They don't know what I'm going through, but they are around and it make me feel so much better.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
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