Healthy Living: Disconnect

Disconnect.

I started using the internet when I was in 5th grade. My cousin recently got a computer and internet connection. This mean only one thing. We could now play flash games online. This meant we frequent cartoon-network, Nickelodeon, and DisneyChannel website.

A few years later, it was our obsession to anime. The internet was used for watching Naruto, Bleach, and Fruit Basket.

A few years later, it was our obsession with Maplestory. This game took my life by a storm. I don't think I fully can gasp what Maplestory did to me and how it changed  me. In a way, I always left like I lived 2 life. One in the real world and one in Maplestory. I was already in middle school by now and Maplestory was my go-to-game when I got home.  My cousin was addicted to the game and they dragged me in. Because we lived a very sheltered life, my cousins would use Maplestory as a place where we hanged out with our friends online and kill monster. We did quest, joined guilds, and slowly becoming pros. Along the way, we made so much friends from all over the world. Maplestory was my window to the world. It was a safe place for me to grow.

Time flew, and I entered highschool. During this time, I met someone. I met John. John was around my age. It was the first time I met a creature so amazing.  If there is such thing as love at first sight, it was something I truly have with John. It was at the moment I knew I wanted him. So, I went out and got to know him. I got his MSN screenname and we began instant messaging. At first, I thought it work because how could he simply keep me engaged with just texting me. But I was wrong, John enchanted me. We talk so much. We talked about every and anything. Hours became minutes, and simply, the months became days. Time flew when I was with John. Due our age and curfew, we couldn't see each other as much. But John was always a text away. He was someone who I knew could make me laugh and listen to all my stupid stories.

But as highschool became harder, I had to keep away from MSN. I could only go on the weekend. So, we started to email. I sent John a long letter everyday. I told him about my day and how much I missed him. He would always replied with an equally long letter and with similar content. We had so much inside joke and silliness. For John, I felt I could tell him anything and I know he would understand and listen to me. I never felt bored talking to John. He was my first love. But because of my shelter life, I knew I could never be with John. We talk online but in real life, it was way to difficult for us to be anything more than friends. I knew it. He knew it. In a way, I felt like our love could only exist online. It was doomed from the start.

And for my whole highschool year, John was my secret. He was like a hidden angel. Our relationship was not perfect. We fought. We got back together. And the cycle continues. But eventually, by the middle of my senior year, I knew it was over for good. I had got accepted to college and I knew my life was going to change. But for John, things was still going to be the same for him. He wanted to continue what we had. But I knew I couldn't. I wanted to break free and find myself. And that meant leaving John behind. It was one of the hardest thing I had to do when I left him. He was devasted, and I felt like the light in my world has gone out. Everything be a cast of gray. We stopped talking. The text ended. Emails deleted. Everything dropped.

In college, I stayed away from everything. I stayed focused on school and participated in school events and activities. Because of our campus, it was so easy to make friend. I spent less time on the internet. I didn't need it for entertainment anymore. I had so much going in my life and so much action, drama, and romance. Hahaha, it was a time I really unhooked. I think it was one thing for me to be myself and to stay away from John. And slowly, he faded. Someone else came into my life. I met Delilah. She shifted my world.

Now for Delilah, she was something. Almost like a mythical creature. She was a unicorn. She was beautiful, smart, great sensed of humor, hardworking, and light hearted. I loved everything about her. She walked into the room and honestly, she was all I saw. By that time, I had gotten over John, but Delilah removed him out of my head for good. No more linger thoughts. Nothing. Delilah was simply the queen of my heart. At this time, I made sure I saw Delilah everyday. We were classmate, lab partner, study buddy. We were everything except good friends. It was almost like an inversed with what I had with John. My love for John was built on words. My love for Delilah was build on interactions. And it was during this time, I was simply.. disconnected from everything the internet had to offered. Delilah rules all.

But when college ended, Delilah left with it. I could not be her friend. In college, I made all attempt to be around her, but I would not allow her to be my friend. It simply because I loved her. I think it would be untrue and dishonest to myself if I was her friend. I didn't want her as a buddy. I wanted her as women. So, I let us drifted apart. There was no future for us anyway. So, I let her go quietly and peacefully. I will never forget her and the magic she lit up in my heart.

When Delilah left, I had a lot of time on my hand. I was out of school and alone. So, I thought I might as well enter the online world again like I did with Maplestory. I was simply too busy for an online game. I just wanted to talk to people and make friends. So, Tumblr came into the picture. Tumblr let me explore things and topics I never knew was possible. I could follow my favorite artist while also following medical blog. And here, I found a small community of artists.

If it was 4 years ago, I would be reluctant to make friends online. I don't know. I was kinda tired of the online friends thing that I had on Maplestory. Also, the thought of John made me wanted to succeed away from the internet. But something was different this time. John became a photograph in my heart. All I have left of him was memories and nothing more. So I ventured out, created a screen name, and made friends. Of course, some of my tumblr friends did come and go, but quite a few stays because we had a good community that held us all together.

These online friends were truly something. I was amazed how much I clicked with them.. or so I believed. I had a couple of close friends in real life that I could click the way I click with these online buddies. They were amazing and being around them helped me so much. They made me forget about Delilah. They filled my days with jokes and happiness. And in a way, I loved all of them. They were a community that I saw myself fitting in. It felt really nice because I got to open up a side of myself that I havent' been able to do in with my college mate. Don't get me wrong, I do have a couple of close friends in real life that I am 100% myself, but the majority see me as a premed, smart, and ambitious student. But, truly, I'm just a goofball. My family, cousins, and close friends would agree. Goofball.

And this brought me to this place where I wanted to draw my story to a keypoint. These online pals who I have never met and probably never will are some people who I can considered as the dearest people who ever walked on this earth. But things has been bad lately. There is mixed feelings. There is unpleasant in the air. I slowly feel like our friendship are falling apart. It hurts me because I feel like I am part of the problem. And in a way, I don't know how long I could be with these great individuals. My future is still uncertain. I don't know where my path will take.

And here I wonder, what happen if I disconnected myself again. Would I leave them the same way I left Maplestory? Would it be the same way I left John? Would it be the same way I left Delilah? And to be honest, I am tired of running away and leaving people. Goodness sake, they say, when you find someone great people, you don't let them go. You just don't. And it come to the part of my story that I cannot tell.

I cannot decide what my future will be. I don't know what my life will be like then. I simply don't know what friendship I can keep and what friendship will be let go. But then again, I think I don't have to. I am still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The people who need to be in my life will find their way here. Thus, I stopped myself from overthinking it all. Let's live. Let's do the best we can with what we have.