Healthy Living: About her.

Where to begin?

I'm not sure really. So many things has happened since I wrote on this blog. I really don't know where to being or how to even collect myself. What should I share with you tonight?

Well, we might as well start at the very beginning or at least somewhere in between.

I have a crush on a girl. She isn't really that pretty. I can continue to list the attributes that she lacks. Honestly, the list can get pretty long. But, I don't know why. She is like warm water to me. She isn't too cold or too hot. Despite how many time she gets mad at me, or how I'm extremely frustrated with her, I don't know why but she make me tick. Its almost like we're on the same beat. Its hard to explain. But no, this isn't some kind of sign or anything. But she is special. But I can't denied that we're on the same beat. She listens to me. She remembers the things I say, and sometime, I fear she takes the things I say way too seriously. But, she is the first person that I desire emotionally and physically. I want her.

But, there is always a but, isn't it? Well, there seems to be a lot of obstacles in the way. So many drama. So many friends involved. And religion too. I don't even know where to even start if I wanted to pursue her. Its just so much stuff and fluff that I don't know where or when to begin if I want her in my life. I just have feeling for her, and I really am stuck. I can't do much, and I don't know if there is a future for me and her.

And I wonder why she is presented in my life. I already have a lot of people presented in my life that I can't have. So, why dangle another girl in front of me and put so many obstacles in the way? What is the meaning of this? Have I been such a terrible person in the past life to deserved such hardship in love this life? What do the universe want from me?

I don't have an answer. Part of me just want to walk away, clear my heart, clear my brain, and focus solely on board. But really, can this be something I truly avoid just by pushing people away, running from the events in my life, just so I can stay focus on my grades? I feel like I did this before in undergrad with my college crush. I don't want to run away anymore. I want to deal with fear, face life as it comes, and takes it challenges. I want the board scores. I want to stay focus to study. But I want to handle my own life. I want it all.

So, what am I going to do? Do I spent this summer forgetting about her? Do I just keep this feeling inside me, and watch things get worse second year as I lose my heart and soul? I don't have an answer. I don't know what is right. I don't have the right answer in front of me. I think I know what I should do, which is to forget about her. But I can't help let her go. I just can't because she is important to my development as a character. She adds to my life. I don't know if its a positive thing, but she is important to my growth. I can't denied it. So, what do I do?

I don't know. And maybe I shouldn't know the answer. Sometime, it takes times and certain things in life to happen for one to know. But I do know I need to be better. I need to have a better of my emotions. A better control of my thoughts so I can stay focus on school and not let my emotions keep me distracted.

So, I will use to summer to put some distance between me and her. I need my rest. Maybe some quiet time apart from her will help me realized what I truly want. I pray that this will be a quiet summer. She would not be in my thoughts or memory. I just need sometime to figure things out.

I just hope, and truly pray. that first, she gets what she is searching for. That whatever decision she commits to, it will bring her happiness.
I don't need to exist in her life. She has been just fine without me prior, and will be fine without me in the future.

My second prayer is that if we are not meant for each other, I pray I will be able to let her go gracefully.