Wk2: The feeling

I'm not sure what to talk about tonight. I don't have any raging urge to talk about anything. Or maybe, it is just the music I'm currently listening. Or maybe, there is so much on my mind that I can't simply put into words. Or maybe, its too late and I'm too tired.

I don't know what message to impart on the world tonight. I guess there are no words. Just thoughts emotions. I am not quite sure what I'm exactly doing really.

Maybe, I can tell you what I'm feeling or what is on my mind. I'm trying out some ways to study for boards. I'm still seeing my crush as regularly. I don't know. We haven't really talk one on one, but seeing her make me happy. She just has that effect on me, seeing her lighten my day a little bit, and class just feels a little bit empty without her. I can't believe she still has such a big effect on me. And you know, I don't think she know about it. I don't really show it, or intentionally show it. I don't even know if we are meant for each other or even right for each other. We are so different in many ways, and I'm not even sure if we are compatible. Base on past experience, there is so many reason why I should stay away from her and move on. And which, I am currently trying, or so I hope.

But she has this effect on me. She can make me really happy and really sad. How did she get so much control over my emotions? It almost as if I am not even in possession of my emotions. She is like my cup of coffee. A little dose of her everyday, helps in some little ways. I know this is unhealthy, and I'm sure one day I will have to suffer for it.

But yesterday night, I asked myself an interesting questions. Why is she in my life? Why do we fall for people who we aren't meant for? Is she just another young love distraction that my older self will some day reminisce? Do she have to be? Or could I someday slip my arms around her and feel her body warmth? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds or how much pain I will have to pay for harboring such emotions for someone who I am unsure of my future with.

Life once again keeps me wondering. There is so much things I hoped for, but what will the result be? Who knows.

But, I did come to this one conclusion. While our path still cross, I want to be a positive influence to her life. I want to bring positiveness to her and help her reach her full potential. I want this. I want to be a positive influence for her. I choose to do it. And I hope, I can affect and influence her in some ways. And I find it funny, I consciously, want to be a positive influence in her life. I don't know anything about love or how to love someone. But I truly want the best for her. I want to see her succeed, thrive, be happy, and experience many joy in her life. She is a wonderful person, and I truly believe it.

I hope, I don't have to pay back to life the pain and suffering that I will feel for her if this ever crash to the ground. But maybe, at the end of the day, I can do one thing that Buddha has taught me. That at the end of the day, all that matter is  how much you love, how gently you lived, and how you let go of those that don't belong to you. And, and maybe with that, I can find peace going forward with my life. As long as our path still, I want to be a positive influence in her life.