Wk 4: Everything always seem to fall into place.

"Everything always seem to fall into place."

I started week 4 with a special 3rd year. She was one of the first ECM TA that really calmed my nerve during my first patient encounters. Here she was again, sitting in the one of my favorite coffee shop.

I wasn't expecting her, but she was an unexpected guest in my week. I asked her about boards and rotation. I let her know my concerns and in return, she told me about her board studying journey, and how she set into gears about doing question. The idea of boards is a looming questions and it scares me just thinking about it. We had about a 30 minute chat. She was studying for her didactic week. And at the end of the conversation, she left me with 3 things:

1. Start Doing question now. Start doing them early. Burn through them. + 2 round of UWorld
2. Get through all the resource you wanted to use at least once BEFORE January.
3. Don't worry about rotation. Everything always seem to all into place.

And with that, she walked out of my life, or at least, she walked out of my week. And honestly, it was a very reassuring thought to know that despite all the things I'm going through, things will work itself out, and I'll be okay.

"It was so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth was, it shouldn’t be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something’s difficult to come by, you’ll do that much more make sure it’s even harder, if not impossible, to lose.

Flashing forward, as I am now in week 5 of my 2nd year. I can't believe it has already been a month since I have been in school. I am around my friends again, and I have found new study methods that works for me. I'm happy that I have discovered it. I have a falling in and a falling out process with the girl I like.  My opinion of her change hourly and there is so many things I am so frustrated with her. Her existence give me a hard time. And I don't know why I deserved to carry so much feeling and emotion for someone who could careless about me. I feel like I am wasting my time just being in her life. Can we please skip this part right here? I don't know what I need to learn before I can overcome this obstacles, and its not that my life have not been difficult enough.

With all these thoughts and negative emotions that consumed me, I feel more and more hatred toward to that girl. Its not even normal. I feel like this is the universe doing because really, I don't think I voluntarily walk into this tragedy.

With so much angrish and distrubed emotions, I am sitting here wonder why. Why do I have to go through this? And I don't know why.. and I don't think I will ever know, and honestly, it doesn't matter why. This girl is here, and this emotion is here and they both sit here with me.

Remembering back to the kind words that the 3rd years have given me, I realized one very important thing.  "Everything always seem to fall into place". And maybe right now, I don't like the situation. I am not doom to my fate. I have trust. I have faith that I will see through this, and be a better and smarter student out of this. I do not wish to engaged into any conflict with anyone. I pray for a time to study and to perform. I pray for support, for love, for kindness. And most importantly of all, I pray for guidance.

And I know, seeing what life have given my parents and me, I know, Everything will fall into place.