I met up with Lk this week. She is one of my best friend since high school and we went through college together. She was the first person I came out to when I first discovered my sexuality. She stood by my side when I was crying over this one girl who I really wanted to date back then. Looking back, I wasn't sure if this girl was toxic to me or if I was toxic to myself and she was just instigating things.
Either way, because of that experience, I gain a really really good friend. Lk and I went through our up and down and there were periods we did not speak. Until now, stuff just pull us back together and she is finally engaged to the man of her dream. I am truly happy for her. Looking back, even though I didn't ended up with the first girl (who I really wanted to date back then), I realized that I gained a lot of other stuff. One important thing I gain is self love. The ability to care for others but also wanting happiness for oneself. And I didn't really figure that out until the very end, during final weeks of my 2nd year. I guess my final exam was to see if I really learned the lesson well. And that was, self love. It is impossible to love other without first loving oneself and caring oneself.
Oh, of course, I learn something important. That I REALLY REALLY LIKE GIRLS!! That is a good understanding to have. And my friends, that open up the doors to my gay community. I realized that everytime I struggled with girls, it just bring me closer to the gay community. I guess this really just mean that I can finally accept and love myself a little more. I am sure a lot of gay girls have gone through this, and it just my first step. My baby gayness.
And then the 2nd girl came along, and my goodness, was she amazing. If I had a dream girl, it would be her. Dark past, tall, extremely cute, knows how to dress, smart, hardworking, a little cold hearted, and of course, undateable. She was perfect for me, at that time. You see, I don't think I could handle a relationship during that time in my life. I just came out broken by another girl, and my grades were a mess. I didn't even know if being a doctor was the right thing for me. I felt lost and not sure of what I wanted out life. It was just a lost and scatter period in my life. And she was it, she was someone I could at least be close too that make my heart happy. She was beautiful to me. Being around her lifted my spirit, and for once, I could finally study. I actually care about coming to class because she was there. I even went to the same class twice just so I can be around her. She was everything to me and in the lecture hall of hundreds, I only saw her.
But like many things in life, each and every phase of our lives must end to allow another chapter to begin. And so, the 2nd girl eventually disappeared from my life. There were many reasons why the 2nd girl wasn't for me. (1) She was straight (2) she had a boyfriend who love and care about her alot (3) our lives did not aligned. She was important to me and was crucial to my development as a person. Because of her, I earned the grades that got me into med school. Because of her, I recovered from the 1st girl. Because of her, I regain my concentration and focus. She help me get closer to my goal and help be get on the right track to becoming a physician. I owe a lot to her and her coldness. And even though being around her everyday broke my heart slowly, it was a price I was willing to pay so I can get into med school. To me, she was my sanity.
And when I got out of college, I found a group of LGBT friends online. They were my gamer friends and my goodness, they were a blessing. In this group, I met 2 important people who help me further my development. One was KO and the other was TA. TA has a great affect of me. She was the first gay women who actually was confident and sure that she wanted a girl. We had a lot of late night talk and conversations. I bonded with her because we struggled with similar viewpoint about how being LGBT was less then being straight. During that time, I wasn't very proud that I like girls. Being around TA and talking to her, help me slowly gain that confidence. I never really had emotionally feeling for TA. I mean, I adore her and admire her talent and her perspective in life. But more so, I saw her as my older sister. Someone, who I truly thought was amazing.
But like many things, life took me away from her. Or so, I choose to walk away from her due to unexpected events that unfold between TA, KO, and I. I could no longer look at TA the same way, and I realized that as one chapter of my life ends, my path with TA no longer crossed. And with that, I let her go. She is in a better place now with someone else, and despite all that we went through, I am truly happy for her.
"Emotions comes in wave."
With that, my transition years came to an end, and I started med school. Here, I met people, got to know people, got involved into people lives, and of course, life happens again.
Today, I do not want to delved into my med school mess. Maybe, it is too early to reflect on it. Or maybe, there are still some life events and life lessons I need to learn before I can truly write about it with a better understanding and appreciation toward life. But today, my heart is breaking. I am starting to accept that the girl that I have been crushing on for about a year now might not be the right person for me. A lot of people has been telling me that, and I am still having a hard time trying to accept it. False hope hits me right and left. And sometime, just trying to fathom life without her hurts me. But then again, I thought about the girls who I thought were my world a few years ago, none of those girls made it through to this day with me. And right now, I'm preoccupied with the thought of this med school friend. So, right now, it is hard to visualized a future without her, but truly, (despite how much I hate it right now), if I was force to walk out on her and have no future with her, the future me would be alright. Life will happen, and I will be occupied with someone else with due time. And who knows, with enough knowledge and understanding, I might get lucky and find someone truly special. And this time, I get to keep her.
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