Didactic 1:We're working on it

Its been a very long time since I have written in this blog. There are many times in the past months that I thought about going on this blog to write about my thoughts and feeling. But however, it seems like I never manage to carry through.

But now, I am back.

I realized that I need this blog. I need a way to expressed my feeling and my emotions. I need this blog to keep me accountable.

I want to change this blog in a different direction. I want to document my adventures from here or at least I do something that reflex "me" time.

I think I have tried this many time, but it never really care through. So, I am not confident that it will carry through this time. But what is important is that I'm burned out right now. And I need to be held accountable to take care of myself and make sure that I am study actively and productively.

So, lets try to begin again. I will use this channel to talk about work-out, and other hobby stuff. Lol, and you'll see my next post in 2019. haha

But yes, Hi, I'm back. Let's take better care of ourself in this coming year. I want to fix my wrong when I studied for the MCAT. I wanted to change 3 things from my MCAT days.

1. Focus studying (topic by topic)
2. Eat well
3. Exercise

Step is super hard and I'm super stressed and scare about it. I'm afraid I wont' do well. There is so much fear riding on this exam. I made a lot of stupid mistake during my MCAT days. I'm want to fix my wrongs, and I want to be better.

"What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods;"

Let's be better.

Wk11: Little Lion, Little lion

I came home to visit my parents for spring break. There is a nice feeling of being home and being with your parents. I don't know, It just amazing and really nice. I love it.

My dad share a story with me tonight. It really warms my heart, and I want to share with you tonight.

So, the story goes, there once was a mother lion and her cub. The mother lion told her baby cub "Your tail is happiness." So the little lion would then start chasing his tail, but no matter how fast he try to run in circle and chase after this tail, he couldn't seem to get it. So, then he ask his mom. "How do I chase after happiness?" And the mother lion said, "You can't. If you chase after it, you'll never catch it. The only thing you can do is aim your head forward and keep running straight ahead. This way, no matter where you run or go, happiness will always follow you. Happiness will always chase after you. " 

The end. 

I know, its a bit of something. But I love it. I truly believe in his words. My parents are singing tomorrow. How nice and lucky, that I will be able to watch their performance. :) 

Wk10: Melanie's Marriage

My mentor Melanie got marry this week.  I never thought I saw the day she got married. Haha, maybe because it always feels like its so far away. That Melanie is still so young and almost like my older sister. But now, she is married. Can't wait till she have kids. Haha, that would be fun. My goodness, my very own mentor growing up and doing big kids things.

I am forever thankful that I still have her in my life after these long years. She has great grammar and wrote a really nice vows. Its kinda amazing and heart warming to see the effort that she puts into the things she does. I really admire that most about her and her kind heart. On the day of Melanie's marriage, it rained when I was driving back to apartment. That is always a good sign. My mom once told me, that if it rain on a wedding day, the couple will last and will love each other for a long time. I really think Melanie has picked a good man to be her husband.

Events: Fluttering Feeling

Ssamba passed away today. She leaves behind 68 chapters of a story of 2 girls who came into each other lives and the impact they had on each other. I like her story because it reminded me of Darlene. As I progress into the storyline, it grew more than the image of Darlene. It became something beautiful, something I yearned for, something I hoped to read each and every weekend. It was the highlight of my week during my MCAT days. It taught me that it was okay to love a girl. It taught me that it is normal the way I feel and that I will one day find someone who can love and reciprocate my feeling.

It was a key item that existed in my Gap year prior to medical school. It belong to a time when I with my gamer friends. It was a supportive group of girls who help me progress and where I can talk about my concern of liking girls. It was my very own LGBT support group.

Fluttering feeling was more than just a comic story to me. It signified a chapter in my life. The time when I was trying to get over Darlene, surrounded by LGBT friends who further help define my identity.

I have grown a lot since those time. I can't believe the thought of my gap years are merely just memories now. It felt like yesterday I was living with my parents in my room, and typing out essay and correcting my Verbal passage. It felt like yesterday I was crying on the Bus to Arizona. It felt like yesterday when I was with my group of friends talking about gay stuff. It felt like yesterday I got my rejection letters. Each and everyday, nothing feels like it has change, until when we finally look back and realize everything is different. Time changed, we grow, and our lives move forwards.

Fluttering Feeling signified a chapter in my life. Ssamba passing hit me hard because it made me realized how much time has passed since those post-college years. Her life and her work will always be remember by those who lives have been impacted by her work.

Fluttering Feeling fades and maybe fluttering feeling weren't meant to last. It is succeed by a sense of gratitude that our heart has once been touch by such rare emotion. As Fluttering Feeling depart, it gives birth to the long await, love.

“Ina: I don’t think of love as only intense feelings, like you feel as if you’re going to die without the other person. 

Ina: That person is to me…

Ina: Like bath water that doesn’t cool down, even if you soak in it for a long time.”
-Ssamba, Fluttering Feeling

Wk6: All the girls

Tonight, I miss her. Which one? Hahaha, the first one.

I don't know why I'm playing these old songs. I usually don't frequent these lyrics anymore. Its been years. I promise myself I stop visiting her facebook and instagram. Well, guess who went down the memory lane tonight? Goodness, I'm glad I didn't search through those old emails. That would have been very time consuming.

I loved her. I truly did. I was so young back then, and also so stupid. It wouldn't have work out either way. There was absolutely 100% no chance for us. It ended when it needed to end so I could move onto the next stage of my life and I could finally set her free. I wonder if she still think of me like I often think of her on some lonely night.

They say, everything happen for a reason, but I still don't understand the reason why she came into my life. Was it the fact that she was suppose to give me an experience of loving someone and caring for someone? I am still unsure. I will always care about her. She will be in my thoughts and my memories, and I will think of her on those lonely nights. She is part of me and part of my past. Oh well, let move on.

This past weekend I went to the TET festival with my schoolmates. I was excited to be there with my buddies, and part of me was kinda curious if I would bump into another girl. Another girl? Yes, another girl. Lol, why so many girls? I don't know. Don't worry, I didn't love her. She is kinda like bragging rights now. She has gotten more attractive these days and my friends seems impressed I manage to have some romantic affair with her. Let me make this clear, I completely DID NOT enjoy the ride. It was terrible. She was a bitter pill for me to swallow and she wasn't good for me. I don't care how good she looks now. I ain't ever ever coming back. I crossed the river, burn the bridge, and took the earliest flight off her planet. Let just say this, I thank her the role she played in small part of my life, but that is it. That is it. Bye Falicia!

And yea, there is one more. But lets not bring her up tonight. I don't know. Let my thoughts of her rest tonight. She ... well, she was hot. The prettiest of all the girls I have liked so far. Definitely the best dress. The most cold. The most people hating. But the most fragile. I never had a chance with her. She was more of a girl I idolized but dating, nah, that isn't ever gonna happen. But I would like to believe I once melt her icy heart as a close as any girl could. And then, I left. Lol, Oh, I hope she doesn't hold negative feeling toward me. But then again, she doesn't really care. Oh, she is probably the coldest of all the girls. Hahaha, that is why I love her. She so cold that when her heart melt, its one of the most rarest moments ever. She will always be "the one who got away" because she is one of those girls you idolized and day dream about, but not meant to spend a life with. It simply woudn't work, because we were so incompatible. She is my "poster girl". Someone you look at, stare at, drool at, but at the end, she's just a figure to admire, but not someone to hold, touch and feel. She isn't a life partner. Never has, and never will.

And this is the 26 year old me looking back on my past and life. I don't bother mentioning anymore people because I'm too tired tonight. And you know, at each and every stage of these main girls, I swear, I thought the were the BEST, and I fell hard. Oh, how much pain I went through with them and lesson I walk away with. But at that time, she has so much control on my heart. Each and everyone of them, at that time, I want nothing more for this to work, for us to be together for a long time. Funny, they felt like the center of my world at those moment, and now, they are just memories I write about on my lonely night.

Its okay. I'll let it all go. So where do my boat turn to next. Well, ladies and gentleman, there is another girl. Another ONE?? yes, another one. What will this one be? Will she go onto the list like all of the rest of the girl? I don't know. I pretty much dislike her at this stage in my life because she is terrible. But she is important to me. That's all I know. She is important. She is meant to be here. She is important. And that is all I know.

Like, For real, I think my heart is kinda tired. Like, for real, can we stop playing this game? I don't know. It would be nice to have someone to hold, someone to call, someone to share some intimate moments with. All these girls in my past are history and it gets old bringing them up. It really does. And so, lets not talk about anymore.

WK4: Everything Alright

Initially, I was going to write on this Monday night. But things came up, I got tired and so I decided not to write. And Tuesday came, and I was surrounded with work, trying to catch on Board Studying that I missed.

And finally, Wednesday came. Its late: 12:45. I have class at 8AM tomorrow and I need to be awake for the session. What should I tell you tonight? What should report?

This week is called "Skull Week" at my school. hehe
We learn technique to treat the brain and the movement of the brain.

This week feels like a catch-up week. I finally came out of a flu. I'm still coughing but my strength is slowly coming back. I can feel a part of me coming back. I like it when I was sick. My world shrink and all I care about was my health and my grade. I didn't think about anything or anybody. Every little thing I did was an achievement. I was proud of myself for completing a lecture. I was proud of myself for getting myself out of bed in the morning. I was proud just to carry on. I took myself to the doctor, paid urgent care, drank my medicine and got myself in bed on time. I felt like a good kid, taking care of my health and nothing else.

As my health came back, my expectation for myself heighten. I feel restless if I didn't board study. I feel like there is a bunch of things I should be doing, or must be doing. I feel like I need to do something. Thoughts came back into my head. I can start feeling again and my emotions. "Issue pertaining to the heart"

But luckily, tonight, everything is under control. I have worked out a manageable schedule to wrapped up my board schedule. I made peace with the face that I'll hit 400 over due in my Questionbank. But this would allow me time to study, to find peace, and hopefully to study for class.

Goodnight, world. Tonight, everything is alright. I pray for guidance.

Wk3: Sick

I'm sick.

Let me HPI myself:

22 f pt with sore throat, cough, fatigue, fever that has been constant for the last 5 days. Sick contacts are her classmates were sick a week back; Progression -warm water make it better; and loud noise make it worse. She also complaint of a headache which is 2/10 with no radiation; she said this flu is constant and progressively worse; associated sx admit fever, fatigue, cough, phelm is yellow-greenish, sore throat; denies tatycardia, night sweats

Lol, I guess that is what my sx looks like. This past week I went to see Aladin, and then stayed in my room for the rest of the week to make up for everything since I am sick. I'm using Cramfigher to study for board but I can barely keep up now since my flu is getting worse. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. If anything, I hope I get better and be able to keep up with my classes.

Wk2: Progression

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

I'm scared. I took a really hard Repro test this Friday, and the score hasn't been released yet. Right now, I'm on double duty. On one side, I'm responsible for Boards stuff and on the other hand, I'm responsible for school materials.

The last exam was drastically difficult. There were questions that I was wondering where did they get it from? In some way, I felt like I really did study for the exam the same way that I would be studying for all other exams. I do not think boards got in the way of my exam studying schedule. But the score has yet to be released, so I can't make the call on yet. I hope it is okay, I hope I will be able to balance, and I hope I will not burnout, and I hope I be able to complete all the task I want to complete before boards.

With school stuff aside, I want to talk about this amazing weekend. I was burning out so hard last week, but this week, I went hiking with my group of buddies. It was truly something. I love it so much. We saw cactus, Joshua tree, eat good lunch in the freezing cold, hike up an old path that I traveled when I was a high school student. Things are truly different now. Back then, I was just a junior in high school and we were backpacking up this highly elevated mountain with our sleeping pads and tents. I was out of shape and wasn't really fit for the climb and I also fell off in one of the clift. Life was very different for me back then. Now, I'm doing a day hike with 2 other fellow buddies. The day was cool and the sky were cloudy. It was perfect for a good climb.

And this time, the climb was not that difficult. I was picking up pace fast and I felt like I had a lot of energy. In some way, I was racing to the top and it was perfect. We made it half way and part of me wanted to continue. However, we were poorly equipped. We didn't have proper shoes, proper clothing, and food & water. We fear the sun was setting soon and we didn't want to hike back down the stop in the cold. We saw the snow and knew how slippy the step could be if it got dark. So, by around 3:30 Pm, we decided to head down. A part of me was sad that we didn't complete the climb, but apart was happy that I was to make the climb. The view was incredible and the air was fresh. I felt like I could finally breathe again after so many days studying.

We made 2 additional stop before heading home; one of which was to watch the sunset and the other was to see the stars.

There are a lot of thoughts I wanted to write about. But maybe, not this time. Its 40 minute past my curfew. But I there is one last thing I would like to say: While looking at the stars, I felt complete. I felt small but big at the same time. It was as if I belong and I am blessed beyond measured.

Wk1: The things that Floats

The conclusion week 1 has finally come. Overall, it has been a pretty good week. Before we go into the reflection lane, I just want to say a few things that I wanted to get done this week.

First and foremost, this is board prep season. 6 months from now, I need to do big kids stuff and take a big exam. This week, I was testing out the water. First, I wanted to get a schedule going and so I used cramfighter as a tracker. My goal this week was to see my actual board studying strategy actually work.

This involved a whole new sleeping schedule. No longer was I staying up till 2AM. I was in bed by 12AM. THis is because, I need to get up early around 7am to start preparing for the board study. I do Uworld questions, and my goodness is it crazy hard. But I rather go through the rift now, then have to cram those questions at the very end. My biggest fear has always been time. So, let do it now.  Let feel the freaken burn now.

The  morning is dedicated to boards, and the afternoon is resolved for all that is left -- my classes, and that is alot. I use the weekend to catch up on classwork and that was what I did this week. I was not easy at all, and I'm not sure if I have caught up with everything, given our exam is coming in less than a few days. But who know's, daytime is board time.

My only prayers is my schedule works, I keep up with my board gears, my classes get their dedicated study time, and I learn the current materials, and keep myself happy.

To ensure that everything floats, I add a few trick that I learn to this quarter:

(1) Daily meditation: This technique has really kept me sane because it puts everything into perceptive and keep me calm. It keep the bad thoughts and the emotions at bay. At least, I can be conscious of the present movement and take things as the come, and plan when I have time. It brings a little bit of peace back into my life.

(2) Exercise: The body acts in harmonious rhythm. I realized that if I was going to exercise my mind rigorously, I need to the same for my body. I have finally found a way to make exercise work. I squeeze exercise around 10PM at night, which gives me time to shower + go to bed on time. This is great because it is the last thing I do at night, I get to look at the stars, and then tuck myself into bed. It cost 2 hrs of my time. But if I use the early morning effectively, my brain is usually dead by 10PM anyway. Lol.

(3) Weekly blog: I realized that writing my blog every sunday gives me closure for each and every week. Last semester, things just seems long. Like things are continous and a never ending trails. But by writting about each week and to give it a proper ending has allow me to really have time to reflex on my week, and allow me to make proper changes to my upcoming week. It is a time to reflex on the past, and time to improve ourselves, and prepare for what is next.

(4) Be good to her: This goes back to my crush. I like her alot. I want to pursue her. I need to do so slowly and openly. I don't want it to be some shady little secret. I want this is be evident and clear. I am not sure if she is really ready for another relationship, but that is okay, I'm gonna go slow. Very very very slow. I am willing to be patient and wait. If life doesn't not approved then life will find separate path for us. But in the meantime, I will pursue her. I have no idea if this is going to work, but let's try.  For once, I'm not backing down  on something. I am not charging and rushing into it either. I want this one to last, and I'm willing to take my time, and hopefully, she opens up one day. If not, then you know, its is what it is. 

(5) Keep my friends to a minimum: That means, less talking about other people, but instead to indulge in what is good and what is kind. That is to avoid the gossip, listening to it, or participating into any of it. Rather, just let things be, keep quiet, and carry on with one business. Avoiding trouble people.

Now, for the reflecting. Haha, I'm listening to a vietnamese song today call "Please forget me". Its about a woman telling her lover to let go of the love that they had. Their love was fleeting and that it has no solid foundation, so it is better to let it die then continue something that has no roots, no substantial ability to grow. Its smoothing in some way. A bittysweet feeling. Like the La La Land movie that I watched.

And to think, a year ago, things are so different. This time last year, I was studying for my first DIT exam. It was a week long exam, and I was preparing for the materials. I felt confident in the things I have learned. It was the first time that I allow myself to indulge in the thoughts of her as a little guilty pleasure. Who knew in a course of a year it will grow into something like this and I had to go through all these troubles. But thisyear, I don't know, I didn't feel the urge to text her that much this past week.

Of course, I still think of her and she is on my mind from time to time. But the reason why I didn't reach out to her this weekend is because I just want to let her be. I don't know what is on her mind and what stage she is in, but I truly want to take it slow. If I want this to last, then what is the rush? I know she still has someone else in her heart, so what is the point of contacting her? My lesbians friends has told me to not get involved with her. Well, I am already involved. I can't run from her because I simply don't want to. And I know, she can't let go of the other girl in her heart not because she can't, its because she also doesn't want to. (I'm just portraying my own feelings and thoughts, and by no mean is it true)

But, this is the things we do to each other. We all are bound to something we can't have or and I'm just delusional tonight? Either way, if I was to give an advice to someone like myself, who is going through this, is... to give me time. Let me take things slow and  approach her slowly. If its not meant to be, things will reveal itself to me, or I'm FINALLY able to see the things for what it is, and pick up the clue. But the truth is, I simply have to live and accept things for what it is or what I see or what I believe is true. And keep moving forward. 

I truly believe that there is someone above helping me and protecting me. So, I am going to have a little faith and continue with me journey. I pray for guidance.

Winterbreak wk2: The second beginning

Hello!

Notice how I named this week's blog the 2nd beginning. Because, it is.
I honestly don't know how this year will go. Last year, I went to bed wondering what will happen that year. Will I do well? Will I ever make any friends? Will it be alright? And, in the very end, it was alright. It wasn't great, but my goodness have I learned and struggle. I made very good friends.It was tough. I'm not going to lie, some night was rougher than others. I wasn't able to control myself emotionally or mentally. Handling emotions and education was definitly something I had no experience over.

But, 2017 gave me that experience. To be able to deal with my emotions for others and also be able to juggle school. I did a pretty crappy job and often times, my academic suffers. But I'm willing to learn and I'm willing to improve.

This year, I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to be a calm ducking on the surface, but paddling for her life underneath. I want to be able to balance, stay calm, keep my emotions in check, and above all, do good work. That is the goal.

This year, I want to make some adjustment to my pattern:

(1) Write blog on Sunday/Monday to update life. To restart the week, and provide  closure for each week to share its highlights. My artificial deadline.
(2) Meditate everyday. Even if it only 4 min. I like it because it also me to pause throughout my day, and stop my brain from flights of thoughts. It my day pause. To handle my thoughts and my emotions

Yea, that is it. It is something I want to do to be able to keep me sane. It's my emotionals and academic restart/pause button. Maybe this is will be alright.

Life is a journey of self-discovery.