Well, this week was a dissapointment. I think I'm going to list out everything that didn't go well, so I can see what is really bothering me...
1. Failed Ochem midterm
2. Weight is now 131 lbs.. damn.
3. Didn't do so well on bio midterm
4. Can't concentrate in school
5. Still living w/ a broken heart
6. Made parents dissapointed
7. A whole mess of uncomplete hw to do..
8. kinda lost all hope
9. No motivation.. all is lost
10. photoshoot? ..didn't bother
Things are not going right. Things suck right now. I want to cry.
Here's a song: Bad Day
I didn't just have a bad day. I had a bad week. ...okay!
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to lose.
Right, everything in that list up there is all my fault. I am my own dimised. I didn't do the things that I should do, and in the end, I derserved the consequenes. This bad week was not a natural disaster. It was my own doing. It was my neglection, my laziness, my irresponsibility. It was my fault, and mine alone. And, I would really like to kick myself right now for getting my butt in this mess.
But, I admit I made mistakes. And there is no point sitting here hating myself for it. I got myself in this mess. I'm going to get myself out of it. One. step.. at a time.
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WHY I FAILED:
Grades:
Well, My failed midterms were result of my lack of dedication in school recently. I lost motivation. I lost that drive. Well, it's not that I lost that my passion for bio. It's just my mind was clouded with other issue. Namingly, I missed my crush. Yes, pathetic. But I was in a depression, I was trying to get over my crush by cutting all contact with my crush for 3 weeks straight. It was terrible b/c I had a very very hard time. And, I couldn't concentrate. And schooll.. seem like a little matter compare to the heartache I felt. Yes, pathetic. I know. But at least, I'm truthful.
Weight:
Well, you see.. I haven't been focus on my weight recently. I still go the gym but I eat over my calories limit. I don't put much emphasism on watchign my weight as much as I should. I neglect activites which I normally would participate to lose weight and keep myself healthy. I been eating chocolate.. Yes. I'm a sinner T___T It's my fault because I was depressed, and chocolate taste good. It make my depression less bitter and more sweet. Lol.
Task:
I am behind. Completely behind. I don't do things that I should I sit around .. in my depression little bubble. I don't concentrate. I just lack motivation. I'm just depressed all in general and I don't do anything that I should be doing. I sit around and thing.. and reflect on my life.
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WHAT I AM GOING TO DO DIFFERENT:
[BALANCE] DEALING WITH DEPRESSION:
Grades:
I love my major. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm a biological Science major! I love the subjects that I am studying. My passion has not die, it was NEVER gone in the first place. It's just.. got overwelm by my depression. I guess the reason is that I missed my crush too much to concentrate in school? Well, either way, this isn't healthy. I need to get over this person. But they have too much effect for on my emotion. SO, I guess it's not wise to get try and get over this person while.. finals is about to come up.
Summer is 4 weeks away. All I need to concentrate and do well on my final for the next 4 weeks and I can save my grades. But if that is going to work, I need to stop be in my depression. I decided to not cut communication with my crush. I'm going to text them again.. and be friends with them. I'll keep them close to me for awhile. This way, it will calm my depression down. I just need to get through this 4 weeks, and when summer hit, I'll cut all communication with my crush. And I can spend summer in a depression. But not now, I can't afford it. I need my grades.
Weight:
OKAY. Every since I suffered with my sexuality, I guess I didn't care about my weight at all. But now, I'm confident of who I am. I need to focus on my weight again. Depression won't be a problem because I already have a solution for it. Now, I just need to learn to be consistent.
I currently suffered with Food Coma in the morning. It's pretty bad and it make me fatter and laziner. I need to figure out a way to stop this. I can't let this problem continue! I need to BE ON MY BUTT AND CONSTANTLY REMIND MYSELF!! ( i guess, I need to be more weight conscious!)
What I need to do:
- Walk a fast at school
-8 glass of water
-drink a cup of water before every meal
-Daily Calories Record:
-Watch the sweet & fatty food that I eat.
Task:
I learned that music really help keep my mind off things and I can do task without thinking about all the problems in my life. So, I think whenever I need to a necessary task, I'll bring listen to music. This way, I can concentrate on completing my task.. and prevent my mind from wondering.
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I guess, after all of this, I learned something.
If I want to be the best, I need to learn to balance my life. I need to learn how to deal with my emotion, and not neglect it and deprived it, because if I do, I'll go through a depression and that will hurt my grades.
I need to get over my crush, but this isn't a good time. I can do it in the summer. It will damanging on my grades. I also need to lose weight. I started this journey at 129.. and now, a year later i'm 131. This is the worse, but I realized that losing weight is not a battle. It's a war. It's a fight that you need to fight every single day. You can't do it today, and quit tomorrow. No, you need to be on your butt everyday and push yourself to live up to your task and expectation. Losing weight is not a 1 day battle, it's a lifetime war. Living healthy and making the right choices for yourself and your body is the only way you'll ever come out alive and happy. Living life to the fullest is being able to balance. Anything in extreme is dangerous. And, nothing is impossible. Nothing. You just need to set your heart and mind to it, but not for a day, but for ever day of your life until you die.
I might be a loser now. I might be farest away from my dreams. But, I'm going to try again tomorrow, and it it fail, the day after that. I'm not going to give up. Because I know I'm worth it. I'm worth the struggle and the trouble. Just like Gertie said, "life is short" :)
((hugs)) I know this is hard. Crushes can be... crushing. I think that is really how they got their name! Anyways, it's ok to be sad and down and it's ok to cry. If you need to do that, do it. And take all the time you need. But what you have to remind yourself is how you're hurting YOU. Would you hurt your crush the way you are hurting yourself? Would you neglect them the way you are yourself? NO! Then stop doing it. Because until YOU treat YOU the way you deserve to be treated, you certainly can't be with someone and expect them to treat you well or even THEY can't expect you to treat THEM well. So, don't be so hard on yourself and get back to loving life, living, and being happy. THAT is the only way you can really and truly figure out who and what you want. That is the only way you're going to find someone to love and be loved by.
ReplyDeleteBut first, take the time to mourn a bit if that is what you feel like you need. Then get up and get to it! Because the only person who can do it is YOU. And you know, from what I've gotten to know of you on here, you CAN do it. You ARE worth it! You just gotta get back into the swing. ((hugs))
I'm so sorry honey. I can imagine how everythng is. Sometimes it's good to just take a break from everything --even if it's just an hour or two. Do what you want to do. Go out with your friends or even hang out with your crush.
ReplyDeleteI'm going through the same thing with my school and it's really tough, but We're tougher than any tests or school work. And I know we can do this :)
What a learned so far in nursing school is you can't put out ALL the fires (as in every single stinking school work) You just have to find your flow and make best of it. Because honestly there's never time in the 24 hour period to do everything. You just have to figure out what needs to be done first.
**hugs** I feel for you.
@ Jewl & Gertie,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your encouraging words and support! :) I am so happy to know such supportive friends! ^_^ I'm going to try my best to make it right! THank you so much! :) It really really means a lot to me! :]