Thank you 2016

You found me when my future was uncertain, and you gave me a path.

Healthy Living: I'm home

Coming Home:
I have been at home for more than a week. By tomorrow, I would have been home for about 2 weeks. And I could say that, I love being home. I love being surrounded by my parents. I have a some good laugh, some quality time with my cousins, and I also tried to spend time doing nothing. I try to give myself sometime to be with myself. What does it means by relaxing myself?

What is do I need to do   to recharge my battery? What is it? I dont' have a clue. I just went around having fun. But of course, I did some studying. Studying is necessary. There is never enough to study, to read, to understand, and to memorized.

Its funny really. I was walking in Target today with my dad, and when we was walking pass this kid at the toy section. I could see in his facial expression that he wasn't technically normal. I guess, I kinda accidentally diagnosed him. I didn't mean too. I just saw him, and something just click with my head, a knob churning, like iron wheels in side a clock churning. I am not sure how to described it, but it was all heavy hitting. I mean as it struck me hard. When I see something that doesn't seem right, it just struck me hard, and like, for sure, a gut feeling in me that there is something wrong.

This is not just my interacting today when I saw that kid. It was also the time when I was measuring my friend's chest breathing expansion in class. I could see the abnormalities moving in his chest, and it was a cold and undenying feeling that his chest expansion breathing was unsymmetrical.

It's all so fascinating how the medicine I am learning is how taking affect on me. It is changing the way I am seeing people and the way I am interpreting.

I been also thinking.

Our Trio: 
I have this one friend that I didnt' see this break. She is being not a good friend. But then again, she is at a different life stage then me. I'm sure priorities are very different then. I don't know. I really miss her. She was one of my best friends. But I decided not to call her this break. I don't know. I guess, I thought that as her priorties change, and my friendship is not as important to her as before. I guess, I should learn to make her friendship not important to me. Its not easy. I guess people change. But I don't try to bother to remove her out of my heart. She is my friend, and someone who first accepted me for who I am. She guided me through the time I was lost. She really was there for me when I was struggling back in college. I would not be who I am today without her help. She means a lot to me. And with that, I will leave her memory on my wall. I will cherish what we had. No matter where I stand in her book, she clearly will hold a strong position in mine.

But with that said, I have other objectives in mind. Seeing her right now isn't really a big piorties given the situation I am in. I don't know. I can say that, I don't like this situation we are in, but I am in a good place right now, so I don't want to shake the boat. I am okay without her.

I mean, we just talk alot about relationship and our crush. But, honestly, I haven't fallen for anyone in years, so I didn't really have much to talk about her. And I am sick about her about her boyfriend. Yes, they are a blessed couple, and the universe lined up for them. But for real, there only so much I want to hear about her relationship with her boyfriend. I mean, I don't really care as much as I used too. Maybe its because I was more stressed out about on how to get into medical school. So, she went on and found new friends who share her similar position. Like watching the bacheloretts and I went on to playing being with people who I share more in common, and playing overwatch.

I miss her. I want to tell her how crazy med school has been. I want to tell her about my new crush, who I am absolutely scared me to pieces because I don't know how to confront my feeling with another real human being who I have romantic affection for. I have really loved anyone in years, and to feel like this again scared me.

Something Too small To talk about: 
Huh, Maybe I should call my friend. But in a way, I don't want to. I don't know. I don't want to tell anyone honestly. Its my crush. Its my secret for now. Its only a baby feeling and the chances of it becoming anything is very rare, and I have so many doubts, it ridiculous. But hey, this small crush and feeling brings me joy. So, let me have my little moment of love.

My thoughts are everywhere tonight. But the bottom line is: I am being stubborn and I refused to contact my friends. I don't need her yet. Its is not necessary to call her. My other friends (we orginally are a trio) isn't in the same state. So, there is no need.

I guess in the end, I do know. Hesistant in itself is a decision. Inaction is after all an action.

Stalking:
On another note, I kinda accidentally, purposely, found my high school sweetheart instagram. He's happy. I see his adventures, his friends, his family. He is really happy now, and it feel so nice. I use to heard a quote and it still ring true. Eventhough I don't have feelings for him anymore, I still care deeply for him. I guess, I will continue to stalk him for years to come. Just to check on him. He still means a lot to me eventhough we don't talk. He will forever be in my heart. Someone who I will still continue to care and cherish. I wish him happiness and love.

Christmas 2016:
With that said, I believe this conclude my winter break. I should get back to doing work. At the beginning, part of me didn't want to go back to school. I just didn't want to work to death. But, I have to keep reminding myself that it is a privilege to walk this path. Only a chosen few, with the luck, the opportunity, the heart, the passion, and the desire could really walk to this path. I am fortunate my path lined up. That I am here where I am today. I know, on my own, I could not be here. I am where I am today with the support of my friends, my coaches, my family, and someone much greater. Of course, I wasn't sitting around sipping tea while this happen. So, it couldn't have not been possible without my butt walking through rigorous trials, blazing through difficult path, and with all the sacrifice I have made.

Healthy Living: Up Late - Blood, Sweats, Tears

I am starting my journey on learning how to study for the boards. I gave myself this winter break to really break out the methods on the studying the boards. The MCAT was such a burn for me. I did so much things and turns so much stuff inside and out. The thought of it scares me. My MCAT limited me from a lot of school and caused me many tears and fears. I just pray the boards will be kinder to me this time. Or at least, I will be less lost and learned to address my weakness early on, and with less fears.

I found a very useful website that I been reading, and I want to reitterate the key themes that I been seeing. So here it is folks, I believe this is the secret. But is it really the correct methods? Is Anki and Firecracker the 2 ladies I need to choose between. Or is my boyfriend the First Aid will come to the rescue. But don't worry, I'm secretly seeing Kaplan, and I have a few more candidate line up in the next few years.

Healthy Living: No Excuse

“There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.” -Kenneth H. Blanchard"

I want to be greater, and I want to be something more. I am not satisfied with myself right now, and I want to be better. I want to be stronger and exude confidence. I want to speak, voice my opionion, and BE PROUD AND OWN UP TO THE THINGS I CARE ABOUT. I AM GOOD ENOUGH. And I will be.

I have not been able to get up at 4 am. I say I would, but I have not. I say I spend an hour a day for board study, but I have not. I said I would excerise 2x a week but I have not even touch the treadmill in weeks. I

           

Best Birthday Ever!!

Its so amazing! I will update!

Healthy living: 4 AM Challenged

I have come to a decision. I want to change. I want to do better and excell. For the next 2 weeks, I will be taking on a challenged of waking up at 4AM. I started yesterday. I ended wakintg up at 6AM instead. It was not the goal, but it was an improvement. Let's go! If you want to be great, you gotta get up ahead of the world. The early bird gets the worm.

Healthy Living: Living it forward

I just recently got back from my thanksgiving break. I was going to write a post over the weekend, but I didn't find the chance to do so. I guess, it was because I was way too exhausted from school that I just wanted to catch some fresh air with my family and friends.

This weekend, I did really enjoy myself. It was quite fun seeing my old friend, eating good food, and bond with my family. One of my cousin is applying to PA school right now and she is going through a lot of stressed. Damn, I remember the feeling, and if you walked through it with me, you probably seen how crazy the processes has been. She got a couple of interview so I congratulated her. These kind of things are tough, and nobody really truly appreciate the difficult process of obtain an interview unless you have probably apply yourself. So, I bought into the habit of congratulating people at the interview. It is still a quite achievement in my mind.

But we're not here to ramble about my cousin. What going on in my life? Well, the break was so good that I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to go back to something that challenged me, and put me on the edge and take me into a wirlwind. I just didn't want to be worked to the bone again, after such a great break. But then, during this break I watched Yuri on Ice. It a gay show about male ice skater. And you know what, it brought back the fire in me. It help me defined what is passion. It reminded me of what its like to want something, and what it mean to love something even though it pushes you off the edge. It reminded me of something deeper and stronger than the struggle that I have endured for so far.

In one of the episode, the main character came in last at a world tournament. The episode started with him crying in the bathroom of the tournament. He was then insulted by younger player. Then, he saw his idol who he competed with and he could see that he is in a completely different level from them. They were too far ahead, too far stronger, and better than him. He left the arena for a whole year and went home. I expected him to have given up. I expected him to be lazy and just give up on his dream. But what shocked me was that after he arrived home, he went to the ice ring to practice skating.

From here, it just clicked in me. To me, it made sense. He love to skate. He love being on the ice and doing his thing. He love what he did. Sure, he wanted to succeeded. Sure, he wanted to be on top. Sure, it wanted it all. But at the very bottom, he loved skating truly down to his very bone.

And it reminded me of an interesting youtube comment I found awhile ago. I shall share it here.

"A true passion is a part of you, it’s not just something you do for fun. You do it when it hurts, when you fail over and over again and it tears you to pieces but you just keep going anyways because it’s so core to your being that not doing it would mean that you as a person would no longer be yourself if you stopped. Passion is never giving up. If giving up your “passion” is an option to you, then you weren’t passionate in the first place. “ - Youtuber

This was what the first episode of Yuri on Ice meant to me. And from there, it rekindled my sparks.

Healthy Living: For what's its worth, keep pushing on

For what's it worth. You can do it.

Healthy Living: Something more

What week is this? But that's not the point. Lets get to the point. I had dinner today outside in the garden. It took myself out to my apartment complex and had a dinner under the stars. It was quite nice since I have been stuck inside the whole day studying. My apartment room does not have a functional window. It has 2, but I am too afraid to open it because I was afraid of spider crawling. Either, way, I live withthe A/c on 24/7. My eletricle bill is quite high.

But that's also not the point.

Then what is the point? Well, After sitting outside today and having dinner, I was able to look up at the sky and look up a the moon. I saw the clouds wrapped around the moon, and I don't know, I can't help feel something. At that time, I was also on the phone too, and my mom was singing to me. And at that moment in time, while looking up in the sky, I could feel that there is something more to this world.  I felt that there is so much stuff happening in my life, and lifes of others. That there is this ultra force of the universe, colliding, and splitting. Its like a chain of fate and the events that will be unfold and waiting to unfold. I know I don't make sense, and I am typing too fast to slow down. But I FELT there was something so much bigger than this world that I am in. There is more to life than just med schoool. THere is more to earth than what we believe. THere is this great universe out there,and all the interchangeable things that will happen, and when it does happen, create unfolding and rippling effect all over our lives. And that I am sitting here, eating outside tonight, at that very particular destination, in that one sequence in time, I am able to see the cloudes wrapping around the moom, and i just felt that there is something so much bigger than I could ever imagined. Its like a force of nature. I don't know.

Healthy living: You Can Do This!

You Can Do This!

I did it. I pass. I scrapped the passing line. But god damn, it made it.

Healthy: The Hard Hours

I'm going through hard time right now for grad school. But then again, when did I not go through a hard time? In this dark times, I realized something important. First, nobody is more dissapointed in me than myself. But nobody has been let down and hurt about my life and performance than myself. I have constantly let myself down, drop the ball, look like an idiot, and make every possible mistakes in the book as a student. But then again, nobody work for me more than myself. Nobody tried for me more than myself. It was my ass that get myself out of bed in the early morning, sleeping late, dealing with the stressed, and juggle a million pieces, and the ball come-- be expected to performance and do it well. Nobody go down in the dirt for me than myself. So as much I am not happy about my current situation, I realize that the self love, the love I have for myself, and the thing it has willing go for me, to hell and back. I am proud, And I happy. And with these broken pieces, unrealized future, and daunting path, I will not be alone.

*(This statement does not include my parents)

Healthy Living: Different

Anatomy has changed me. I don't know what it did. But I know for sure I was not the same person as I was 3 months ago. It changed the way I studied. It showed me my weakness. It poke holes in my studying method, and showed me that something is missing in my methods. I don't know what. It showed me that I am at the beginning of my journey, and that I need to figure it out. It made me scared, and it pushed me. I found a quote that really reflected my journey in health so far. "The process takes as much as it gives". I don't feel the same. I don't know what it is.

I feel weak, scared, and vulnerable. I feel constantly behind, and that there is always something I need to do. It showed me that I need to be stronger, smarter, and brighter. I haven't figure it out yet. Anatomy has taken as much as it gives. I pray for well being and future of myself and family.

I don't feel the same anymore. Also, I also started exercising. I made a promise with myself 2x a week + 1 weekend (except the week of test days)

Healthy Living: Something gotta give

I woke up this morning, and cried a bit. How silly of me. I know why I been so miserable last night, and for so many other nights. I been overworked, overstressed, lack sleep, and my performance isn't where I want to be. In addition to that, my health is not the best so that really put a slump in my buss.

But then I woke up this morning. I am well rested, I had my 7 hours of sleep. But that meant, that I slept in for 2 hours already, and probably late on all the work I was suppose to do. But then, it just hit me that I am miserable because I came with a really wrong expectation of school.

I mean, I came into grad school not really having much expectation other than the fact that is suppose to be hard. But my goodness, the true grip of grad school really hit my expectation out of the ballpark. Not only was there so much to do, your suppose to do it everyday, and be fast, and be good with it. When the test comes, you are expected to be ready. Expected to performed and excelled. Or at least, that's the mentality I give to myself.

And I don't know, maybe because I didn't have any expectation at all, I felt so behind and beat up with the schedule given to us. In addition to that, I am a slow in term of making studying, so this drag my schedule down so much more.

So, with that said. I felt miserable at my new school. It is really hard. And I don't think it is suppose to be easy. Why did I come here expecting what I would expect back in undergrad? How foolish of me to compared my current life with those that are not in the profession.

This profession has its own culture, work ethic, and lifestyle. I am at the beginning of everything. I am not used to the work load. Heck, I'm not even used to living alone. I haven't figure out how to take care of myself completely yet. I am only beginning. This rough start is making all my progress all so difficult. I guess, I need to change my perspective on what grad school and not to compared myself to the life of others. In addition, I need to learn to navigate between the water of "overwork", and "being behind", and build pockets of air for myself to breathe and survive.

This isn't suppose to be easy.

Healthy Living: The behind

I feel behind. There is so much that I need to do. The school has given us a 3 day weekend, but honestly, I don't know what it is anymore. Since, there is so much work that if I did all my work the whole weekend, I wonder if I could still catch up in time for all this.

Something needs to change. I feel so like crap.

Healthy Living: Unexpected Friday

I had a difficult week. What happen today was a amazing. We had a great surgical resident came in today to teach us about the brain. The greatest part is that she was my size. I always doubt if I'm strong enough for medicine. If I'm strong enough to make it into a specialty of my choice. I just feel so weak. But then looking at her. A little girl of 5'4 around 120 lbs. Someone like that could make into neuro surgory which is dominant by men. Then, I too, maybe, can follow my own dream. I don't have a clear perspective of what physician I will become. But seeing her today gives me strength. I can make it. It is possible. And there is a way. I hope I find it.

Healthy living: Week 8ish

To be honest, I am not happy. I'm miserable. I'm sick, and tired. I been coughing for about 3 weeks. I just finished one exam already and its really hard. I don't know how I'll make through this grad school stuff. I just see people flying by, having an amazingly good time and enjoying themselves. But really, I'm not happy.

I don't do anything except study. The most fun I allow myself is to go shopping and seeing my parents. Really, something has to changed. I am living in fear of wheather passing my classes. I'm not doing well as I like in class. I haven't really found friends I can connect with or be real with. Everyone is just everyone. I don't know, I kinda wish there is more to this.

It was my dream to go into medicine. I am living the dream right now, but damn it, I sure don't know how to manage it. I am miserable, and my cold is making everything worse. I went through a rough 3rd exam, and I am really scared of the result.

So, I take in a breath. We just had exam, and now we are heading on toward another exam soon, and this course has difficult section on anatomy. I am writing here because I want to vent. I want things to change. I want to survey this. I want to manage this. I want to succeed. And I want to be better.

I just don't know how. I am frustrated, tried, and sleepless. I need to go to bed because I had like 5 hours of sleep yesterday and for quite awhile. I'm miserable, and I don't know how to manage my life at this moment.

....

I often wonder if I will survive this storm. I really need help. I think I will need to see my counselor tomorrow. Maybe just touch some base with him.

But you know, I have a dream. I dream that one day, I will be someone great. I'll do worthwhile things. I will get survive this. And I must succeed.

Healthy Living: week 8

Well, I just came back from a week of hell. And it seem like there is so much to come. I hope and pray I have enough strength for the upcoming challenges.

Healthy Living: Having it hard

Being sick suck. School suck, I'm not liking anything right now.
I cough. I'm sick, and tired. I don't feel well, and honestly, I missed home. I missed being pampered and taken care of when i'm sick. But out here, and ever since I been living alone, its been quite sucky.

I don't know, I never thought it could be this hard. Ever since I started grad school, the work load is insane. I was constantly pilled with stuff to learn and study, and I have not quite master how to study yet. So, i'm struggling with that, and in addition with the large amount of stuff I have to know and learned.

I feel behind, but I also feel defeated. I studied really hard, but then getting below average, and scarpping the line of passing. This is discouraging, and the sicnkess has not been kind.

I mean, I felt the flu full circle on this one. I don't enjoy living alone, taking care of myself, and handle school. I know I am complaining, and all and all, and it terrible. But it maybe its because, its 2 am, and i'm sick. and I just finished one of my class lectures.

Man, this is rough. But my parents reminded that there are worser thing out there in life. Ad that I still have it lucky because all I do is study, pass my class, and be good. So, I guess that is a blessing in itself.

I hoping to go to bed now, and hopefully, and just pray things will get better soon. I really need my strength for this up coming week.

Wk5: What works, What doesn't, and everything else is a mystery

To Study and How to Study:

So, I got my exams today. And I scored 2 standard deviation below my class average for anatomy. It stink and stuck like hell. I been studying day and night for the last few weeks and everything just fall into pieces. I am very and deeply troubled. I am actually scared if I will pass my class. But with that said, I think its time to reaccess what the hell is going on. I will actually present you a chart of my studying habits. I am frustrated, pissed, and dissapointed. But I realized that this is just the beginning. I didn't start out my freshman year and studying that same method toward my 4th year in undergrad.

I am fully aware of many many future dissapointment and failure and setback that will about to come with this journey. I know this is actually not the hardest days. There will be harder days that the future will bring.

So, lets me do some analysis and show you my result.

So, there is a lot of question marks in my studying style. From my findings, I realized that I missed several important thing. Some Core conception:

(1) Unable Recalling old lectures after 2-3 days
(2) No active "Testing" to review materials
(3) No Active Recall. No retrieving material without clues
(4) No Interval Revival: Did not access all the material until 2 days before exam, and left with a dozen of small little facts to remember.
** Some things can only brutely memorized. But if you can, understand the how & why. If you understand, you will remember 10x so much better.

These are something I really need to fix, or find some solution to.

Healthy Living: Wk 4 - grad school

I gave myself 7 min to write this.

Right now, I am a bit brain dead. I been doing stuff the whole day. This week has been like a race, a race to catch up with things. I constantly feel like I'm behind, but that is because I took my summer off. Well, now I'm paying for it by studying everyday, which isn't bad if your trying to develope your studying habit.

Today, something happened. It was the fact that I got too tired of studying that I couldn't study anymore. So, I took myself out, I drove several miles away from school to buy a tea drink & get dinner at a mall place. And it feel so different. The weather was cold, and you could feel that winter is coming, the fall is truely here. It was chilly, and so it was pretty nice. And life for that instance, slowed down. I felt I was moving at a slower pace. It's so different to feel 2 different things. One thing was the fast pace of the health world, and the other is the fairly normal of the regular world. I started to see boundaries. Of going into the bubble, and going out of the bubble. Its so different.

That was my breather. I felt relaxed and back to earth. It almost remind me of christmas there. The night lights were out, and it was a sunday night, so everything was farely beautiful. Driving home from the trip was really nice. I felt amazing and the fact that I went out. It was so fun to explore the new city that I lived in. The weather was chilly. I can feel the season changing. To this, we welcome fall. Fall is awfully romantic this year.

Healthy Living: Man in High Heels - Movie afterthough

Man in High Heels.

I treated myself to a movie tonight. It 3:32 AM, and I'm still up. I wonder why I do this to myself. I will probably already have a lot of sleepless night ahead of me. But you know, I want to stay up and watch this movie. It makes my gay little heart very very happy. I love gay content in entertainment. And this one is especially a very good movie. I loved it because its captures very well the feeling and heartache of someone who was born in the wrong body.

I actually think its very rare for to find a movie this good created from an Asian entertainment industry. Movies like this doesn't appealed much to mainstream audience. But its means the world to those that lives that life, a life that is not so easily accepted by society. I love every inch of the movie.
The movie captured the pain of what it meant to be different, and to hide it, and live a double life. To be who you are not to the world, and to hide your real self behind close doors. To suffer silently and to struggled with one identity. It depicted these emotions very well. It showed how LGBT individual are bullied, self harmed, and self hatred. Its depicts a man torned between his life as a man, and his desired to be true to himself, and become a women. He is the manliest of man. He is the baddest and cooliest guy on the block. But his far most kept secret is being a woman. Inside, he identity as a female. He loves a man. And nobody would really suspect from looking at him and the way he acts in real life.

What I loved most about the movie is that at the very end, it depicts a very important theme. It shows that, we cannot changed. This kind of thing is intrinsic to our heart and soul. Our sexuality and identity is one of the part that make us who we are. It a special trait.

At the very end, I loved it. I recommend it to anyone who is LGBT, or just anyone who want to watch a good movie and experience what it is like to be different. Okay, I'm really going to peace out now.

At the end of the day, the person you have to lived with is yourself. You can't lie to yourself.

Healthy Living: A week summary

I think, from now on, I am going to write a week summary. Throughout this week, I have done a lot of things that make me want to sit down and write about. But then again, I have like so much material and work to do, so I never really did find the time for that. Thus, I choose not to do so.

But it is the weekend today, and I have completed my first exam. After that, I went home on Friday just to relax with parents, and came back on Saturday to clean up the house. Did I get any work done so far? Um.. nope. I hope this doesn't come back to bite me this coming week. But man, grad school is really a blister.

With that said, with so much going on with grad school, I still feel that I need a little pocket hole. Something to keep me alive, something to speak to me, something to allow me to unplug, breathe. And I guess, there are few things in my life that I could tell you that are important to me.

Through the past few weeks away from home, I missed my parents terribly. We skyped everynight, but I still missed them. Talking to them is one of the favorite part of my day. That is one of my bubble. Another one is my gayness. Being an lgbt individual, I am surrounded with a lot of straightness in the world. But, I always enjoy a night scrolling through tumblr, reading update my lgbt tumblr follower, and also watching some gay movies or even gay anime, warms my little heart. It just so amazing. I get so nervous and excited when one character confessed to another. I squeel like a little girl. I guess watching gay content make my heart smile.

Thats a few things I can think tonight. I need to go to sleep now, but somehow, I just don't want it to end, because I know tomorrow, I will be preparing for the upcoming week. Tomorrow, I will be a grad student. But tonight, I have no titled, no responsibility, no obligation. I get to sit here and write my own blog.

Healthy Living: 2nd week of grad school

I finished my 2nd week school. It was not easy, the work load is intensed!
School has really exhausted me. But, I want to keep the flame going for this blog, because it is one of the only thing I can freely expressed myself.

I don't know what to say about this week. It went fast? Or was the material delievered to us really fast. It was crammed in and pushed forward. Exhuasted, yes, I am. But I don't expect nothing less from grad school. I usually have a lot of thoughts to say, but tonight, i want to just sit and chill. School really did me good this week.

I chosed to put this picture because it really is what we are doing currently right now in class. There is so much to tread through, and honestly, I don't think you can do it alone. You need people, those that keep pushing, and you keep pushing, and each motivating each other to move forward.

What I learned from this 2nd week is that - I'm not alone. There just so much people feeling the same feel. We are scared. We are exhuasted. We are all going to push forward together.

Healthy Living: Anatomy Lab

I met my first patient today. It was our first anatomy lab. On the doorway before the lab, it said " We privilege few who enter here, embrace with dignity and respect". Our first patient, even in death, provided us with his body to teach us the intricacy of anatomy. I am thankful.

Healthy Living: Exhausted

Yesterday was an emotional day. Yesterday was the start of my graduate school life experience. It is also the day that I officialy entered my school and leave behind all the thoughts of others. It came with both joy and sadness.

For me, I wanted to go graduate school in my university that I attended for undergrad. I was on the waitlist there and I was waiting for when they called me. Yesterday was the day that everything ended. The waitlist stopped and everything falls to pieces. Since it was my top choice school, I felt this pain inside. Seeing my old high school mate get into that school but I didn't make me feel really sad and disappointed of not getting into my first choice. I understand if a lot of people can't relate to this feeling, but the school that never called me, being my first choice, and not getting selected, hurts me. It brought me pain.


But then again, during that time, I did remember advice a second year student did give me. He gave my incoming class on the topic of how to survive grad school, and one of the things he said was.. "let it go".

I felt a bond and a connection to him because for one thing, he was my Bio Academic Peer tutor back in undergrad. When I was a lonely little sophmore in college, he was our tutored in 3rd year. Seeing him as a 2nd year at my new school, and seeing him giving advice on how to survive and thrive in this new environment gave me a lot of hope. It brought 2 great significant things in my life.

First it was, "hey, he was the role model I looked up to while in undergrad, and now he's here. I guess, I'm not that dumb since I am also in a similar school environment as he is. Maybe I am in a better spot then I actually give myself credit for." And also, "If he can thrive here, and break boundaries, then I feel like I can do the same." And suddenly, without ever introducing myself to the guy, or even approached him, he's somehow became my role model all over again.

Secondly, during his power point presentation, he gave my class a special advice at the very end. It was "let it go". I didn't really quite sure what he meant in his slide, but right up the the part when I was driving home from my school celemony. I understood. It was to let go. Let it go of the things I cannot changed, and accept the course that my life will lead. To let go of the sentiment of going to my almatur school. It was the accept that road in my life has fade. I didn't wanted it to be this way, and if I got to choose, I pick my alamtur school. But I don't. My life has lead me to this path in my road, and with a bitter swallow and the pain in my chest, I had to let it go. It was a necessary step to move forward and survive.

But as one sun set, another rise. It almost like something need to end, in order for another to being. And with that, I welcome my new school, my new family. I am fortunate enough to be accepted to a grad school in the US. It wasn't my top choice. I didn't know everything about it when I was going in. I decided to apply to this school because I have seen good professional comes out of this school.

I don't know too much about the road ahead. And to be very honest, I'm kinda scared where my road might take me. I am not sure what will become of my profession  in a few years. Will it improved or fade away. For all I know, it is not an immediate concern for me. I'll let the leaders and representative of my art to be my spokeman, and they will do their best to clear the road for us humble students. My job now is to learn and study, for the world will be a different place when I become a physician.

Healthy Living: Last Night Home

It all boils down to this. I am moving out. This whole week was all about packing, getting everything in the apartment, buying necessary thing for living. Now, it is ready. I am spending my last night at home. Tomorrow, I move out as college graduate student.

Healthy Living: Mouse Love Rice

Tonight, before going to bed, I played an old song on my phone. I wanted a style of music that could remind me of the old days. And so, as I browsed around on youtube, I found an old song--Mouse Love Rice.

It is a very old song. For me, I discovered it when I was 14. As I put that song over in the background of my phone, and as I slowly close my eyes, I felt like I have time traveled. I felt the years slipped away, and back to an innocent time in my life. A time before responsibily, a time before medicine, a time before premed, and a time before intense academic achievement. A time, when biology I was a just a kind stranger.

As I wist away into the past, the first thought that came into my mind was a sunny day during P.E in my freshman year of high school. I remember walking out of the locker room with my P.E clothes, and a guy friend of mine was making fun of me. He teasing me because I didn't know what was the current slang and bad words. I got mad and I teased him back with something elsed, and he blushed. Its funny, because we stayed friends for the next 8 years as we finished high school and graudated college together. He is currently in Pharmacy school now.

Also during that day, my close friend of mine was rushing me to class. It was a hot day, so I didn't want to change out of my PE clothes and go to class. Our honors biology class was very far away from the locker room, so I just ran to my bio class in my PE clothes. This friend of mine who rushed me, is currently in Dental School. We were close friends in high school, and even closer in college. One of my best buddies. We still keep in touch every 6 months.

And as I arrived to my biology class, I sat next to one of the smartest girl in our room. She was so clever and I had to constantly asked her for help. She was my lab partner for 9th grade biology. I honestly thought my lab partner could be anything in life and still succeed termondously. She is now an artist. It was her passion and love. She is quit successful now, and her art is already selling well when she was in undergrad.

And then, during that time, another classmate who sat facing me, she was the brightest girl in our school. Not only was she smart, but she was hardworking. The best of all combined. I wish I was like her sometime, and I have to admit I was always been her competitor in some way back then. She pointed me out one time that I was praying in my biology class before our exam. And indeed, I was praying, I wanted to do well and pass. This brilliant classmate of my graduated top of her class not only in High school but became Sum Cum Laude in university. She now go to a big name univeristy for pharmacy school.

And then, another buddy came by me at break. She was so tall, and she would teased me about my height. Gosh, I wished that I was as tall as her one day, but it never came true. Well, she later on became an artist, joined the miliatary, and now traveled the world with her services. She also gave a speech at the UN in NY once. Pretty cool really.

The list goes on and on... and so, my point here is not to brag about anything. It just crazy to see how amazing that many my buddies has really done something great with their lives. And I'm confident that this list is going to continue to grow from years to years to come.

10 years ago, my buddies and I were just kids. Barely having our first love or crush. And now, we are all doing something worthwhile with our lives.

Healthy Living: Moving Away

Its funny. So, back in early May, I already had a rough idea of when I was going to move away. My parents and I planned a date for the Moving Away party for me. During the months of May, June, and July, this date seem so far away. But now, its tomorrow. My moving away party is tomorrow.

Also, just yesterday, I went to my last bodylift class at 24 Fitness with my friends.

Medical School

There is something I have kept away from this blog for awhile. I want to share this news now. Starting early this year, I was received an acceptance letter from an Medical School. After a few more acceptance, rejection, and waitlisted, I think it is time to clear the air. 

I have selected a school and has enrolled in it. I moved in today. My dad and I came to my new apartment and he helped me moved in all my furniture. This Wednesday, I will bring my clothes. This Friday, I'll bring food needed for the next week. 

Guys... I'm going to med school. Stay tune. 

Healthy Living: Overwatch

I enjoy Overwatch alot. Its late, I got off the first week of work today, and then i hangout with some of my friend on overwatch. It was really fun.

Healthy Living: Gaming

A close friend of mine recently asked me if I have ever wonder how our life has changed since we choose medicine. Would our dating prospect change? Would our lifestyle change? Would we be as competitive as we are now?

I guess things would be different. I tried to think back to a time when I wasn’t premed where I wasn’t so competitive. My gap years let me relive these time for a bit. I think I would gravitate to same people who I have as friends now. I would play more video games. I don’t know how to answer her question, but I know that in another life, I would probably still like video game. I would definitely still like girls.

And it made me think, how would my life be different if I wasn't premed? With this, we would have to traveled back in time 8 years ago. During, that time, I was only a Sophomore in high school. I stilled played video games, hanging out with friends, and I even got time pursue someone. School was important but it was not the main factor in my life.

I played video games so much, and it was amazing. But when I got to my Junior year, my competitive level started to arise. I had a thirst within me. I wanted the grades. I wanted the recognition. I wanted to do well in school and get my name out there. I wanted a future for myself. It was that competitive nature in me that push me to work hard and obtain what I had today.

High school started to become insanely hard. I hated it because it was so hard and terrible with so much smart kids that make me feel stupid. Then, I went to college. My studied ethinics in high school carried into college, where I performed really well. I was one of the top student in my class. It was almost as if I was trained in high school, and college was were I performed.

During my quest to obtain my grades, I found medicine. You know, some people choose medicine because their parents want them to. Some choose medicine for the money. Some choose medicine for the fame. And, I didn't know why I choose medicine.

Maybe I was lucky and was put on a good track and guided by great mentors. But through their guidance, I found something special in medicine for me. I realized with my career, I could assist someone in a critical time of their life. I could be their light, someone they depend upon. I could to be someone who understand and assist. I have the knowledge that other would only guess. As cheesy as it get, I saw that in medicine, I have hold of gift of life, something to restore, to heal. And I thought that was pretty magical. To be human, but to do something to others that they could not do to themselves. I don't know, and there are still more things I don't know.

But, I do know something. I am not the 15 years old I was when I was in my Junior year. I guess, I would be happy playing video game, going to school, pursue my love interest right now too. But, you know, once I found medicine, I can't unfind it. I can't unwant it. I can't go back to where it was before because I am lucky and fortunate enough to be accepted to take on this path. Knowing what I know now, going back would be a waste of a life. It would be a thirst. I would spend my life wondering why I did not choose medicine.

I don't know how to describe it. Something changed. Things happened to me. I competitive in my nature. I still love the things about me that is not medicine related. Its there. Its there.

Healthy Living: Clubbing

Tonight was my first time going clubbing with a group of my girls. We were all buddies and we knew each other since forever. Today, we met up to have a girl's night out. I recently came back from my Vegas trip so I didn't want to drink with my rash going on. So, I was the designated Driver. It was a pretty fun night, and everyone was really chilled.

First and formost, my friends didn't overdress, so my casual outfit fits right in. Thank goodness! When we got to the first bar, it was pretty chill. One of my buddy went all out and she bought everyone the first round. The drink was a size of a fishbowl, which was around $30 bucks! I watched everyone drink and saw their face redden up. Originally, the trip was just going to be 4 of us girls, but another girl tagged along and she was an old high school friend of my buddies. She was cute, and did she attract attention. Or was it just our whole group?

I wasn't sure, but in the first bar, after we got our drinks, a guy approached us. He talked to us as a group but he kinda "pin" in his girl, which was our new friend. He was getting closer and closer to her and talking a lot more. We kinda try to divert our attention to our phones or speak among ourselves so he could leave. He ended up staying for awhile before leaving. That night, he came back several time to our table and eventually, I think by friend said something to him and he got red and left.

After that, we went bar jumping to another bar. It was a chiller bar. There was a lot of peopled dancing and in clubbing clothes. Thankgoodness I dressed up because it was cold. In this second club, we wages our price to get through the doors, while the guys pay so much more. It was a pretty interesting concept to me.

In there, we just got our drinks and sat, we didn't dance as much, because I guess I was pretty shy, and it was pretty late. Another guy slowly approached our group, and talked to us again. He was alot nicer and chiller. By that time, both of my buddies were drunk so they were overly friendly to everyone. They started to make conversation with everyone, and everyone seem to be so approachable. I don't know why, I guess in some way, it seem that most people seem to be opened to be approached and talked to. Some even invite it. It was an intersting things I was able to observed.

As I was there, I didn't really reach out to anyone new, since I didn't really see the purpose. I kinda had my rash, my buddies, and of course, it was my first time, I wasn't going to barged in on anyone. But if there is another chances, I would like to talk to a few more people, I think majority of people were really open to it. Some guys were really nice too.

By 1AM, we got 3 girl buzzed and 1 wasted so it was a good time to called it a night. Time passed by so quick so I barely realized it was already 1:30 by the time we got back to our car. I drove everyone home since they were like babies by that time.

Tonight, was kinda fun. I can see why people do enough clubbing on the weekends. It allows people to loosen up a bit, to hang around with friends, to laugh at their buddies getting drunk, to talk to a few new faces, and just enjoy the night out. The weather tonight was nice too.

I got home around 2AM and showered. I went to played a bit of overwatch since, why not? I had a large tea drink & also another soda. A lot of sugar to burn.

Today was my first time night out. I played it safe, but it was pretty fun and safe. I am glad I had buddies who got to show me around. :)