Wk2: The feeling

I'm not sure what to talk about tonight. I don't have any raging urge to talk about anything. Or maybe, it is just the music I'm currently listening. Or maybe, there is so much on my mind that I can't simply put into words. Or maybe, its too late and I'm too tired.

I don't know what message to impart on the world tonight. I guess there are no words. Just thoughts emotions. I am not quite sure what I'm exactly doing really.

Maybe, I can tell you what I'm feeling or what is on my mind. I'm trying out some ways to study for boards. I'm still seeing my crush as regularly. I don't know. We haven't really talk one on one, but seeing her make me happy. She just has that effect on me, seeing her lighten my day a little bit, and class just feels a little bit empty without her. I can't believe she still has such a big effect on me. And you know, I don't think she know about it. I don't really show it, or intentionally show it. I don't even know if we are meant for each other or even right for each other. We are so different in many ways, and I'm not even sure if we are compatible. Base on past experience, there is so many reason why I should stay away from her and move on. And which, I am currently trying, or so I hope.

But she has this effect on me. She can make me really happy and really sad. How did she get so much control over my emotions? It almost as if I am not even in possession of my emotions. She is like my cup of coffee. A little dose of her everyday, helps in some little ways. I know this is unhealthy, and I'm sure one day I will have to suffer for it.

But yesterday night, I asked myself an interesting questions. Why is she in my life? Why do we fall for people who we aren't meant for? Is she just another young love distraction that my older self will some day reminisce? Do she have to be? Or could I someday slip my arms around her and feel her body warmth? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds or how much pain I will have to pay for harboring such emotions for someone who I am unsure of my future with.

Life once again keeps me wondering. There is so much things I hoped for, but what will the result be? Who knows.

But, I did come to this one conclusion. While our path still cross, I want to be a positive influence to her life. I want to bring positiveness to her and help her reach her full potential. I want this. I want to be a positive influence for her. I choose to do it. And I hope, I can affect and influence her in some ways. And I find it funny, I consciously, want to be a positive influence in her life. I don't know anything about love or how to love someone. But I truly want the best for her. I want to see her succeed, thrive, be happy, and experience many joy in her life. She is a wonderful person, and I truly believe it.

I hope, I don't have to pay back to life the pain and suffering that I will feel for her if this ever crash to the ground. But maybe, at the end of the day, I can do one thing that Buddha has taught me. That at the end of the day, all that matter is  how much you love, how gently you lived, and how you let go of those that don't belong to you. And, and maybe with that, I can find peace going forward with my life. As long as our path still, I want to be a positive influence in her life.

Week 1: How much has changed in a year.

Yesterday, I went to my school mentor/mentee things. I can't believed it has already been a year. What I got most out it wasn't that I was bonding with my mentee. Obviously, I feel like he was much more mature than me and was ready to take on the world. I got a different feeling to the whole event. Things were so different today from a year ago.

A year back, I came there scared. I don't know who my mentee were. I didn't have any friends and I didn't know anybody. I wasn't really sure what to make out of the event after the dinner. I stood with my mentor watching a group of girls playing Powerpuff Balls. There was a girl in that group that caught my attention awhile back. I really didn't think too much about what she was to me or why I even bother to pay extra attention. At that time, I was just glad she was focus on the game, and I could feast my eyes on the site of her.

She wasn't necessary pretty or cute. I don't know, I just wanted to watch her play and her interaction with her teammate. It was a rare and nice moment. I was enjoying the game and the site of her. Afterward, a guy friend of mine drove me back to my car. I talked to a few classmate about anatomy. The dude that drove me back was one of my anatomy group mate. Things were so different back then. I didn't think too much about who these people are and what difference they will make in my life.

Flash forward, a year later, on this exact similar event, I was now the 2nd year waiting on me mentee. He end up showing up but was about 30 minutes late. I didn't bother too much about the details regarding him. He got it. I just knew it, but maybe he was trying a little bit hard to fit in. I wasn't sure if it true, but that was the vibe I got.

And when it came to the event, we played dodgeball. Its funny because the girl who I watched played last year was also in today's event.  I still kept my eyes on her. But there is so much element and factors that make this year feel extra different.

First, I wasn't alone anymore. I was with my group of friends. We sat together, talked to our younger peers, and we cheered on the game together as group. Secondly, I participated this time. I went to the event and I played. I was no longer the spectors but a contributing member. This time, all eyes were on me. I didn't contribute much, but I was there for the spirit cheer and the team buidling moments, and I did play a couple of rounds where I lost. But, it was still fun.

And you know, I don't want to point fingers too much or say something I have no proof, but it would be nice if the girl that I once watched, is now watching me. My team went against her team, and my team took the win. We then went on to fight for 3rd place. I was in there for a few moments and it was damn right fun. It was nice to knows that there were eyes on me. My friends were watching, my peers were viewing, and for once,  I was not just a spectator, but something more.

How much has things changed. Who knew, I grew. Who knew, I came out to my peers. Who knew, I became a stronger and more confident person. Who knew, I had to guts to after girls. I'm still not there yet, but one day, I will be the one asking.  How much has changed in a year.

Ps: I went to vietnam