Healthy Living: In my Head

I hope life is not messing with me. I hope love is not playing with me.

Healthy Living: Support

I think today was something I can really feel what it's like to have support & love. Truly.

I think I made a post yesterday handling this alone and having someone to share my pain and troubles, and my inability to confide in anyone about my worries or fear... WELL CROSS THAT ONE OUT!

Because today was truely something miraclous.

Because, I did get support and a lot of it. I talked to people who really care about me, and I feel less alone in many ways. I think this path is so rough so far with so many indecision and unsurity, but in it, I have love. and I am loved.


I know its strange, but when I woke up this morning, only having about 3 hours of sleep, and having to hit up a volunteer position, and then meet up with a kind friend. I think I would never be able to get through it because it just so much for a sick person. But things turns out so great.. Really.

First, I took on a volunteer shift with a friend who is going in a similar path with me. She had pains and hardship but I guess its nice to not being here alone. Or at least, the cool thing was that... what I advice I wrote last night, I gave it to her. And I dont' think she really listened to me or took it too serolsy, but in a way, I feel like... its going to be okay. Its really is going to be okay.

And then, I went to visit a kind friend who helped me sort through my application. She said maybe I wrote something wrong on my secondary. Maybe that's why they are like.. not sending me any interviews. But then again, we talked about my future plans and she said its still a bit too early to really decide. So, let's just hold it out until March before coming to any decision of the next step. I felt really reassured when she told me that. I truely do. I trust her opinion and advice. Her husband and she had a really nice cozy, humble home. I really like it there. Its almost like walking into a wonderland, its really laidback and fun. I truely think it is a cozy home. Their dog, Maggy, its so addorable little girl. I just want to continue petting it.

But I talked to her about some interview tips and how to address "tell me about yourself" question. Which I often find tripping over.. I dont' know, but being there with her, I think I almost shed a tear. I really felt she understand and connected with me, with all my fear, my insecurity, and really say.. "its okay, let's work this thing out." I just feel a lot less lost. I trust her expertise. I admire her kindness. I am very fortunate to have someone who really look out for me on this front. I am thankful.

And then, when I got home, I was moping about my lack of chances and probably my stupid idea of actually being honest on my secondaries. I got so sad, I think I felt so stupid for being too honest about myself. And maybe just scare all the school off. It's really a sad ordeal. My mom started to cheer me up with which kind of food I wanted to eat. It didnt' work. I was planning to hold it all in by myself. But I really coulnd't handle it. I can't do it alone. I simply cannot be the bigger man, holding all the secret to myself and take on the world alone. Nope. I cannot. I needed to share my worries and my fear with people, those who are close to me. They are important to me.

For 1. it lets the steam off. 2. I'm not handling it alone, they can provide support and company in their advice and their acknowledgement of my problems, 3. they can remind me that I'm not as too analystical or overthinking as I think I am. 4. They put me back into reality.

I think that what I gathered in the last 2-3 weeks of my life right now. 

1. I cannot handle the world alone. If hardship comes my way, I cannot keep or bear secret from others that is weighting me down. It's just going to keep me more sad & sinking my ship. 
2. It's necessary and important that I talk to my family and love ones about my issue. I can't handle it alone and I shouldn't. Family and support are there for a reason. Having a good communication with them. I should open things up and let them come into my life. People are important to me. My family, my love one are important to me. THey help me through hard times. 
3. My faith is important to me. I was never the big zealous believer. but honestly, when push come to shove, and I think I see the lights. You never really know how much trust & faith you have in religion until that day came when you just have no more way to look except have faith that its going to be okay. Religion and faith is the important. 

Healthy Living: Just me tonight

Have you ever reached that part of your life where you are just unsure? Not as unsure of where you want to go or what you want to be, but you are unsure how the future will turn out.

Like, you have an idea of what you think will turn out, but really, everything is so up in the air and you are not sure of what is to come. I feel like in a way, I'm in that boat.

I don't know what this new year will bring. I am scared. I am unsure of what my future will take. I want to confide in someone's my thoughts and feeling, but right now I feel like there isn't someone who I can really share my feeling.

One of my closet friends is away, and our friendship is unsure. Another is going through the same stage as me, but I feel like I'll stress her out even more. My parents love me, and I do talk to them, but in some way, I don't want to worry them, they are trying so hard to support me. And then, I think of my other friends I have recently met, they are good people. Its just I'm probably bothering them. I don't think I can really bring my thoughts and feeling into speech.

I feel ... like I don't have the answers for the questions that thrown at me. I feel like I have to have the world figured out and what I am okay with, and if I am even lucky enough to get it. This is all a confusing time in itself for me.

I am glad I have this blog to write about my uncertainy. Its a strange a uncertainty really. Its not like I don't have a clue of what I want, but it's like.. well,. am I gonna get the things I been after? It's confusing. I can't seem to share my thoughts all in it.

...

Maybe I'm spoil and I really don't think I deserved it. Maybe it's the right path for me. I feel like I have been through this all before in 2012. Like I wanted to know what my sexuality is.. but I don't and it kills me everyday to find the answer. And, i'm all so wrapped up in it.

I guess, one advice I can give back to my old self is ... just wait it out. Your path at that moment hasn't force you to choose yet. So, you can put your decision to rest. Just keep trecking the trails. As you go further, you'll meet people and interact with others who will help you find the answer. If you don't know and unsure, don't beat yourself up at that time to try to find the answer. The answer is unaswnerable because it is not time yet to see that answer. There will be a time in your future when you will know, and the answer will come to you. Trust me, it will come.

So, don't beat yourself up to search for something that isn't for you to figure out until later or so. So, do your best at the time. Focus what is in your path right there and then. You'll see. People will come. They will play important roles in your life that help you see your ways and what you are looking for. So, don't worry about the answer right now. Just keep going. Just keep pushing. Keep going no matter where your path takes you. Have faith that each foot steps you take is guided by someone above looking over you. You might not know it, but you are not alone in this process. Keep going, you are getting there.

Healthy Living: Goodness.

Fight for me. Fight me for!!! If there is any courage, self-estemed, hope,  confident, anything anything left. FIGHT FOR ME!!

I pray for the strength to continue this journey, the courage to step into the unknown, and a calm and clear head to think through my troubles at hand. 

Healthy Living: Being Elusive

Being Elusive.

I know I haven't been very clear on my blog lately on what I am up to. I think one of the reason is that I'm going through a sensitive time in my life and the stories I tell contains a lot of my personal viewpoints and the thoughts that goes into my mind. Thus, I tried to focus on how I feel rather than the actual facts during these late night discussion. I know it sounds weird and you'll question the legitacy of my first person perspective, but rest assure, I'm pretty object in my observation with little self bias.

So listen to me my friend. I decided to departed from my groups of friends again for many of reasons. Things was getting messy in my group of friends. Some people like you and some don't. So, I tried to take a step back in these issue and really just chill and let the steam cool. I do hope it will cool.

In addition, I'm trying my best to prepare for my speech and lines for my upcoing oral talk with profession. I hope I will be good enough.

Healthy Living: Have Courage and Be Kind

Let's go.

So, I been having hard issue facing me lately. I think I was in for something I wasn't expecting. There is a lot on my mind today. I think I have an issue with some of my friendship right now. Its so strange. I hang in a group of buddies who share similar interest and humor. But things haven't been so stable lately. It been on my minds a lot and bothers me more than I thoughts. But I think I will soon take a part leave again. I feel like I needed to get myself together.

I am traveling soon! I am excited to visit a few places that I never I had the opportunity to visit. So, lets hope everything go well.

I am currently trying to lose a couple more pounds to fit in my suit. I hope and pray that everything is going to be okay. I think writing here really give me a clear perspective on my life and what is important to me. Or at least I have a place to share a thoughts of my mind.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I pray to have the strength to continue this fight. The courage to step in the unknown. A calm and clear head to thinks through the task at hand. I pray for guidance.

Thank you 2015

Thank you 2015.

I did a bit of thinking today. And I thought about 2015. This reflection help me to come into perspective about the year and what we have gone through.

It first dawn on me when I was sitting outside of my car at the a Chipotle store. And then I thought about it, I thought about what I have went through this year and what the challenges came. Part of me wanted to cry, because the first thought that came to my mind was the 2015 was hard. It was so hard. I went through so much emotions and hardship. In a way, I thought is it okay not to like a year? To appreciate it but not like it because it was so hard and stressful?

And then, I think about the things that came about this year. It was a very important year for me. I think its almost like a draw-bridge. It was a step that was difficult to walk, it was a stage where it was rigorous, scary, crazy. Bit by bit. Each step was daunting and the failure, the set-back, the disappointment, all of it. It was met with so much tears, doubts, and fear. But this was all essential.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you 2015 for all the things it has given me. When I met with hardship in Arizona in Early Winter, to the rigors month of the 2015 MCAT of the spring, to the reflective application cycle of Fall, to the calm and cold in winter. Thank you 2015.

You have left me off in a place better than where you found me in 2015. You were a hard year, but an essential year. You trained me. You pushed me. You brought out strength in me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.