Healthy Living: The Coming out

Today, I did the first and most important step. Actually, it was not the first, but it was definitely and important step. I was honest.

Things are not what I have planned. Today. I came out to my small group. It was so anti-climatic. I did not cry. I didn't share a sob story. I just basically, state the fact, apologized for not saying it sooner, and told them that it has been hard, and wrapped it up short and sweet. I don't think my friends understand the magnitude of impact it had on me. But in a way, I'm glad they didn't. Because it was significant. This is my FIRST time I ever came out to a group of individuals. Before, it was simply a one-on-one conversation. They didn't asked too much information and glad that I wasn't announcing a terminal illness.

I hope they don't treat me differently than before. But in all regards, it is important and necessary. This is definitely not over. This will probably will be the first and of many coming out process I have to do to my future peers and buddies. I don't know if I can handle this challenge. But, that is not today worry. Today, I made a small victory. Well, I will be sure to feel the impact of my coming out process in the next couple of weeks.

But you know, it feels a lot lighter. It does. I am not under the burden or the weight anymore. I am not ashamed. I don't know if the coming out process was hard, or the event leading to it that was more difficult. I think the internalized leading to it was more dramatic and rigorous than the actual coming out process. I hope that if people do talk, it would be like saying "oh, she bi" and that its. Because, really, that is it. That is all of it.

I think I beat myself too much and too hard. I do not know the repercussion of my action. But I'm glad I did it.

Healthy Living: A word from a friend

Today, I did 2 major things.

First, I came out to my cousin. And then, I drove to see Hana. I told her the story about her my crush.

Hana said 2 things.

1. My crush is not stable. The girl needs to find her way. She still needs to go grow up. She has a lot of suffering ahead of her. But its the only way she will be able to grow and accept herself. I can't do anything for her. And like all quotes "No one can save us except ourselves, no one must, and no one may. We must walk that path". Hana said that the connection was toxic. The girl I like is suffering and is unstable. She not simply in a depression, but rather at a very unstable part of her life. She hasn't truly figure herself out yet and by repressing who she is, she is only going to bring her great pain, and those who love her great pain. People who suffers sometime go through so much pain that their action sometime can cause pain to those around them. And they unintentionally hurt people who loved them. And so, I must step away.

2. The second thing Hana said is that the girl do like me. That girl in some way, do have feelings for me. My presence do affect her. But she has a lot of soul searching to do. And, I cannot touch her. I cannot and I may not.

I was dishearten when hearing that. I spent so many years alone and now I found someone that I really like, and it cannot be. It makes me sad. But Hana said something very wise. Hana has been through many toxic relationships and she sees that this isn't a good relationship for me. She told me that not every connection you make will be a healthy and good one. Sometime 2 people fall in love, but they are toxic for each other and can only bring each other harm. And eventhough it sound impossible, there will be a day when I will meet someone who connection with me will be just as strong, and it will be a positive growth.

She emphasized a point that I was too blind for me to see. Not every connection is meant to be. Eventhough the connection is strong and true and geniune, it could be just as toxic and deadly and harm both party. I wish to be believe that my connection with this girl was true. There was really something going between the two party. But, we're simply at different stage in our development. And not every connection is a healthy one.

Hana bring out another points that I  have learned long ago. Its is that I deserved better. I deserved someone on the same stage as me. Someone who had dealt with her inner demon, someone who had suffered, and came out of it a better person. Someone who I can grow with. Our development would be a thriving mutual relationship. Someone who I cherished, and would cherished me.

Healthy Living: Same love

Well, I went on my first date. It wasn't really much of a date then a friend get together. But in my book, I count it as my first date. First time to ask a girl out, First time to drive her to dinner, first time getting dessert and sitting in a comfortable chairs at night and talking. In a way, it was almost perfect. It was better than what I could have hoped for. I was so nervous that I prayed before going on the date.

And if I left it as that, you would think it went well. You would think I probably get a 2nd date, and get to continue to see this girl. But that not how the story played out. You see, just 2 days prior to my first date, I went hiking with her and a group of our friends. I found out that she was going through a breakup. She was seeing someone for a couple of months now and was relatively happy in the relationship. They broke up for some reason I did not asked.

So, she was going through a recovery period. She was pretty much very happy in her relationship with her ex boyfriend. I was very sad after hearing such news. Part of me wanted to break off the tuesday night dinner. But I didn't, I felt I should just stick with it and just confessed to her and get over it. And when Tuesday come, I made a promised to myself that I would be honest to her and confessed and move on with my life.

So, Tuesday came, and so there I went. We went to dinner, and I had pho because my throat was hurting bad. I asked her about her childhood, and where and how she grew up. A bit of her bibliography. She was hesistant at first but told me about her life and all the way up to college where the story cut off. Then, it was my turn to tell the story. And somehow, I told her the story of my first boyfriend and the girl who shifted my world. I told her about my past depression and the dark time in my life that I contemplated suicide because I was to afraid to deal with my own sexuality.

We had a honest conversation. And afterward, we went to get icecream for dessert. I wanted to confessed to her my feelings, and then tell her I'm going to move on. But it wasn't the time. She has her own struggles, and I really don't want to burden her by tell her something that is competely irrelevant. So, I shut up and drove her home.

And ladies and gentleman, that is how my first date ended. The first and the last. In some ways, it might look like a disappointment. I didn't get the girl. There's no 2nd date. The end result of the date was that I need to quietly walk away from her. But in every misery, I guess there is a blessing. I am fortunate she shared a part of her life with me. I know she was very fragile and to be honest to another human being is a very hard and brave thing for her to do. So, with all due respect, I thank her for her truth and honesty to me. And with that, I have to move forward with my life because there could not be anything between her and me.

And so, I choose to see this as a stepping stone. My first time asking a girl out. My first time going on a date with a girl. Eventhough she doesn't have feeling for me, I sure do for her. And it will be hard to forget her, but surely and slowly, with time and space, I will move forward.