Healthy Living: Old love that one outgrows

 

"What a fucking privilege it is to sit here and outgrow things that you used to settle for"

So.. this past Saturday. I was sitting at a community play with a brunch of my friends, or let's say my friend's friend. I was just scrolling on my phone on facebook.. and sudden she came up. 

This is one of my old crush I had in medical school. I am sure you all heard about her. I wrote chapters about her on here. And to cap it all, I ran more than 600s miles that year to get over her. She was.. definitely a chapter in my life. 

I was young and naive. I fell for a young student doctor. She was cute then. Hahaha.. seeing her facebook profile on my recommendation page took me back a little bit. But wow.. From her profile, it seemed like she has resettle to Hawaii. She look older than the young girl that I used to love. And to be honest, at this time, I don't think it is really love. It appears like an emotion of a young girl that is still growing and still developing. 

She mark the chapter of my life when I fell in love with someone who couldn't accept herself. That is rough. With medical school and internal personal struggle, those aren't easy stuff. Oh, how I suffered crushing over her. Loving her or in the pursuit of her, I learned the lesson that some things weren't meant for me. The universe look at her and said "no". And no matter how hard I tried to come back to her, each time and time again, I just kept being pushed away from her. Until finally, when she moved to Portland for residency. I truly could finally let go.

I still remember the days leading up to my move to my new residency. I remember stretching my legs after one of my run and I can feel my heart break on how much I missed her.

I wonder if she is happy now. If she have finally came to a place of self acceptance. I hope she find a good partner that she loved and care for her in the next chapter of her life. From her pictures, it appears she struggled greatly. I hope her job provide her with enough financial independence to give her the freedom to travel and explore things. Part of me still care about her and hope she is well. 

After these thoughts, I quickly removed her profile from my facebook friend recommendation. I have outgrown the things that I used to settle for. Getting over her changed me. I found running. I started my photoshoot. I went online and dated girls. I came out to my parents, my cousins,  and my friends. Oh! and I lost weight! 

I can thank her for being a keystone in my life to help me one step closer to became who I wanted for myself. 

Healthy Living: Turning of the wheel

 

I wonder who idea it is as the story progressed this way. 

"Unbeknownst to us all, things are unfolding exactly has it should"

I would have say, I would have never imaged myself living in my friend house in my early 30s. I am coming close to the end of my training and bridging to my career. Its feels odd to be writing this because not long ago I was in love. That love fell apart and left my heart broken for many months. I use that time diligently to focus on my studies and prepare for my exam. After taking my exam, I was left with the feeling of what happen next. 

Its been 6 months since the start of my board preparation and the break up of my relationship. I love the girl dearly and still now, even a part of me yearns for her. I see her everywhere. I see her in the movies, the groceries stores where I frequent, and hoping and wondering if I would bump into her. But I think that is just part of me trying to hold onto what is familiar, what I am used to. 

Growing up and branching out is not easy, not when the familiarity and comforting patterns and old habits seem so much easily to fall back on. I say this is because I am single in a new city that I barely explore. I made a few new friends here and there, but still feels like a new person in a new city. 

Today is another day that brings me with a lot introspect. I am going on a date today. With a girl. I wonder if I am truly ready for this. Is my heart fully ready to accept and feel something again for someone? In some ways, I think it has. I do find myself thinking about this girl slowly day by day. Good vibes comes to me when I think of her. She surely is something a bit of odd, but still good vibes. I don't know how we will be. I don't think she is someone I would rushing into with emotions again. I think after my last breakup, sometime, I wonder when my heart will work again. 

I am scare going on this date. I am not sure if I am fully ready for her. I think if there were something to start, it would start slow. I am already taking my time to slowly get to know her day by day. Trying my best not to impede on the girl, but still be somewhat revelant to her life. I wonder what she really thinks about me. I low key liked her to see other people too so that way it gives her breathe of perspective of her suiters. For I, am only one of those suitor. I have not yet desire her to be all of mine; and I think at this time, with the emotional state that I am still residing, asking anyone to be fully mine would be selfish. 

My last love did not last. I still see the ghost of my ex. I still ponder about my emotional and mental health. My career path has not yet all that stablized. But, I am still turning this wheel of life. The story must go on. I know that I can still meet others and date others when I am not yet fully commit to them just yet. It takes time for my feeling and emotions to heal. But healing and letting are all in the same process. Turning the wheel and pressing forward with myself, introduction to new characters and plot line are some way signal of a new chapter and episodes. 

I never knew my break up would have launched me to a new chapter that I did not expect or in some way, fully prepare for. But as much as it takes away, life has also add. I became closer to my friends. I feel less lonely on the weekends with their company. I made new friends and gain new perspective. And in some way, I feel like, I myself have changed. The breakup has really changed me. I feel like I am more reserved. I guess, when you got your heart broken once, you might want to be a little bit more caution to avoid getting it broken again. And then I wonder, do I have a wall now too? hahaha 

But that all being aside, I feel good vibe over this girl. Really, she seems a little bit stronger in term of her wants and needs. Will we strike a balance or one is more over power than others. I just feel like, the wheels are turning, and life is moving forward, as it should. 

Corner Wall - Photoshoot Basic 101

Photoshoot is a way to reinvent oneself. 

"I think you have always been hovering around the aspect of girly girl. But you always ended up buy or resorting to the same sense of style you been wearing. Its either you have to let go of this safe, familiar, style of outfit that you identify. And wear something that you normally would not associated with. And at first, it will not be that pretty, but you'll work with the make up and the hair to create a new look for yourself." 

"You just have to let go of the style that is safe and comfortable, of what you would wear, and let go.."

To explore aspect of our personality, things we dreamt and imaged.

To create an alternative identity to ourself. 

 

Feminity isn't all about beauty. It is a way of expression. 

Healthy Living: Progress

 "Love may build bridges, but grief apparently takes down walls." - youtube

Vanity Affairs: April's road

 

I feel like a mess. 

It's been a month since the break up. I still feel like a mess. I think my therapist hates me. But then again, I don't think I am making her job easy given how much things I'm going through right now. 

I feel burn out. There are y when I feel like I can't do it anymore. The day that I do work, there so much to do. The day that I do read, there so much study to be read. And on the days that I need to study, there is still so much to study. I feel like ahhh.. I just have so much going on. On top of that, I have this broken heart. This sense of helplessness within my self. The question of am I worth loving? Am I broken? Am I capable of keeping a loving and warm relationship? AM I TOO MUCH?

And then, I remember when Minh thanh told me when she was board prepping, "I think anyone in this stage feels like this." I thought that was very enlightening. To understand one's hardship and to give one credits to feel the way one feels. I felt almost validated in some when I remember her quote. 

It is reasonale to feel stress and burn out because I am simply working 2 jobs. I am working 3-4 full days. Afterward, I am grinding hard for the lat 2-3 days. If I'm lucky, I will have an hour gym time and may 30 minutes of PG deconstruction class. Really, I think anyone in my position would feel like this. And to top it off, I'm feel lonely since she was gone. Her leaving me really shattered my confidence. I really love her and to face this rejection was so much to bear. 

I remember standing at her front door knocking on the day of the break up. I though to myself, well, if this it, then it is what it is. It is usually my gut feeling telling me that I lost. Its like all my rejections in my life. I know when I did well and I know when I flopped. 

On another note, my good friend help lit a candle within me. I got work to do. I have PG deconstruction. I have outfits to wear. Fashion idea I still need to search. Skin care to learn. There are still things to do even after she is gone. If anything, there is so much more things to do now that she left. 

I am reinventing myself again. 

Vanity Affairs: So plant your own gardens

 There was a poem I read from yasmin's blog many years ago. I loved it when I read it. I still remember it to this day. I wonder if the person who had cause her such pain and sadness. And with new dawn, she came to the realization and move forward. 

I am truly sorry I broke her heart. It was a lie I could no longer lived. I will repay her in my next life. 

This last quotes was what I remember of hers. 

Vanity Affairs: Self improvement - PG Deconstruction

 

I want to improve on myself. When I look into the mirror, it is hard to imaged what I need to change. Maybe I have seen myself so many time that I feel normal to look this way. But then again, I want to improve on myself. I feel comfortable being me. I have came a long way in term of looks.. I lost weight. I dyed my hair. I am trying to figure outfits. But still.. something still feel like I'm lacking. 

I want to superficial pretty. Let's forget inner beauty for the next few months. Let's get vain. 

Things that I think I can be better.. IF I CANNOT DATE A PRETTY, I'M GOING TO BE THAT PRETTY GIRL! 

If you can't beat them, let's join them. So.. how to be a pretty girl. This is some topic off the top of my head:

1. Skin care
2. Make-up (and KNOW how to apply them.. )
3. The Hair
4. The slim body
5. Outfits

That's it. I think.. 

But now, the only way to improve is (1) Get result (2) Get.a.brutally.honest.audience. 

I need to figure out how to make this possible. Now, I need to make a notion page to set up these corner stone. 

Vanity Affairs: The new start

 

After my recent breakup, I felt so lost. It made me have a lot of insecurity. I felt maybe she broke up with me because I wasn't pretty enough or she got tired of me. I wasn't sure, but I feel very insecure about my looks and my womanly physic. 

It doesn't really matter now what has happen. It matter that this is my new reality. People told me I should focus on myself and learn to love myself. Give it time, focus on self improvement, and live life. 

So, this is my attempts to improve myself. I am tired of thinking about my breakup. I am tired of spiraling every single time I have a though of her. The dear girl is gone, but my brain and my heart can't seem to leave me alone. 

Everything reminds me of her. It suck so bad. 

But okay, the real reason for this post to is to start something new. I want to put the past behind me. I want to make my little girl happy. I always wanted to be an attractive and pretty girl. I been nerd for so long in my life that I sometime find it hard to figure out to how to an attractive pretty girl. 

So okay, I been wanting to work on this project for the longest time. 

I want to learn the art of being beautiful. I don't mean inner beauty. I want vanity. I want to look so good that when I walk in the room, people notice me. I want to play on my feminem features. I want that typical instagram beauty. I want to look like an attractive girl and exude the confidence. I am not doing this for any other girl. I want to do this for myself so that I will never forget myself in my next relationship.

I would like to call this next chapter: The Vanity Affairs. 

Healthy Living: This too shall pass

 Last night when I was rearranging my bedroom. It was something I wanted to do to bring new changes to my life. 

I realized that ..

-The girl I love has left my life. 

-I am alone in this new city. 

-I have a board exam coming up in 6 months

Healthy Living: Picking back up the pieces

 

As you read from the previous post regarding the details of our conversation, it is clear that the post was a word vomit of everything that happen. No analysis, no perspective, but just straight recall of the events. 

I really don't know if I can analyze it tonight. There is just so much to unpack in our relationship. What was going with our fights? When was the fight? Why did we break up? Why didn't we stick it out and try again with new changes? Why? 

In the past 3-4 days since the break up, I have really close myself up to exploring the events of the breakup or spent too much time thinking about the reason for the break up in our relationship. It took everything I have just to bear with the pain. I still had to go to work. I still have to feed myself. I still have to live. And just bearing the thoughts that we were over and that the relationship was over is all I could handle. I simply just wanted to let thing be. And just, feel the emotions. I was not ready to unpack. 

I am barely able to tell close friends and family about the break up. The break up and the ending of the relationship still haunts me. I can't believe she is really gone. Someone I call and text almost every day suddenly just disapeared from my life. It was as if nothing we did togeth really matter. Its just a cold silent blank emptiness of space and silent. The void she left behind in my life.

She was one of the biggest reason why I moved to SF. To be with her. And there I am, not more than 6 months into the city, we broke up. She left. Now, the only thing keeping me here is my job. 

It's so shocking how easily someone can leave and walk out your life. Someone so important, and yet, they are gone. Completely disappeared. 

.. I missed her. What I would give to be back with her. To text her. To see her on the weekend. To know I have a girlfriend that I am so proud to show off to the world. Someone I can share my thoughts and my fears, my hope and my dreams. The funny moments we spend together. 

..and she is gone. Like that, she left. 

.. Grief has been a constant company in me since she left. Grief was there on the first day after the break up, Sunday. Then Monday came. And Tuesday happen. I lost sleep. I felt like I lost my mind. I tried to keep it together at work but the pain still seep in. 

I'm tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Another day after the breakup. 

I have decided that after my job, I will go buy hiking shoes. I am going to a meet up this Sunday to hike a group of people. Hopefully this goes okay. 

Healthy Living: End of a relationship

 

My heart is broken. MM and I broke up last weekend on Saturday. I haven't been able to tell this story to anyone yet because it was too much to process. 

On Friday, she already expressed signed that she did not want to continue seeing me. We ended Friday and I couldn't sleep. I thought about ways to make it up to her and how I can changed. But really, I was scared. I came to visit her in person on Sunday and thought we were just going to hug and hang out for a moment. But who knew she already made the decision. We went for a walk and I gave her back Noodle so she can hold onto him with a letter from me and my promise to change and improve our relationship.

But as we walked, it was cold so we went into my car back seat. I hugged her and asked to kiss her but she pull me back and said she has made up her mind. She wanted to break up. This is it for us. We talked, and a lot of thoughts and words were said. Its is still a big blurred for me. I haven't been able to recall it much because part of me want to block it out to avoid the pain. 

So, let's start. Let's dive in on what really happen in the break up. 

#1) First, I told her I did not want to break up. She insist that she cannot do it anymore. She told me she is at her end and emotionally exhausted. She is broken and something has permanently changed for her. It was Monday when we fought when she decided to end this. She cried that day and she didn't say one thing to me about it. She hid her decision this whole week like nothing was wrong. 

#2) Second, I begged here again. I hugged her. I begged her. She said she doesn't see a future of us working out. It has disappeared from her mind of our future together. She said that she is emotionally exhausted to keep trying and she can only see our relationship getting worse. If we keep going, we are going to fight more and eventually I will be exhausted and want to give up as well. So, we should just break up while we are ahead. 

#3) Third, she think the future is better for us if we seperated. We would be better off dating other people because our emotional needs are different. I need someone of a higher level that she cannot provide. She is exhausted trying to live up to my standard. In reality, I was bending backward trying to please her. She couldn't keep up with me in term of the emotional needs. She need her space to figure her life out and her health out. She has tried to incorporate our relationship in her life but it has burned her out. She has cry and gone through so much emotional roller coaster in the past 2 months then she had in the 5 years she was in the states. 

--All of this, you can see, I was not aware. She went through these emotion in silent. I was blind to it. All I heard was silent from her. Nothing more. She suffers in silent without letting me know how she feels. 

#4) She looked at me as I was on my knee look up at her, begging for another chance and I want to change things drastically and I have already came up a plan with my therapist. She brush back my hair and look at me and said "It's over."

-- That was when I finally knew that there we were not going back. The time that we share together or hold each other. Its all over. 

#5) She told me, she is BROKEN. And I said, then you need to HEAL. 

#6) She told me that there were 3 instance that she remebered when she was so tried she can't text me. But if she didn't text back she would feel like a HORRIBLE person. She cried so hard when she said that. I HUG her so tight then. And then I cried, and I said no. No you are not. I am a horrible partner to you. You sufferes in slight and all this time I was blind to it all. I was a horrible partner to her. She suffers in silent and I gave her a hard time because all I got from her was silent through those events. 

--Clearly, our communication isn't there. At least, its not being heard. She has always told that she doesn't like communicating things to peple when they hurt her and rather take it in silent. She doesn't speak up for herself how she was hurt. So, the person who is perpetrator doesn't know. And they didn't think that is something wrong. 

#7) She doesn't like to bring up bad news. She is a very independent person and doesn't like to be help even when she is drowning. 

#8) I asked her if I can changed and make things better and be a better lover. She said she think I can improve and do very well in the coming months. I will be much happier. But she didn't even mention anything about herself being in the picture with me. 

And finally, she asked. Do you respect me enough to trust my decision? 

I gave it a moment of silent. I placed my hands on her. I thought about the future that she mentioned, the one were we would fight again and break up in several months when I'm depleted myself. I held her hand and said, yes, I respected your decision. 

Everything after that was just 2 people crying and coming to term that it is finally over. She cried a lot and I wipped away her tears. We hug and we cried. I held her hand and told her what my thoughts are after the breakup. I hope that she would take March to rest and start dating again in April. This would give her a good 2 years to find a new partner and get married. I know she is an independent person, but it is much easier to stay in the states if you married someone. She should have enough time to find someone in 2 years to married if she start in April. As for me, I will focus on my board preparing and will not date for awhile. After my boards, I will decide whether to stay in SF or return home to Southern California. 

Afterward, we parted ways. My final remarks angry her, but I really meant it in a good intention. I told her to start dating in April and if possible late March. I told her not to cry. She rush up toward me and shake me. She said somehting I forgot. Then, she said, that I don't understand her at all. She want the best for me but do something that she think it will be best for me. She said this decision would result in a better out come for both of us. It may hurts for several weeks but we will both have a better ending. She did it for herself and for me. 

 We both agree to not return each other stuff because it would be too hard. We would separate decide the ending for our stuff. I hope she would hold onto the necklace. We were both going to delete each other numbers. I am glad our road has crossed. And if our road cross, then we would meet again someday. 

-And then, we parted.

PracticeGrace: #1

 

I started therapy today and I liked to start journaling again. I would like to reflect.

#1 - 2/7/25: Things that I am thankful for today. 

1. I am thankful for Katie - honestly, she has a lot more things to worried about. But she called me to warned me about politics. My sweat roommate really has a good heart.

2. I am thankful for Olivier - He called. We were gonna watch a movie together. But instead, we caught up. My friendship made Chicago is still going strong. 

3. I am thankful for my job. It put food on the table, a roof on my head, insurance for me to seek care, and a routine. I am thankful for my patience. I hope in some way, I have made a positive impact in their lives. 

Healthy Living: Things that changed

 

I am reflecting tonight. Tomorrow is the first day of therapy. I decided to get myself a therapist to help me sort through things in life. Some how, tonight really takes me back to a time before medical school. A time when medicine is just a dream. The thought and yearning of becoming a physician. It is a much more innocent time. It was college. 

Things has really changed. It was hm... the year 2010-2014. What a time to be in college. I remember starting UCI and driving far way from school. New friends. New faces. New people. It was the time when I was trying to figure my life out. I was headed toward medicine given my clubs. I remember Daphne.. She was my college crush. She was smart and pretty. It was the first time I had a girl crush. She truly was my official girl crush. She had a high school boyfriend. All I could do was admire her from afar. I wonder how she is doing now. The last time I heard of her, I believed she is now a psychiatrist. Hoping she is doing amazing things and helping people feel better. 

And then there is lynh. She was probably the first girl I realized liked me. I could sense she liked me. But then again, she had a boyfriend. It made me super confused. It put me through hell for a good year, when I was questioning my sexuality. Oh, it was no fun. It was so rough but I was glad I had my friend linh to help me nagivate through things. Linh was the first friend I ever came out too. She accepted me and taught me it is okay to be me. Well, I like to share good news that both lynh and Linh are happily married. They eventually me the man of their dream. Linh has 2 beautiful children. And lynh just got started. But I am so happy for them both. Knowing they both had a happy ending bring warmth to my heart. 

Well, that is all my college crush. Oh, med school and residency was another journey of its own. I am sure you have heard all about the people I met. 

But, one more person. If I were to met in college, I would have fallen in love with her no doubt. That is Jennifer. I didn't met her until residency through a dating app. She was only looking friends and a friend I was to her indeed. Nothing more, promised. But wow, she was my dream girl. Someone you put on a poster and hang it up. She was smart, pretty, and she likes girl. She is a real pal. And.. yes, you guess it! She has a girlfriend when I met her. But I'm glad and would not have it any other way. She was the shinging star I needed her to be for me during my dating journey. There were some pretty dark nights when I felt so alone. Knowing someone like her exit really help me keep going. If Jennifer exist, then there surely is someone out there for me. 

And finally, on an unbeknownst day in windy city of Chicago, she showed up.