Wk1: The things that Floats

The conclusion week 1 has finally come. Overall, it has been a pretty good week. Before we go into the reflection lane, I just want to say a few things that I wanted to get done this week.

First and foremost, this is board prep season. 6 months from now, I need to do big kids stuff and take a big exam. This week, I was testing out the water. First, I wanted to get a schedule going and so I used cramfighter as a tracker. My goal this week was to see my actual board studying strategy actually work.

This involved a whole new sleeping schedule. No longer was I staying up till 2AM. I was in bed by 12AM. THis is because, I need to get up early around 7am to start preparing for the board study. I do Uworld questions, and my goodness is it crazy hard. But I rather go through the rift now, then have to cram those questions at the very end. My biggest fear has always been time. So, let do it now.  Let feel the freaken burn now.

The  morning is dedicated to boards, and the afternoon is resolved for all that is left -- my classes, and that is alot. I use the weekend to catch up on classwork and that was what I did this week. I was not easy at all, and I'm not sure if I have caught up with everything, given our exam is coming in less than a few days. But who know's, daytime is board time.

My only prayers is my schedule works, I keep up with my board gears, my classes get their dedicated study time, and I learn the current materials, and keep myself happy.

To ensure that everything floats, I add a few trick that I learn to this quarter:

(1) Daily meditation: This technique has really kept me sane because it puts everything into perceptive and keep me calm. It keep the bad thoughts and the emotions at bay. At least, I can be conscious of the present movement and take things as the come, and plan when I have time. It brings a little bit of peace back into my life.

(2) Exercise: The body acts in harmonious rhythm. I realized that if I was going to exercise my mind rigorously, I need to the same for my body. I have finally found a way to make exercise work. I squeeze exercise around 10PM at night, which gives me time to shower + go to bed on time. This is great because it is the last thing I do at night, I get to look at the stars, and then tuck myself into bed. It cost 2 hrs of my time. But if I use the early morning effectively, my brain is usually dead by 10PM anyway. Lol.

(3) Weekly blog: I realized that writing my blog every sunday gives me closure for each and every week. Last semester, things just seems long. Like things are continous and a never ending trails. But by writting about each week and to give it a proper ending has allow me to really have time to reflex on my week, and allow me to make proper changes to my upcoming week. It is a time to reflex on the past, and time to improve ourselves, and prepare for what is next.

(4) Be good to her: This goes back to my crush. I like her alot. I want to pursue her. I need to do so slowly and openly. I don't want it to be some shady little secret. I want this is be evident and clear. I am not sure if she is really ready for another relationship, but that is okay, I'm gonna go slow. Very very very slow. I am willing to be patient and wait. If life doesn't not approved then life will find separate path for us. But in the meantime, I will pursue her. I have no idea if this is going to work, but let's try.  For once, I'm not backing down  on something. I am not charging and rushing into it either. I want this one to last, and I'm willing to take my time, and hopefully, she opens up one day. If not, then you know, its is what it is. 

(5) Keep my friends to a minimum: That means, less talking about other people, but instead to indulge in what is good and what is kind. That is to avoid the gossip, listening to it, or participating into any of it. Rather, just let things be, keep quiet, and carry on with one business. Avoiding trouble people.

Now, for the reflecting. Haha, I'm listening to a vietnamese song today call "Please forget me". Its about a woman telling her lover to let go of the love that they had. Their love was fleeting and that it has no solid foundation, so it is better to let it die then continue something that has no roots, no substantial ability to grow. Its smoothing in some way. A bittysweet feeling. Like the La La Land movie that I watched.

And to think, a year ago, things are so different. This time last year, I was studying for my first DIT exam. It was a week long exam, and I was preparing for the materials. I felt confident in the things I have learned. It was the first time that I allow myself to indulge in the thoughts of her as a little guilty pleasure. Who knew in a course of a year it will grow into something like this and I had to go through all these troubles. But thisyear, I don't know, I didn't feel the urge to text her that much this past week.

Of course, I still think of her and she is on my mind from time to time. But the reason why I didn't reach out to her this weekend is because I just want to let her be. I don't know what is on her mind and what stage she is in, but I truly want to take it slow. If I want this to last, then what is the rush? I know she still has someone else in her heart, so what is the point of contacting her? My lesbians friends has told me to not get involved with her. Well, I am already involved. I can't run from her because I simply don't want to. And I know, she can't let go of the other girl in her heart not because she can't, its because she also doesn't want to. (I'm just portraying my own feelings and thoughts, and by no mean is it true)

But, this is the things we do to each other. We all are bound to something we can't have or and I'm just delusional tonight? Either way, if I was to give an advice to someone like myself, who is going through this, is... to give me time. Let me take things slow and  approach her slowly. If its not meant to be, things will reveal itself to me, or I'm FINALLY able to see the things for what it is, and pick up the clue. But the truth is, I simply have to live and accept things for what it is or what I see or what I believe is true. And keep moving forward. 

I truly believe that there is someone above helping me and protecting me. So, I am going to have a little faith and continue with me journey. I pray for guidance.

Wk18: Desperate

I pray, I pray, I pray. The next 6 months will be the most academic and emotional difficult times of my medical school education. I am scared because I have to deal with this girl who has great control over my emotions and the medical boards exam which will determine the course of my life.

I am scare. I don't know how I will be able to get through this. I am barely hanging on to my very last bit at the end of my respiratory exam. I don't want any trouble. I just want an undisrupted time to focus and study. I need myself back. I need to be fully geared and mentally focus and emotionally there. I honestly don't know how I will get through this. Right now, it looks impossible. Right now, it just look like the worse thing.

But I must remind myself, each and every next stage of my life will push me further away from my comfort zone. It is continuously push be closer and closer to the things I thought was unbearable or unimaginable. This is my struggle. This is my life. This hardship was meant for me. I need to own up to this. I am watched over and cared for. I will get through this. I know, I will. I pray for guidance.

Wk 4: Everything always seem to fall into place.

"Everything always seem to fall into place."

I started week 4 with a special 3rd year. She was one of the first ECM TA that really calmed my nerve during my first patient encounters. Here she was again, sitting in the one of my favorite coffee shop.

I wasn't expecting her, but she was an unexpected guest in my week. I asked her about boards and rotation. I let her know my concerns and in return, she told me about her board studying journey, and how she set into gears about doing question. The idea of boards is a looming questions and it scares me just thinking about it. We had about a 30 minute chat. She was studying for her didactic week. And at the end of the conversation, she left me with 3 things:

1. Start Doing question now. Start doing them early. Burn through them. + 2 round of UWorld
2. Get through all the resource you wanted to use at least once BEFORE January.
3. Don't worry about rotation. Everything always seem to all into place.

And with that, she walked out of my life, or at least, she walked out of my week. And honestly, it was a very reassuring thought to know that despite all the things I'm going through, things will work itself out, and I'll be okay.

"It was so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth was, it shouldn’t be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something’s difficult to come by, you’ll do that much more make sure it’s even harder, if not impossible, to lose.

Flashing forward, as I am now in week 5 of my 2nd year. I can't believe it has already been a month since I have been in school. I am around my friends again, and I have found new study methods that works for me. I'm happy that I have discovered it. I have a falling in and a falling out process with the girl I like.  My opinion of her change hourly and there is so many things I am so frustrated with her. Her existence give me a hard time. And I don't know why I deserved to carry so much feeling and emotion for someone who could careless about me. I feel like I am wasting my time just being in her life. Can we please skip this part right here? I don't know what I need to learn before I can overcome this obstacles, and its not that my life have not been difficult enough.

With all these thoughts and negative emotions that consumed me, I feel more and more hatred toward to that girl. Its not even normal. I feel like this is the universe doing because really, I don't think I voluntarily walk into this tragedy.

With so much angrish and distrubed emotions, I am sitting here wonder why. Why do I have to go through this? And I don't know why.. and I don't think I will ever know, and honestly, it doesn't matter why. This girl is here, and this emotion is here and they both sit here with me.

Remembering back to the kind words that the 3rd years have given me, I realized one very important thing.  "Everything always seem to fall into place". And maybe right now, I don't like the situation. I am not doom to my fate. I have trust. I have faith that I will see through this, and be a better and smarter student out of this. I do not wish to engaged into any conflict with anyone. I pray for a time to study and to perform. I pray for support, for love, for kindness. And most importantly of all, I pray for guidance.

And I know, seeing what life have given my parents and me, I know, Everything will fall into place.

Healthy Living: Confession of a Stress out Med Student

Start Somewhere.

Maybe that is should be the theme for my journey to board studying. So let's begin.

Hello everyone, welcome to my official guide of freaking out and solving life problem.

I have tons of resources, tons of advices from other people, and I haven't figure out what make me ticks or how make me study. So, lets begin from somewhere. Let's just start somewhere. Let this be the collection of attempt & failure for all the life diffulties and everything else in the ensomble.