Healthy Living: Old love that one outgrows

 

"What a fucking privilege it is to sit here and outgrow things that you used to settle for"

So.. this past Saturday. I was sitting at a community play with a brunch of my friends, or let's say my friend's friend. I was just scrolling on my phone on facebook.. and sudden she came up. 

This is one of my old crush I had in medical school. I am sure you all heard about her. I wrote chapters about her on here. And to cap it all, I ran more than 600s miles that year to get over her. She was.. definitely a chapter in my life. 

I was young and naive. I fell for a young student doctor. She was cute then. Hahaha.. seeing her facebook profile on my recommendation page took me back a little bit. But wow.. From her profile, it seemed like she has resettle to Hawaii. She look older than the young girl that I used to love. And to be honest, at this time, I don't think it is really love. It appears like an emotion of a young girl that is still growing and still developing. 

She mark the chapter of my life when I fell in love with someone who couldn't accept herself. That is rough. With medical school and internal personal struggle, those aren't easy stuff. Oh, how I suffered crushing over her. Loving her or in the pursuit of her, I learned the lesson that some things weren't meant for me. The universe look at her and said "no". And no matter how hard I tried to come back to her, each time and time again, I just kept being pushed away from her. Until finally, when she moved to Portland for residency. I truly could finally let go.

I still remember the days leading up to my move to my new residency. I remember stretching my legs after one of my run and I can feel my heart break on how much I missed her.

I wonder if she is happy now. If she have finally came to a place of self acceptance. I hope she find a good partner that she loved and care for her in the next chapter of her life. From her pictures, it appears she struggled greatly. I hope her job provide her with enough financial independence to give her the freedom to travel and explore things. Part of me still care about her and hope she is well. 

After these thoughts, I quickly removed her profile from my facebook friend recommendation. I have outgrown the things that I used to settle for. Getting over her changed me. I found running. I started my photoshoot. I went online and dated girls. I came out to my parents, my cousins,  and my friends. Oh! and I lost weight! 

I can thank her for being a keystone in my life to help me one step closer to became who I wanted for myself. 

Healthy Living: Turning of the wheel

 

I wonder who idea it is as the story progressed this way. 

"Unbeknownst to us all, things are unfolding exactly has it should"

I would have say, I would have never imaged myself living in my friend house in my early 30s. I am coming close to the end of my training and bridging to my career. Its feels odd to be writing this because not long ago I was in love. That love fell apart and left my heart broken for many months. I use that time diligently to focus on my studies and prepare for my exam. After taking my exam, I was left with the feeling of what happen next. 

Its been 6 months since the start of my board preparation and the break up of my relationship. I love the girl dearly and still now, even a part of me yearns for her. I see her everywhere. I see her in the movies, the groceries stores where I frequent, and hoping and wondering if I would bump into her. But I think that is just part of me trying to hold onto what is familiar, what I am used to. 

Growing up and branching out is not easy, not when the familiarity and comforting patterns and old habits seem so much easily to fall back on. I say this is because I am single in a new city that I barely explore. I made a few new friends here and there, but still feels like a new person in a new city. 

Today is another day that brings me with a lot introspect. I am going on a date today. With a girl. I wonder if I am truly ready for this. Is my heart fully ready to accept and feel something again for someone? In some ways, I think it has. I do find myself thinking about this girl slowly day by day. Good vibes comes to me when I think of her. She surely is something a bit of odd, but still good vibes. I don't know how we will be. I don't think she is someone I would rushing into with emotions again. I think after my last breakup, sometime, I wonder when my heart will work again. 

I am scare going on this date. I am not sure if I am fully ready for her. I think if there were something to start, it would start slow. I am already taking my time to slowly get to know her day by day. Trying my best not to impede on the girl, but still be somewhat revelant to her life. I wonder what she really thinks about me. I low key liked her to see other people too so that way it gives her breathe of perspective of her suiters. For I, am only one of those suitor. I have not yet desire her to be all of mine; and I think at this time, with the emotional state that I am still residing, asking anyone to be fully mine would be selfish. 

My last love did not last. I still see the ghost of my ex. I still ponder about my emotional and mental health. My career path has not yet all that stablized. But, I am still turning this wheel of life. The story must go on. I know that I can still meet others and date others when I am not yet fully commit to them just yet. It takes time for my feeling and emotions to heal. But healing and letting are all in the same process. Turning the wheel and pressing forward with myself, introduction to new characters and plot line are some way signal of a new chapter and episodes. 

I never knew my break up would have launched me to a new chapter that I did not expect or in some way, fully prepare for. But as much as it takes away, life has also add. I became closer to my friends. I feel less lonely on the weekends with their company. I made new friends and gain new perspective. And in some way, I feel like, I myself have changed. The breakup has really changed me. I feel like I am more reserved. I guess, when you got your heart broken once, you might want to be a little bit more caution to avoid getting it broken again. And then I wonder, do I have a wall now too? hahaha 

But that all being aside, I feel good vibe over this girl. Really, she seems a little bit stronger in term of her wants and needs. Will we strike a balance or one is more over power than others. I just feel like, the wheels are turning, and life is moving forward, as it should. 

Corner Wall - Photoshoot Basic 101

Photoshoot is a way to reinvent oneself. 

"I think you have always been hovering around the aspect of girly girl. But you always ended up buy or resorting to the same sense of style you been wearing. Its either you have to let go of this safe, familiar, style of outfit that you identify. And wear something that you normally would not associated with. And at first, it will not be that pretty, but you'll work with the make up and the hair to create a new look for yourself." 

"You just have to let go of the style that is safe and comfortable, of what you would wear, and let go.."

To explore aspect of our personality, things we dreamt and imaged.

To create an alternative identity to ourself. 

 

Feminity isn't all about beauty. It is a way of expression. 

Healthy Living: Progress

 "Love may build bridges, but grief apparently takes down walls." - youtube

Vanity Affairs: April's road

 

I feel like a mess. 

It's been a month since the break up. I still feel like a mess. I think my therapist hates me. But then again, I don't think I am making her job easy given how much things I'm going through right now. 

I feel burn out. There are y when I feel like I can't do it anymore. The day that I do work, there so much to do. The day that I do read, there so much study to be read. And on the days that I need to study, there is still so much to study. I feel like ahhh.. I just have so much going on. On top of that, I have this broken heart. This sense of helplessness within my self. The question of am I worth loving? Am I broken? Am I capable of keeping a loving and warm relationship? AM I TOO MUCH?

And then, I remember when Minh thanh told me when she was board prepping, "I think anyone in this stage feels like this." I thought that was very enlightening. To understand one's hardship and to give one credits to feel the way one feels. I felt almost validated in some when I remember her quote. 

It is reasonale to feel stress and burn out because I am simply working 2 jobs. I am working 3-4 full days. Afterward, I am grinding hard for the lat 2-3 days. If I'm lucky, I will have an hour gym time and may 30 minutes of PG deconstruction class. Really, I think anyone in my position would feel like this. And to top it off, I'm feel lonely since she was gone. Her leaving me really shattered my confidence. I really love her and to face this rejection was so much to bear. 

I remember standing at her front door knocking on the day of the break up. I though to myself, well, if this it, then it is what it is. It is usually my gut feeling telling me that I lost. Its like all my rejections in my life. I know when I did well and I know when I flopped. 

On another note, my good friend help lit a candle within me. I got work to do. I have PG deconstruction. I have outfits to wear. Fashion idea I still need to search. Skin care to learn. There are still things to do even after she is gone. If anything, there is so much more things to do now that she left. 

I am reinventing myself again. 

Vanity Affairs: So plant your own gardens

 There was a poem I read from yasmin's blog many years ago. I loved it when I read it. I still remember it to this day. I wonder if the person who had cause her such pain and sadness. And with new dawn, she came to the realization and move forward. 

I am truly sorry I broke her heart. It was a lie I could no longer lived. I will repay her in my next life. 

This last quotes was what I remember of hers. 

Vanity Affairs: Self improvement - PG Deconstruction

 

I want to improve on myself. When I look into the mirror, it is hard to imaged what I need to change. Maybe I have seen myself so many time that I feel normal to look this way. But then again, I want to improve on myself. I feel comfortable being me. I have came a long way in term of looks.. I lost weight. I dyed my hair. I am trying to figure outfits. But still.. something still feel like I'm lacking. 

I want to superficial pretty. Let's forget inner beauty for the next few months. Let's get vain. 

Things that I think I can be better.. IF I CANNOT DATE A PRETTY, I'M GOING TO BE THAT PRETTY GIRL! 

If you can't beat them, let's join them. So.. how to be a pretty girl. This is some topic off the top of my head:

1. Skin care
2. Make-up (and KNOW how to apply them.. )
3. The Hair
4. The slim body
5. Outfits

That's it. I think.. 

But now, the only way to improve is (1) Get result (2) Get.a.brutally.honest.audience. 

I need to figure out how to make this possible. Now, I need to make a notion page to set up these corner stone.