Heathly Living: The art of Planting a tree

So, a lot of people has given me great advice during this stressful time. And, I really appreciate all of it. :) It was very helpful.

Going through this process, I realized how weak I am. I mean, when my life get a bit turbulent, I start to break down, freak out, and lose hope. I would cry more often and stay weak. I am not as brave or as strong as I think I am. I am really quite weak emotionally and maybe physically. And going through this experience as really taught me this lession. I need to learn to be stronger.

However, this experience has also taught me of how lucky I am. I have great people who care about me. They give me wise advices and it really help me get through it day by day.

 This coming fall, 4-5 of my high school buddies will enter professional schools. Some will be dentist, pharmacist, and even optometrist. And I am very proud of them. I am very happy for them. But something in me feels really sad. I feel like I am almost left behind. My buddies who been with me for nearly 8 years of high school + college are now going to the next level and making their dream come true. But, I am here. Stuck. With no where to go. I almost feel like I am doing something wrong, or even if I have failed myself.

But this is untrue. Or this is a wrong way of thinking. My dad told me something really wised today.
My dad said to me that I should think of this journey as planting a seed. In the last 8 years, my friend are on the same path as me. But as we got to college, each of us are now choosing a different path of life, a different type of seed. Each seed germinate differently.

Some seed germinate faster than other. It doesn't mean that the slower seed are bad seed. It just mean that it's not time yet. An apple tree seed germinate differently than a sequoia.

 And in this analogy, my friends are choosing career that required a different path and require a different time span. Sure, it will be faster for them. But that doesn't make my seed any bad. I choose my seed, my path in life. And my seed is a bit slower in term of germinating, but when the time comes, it will grow.

Healthy Living: Barely Surviving.. may extinct real soon.

"How are you doing Jenny?"
Hm.. Well, my professor asked me that today. I didn't say much other than "Good, I'm good professor, things are following fine."

And, It's true things are okay. But honestly, at the dead of night, I can't help but let my wall down. I drop the role that I am playing. My voice is dry and soft. My eyes weirry. I'm dying.

I'm trying very hard to keep everything together. I'm tired even when I don't do anything. (How is this even possible?)

In a way, I feel like I am carrying a lot on my shoulder at the moment. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I don't know what will become of me. I do not want to share these feeling with anyone. I can't talk to my mom or my dad. I will only make them stress more. I don't want to tell this to my friend because it will look like I'm complaining.

I miss having a significant other. I know this may sound ridiculous. But when I was in high school, every weekend, I would go online to talk to my bf. He would listen to all my troubles and my adventours. I would tease him and he would tell me about his stuff. It was warm and comforting to have someone like that to rely on. And some day, I truly do miss what we had. And thinking now, how great it would be if I had someone like that. Maybe someone I could talk to and share my troubles. Someone wouldn't judge me for my decision and my action. Now days, I just got to bed late with a lot on my mind.

I'm glad that I still have this blog. It's nice to have a place to come home to and talk about my feelings. I just like to say it's tough. And I'm hanging on. I feel like if I have a clone right now, we might be able to get the job done. I mean in term of school, MCAT, letter of Rec, Personal statement, and more stuff to stress about..

My friends are graduating soon. They all got into school of their choice. They are moving and going all across California and everywhere else in the states. I sit here wondering...

Though, of all the stories I tell you. I want to say something good though. I have a good parents who care for me so much. I manage to get my personal statement together (it's coming..). I have manage to get some professor who is on board to pen me a letter of rec (but there are still a couple more prof to go. My midterm came through (I'm doing okay). My sexuality issue isn't bothering me (I'm happy being who I am and being attracted to both gender.)

There are a few more things I still need to worry about. I post a picture of a broccilli painting a selfportrait. Because, right now, I feel that I am that broccoli. I yearn for something. I hope I don't collpase or faint or die anytime soon (thought it does feel like it sometime)

Healthy Living: Just a thought

I'm dying!! Okay, I mean, not literally, but dying is just the right word do describe my dying situation. I am at a stage in my life where I have so much to do that I really don't want to think about. I am not suppose to take time off to relax and rest because there seem so much to do. Things just seem really busy. I mean, I don't have time for anything. Yet, I don't want to anything.

Is this strange? I am in a stage in my life where if 1 thing goes wrong, the whole medical school application will sink underwater. Some night, I question whether get through it alive. If I ever get a chance at a medical school. I mean, this is all I think about and talk about. (I'm sorry that my blog been a bit "premed" lately. It's just my top concern at this moment)

I'm really not sure anymore of anything anymore. I mean, the closer I am to the application, the less I know what I'm really doing. (Please dont' get me wrong about this statement, I'm not saying I'm lacking interest in medicine.) What I'm saying is that, sometime, I just don't see it. I can't picture myself gettiing through it all. It been so rough right now that I am ambrush with all of these feeling.

The thoughts of whether am I can make it, whether I will have the right stats, the right letter, the right personal statement me there? I mean, it's hard. There, I said it. I SAID IT!

I feel like, right now, I'm just getting everything together to apply. I don't really have time to worry or what other people think of me. For some reason, I feel like everything is coming to an end very soon, and I only got this one chance to get everything together.

I'm not dishearten or anything. I just really can't see myself through this sometime, and I just want to let you know. I just hope everything is going to be okay. I have doubts in mysef sometime, and I admit I'm nto perfect. I don't know anything anymore.

What is my life gonna be? Where am I gonna go? What would become of me?

So, one of my mentor gave me this tip. DROP EVERYTHING.
Stop thinking, stop worrying. Focus.