Healthy Living: Week 12 For better or for worse

The Event:

Today my school held an event at Disneyland. I didn't go. For one, I didn't remember and completely forgot about it. And two, I'm not exactly sure how many of my friends went. But the thing is, I had a pretty good Saturday before I learned of the event that I unkowningly missed. 

I'm a bit sad because i didn't go. I was a bit irritated that my friends who went didn't tell me anything about the event that they are planning to go. But you know, it is my fault for not keeping up with different events going on at school and totally missed out on this thing. Part of me is kinda sad because I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to do so 3rd or 4th year because I'm on rotation. 

I hope all goes well and I won't missed winter formal. 

And that the thing, part of me feels like I'm always missing out on things. Part of me wonders if there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should have been more social, make more friends, be around stuff that happen. I don't know, maybe I should have been more involved with my school or university. I feel like I don't do enough or get involved enough with my school. 

I feel like crap now. 

And in all of that misery, I was really enjoying this korean drama show. I had a pretty good dinner too. But to get to the main point, I was binge watch a show tonight and was just skipping through episodes. And you know, I feel like in my most pititful moment, I feel like I was crappy. Maybe all I ever amount to is just binged watching korean drama show, staying up late, and not caring about my responsibilities, and just being a really really lame and crappy person. 

I can't believe I feel so lowly about myself because I always felt that I'm missing out on something, the world always seem to have something better going on. I don't know. Have I lived? What is living anyway? 

But then again, I did some reflection while rolling around in my bed sheets. I realized this, "You know, you won't miss out on life. Nothing important ever get away." 

And that's true. I have been blessed enough, that for all the important event that has portain to my life and all the things that should have happen, I always have found myself there. I have faith, and trust, that things will be okay. Stuff will fall into place. And sure, I did miss out on an amazing events, and I kinda wish I remember and kept tract of the date. I am still grateful to be apart of my university, to have the friends that I have, and to be the student and person that I am. Even in my most unfitted moment as a person/student/everything else, and in the moment when I feel like a creep, a big loser, and just plan not good, I am me. I am still me. No more, and no less me. And its okay, to binged watch, to feel like your missing out, to feel like your a total loser, to feel like you haven't lived, to have emotions all together. It is okay to experience all of that. But I am also thankful, for a saturday night with music, people, night lights, salad, old soda, home-made quacamole, and a korean drama of a gay romance that made my heart squeel. 

So, what is it, to recharge one battery? I'm still looking for my source of mana. 

Healthy Living: Week 11- Finding oneself.

I think this is what I lacked. I really have forgotten about myself. I forgot how to restore my mana/chakra. Now, I'm just a fat potato. But, this weekend, I did spend 4 hours doing something that I use to do. (1) Photo editing.

It was nice because I finally able to edit some old pictures I have taken over the summer. Its one thing taking pictures, its another thing going through it and listening to nice old song. And then, being able to select and edited.

I didn't do too much editing but it was a fun break. I hope this coping strategy works. Next week, I'm going to try something different.

Btw, above is some photo I edited. I really enjoy taking them, and also looking back at them. I realized one thing, I should stop eating past 12 am. I already upload these picture on tumblr, but I really need to update my digital update website.

Healthy Living: Wk 10: And so it continues

I haven't written in a couple of weeks because of my new studying schedule. It makes it difficult for me to write since I come home late and then I get tired and I have to sleep.

But with all that said, I can't say more that there is a lot that has happened and there is a lot that I would like to talk about in my life. But time constrant. And honestly, nothing has really change.

I still feel trap in a situation where I like a girl who does not like me back. She is still hung up and in love with her ex. With all due respect, I'm going to make sure, the next tine I sit, I'm going to sit in an opposite side of the her ex, so this way, i don't have to deal with this bullshit anymore of having to see her stare in the opposite way.

I think for Renal, I will switch seat to the opposite side. But honestly, I don't wan to go out of my way to seating.

I kinda stop asking why is this girl in my life and why I am torture this way and have to deal with this situation. Like, I get it. They are both in love. Now, CAN I PLEASE EXIT THE STORY? Was there even a reason why I'm even here?? She so different from me in so many ways, and honestly, I'm ether sad over the situation, of piss off at her. And then i have to be nice to her in front of her.

I'm telling you. If this isn't life is punishing me, I don't see the reason for this. Is it necessary to give me this pain. I stop questioning life and why and why its like its.

I'm tired of fighting the current. I'm just going to confess. Lay out my cards and be honest. And just face the consequence. I'm kinda tired of playing this game. I played it twice with the 2 previous girl I love. And now, lets be real. Let's be honest. Let's confess. I don't know what to will come out of it. But, i'm tired of this emotional roller coaster. Let's clear the way, for a new year. Let end this year with honesty. I HOPE I GET MY SANITY BACK.

[Guest Writer] The Art of Self-Healing

‘The Buddha said that if you have a wound within your body or within your mind, you can learn how to take care of it. There are many ways of taking care of your wound. You allow the wound in your body and soul to heal. You do not stand in the way of its healing. But very often we do just that. We forbid our body to heal itself; we do not allow our mind, our consciousness, to heal itself because of our ignorance. We know that our body has the capacity to heal itself. When we cut our finger, we don’t have to do much. We just clean it and allow it to heal - maybe for one or two days. If we tamer with the wound, if we worry too much or do too many things to it, it may not heal. Especially when we worry too much about it.

The Buddha gave the example of someone who is hit by an arrow. The person suffers. If soon afterwards a second arrow strikes him in exactly the same spot, the pain is not just double, it is ten times more intense. If you have a wound within your body and you magnify it with your worry and your panic, the wound will become more serious. It would be helpful to practice breathing in and breathing out and understanding the nature of the wound. Breathing in, we think, “I am aware that this is only a physical wound. It can be healed if I allow it to do so.” If you need to, you can ask a friend or a doctor to confirm that your wound is only minor, and that you shouldn’t worry. You should not panic, because panic is born of ignorance. Worry and panic are mental formations. They make the situation worse. You should rely on your knowledge of your own body. You are intelligent. Do not imagine that you are going to die because of a minor wound in your body or soul.

We know that when an animal is wounded, it looks for a quiet place to lie down. Wisdom is present in the animal’s body. It knows that rest is the best way to heal. It does not do anything, not even eat or hunt; it just lies down. Some days later, it can get up. It is healed. Human beings have lost confidence in their body. We panic and try to do many different things. We worry too much about our body. We do not allow it to heal itself. We do not know how to rest. Mindful breathing helps us to re-learn the art of resting. Mindful breathing is like a loving mother holding her sick baby in her arms saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you, just rest.”’

- Thich Nhat Hanh, The Path of Emancipation.

---

I am wounded. I have not realized I have been wounded for a very long time. I think it has all started on a hiking trip back during in my Behavioral block. I now understand that I have been wounded for a very long time, and I need time to heal. I need time to mend my broken heart and my wound. But I cannot heal if I do not accept the fact that I am wounded. 

I think part of me still and continues to hope that there is a future for my crush and me. And that hope amplified everytime I see her, and it darkens every time she lashes out on me. And I feel like I am on this roller coaster. This summer has done me a great service by removing her strong grip on my heart. But the pain has not close yet. 

I think I need time to rest. Time to mend my broken heart. A time to heal, and a time to move forward. I don't know what the future holds but interacting with her just overstimulate my wound even more. I guess the only way to heal is to let go and to walk away. But I can't do that until I come to terms that she is not a good person, and that there could never be a me and her. I should also stay away from her ex. She just reminded me of my crush. Its okay if my crush is madly in love with her. I don't mind. I don't want a part in this struggle anymore. 

I hope and pray that our path will not cross anymore. And even in close distance, I hope we are million miles away in our heart and soul. 

Wk 4: Everything always seem to fall into place.

"Everything always seem to fall into place."

I started week 4 with a special 3rd year. She was one of the first ECM TA that really calmed my nerve during my first patient encounters. Here she was again, sitting in the one of my favorite coffee shop.

I wasn't expecting her, but she was an unexpected guest in my week. I asked her about boards and rotation. I let her know my concerns and in return, she told me about her board studying journey, and how she set into gears about doing question. The idea of boards is a looming questions and it scares me just thinking about it. We had about a 30 minute chat. She was studying for her didactic week. And at the end of the conversation, she left me with 3 things:

1. Start Doing question now. Start doing them early. Burn through them. + 2 round of UWorld
2. Get through all the resource you wanted to use at least once BEFORE January.
3. Don't worry about rotation. Everything always seem to all into place.

And with that, she walked out of my life, or at least, she walked out of my week. And honestly, it was a very reassuring thought to know that despite all the things I'm going through, things will work itself out, and I'll be okay.

"It was so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth was, it shouldn’t be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something’s difficult to come by, you’ll do that much more make sure it’s even harder, if not impossible, to lose.

Flashing forward, as I am now in week 5 of my 2nd year. I can't believe it has already been a month since I have been in school. I am around my friends again, and I have found new study methods that works for me. I'm happy that I have discovered it. I have a falling in and a falling out process with the girl I like.  My opinion of her change hourly and there is so many things I am so frustrated with her. Her existence give me a hard time. And I don't know why I deserved to carry so much feeling and emotion for someone who could careless about me. I feel like I am wasting my time just being in her life. Can we please skip this part right here? I don't know what I need to learn before I can overcome this obstacles, and its not that my life have not been difficult enough.

With all these thoughts and negative emotions that consumed me, I feel more and more hatred toward to that girl. Its not even normal. I feel like this is the universe doing because really, I don't think I voluntarily walk into this tragedy.

With so much angrish and distrubed emotions, I am sitting here wonder why. Why do I have to go through this? And I don't know why.. and I don't think I will ever know, and honestly, it doesn't matter why. This girl is here, and this emotion is here and they both sit here with me.

Remembering back to the kind words that the 3rd years have given me, I realized one very important thing.  "Everything always seem to fall into place". And maybe right now, I don't like the situation. I am not doom to my fate. I have trust. I have faith that I will see through this, and be a better and smarter student out of this. I do not wish to engaged into any conflict with anyone. I pray for a time to study and to perform. I pray for support, for love, for kindness. And most importantly of all, I pray for guidance.

And I know, seeing what life have given my parents and me, I know, Everything will fall into place.

Wk2: The feeling

I'm not sure what to talk about tonight. I don't have any raging urge to talk about anything. Or maybe, it is just the music I'm currently listening. Or maybe, there is so much on my mind that I can't simply put into words. Or maybe, its too late and I'm too tired.

I don't know what message to impart on the world tonight. I guess there are no words. Just thoughts emotions. I am not quite sure what I'm exactly doing really.

Maybe, I can tell you what I'm feeling or what is on my mind. I'm trying out some ways to study for boards. I'm still seeing my crush as regularly. I don't know. We haven't really talk one on one, but seeing her make me happy. She just has that effect on me, seeing her lighten my day a little bit, and class just feels a little bit empty without her. I can't believe she still has such a big effect on me. And you know, I don't think she know about it. I don't really show it, or intentionally show it. I don't even know if we are meant for each other or even right for each other. We are so different in many ways, and I'm not even sure if we are compatible. Base on past experience, there is so many reason why I should stay away from her and move on. And which, I am currently trying, or so I hope.

But she has this effect on me. She can make me really happy and really sad. How did she get so much control over my emotions? It almost as if I am not even in possession of my emotions. She is like my cup of coffee. A little dose of her everyday, helps in some little ways. I know this is unhealthy, and I'm sure one day I will have to suffer for it.

But yesterday night, I asked myself an interesting questions. Why is she in my life? Why do we fall for people who we aren't meant for? Is she just another young love distraction that my older self will some day reminisce? Do she have to be? Or could I someday slip my arms around her and feel her body warmth? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds or how much pain I will have to pay for harboring such emotions for someone who I am unsure of my future with.

Life once again keeps me wondering. There is so much things I hoped for, but what will the result be? Who knows.

But, I did come to this one conclusion. While our path still cross, I want to be a positive influence to her life. I want to bring positiveness to her and help her reach her full potential. I want this. I want to be a positive influence for her. I choose to do it. And I hope, I can affect and influence her in some ways. And I find it funny, I consciously, want to be a positive influence in her life. I don't know anything about love or how to love someone. But I truly want the best for her. I want to see her succeed, thrive, be happy, and experience many joy in her life. She is a wonderful person, and I truly believe it.

I hope, I don't have to pay back to life the pain and suffering that I will feel for her if this ever crash to the ground. But maybe, at the end of the day, I can do one thing that Buddha has taught me. That at the end of the day, all that matter is  how much you love, how gently you lived, and how you let go of those that don't belong to you. And, and maybe with that, I can find peace going forward with my life. As long as our path still, I want to be a positive influence in her life.

Week 1: How much has changed in a year.

Yesterday, I went to my school mentor/mentee things. I can't believed it has already been a year. What I got most out it wasn't that I was bonding with my mentee. Obviously, I feel like he was much more mature than me and was ready to take on the world. I got a different feeling to the whole event. Things were so different today from a year ago.

A year back, I came there scared. I don't know who my mentee were. I didn't have any friends and I didn't know anybody. I wasn't really sure what to make out of the event after the dinner. I stood with my mentor watching a group of girls playing Powerpuff Balls. There was a girl in that group that caught my attention awhile back. I really didn't think too much about what she was to me or why I even bother to pay extra attention. At that time, I was just glad she was focus on the game, and I could feast my eyes on the site of her.

She wasn't necessary pretty or cute. I don't know, I just wanted to watch her play and her interaction with her teammate. It was a rare and nice moment. I was enjoying the game and the site of her. Afterward, a guy friend of mine drove me back to my car. I talked to a few classmate about anatomy. The dude that drove me back was one of my anatomy group mate. Things were so different back then. I didn't think too much about who these people are and what difference they will make in my life.

Flash forward, a year later, on this exact similar event, I was now the 2nd year waiting on me mentee. He end up showing up but was about 30 minutes late. I didn't bother too much about the details regarding him. He got it. I just knew it, but maybe he was trying a little bit hard to fit in. I wasn't sure if it true, but that was the vibe I got.

And when it came to the event, we played dodgeball. Its funny because the girl who I watched played last year was also in today's event.  I still kept my eyes on her. But there is so much element and factors that make this year feel extra different.

First, I wasn't alone anymore. I was with my group of friends. We sat together, talked to our younger peers, and we cheered on the game together as group. Secondly, I participated this time. I went to the event and I played. I was no longer the spectors but a contributing member. This time, all eyes were on me. I didn't contribute much, but I was there for the spirit cheer and the team buidling moments, and I did play a couple of rounds where I lost. But, it was still fun.

And you know, I don't want to point fingers too much or say something I have no proof, but it would be nice if the girl that I once watched, is now watching me. My team went against her team, and my team took the win. We then went on to fight for 3rd place. I was in there for a few moments and it was damn right fun. It was nice to knows that there were eyes on me. My friends were watching, my peers were viewing, and for once,  I was not just a spectator, but something more.

How much has things changed. Who knew, I grew. Who knew, I came out to my peers. Who knew, I became a stronger and more confident person. Who knew, I had to guts to after girls. I'm still not there yet, but one day, I will be the one asking.  How much has changed in a year.

Ps: I went to vietnam