Winterbreak wk2: The second beginning

Hello!

Notice how I named this week's blog the 2nd beginning. Because, it is.
I honestly don't know how this year will go. Last year, I went to bed wondering what will happen that year. Will I do well? Will I ever make any friends? Will it be alright? And, in the very end, it was alright. It wasn't great, but my goodness have I learned and struggle. I made very good friends.It was tough. I'm not going to lie, some night was rougher than others. I wasn't able to control myself emotionally or mentally. Handling emotions and education was definitly something I had no experience over.

But, 2017 gave me that experience. To be able to deal with my emotions for others and also be able to juggle school. I did a pretty crappy job and often times, my academic suffers. But I'm willing to learn and I'm willing to improve.

This year, I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to be a calm ducking on the surface, but paddling for her life underneath. I want to be able to balance, stay calm, keep my emotions in check, and above all, do good work. That is the goal.

This year, I want to make some adjustment to my pattern:

(1) Write blog on Sunday/Monday to update life. To restart the week, and provide  closure for each week to share its highlights. My artificial deadline.
(2) Meditate everyday. Even if it only 4 min. I like it because it also me to pause throughout my day, and stop my brain from flights of thoughts. It my day pause. To handle my thoughts and my emotions

Yea, that is it. It is something I want to do to be able to keep me sane. It's my emotionals and academic restart/pause button. Maybe this is will be alright.

Life is a journey of self-discovery.

Winterbreak1: The Past, Present, and Future

I met up with Lk this week. She is one of my best friend since high school and we went through college together. She was the first person I came out to when I first discovered my sexuality. She stood by my side when I was crying over this one girl who I really wanted to date back then. Looking back, I wasn't sure if this girl was toxic to me or if I was toxic to myself and she was just instigating things.

Either way, because of that experience, I gain a really really good friend. Lk and I went through our up and down and there were periods we did not speak. Until now, stuff just pull us back together and she is finally engaged to the man of her dream. I am truly happy for her. Looking back, even though I didn't ended up with the first girl (who I really wanted to date back then), I realized that I gained a lot of other stuff. One important thing I gain is self love. The ability to care for others but also wanting happiness for oneself. And I didn't really figure that out until the very end, during final weeks of my 2nd year. I guess my final exam was to see if I really learned the lesson well. And that was, self love. It is impossible to love other without first loving oneself and caring oneself.

Oh, of course, I learn something important. That I REALLY REALLY LIKE GIRLS!! That is a good understanding to have. And my friends, that open up the doors to my gay community. I realized that everytime I struggled with girls, it just bring me closer to the gay community. I guess this really just mean that I can finally accept and love myself a little more. I am sure a lot of gay girls have gone through this, and it just my first step. My baby gayness.

And then the 2nd girl came along, and my goodness, was she amazing. If I had a dream girl, it would be her. Dark past, tall, extremely cute, knows how to dress, smart, hardworking, a little cold hearted, and of course, undateable. She was perfect for me, at that time. You see, I don't think I could handle a relationship during that time in my life. I just came out broken by another girl, and my grades were a mess. I didn't even know if being a doctor was the right thing for me. I felt lost and not sure of what I wanted out life. It was just a lost and scatter period in my life. And she was it, she was someone I could at least be close too that make my heart happy. She was beautiful to me. Being around her lifted my spirit, and for once, I could finally study. I actually care about coming to class because she was there. I even went to the same class twice just so I can be around her. She was everything to me and in the lecture hall of hundreds, I only saw her.

But like many things in life, each and every phase of our lives must end to allow another chapter to begin. And so, the 2nd girl eventually disappeared from my life. There were many reasons why the 2nd girl wasn't for me. (1) She was straight (2) she had a boyfriend who love and care about her alot (3) our lives did not aligned. She was important to me and was crucial to my development as a person. Because of her, I earned the grades that got me into med school. Because of her, I recovered from the 1st girl. Because of her, I regain my concentration and focus. She help me get closer to my goal and help be get on the right track to becoming a physician. I owe a lot to her and her coldness. And even though being around her everyday broke my heart slowly, it was a price I was willing to pay so I can get into med school. To me, she was my sanity.

And when I got out of college, I found a group of LGBT friends online. They were my gamer friends and my goodness, they were a blessing. In this group, I met 2 important people who help me further my development. One was KO and the other was TA. TA has a great affect of me. She was the first gay women who actually was confident and sure that she wanted a girl. We had a lot of late night talk and conversations. I bonded with her because we struggled with similar viewpoint about how being LGBT was less then being straight. During that time, I wasn't very proud that I like girls. Being around TA and talking to her, help me slowly gain that confidence. I never really had emotionally feeling for TA. I mean, I adore her and admire her talent and her perspective in life. But more so, I saw her as my older sister. Someone, who I truly thought was amazing.

 But like many things, life took me away from her. Or so, I choose to walk away from her due to unexpected events that unfold between TA, KO, and I. I could no longer look at TA the same way, and I realized that as one chapter of my life ends, my path with TA no longer crossed. And with that, I let her go. She is in a better place now with someone else, and despite all that we went through, I am truly happy for her.

"Emotions comes in wave." 

With that, my transition years came to an end, and I started med school. Here, I met people, got to know people, got involved into people lives, and of course, life happens again.

Today, I do not want to delved into my med school mess. Maybe, it is too early to reflect on it. Or maybe, there are still some life events and life lessons I need to learn before I can truly write about it with a better understanding and appreciation toward life. But today, my heart is breaking. I am starting to accept that the girl that I have been crushing on for about a year now might not be the right person for me. A lot of people has been telling me that, and I am still having a hard time trying to accept it. False hope hits me right and left. And sometime, just trying to fathom life without her hurts me. But then again, I thought about the girls who I thought were my world a few years ago, none of those girls made it through to this day with me. And right now, I'm preoccupied with the thought of this med school friend. So, right now, it is hard to visualized a future without her, but truly, (despite how much I hate it right now), if I was force to walk out on her and have no future with her, the future me would be alright. Life will happen, and I will be occupied with someone else with due time. And who knows, with enough knowledge and understanding, I might get lucky and find someone truly special. And this time, I get to keep her.

Wk18: Desperate

I pray, I pray, I pray. The next 6 months will be the most academic and emotional difficult times of my medical school education. I am scared because I have to deal with this girl who has great control over my emotions and the medical boards exam which will determine the course of my life.

I am scare. I don't know how I will be able to get through this. I am barely hanging on to my very last bit at the end of my respiratory exam. I don't want any trouble. I just want an undisrupted time to focus and study. I need myself back. I need to be fully geared and mentally focus and emotionally there. I honestly don't know how I will get through this. Right now, it looks impossible. Right now, it just look like the worse thing.

But I must remind myself, each and every next stage of my life will push me further away from my comfort zone. It is continuously push be closer and closer to the things I thought was unbearable or unimaginable. This is my struggle. This is my life. This hardship was meant for me. I need to own up to this. I am watched over and cared for. I will get through this. I know, I will. I pray for guidance.

Wk14: Where is Buddha

What can I say guys?
The last few weeks has been hard. We have been boiling down to the thanksgiving break and before we could have a joyful moment with our family, we were grind. Crazy grind. We had 3 exam in one week. 1 Practical (which I failed), 1 written exam, and 1 organ exam. The last 2 I successfully pass, but boy were they hard. I don't even know what how to describe the last week. It was truly was hard that I can't fathom.

I studied 1 week worth of work in 2 days. I prayed to have enough strength to carry on in those 2 rough day. It was definitely not easy. I was fortunate enough to found the strength. Thank to up above.

One part of me was wondering these past few days, that boards is coming. I still haven't done much studying. I feel so useless. I feel like I haven't dedicated enough time.

Then on another note, I still haven't found my source of mana. I haven't found source that revive me. One of my buddy want to come me to church with her. Because for her, church was a place that she can recenter her life. And I don't know. I don't want to be Christian. I really do respect the faith and see the reason why they worship in God. But, in my heart, there is already someone else. I have grown up with my faith and I don't want to let it go. It has carry me through, and to be very honest, at the end of the day, if I was to lose everything, all I have left is my faith.

I don't believe in accident. Especially, when it come to major events and people. People where place into your life and certain events happen for a reason. And I truly believe, that there is someone above me and watching over me. Someone who is helping me through every step of the way. I always have that feeling, and was raise in a loving family, where my mother introduce me into buddhism. My grandpa almost became a monk.

And so, why do I choose to stay with buddhism? Because it is my faith. It is something I believe in and it is someone I pray to when I have nothing left. I don't know much, but I know that someone is there for me. I don't see them often because I often get lost in the day to day life and the details of life. But I know they are there. I know, because of the certain things that happen in my life, and in the way my life has turn out.

One of my friend once describe that her religion is her rock. It is something that hold her and keep her grounded. Even in the storm of life and all of its rumble, she knows, that God is there for her. I think that is a beautiful thought, and a powerful understanding.

I don't know if I have that. As in, I don't know if I saw my faith as my ground, my rock. You see, I have been very lucky and fortunate to have my parents who has been my rock. They are the people I come to when things get bad. I have cousins who I can fall to when I need and desire company. I have a couple of close friends and I rely on them to carry through. I have mentors. I have teachers and a lot of role models who are there for me, who help and support me, and so I asked, where does religion come and play a role in my life?

When has religion been there for me? Where is Buddha?

I learn, and learn again and again. First hinted, then clues, then and odd findings within myself. That Buddha is within me. He, they, she is within me. They have been with me longer than I could remember, and I have felt their presence in my life from time to time. But they live within me, and they has always been with me. I just forgot. Maybe the reason I wear the necklace of Buddha was to remind me that they are here. The love was given to me before I was even in my conscious. Buddha is in me and in everyone around me. Buddha is in the kindness my friends has shown me through the dark time of the MCAT. Buddha is in the my Lead counselor. Buddha is in my small group. Buddha is in the love my parents has given me. Buddha is in my dear cousins that I consider as my blood sibling. Buddha is within me and is around me. It is in the thoughts, the actions, the presence of people around me.

Life and its journey is something that might be determined and destine by god and chances. But Buddha is the teacher who help and guide us on how to live a fulling and worthwhile life; to be a good human not only to ourself but to others during our brief stay in this earth.

Healthy Living: Week 12 For better or for worse

The Event:

Today my school held an event at Disneyland. I didn't go. For one, I didn't remember and completely forgot about it. And two, I'm not exactly sure how many of my friends went. But the thing is, I had a pretty good Saturday before I learned of the event that I unkowningly missed. 

I'm a bit sad because i didn't go. I was a bit irritated that my friends who went didn't tell me anything about the event that they are planning to go. But you know, it is my fault for not keeping up with different events going on at school and totally missed out on this thing. Part of me is kinda sad because I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to do so 3rd or 4th year because I'm on rotation. 

I hope all goes well and I won't missed winter formal. 

And that the thing, part of me feels like I'm always missing out on things. Part of me wonders if there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should have been more social, make more friends, be around stuff that happen. I don't know, maybe I should have been more involved with my school or university. I feel like I don't do enough or get involved enough with my school. 

I feel like crap now. 

And in all of that misery, I was really enjoying this korean drama show. I had a pretty good dinner too. But to get to the main point, I was binge watch a show tonight and was just skipping through episodes. And you know, I feel like in my most pititful moment, I feel like I was crappy. Maybe all I ever amount to is just binged watching korean drama show, staying up late, and not caring about my responsibilities, and just being a really really lame and crappy person. 

I can't believe I feel so lowly about myself because I always felt that I'm missing out on something, the world always seem to have something better going on. I don't know. Have I lived? What is living anyway? 

But then again, I did some reflection while rolling around in my bed sheets. I realized this, "You know, you won't miss out on life. Nothing important ever get away." 

And that's true. I have been blessed enough, that for all the important event that has portain to my life and all the things that should have happen, I always have found myself there. I have faith, and trust, that things will be okay. Stuff will fall into place. And sure, I did miss out on an amazing events, and I kinda wish I remember and kept tract of the date. I am still grateful to be apart of my university, to have the friends that I have, and to be the student and person that I am. Even in my most unfitted moment as a person/student/everything else, and in the moment when I feel like a creep, a big loser, and just plan not good, I am me. I am still me. No more, and no less me. And its okay, to binged watch, to feel like your missing out, to feel like your a total loser, to feel like you haven't lived, to have emotions all together. It is okay to experience all of that. But I am also thankful, for a saturday night with music, people, night lights, salad, old soda, home-made quacamole, and a korean drama of a gay romance that made my heart squeel. 

So, what is it, to recharge one battery? I'm still looking for my source of mana. 

Healthy Living: Week 11- Finding oneself.

I think this is what I lacked. I really have forgotten about myself. I forgot how to restore my mana/chakra. Now, I'm just a fat potato. But, this weekend, I did spend 4 hours doing something that I use to do. (1) Photo editing.

It was nice because I finally able to edit some old pictures I have taken over the summer. Its one thing taking pictures, its another thing going through it and listening to nice old song. And then, being able to select and edited.

I didn't do too much editing but it was a fun break. I hope this coping strategy works. Next week, I'm going to try something different.

Btw, above is some photo I edited. I really enjoy taking them, and also looking back at them. I realized one thing, I should stop eating past 12 am. I already upload these picture on tumblr, but I really need to update my digital update website.

Healthy Living: Wk 10: And so it continues

I haven't written in a couple of weeks because of my new studying schedule. It makes it difficult for me to write since I come home late and then I get tired and I have to sleep.

But with all that said, I can't say more that there is a lot that has happened and there is a lot that I would like to talk about in my life. But time constrant. And honestly, nothing has really change.

I still feel trap in a situation where I like a girl who does not like me back. She is still hung up and in love with her ex. With all due respect, I'm going to make sure, the next tine I sit, I'm going to sit in an opposite side of the her ex, so this way, i don't have to deal with this bullshit anymore of having to see her stare in the opposite way.

I think for Renal, I will switch seat to the opposite side. But honestly, I don't wan to go out of my way to seating.

I kinda stop asking why is this girl in my life and why I am torture this way and have to deal with this situation. Like, I get it. They are both in love. Now, CAN I PLEASE EXIT THE STORY? Was there even a reason why I'm even here?? She so different from me in so many ways, and honestly, I'm ether sad over the situation, of piss off at her. And then i have to be nice to her in front of her.

I'm telling you. If this isn't life is punishing me, I don't see the reason for this. Is it necessary to give me this pain. I stop questioning life and why and why its like its.

I'm tired of fighting the current. I'm just going to confess. Lay out my cards and be honest. And just face the consequence. I'm kinda tired of playing this game. I played it twice with the 2 previous girl I love. And now, lets be real. Let's be honest. Let's confess. I don't know what to will come out of it. But, i'm tired of this emotional roller coaster. Let's clear the way, for a new year. Let end this year with honesty. I HOPE I GET MY SANITY BACK.