Wk2: Progression

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

I'm scared. I took a really hard Repro test this Friday, and the score hasn't been released yet. Right now, I'm on double duty. On one side, I'm responsible for Boards stuff and on the other hand, I'm responsible for school materials.

The last exam was drastically difficult. There were questions that I was wondering where did they get it from? In some way, I felt like I really did study for the exam the same way that I would be studying for all other exams. I do not think boards got in the way of my exam studying schedule. But the score has yet to be released, so I can't make the call on yet. I hope it is okay, I hope I will be able to balance, and I hope I will not burnout, and I hope I be able to complete all the task I want to complete before boards.

With school stuff aside, I want to talk about this amazing weekend. I was burning out so hard last week, but this week, I went hiking with my group of buddies. It was truly something. I love it so much. We saw cactus, Joshua tree, eat good lunch in the freezing cold, hike up an old path that I traveled when I was a high school student. Things are truly different now. Back then, I was just a junior in high school and we were backpacking up this highly elevated mountain with our sleeping pads and tents. I was out of shape and wasn't really fit for the climb and I also fell off in one of the clift. Life was very different for me back then. Now, I'm doing a day hike with 2 other fellow buddies. The day was cool and the sky were cloudy. It was perfect for a good climb.

And this time, the climb was not that difficult. I was picking up pace fast and I felt like I had a lot of energy. In some way, I was racing to the top and it was perfect. We made it half way and part of me wanted to continue. However, we were poorly equipped. We didn't have proper shoes, proper clothing, and food & water. We fear the sun was setting soon and we didn't want to hike back down the stop in the cold. We saw the snow and knew how slippy the step could be if it got dark. So, by around 3:30 Pm, we decided to head down. A part of me was sad that we didn't complete the climb, but apart was happy that I was to make the climb. The view was incredible and the air was fresh. I felt like I could finally breathe again after so many days studying.

We made 2 additional stop before heading home; one of which was to watch the sunset and the other was to see the stars.

There are a lot of thoughts I wanted to write about. But maybe, not this time. Its 40 minute past my curfew. But I there is one last thing I would like to say: While looking at the stars, I felt complete. I felt small but big at the same time. It was as if I belong and I am blessed beyond measured.

Wk1: The things that Floats

The conclusion week 1 has finally come. Overall, it has been a pretty good week. Before we go into the reflection lane, I just want to say a few things that I wanted to get done this week.

First and foremost, this is board prep season. 6 months from now, I need to do big kids stuff and take a big exam. This week, I was testing out the water. First, I wanted to get a schedule going and so I used cramfighter as a tracker. My goal this week was to see my actual board studying strategy actually work.

This involved a whole new sleeping schedule. No longer was I staying up till 2AM. I was in bed by 12AM. THis is because, I need to get up early around 7am to start preparing for the board study. I do Uworld questions, and my goodness is it crazy hard. But I rather go through the rift now, then have to cram those questions at the very end. My biggest fear has always been time. So, let do it now.  Let feel the freaken burn now.

The  morning is dedicated to boards, and the afternoon is resolved for all that is left -- my classes, and that is alot. I use the weekend to catch up on classwork and that was what I did this week. I was not easy at all, and I'm not sure if I have caught up with everything, given our exam is coming in less than a few days. But who know's, daytime is board time.

My only prayers is my schedule works, I keep up with my board gears, my classes get their dedicated study time, and I learn the current materials, and keep myself happy.

To ensure that everything floats, I add a few trick that I learn to this quarter:

(1) Daily meditation: This technique has really kept me sane because it puts everything into perceptive and keep me calm. It keep the bad thoughts and the emotions at bay. At least, I can be conscious of the present movement and take things as the come, and plan when I have time. It brings a little bit of peace back into my life.

(2) Exercise: The body acts in harmonious rhythm. I realized that if I was going to exercise my mind rigorously, I need to the same for my body. I have finally found a way to make exercise work. I squeeze exercise around 10PM at night, which gives me time to shower + go to bed on time. This is great because it is the last thing I do at night, I get to look at the stars, and then tuck myself into bed. It cost 2 hrs of my time. But if I use the early morning effectively, my brain is usually dead by 10PM anyway. Lol.

(3) Weekly blog: I realized that writing my blog every sunday gives me closure for each and every week. Last semester, things just seems long. Like things are continous and a never ending trails. But by writting about each week and to give it a proper ending has allow me to really have time to reflex on my week, and allow me to make proper changes to my upcoming week. It is a time to reflex on the past, and time to improve ourselves, and prepare for what is next.

(4) Be good to her: This goes back to my crush. I like her alot. I want to pursue her. I need to do so slowly and openly. I don't want it to be some shady little secret. I want this is be evident and clear. I am not sure if she is really ready for another relationship, but that is okay, I'm gonna go slow. Very very very slow. I am willing to be patient and wait. If life doesn't not approved then life will find separate path for us. But in the meantime, I will pursue her. I have no idea if this is going to work, but let's try.  For once, I'm not backing down  on something. I am not charging and rushing into it either. I want this one to last, and I'm willing to take my time, and hopefully, she opens up one day. If not, then you know, its is what it is. 

(5) Keep my friends to a minimum: That means, less talking about other people, but instead to indulge in what is good and what is kind. That is to avoid the gossip, listening to it, or participating into any of it. Rather, just let things be, keep quiet, and carry on with one business. Avoiding trouble people.

Now, for the reflecting. Haha, I'm listening to a vietnamese song today call "Please forget me". Its about a woman telling her lover to let go of the love that they had. Their love was fleeting and that it has no solid foundation, so it is better to let it die then continue something that has no roots, no substantial ability to grow. Its smoothing in some way. A bittysweet feeling. Like the La La Land movie that I watched.

And to think, a year ago, things are so different. This time last year, I was studying for my first DIT exam. It was a week long exam, and I was preparing for the materials. I felt confident in the things I have learned. It was the first time that I allow myself to indulge in the thoughts of her as a little guilty pleasure. Who knew in a course of a year it will grow into something like this and I had to go through all these troubles. But thisyear, I don't know, I didn't feel the urge to text her that much this past week.

Of course, I still think of her and she is on my mind from time to time. But the reason why I didn't reach out to her this weekend is because I just want to let her be. I don't know what is on her mind and what stage she is in, but I truly want to take it slow. If I want this to last, then what is the rush? I know she still has someone else in her heart, so what is the point of contacting her? My lesbians friends has told me to not get involved with her. Well, I am already involved. I can't run from her because I simply don't want to. And I know, she can't let go of the other girl in her heart not because she can't, its because she also doesn't want to. (I'm just portraying my own feelings and thoughts, and by no mean is it true)

But, this is the things we do to each other. We all are bound to something we can't have or and I'm just delusional tonight? Either way, if I was to give an advice to someone like myself, who is going through this, is... to give me time. Let me take things slow and  approach her slowly. If its not meant to be, things will reveal itself to me, or I'm FINALLY able to see the things for what it is, and pick up the clue. But the truth is, I simply have to live and accept things for what it is or what I see or what I believe is true. And keep moving forward. 

I truly believe that there is someone above helping me and protecting me. So, I am going to have a little faith and continue with me journey. I pray for guidance.

Winterbreak wk2: The second beginning

Hello!

Notice how I named this week's blog the 2nd beginning. Because, it is.
I honestly don't know how this year will go. Last year, I went to bed wondering what will happen that year. Will I do well? Will I ever make any friends? Will it be alright? And, in the very end, it was alright. It wasn't great, but my goodness have I learned and struggle. I made very good friends.It was tough. I'm not going to lie, some night was rougher than others. I wasn't able to control myself emotionally or mentally. Handling emotions and education was definitly something I had no experience over.

But, 2017 gave me that experience. To be able to deal with my emotions for others and also be able to juggle school. I did a pretty crappy job and often times, my academic suffers. But I'm willing to learn and I'm willing to improve.

This year, I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to be a calm ducking on the surface, but paddling for her life underneath. I want to be able to balance, stay calm, keep my emotions in check, and above all, do good work. That is the goal.

This year, I want to make some adjustment to my pattern:

(1) Write blog on Sunday/Monday to update life. To restart the week, and provide  closure for each week to share its highlights. My artificial deadline.
(2) Meditate everyday. Even if it only 4 min. I like it because it also me to pause throughout my day, and stop my brain from flights of thoughts. It my day pause. To handle my thoughts and my emotions

Yea, that is it. It is something I want to do to be able to keep me sane. It's my emotionals and academic restart/pause button. Maybe this is will be alright.

Life is a journey of self-discovery.

Winterbreak1: The Past, Present, and Future

I met up with Lk this week. She is one of my best friend since high school and we went through college together. She was the first person I came out to when I first discovered my sexuality. She stood by my side when I was crying over this one girl who I really wanted to date back then. Looking back, I wasn't sure if this girl was toxic to me or if I was toxic to myself and she was just instigating things.

Either way, because of that experience, I gain a really really good friend. Lk and I went through our up and down and there were periods we did not speak. Until now, stuff just pull us back together and she is finally engaged to the man of her dream. I am truly happy for her. Looking back, even though I didn't ended up with the first girl (who I really wanted to date back then), I realized that I gained a lot of other stuff. One important thing I gain is self love. The ability to care for others but also wanting happiness for oneself. And I didn't really figure that out until the very end, during final weeks of my 2nd year. I guess my final exam was to see if I really learned the lesson well. And that was, self love. It is impossible to love other without first loving oneself and caring oneself.

Oh, of course, I learn something important. That I REALLY REALLY LIKE GIRLS!! That is a good understanding to have. And my friends, that open up the doors to my gay community. I realized that everytime I struggled with girls, it just bring me closer to the gay community. I guess this really just mean that I can finally accept and love myself a little more. I am sure a lot of gay girls have gone through this, and it just my first step. My baby gayness.

And then the 2nd girl came along, and my goodness, was she amazing. If I had a dream girl, it would be her. Dark past, tall, extremely cute, knows how to dress, smart, hardworking, a little cold hearted, and of course, undateable. She was perfect for me, at that time. You see, I don't think I could handle a relationship during that time in my life. I just came out broken by another girl, and my grades were a mess. I didn't even know if being a doctor was the right thing for me. I felt lost and not sure of what I wanted out life. It was just a lost and scatter period in my life. And she was it, she was someone I could at least be close too that make my heart happy. She was beautiful to me. Being around her lifted my spirit, and for once, I could finally study. I actually care about coming to class because she was there. I even went to the same class twice just so I can be around her. She was everything to me and in the lecture hall of hundreds, I only saw her.

But like many things in life, each and every phase of our lives must end to allow another chapter to begin. And so, the 2nd girl eventually disappeared from my life. There were many reasons why the 2nd girl wasn't for me. (1) She was straight (2) she had a boyfriend who love and care about her alot (3) our lives did not aligned. She was important to me and was crucial to my development as a person. Because of her, I earned the grades that got me into med school. Because of her, I recovered from the 1st girl. Because of her, I regain my concentration and focus. She help me get closer to my goal and help be get on the right track to becoming a physician. I owe a lot to her and her coldness. And even though being around her everyday broke my heart slowly, it was a price I was willing to pay so I can get into med school. To me, she was my sanity.

And when I got out of college, I found a group of LGBT friends online. They were my gamer friends and my goodness, they were a blessing. In this group, I met 2 important people who help me further my development. One was KO and the other was TA. TA has a great affect of me. She was the first gay women who actually was confident and sure that she wanted a girl. We had a lot of late night talk and conversations. I bonded with her because we struggled with similar viewpoint about how being LGBT was less then being straight. During that time, I wasn't very proud that I like girls. Being around TA and talking to her, help me slowly gain that confidence. I never really had emotionally feeling for TA. I mean, I adore her and admire her talent and her perspective in life. But more so, I saw her as my older sister. Someone, who I truly thought was amazing.

 But like many things, life took me away from her. Or so, I choose to walk away from her due to unexpected events that unfold between TA, KO, and I. I could no longer look at TA the same way, and I realized that as one chapter of my life ends, my path with TA no longer crossed. And with that, I let her go. She is in a better place now with someone else, and despite all that we went through, I am truly happy for her.

"Emotions comes in wave." 

With that, my transition years came to an end, and I started med school. Here, I met people, got to know people, got involved into people lives, and of course, life happens again.

Today, I do not want to delved into my med school mess. Maybe, it is too early to reflect on it. Or maybe, there are still some life events and life lessons I need to learn before I can truly write about it with a better understanding and appreciation toward life. But today, my heart is breaking. I am starting to accept that the girl that I have been crushing on for about a year now might not be the right person for me. A lot of people has been telling me that, and I am still having a hard time trying to accept it. False hope hits me right and left. And sometime, just trying to fathom life without her hurts me. But then again, I thought about the girls who I thought were my world a few years ago, none of those girls made it through to this day with me. And right now, I'm preoccupied with the thought of this med school friend. So, right now, it is hard to visualized a future without her, but truly, (despite how much I hate it right now), if I was force to walk out on her and have no future with her, the future me would be alright. Life will happen, and I will be occupied with someone else with due time. And who knows, with enough knowledge and understanding, I might get lucky and find someone truly special. And this time, I get to keep her.

Wk18: Desperate

I pray, I pray, I pray. The next 6 months will be the most academic and emotional difficult times of my medical school education. I am scared because I have to deal with this girl who has great control over my emotions and the medical boards exam which will determine the course of my life.

I am scare. I don't know how I will be able to get through this. I am barely hanging on to my very last bit at the end of my respiratory exam. I don't want any trouble. I just want an undisrupted time to focus and study. I need myself back. I need to be fully geared and mentally focus and emotionally there. I honestly don't know how I will get through this. Right now, it looks impossible. Right now, it just look like the worse thing.

But I must remind myself, each and every next stage of my life will push me further away from my comfort zone. It is continuously push be closer and closer to the things I thought was unbearable or unimaginable. This is my struggle. This is my life. This hardship was meant for me. I need to own up to this. I am watched over and cared for. I will get through this. I know, I will. I pray for guidance.

Wk14: Where is Buddha

What can I say guys?
The last few weeks has been hard. We have been boiling down to the thanksgiving break and before we could have a joyful moment with our family, we were grind. Crazy grind. We had 3 exam in one week. 1 Practical (which I failed), 1 written exam, and 1 organ exam. The last 2 I successfully pass, but boy were they hard. I don't even know what how to describe the last week. It was truly was hard that I can't fathom.

I studied 1 week worth of work in 2 days. I prayed to have enough strength to carry on in those 2 rough day. It was definitely not easy. I was fortunate enough to found the strength. Thank to up above.

One part of me was wondering these past few days, that boards is coming. I still haven't done much studying. I feel so useless. I feel like I haven't dedicated enough time.

Then on another note, I still haven't found my source of mana. I haven't found source that revive me. One of my buddy want to come me to church with her. Because for her, church was a place that she can recenter her life. And I don't know. I don't want to be Christian. I really do respect the faith and see the reason why they worship in God. But, in my heart, there is already someone else. I have grown up with my faith and I don't want to let it go. It has carry me through, and to be very honest, at the end of the day, if I was to lose everything, all I have left is my faith.

I don't believe in accident. Especially, when it come to major events and people. People where place into your life and certain events happen for a reason. And I truly believe, that there is someone above me and watching over me. Someone who is helping me through every step of the way. I always have that feeling, and was raise in a loving family, where my mother introduce me into buddhism. My grandpa almost became a monk.

And so, why do I choose to stay with buddhism? Because it is my faith. It is something I believe in and it is someone I pray to when I have nothing left. I don't know much, but I know that someone is there for me. I don't see them often because I often get lost in the day to day life and the details of life. But I know they are there. I know, because of the certain things that happen in my life, and in the way my life has turn out.

One of my friend once describe that her religion is her rock. It is something that hold her and keep her grounded. Even in the storm of life and all of its rumble, she knows, that God is there for her. I think that is a beautiful thought, and a powerful understanding.

I don't know if I have that. As in, I don't know if I saw my faith as my ground, my rock. You see, I have been very lucky and fortunate to have my parents who has been my rock. They are the people I come to when things get bad. I have cousins who I can fall to when I need and desire company. I have a couple of close friends and I rely on them to carry through. I have mentors. I have teachers and a lot of role models who are there for me, who help and support me, and so I asked, where does religion come and play a role in my life?

When has religion been there for me? Where is Buddha?

I learn, and learn again and again. First hinted, then clues, then and odd findings within myself. That Buddha is within me. He, they, she is within me. They have been with me longer than I could remember, and I have felt their presence in my life from time to time. But they live within me, and they has always been with me. I just forgot. Maybe the reason I wear the necklace of Buddha was to remind me that they are here. The love was given to me before I was even in my conscious. Buddha is in me and in everyone around me. Buddha is in the kindness my friends has shown me through the dark time of the MCAT. Buddha is in the my Lead counselor. Buddha is in my small group. Buddha is in the love my parents has given me. Buddha is in my dear cousins that I consider as my blood sibling. Buddha is within me and is around me. It is in the thoughts, the actions, the presence of people around me.

Life and its journey is something that might be determined and destine by god and chances. But Buddha is the teacher who help and guide us on how to live a fulling and worthwhile life; to be a good human not only to ourself but to others during our brief stay in this earth.

Healthy Living: Week 12 For better or for worse

The Event:

Today my school held an event at Disneyland. I didn't go. For one, I didn't remember and completely forgot about it. And two, I'm not exactly sure how many of my friends went. But the thing is, I had a pretty good Saturday before I learned of the event that I unkowningly missed. 

I'm a bit sad because i didn't go. I was a bit irritated that my friends who went didn't tell me anything about the event that they are planning to go. But you know, it is my fault for not keeping up with different events going on at school and totally missed out on this thing. Part of me is kinda sad because I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to do so 3rd or 4th year because I'm on rotation. 

I hope all goes well and I won't missed winter formal. 

And that the thing, part of me feels like I'm always missing out on things. Part of me wonders if there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should have been more social, make more friends, be around stuff that happen. I don't know, maybe I should have been more involved with my school or university. I feel like I don't do enough or get involved enough with my school. 

I feel like crap now. 

And in all of that misery, I was really enjoying this korean drama show. I had a pretty good dinner too. But to get to the main point, I was binge watch a show tonight and was just skipping through episodes. And you know, I feel like in my most pititful moment, I feel like I was crappy. Maybe all I ever amount to is just binged watching korean drama show, staying up late, and not caring about my responsibilities, and just being a really really lame and crappy person. 

I can't believe I feel so lowly about myself because I always felt that I'm missing out on something, the world always seem to have something better going on. I don't know. Have I lived? What is living anyway? 

But then again, I did some reflection while rolling around in my bed sheets. I realized this, "You know, you won't miss out on life. Nothing important ever get away." 

And that's true. I have been blessed enough, that for all the important event that has portain to my life and all the things that should have happen, I always have found myself there. I have faith, and trust, that things will be okay. Stuff will fall into place. And sure, I did miss out on an amazing events, and I kinda wish I remember and kept tract of the date. I am still grateful to be apart of my university, to have the friends that I have, and to be the student and person that I am. Even in my most unfitted moment as a person/student/everything else, and in the moment when I feel like a creep, a big loser, and just plan not good, I am me. I am still me. No more, and no less me. And its okay, to binged watch, to feel like your missing out, to feel like your a total loser, to feel like you haven't lived, to have emotions all together. It is okay to experience all of that. But I am also thankful, for a saturday night with music, people, night lights, salad, old soda, home-made quacamole, and a korean drama of a gay romance that made my heart squeel. 

So, what is it, to recharge one battery? I'm still looking for my source of mana.