Healthy Living: The lowest point

This past week, by far, has probably been the lowest point of my medical school education. I am sad, heartbroken, exhausted, burnout, anxious, scared, and fearful of what is to come.

As I wait for my pending board score, studying for the my step2/level2 exam, and also accepting the fact that the girl I like is probably not a good fit for me, hurts me terribly. I am also swamp with personal statement, pending ERAS application, and the question whether Internal Medicine is right for me.

I am beginning to question if I truly like medicine because the journey has all been so hard. I am thankful to be accepted to an American medical school, award a white coat, and obtained the privilege to train and become a physician. But this journey has been all so hard and the end is no where in site.

I am a bad test taker. I took my step 1 exam at the end of my 3rd year because I wasn't ready to take it at the beginning of my 2nd year of medical school. Now, I am burned out. And with the pending Step2/Lvl2 exam coming up, I am also doing poorly on my uworld exam.

I am also lonely. The girl I like is well.. not the best person in the world. I tried to feed myself with the delusion that maybe things would work out. But to be honest, I secretly wish I was treated better by her. I am slowly coming to the realization that it is one thing to fall for somebody, but it is another thing to choose to be with them. She has not been kind to me. My friends and family have pointed that out. I have been making excuses on her behave for why she was treating me badly. That is not very smart on my part. Well, love is blind.

But eventually, we all have to wake up. And I think, I am slowly doing so. I have decided to move forward with my life and let the dear girl go. It is because I wanted to be treated better. I want someone to also love me and be kind to me. Life is already hard, lets not make it worse by being with someone who doesn't know how to care for others. I want a kind companion who is willing to struggle with me and get through life together with me. I hope that in time, I too will learn the skill sets that will allow me to be a good partner for someone else. I hope I treat her kindly, fairly, and be the best partner ever for her. I promise I treat her well. And I too, want that for myself.

I can't fight all of my battle at once. So right now, I am going to try and forget what I wrote tonight. I will try to ignore the thoughts in my head to tell me to move on. I have made up my mind about this girl. And now, I'm going to not think about it anymore. After I finish my 2nd set of board exam, I will deal with all the heart ache then. But tonight, and for all of the nights moving forward, I am just going to try and forget. Forgive myself for not knowing better and forget the girl that has held me back.

And for school, my goodness. I don't know. Help, my ship is drowning. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat.

Healthy Living: Burnout

"If you do this for too long, you will likely build up symptoms of a burnout, especially if you also neglect you physical health by less sleep, food or exercise.

The advice given in the video is good advice, but I found that it hard to do something with that advice as long as I kept thinking: "But I don't have time for that! I first have to finish these other things!" 

I recommend to re-evaluate if all the things you are trying to do are important enough to risk you health or mental well-being. Are the end-goals you are working towards really worth collapsing for? After you are able to also accept a bit less of yourself it becomes easier practice self-care.

And remember, your self-worth does not have to be based on whether or not you have achieved this one goal... Be kind to yourself! You deserve it regardless of your achievements"

I'm burn out. Okay okay, let reevaluate.

Healthy Living - Hope is a thing with feather

I want to share a very special poem that I recently came to love. It is truly a classic.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

 And sings the tune without the words -

 And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

 That kept so many warm -

 I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

 And on the strangest Sea -

 Yet - never - in Extremity,

 It asked a crumb - of me.

I want it to remind you and me that we are not alone in this journey as long as we have hope. 

Traits required to become a physician.

To be a doctor requires: "intelligence, hardworking, dedication, caring for the wellbeing of other, sacrifice, opportunity, a little love from up above."

Movie Review: Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Lag

Movie:  Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Lag ("I felt something when I saw that girl")

I would like to quote an expert on a movie review. The passage really touched me.

"We are then taken on a familiar narrative journey with Sweety, as she explains her story to Sahil. We meet her girlfriend and join their quest to normalise her life. Sahil takes on the role of the male saviour, telling us that homosexuality is acceptable only when it impacts heterosexuality. At the same time, though, we welcome an ally: in a world where these conversations aren’t had, every hetero man who wants to be a saviour is welcome.

But by the end of the film, we’re all in tears. The queer people in the room have just watched their story told: not just a queer story, but a queer Indian story. It’s not the first ever – Fire, directed by Deepa Mehta, was released in 1996 – but it’s the first big mainstream Bollywood film that centres on a lesbian romance. It stars some of the biggest names in Bollywood – names that our families have uttered – and it helps make us feel that little bit more accepted. Not only has it reaffirmed our existence, it talks about the mental and physical abuse endured by some queer Indian people.

After the screening, a few us huddle together, still wiping away tears and grinning widely. Our families will watch the moments they experienced with us on a big screen and it reaffirms our lives. Ek Ladki has helped us take a step further into the right direction."

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/feb/04/bollywood-right-direction-with-ek-ladki-ko-dekha-toh-aisa-laga

This movie really left in in tear. My favorite part was when the father said these lines 

"Slapping them, locking them up won't change the way they love. It's not an illness that needs a cure. It's love. That's all it is. Having love is a blessing from God." That line is so precious. 

Corner Wall: To be loved

I have learned a lot of things on my OBGYN rotation. After taking care of pregnant mother and little babies for the last few weeks, I have came to this realization. 

                                         "The first and most important thing is to be loved." 

Babies after babies, I saw that to be loved is such an important thing. I truly believed human were made to love and be loved in return. I truly think this is core of happiness and a complete life. Its not wealth, title or power. It is to be loved. That is what taking care of all of the babies have taught me. 

Healthy Living: Road Trip to Joshua

I been living out in Joshua tree for nearly 2 weeks now. I decided to take Saturday off to visit one of my favorite location in Joshua Tree. Its called "Key View", and its has one of the most breathe taking view at Joshua tree for me. I truly love this place.

I don't have much on the site. I took some photo just to remember the experience. I just like being able to drive out and enjoy the nice view.