[Guest Writer] The Art of Self-Healing

‘The Buddha said that if you have a wound within your body or within your mind, you can learn how to take care of it. There are many ways of taking care of your wound. You allow the wound in your body and soul to heal. You do not stand in the way of its healing. But very often we do just that. We forbid our body to heal itself; we do not allow our mind, our consciousness, to heal itself because of our ignorance. We know that our body has the capacity to heal itself. When we cut our finger, we don’t have to do much. We just clean it and allow it to heal - maybe for one or two days. If we tamer with the wound, if we worry too much or do too many things to it, it may not heal. Especially when we worry too much about it.

The Buddha gave the example of someone who is hit by an arrow. The person suffers. If soon afterwards a second arrow strikes him in exactly the same spot, the pain is not just double, it is ten times more intense. If you have a wound within your body and you magnify it with your worry and your panic, the wound will become more serious. It would be helpful to practice breathing in and breathing out and understanding the nature of the wound. Breathing in, we think, “I am aware that this is only a physical wound. It can be healed if I allow it to do so.” If you need to, you can ask a friend or a doctor to confirm that your wound is only minor, and that you shouldn’t worry. You should not panic, because panic is born of ignorance. Worry and panic are mental formations. They make the situation worse. You should rely on your knowledge of your own body. You are intelligent. Do not imagine that you are going to die because of a minor wound in your body or soul.

We know that when an animal is wounded, it looks for a quiet place to lie down. Wisdom is present in the animal’s body. It knows that rest is the best way to heal. It does not do anything, not even eat or hunt; it just lies down. Some days later, it can get up. It is healed. Human beings have lost confidence in their body. We panic and try to do many different things. We worry too much about our body. We do not allow it to heal itself. We do not know how to rest. Mindful breathing helps us to re-learn the art of resting. Mindful breathing is like a loving mother holding her sick baby in her arms saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you, just rest.”’

- Thich Nhat Hanh, The Path of Emancipation.

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I am wounded. I have not realized I have been wounded for a very long time. I think it has all started on a hiking trip back during in my Behavioral block. I now understand that I have been wounded for a very long time, and I need time to heal. I need time to mend my broken heart and my wound. But I cannot heal if I do not accept the fact that I am wounded. 

I think part of me still and continues to hope that there is a future for my crush and me. And that hope amplified everytime I see her, and it darkens every time she lashes out on me. And I feel like I am on this roller coaster. This summer has done me a great service by removing her strong grip on my heart. But the pain has not close yet. 

I think I need time to rest. Time to mend my broken heart. A time to heal, and a time to move forward. I don't know what the future holds but interacting with her just overstimulate my wound even more. I guess the only way to heal is to let go and to walk away. But I can't do that until I come to terms that she is not a good person, and that there could never be a me and her. I should also stay away from her ex. She just reminded me of my crush. Its okay if my crush is madly in love with her. I don't mind. I don't want a part in this struggle anymore. 

I hope and pray that our path will not cross anymore. And even in close distance, I hope we are million miles away in our heart and soul. 

Wk 4: Everything always seem to fall into place.

"Everything always seem to fall into place."

I started week 4 with a special 3rd year. She was one of the first ECM TA that really calmed my nerve during my first patient encounters. Here she was again, sitting in the one of my favorite coffee shop.

I wasn't expecting her, but she was an unexpected guest in my week. I asked her about boards and rotation. I let her know my concerns and in return, she told me about her board studying journey, and how she set into gears about doing question. The idea of boards is a looming questions and it scares me just thinking about it. We had about a 30 minute chat. She was studying for her didactic week. And at the end of the conversation, she left me with 3 things:

1. Start Doing question now. Start doing them early. Burn through them. + 2 round of UWorld
2. Get through all the resource you wanted to use at least once BEFORE January.
3. Don't worry about rotation. Everything always seem to all into place.

And with that, she walked out of my life, or at least, she walked out of my week. And honestly, it was a very reassuring thought to know that despite all the things I'm going through, things will work itself out, and I'll be okay.

"It was so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth was, it shouldn’t be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something’s difficult to come by, you’ll do that much more make sure it’s even harder, if not impossible, to lose.

Flashing forward, as I am now in week 5 of my 2nd year. I can't believe it has already been a month since I have been in school. I am around my friends again, and I have found new study methods that works for me. I'm happy that I have discovered it. I have a falling in and a falling out process with the girl I like.  My opinion of her change hourly and there is so many things I am so frustrated with her. Her existence give me a hard time. And I don't know why I deserved to carry so much feeling and emotion for someone who could careless about me. I feel like I am wasting my time just being in her life. Can we please skip this part right here? I don't know what I need to learn before I can overcome this obstacles, and its not that my life have not been difficult enough.

With all these thoughts and negative emotions that consumed me, I feel more and more hatred toward to that girl. Its not even normal. I feel like this is the universe doing because really, I don't think I voluntarily walk into this tragedy.

With so much angrish and distrubed emotions, I am sitting here wonder why. Why do I have to go through this? And I don't know why.. and I don't think I will ever know, and honestly, it doesn't matter why. This girl is here, and this emotion is here and they both sit here with me.

Remembering back to the kind words that the 3rd years have given me, I realized one very important thing.  "Everything always seem to fall into place". And maybe right now, I don't like the situation. I am not doom to my fate. I have trust. I have faith that I will see through this, and be a better and smarter student out of this. I do not wish to engaged into any conflict with anyone. I pray for a time to study and to perform. I pray for support, for love, for kindness. And most importantly of all, I pray for guidance.

And I know, seeing what life have given my parents and me, I know, Everything will fall into place.

Wk2: The feeling

I'm not sure what to talk about tonight. I don't have any raging urge to talk about anything. Or maybe, it is just the music I'm currently listening. Or maybe, there is so much on my mind that I can't simply put into words. Or maybe, its too late and I'm too tired.

I don't know what message to impart on the world tonight. I guess there are no words. Just thoughts emotions. I am not quite sure what I'm exactly doing really.

Maybe, I can tell you what I'm feeling or what is on my mind. I'm trying out some ways to study for boards. I'm still seeing my crush as regularly. I don't know. We haven't really talk one on one, but seeing her make me happy. She just has that effect on me, seeing her lighten my day a little bit, and class just feels a little bit empty without her. I can't believe she still has such a big effect on me. And you know, I don't think she know about it. I don't really show it, or intentionally show it. I don't even know if we are meant for each other or even right for each other. We are so different in many ways, and I'm not even sure if we are compatible. Base on past experience, there is so many reason why I should stay away from her and move on. And which, I am currently trying, or so I hope.

But she has this effect on me. She can make me really happy and really sad. How did she get so much control over my emotions? It almost as if I am not even in possession of my emotions. She is like my cup of coffee. A little dose of her everyday, helps in some little ways. I know this is unhealthy, and I'm sure one day I will have to suffer for it.

But yesterday night, I asked myself an interesting questions. Why is she in my life? Why do we fall for people who we aren't meant for? Is she just another young love distraction that my older self will some day reminisce? Do she have to be? Or could I someday slip my arms around her and feel her body warmth? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds or how much pain I will have to pay for harboring such emotions for someone who I am unsure of my future with.

Life once again keeps me wondering. There is so much things I hoped for, but what will the result be? Who knows.

But, I did come to this one conclusion. While our path still cross, I want to be a positive influence to her life. I want to bring positiveness to her and help her reach her full potential. I want this. I want to be a positive influence for her. I choose to do it. And I hope, I can affect and influence her in some ways. And I find it funny, I consciously, want to be a positive influence in her life. I don't know anything about love or how to love someone. But I truly want the best for her. I want to see her succeed, thrive, be happy, and experience many joy in her life. She is a wonderful person, and I truly believe it.

I hope, I don't have to pay back to life the pain and suffering that I will feel for her if this ever crash to the ground. But maybe, at the end of the day, I can do one thing that Buddha has taught me. That at the end of the day, all that matter is  how much you love, how gently you lived, and how you let go of those that don't belong to you. And, and maybe with that, I can find peace going forward with my life. As long as our path still, I want to be a positive influence in her life.

Week 1: How much has changed in a year.

Yesterday, I went to my school mentor/mentee things. I can't believed it has already been a year. What I got most out it wasn't that I was bonding with my mentee. Obviously, I feel like he was much more mature than me and was ready to take on the world. I got a different feeling to the whole event. Things were so different today from a year ago.

A year back, I came there scared. I don't know who my mentee were. I didn't have any friends and I didn't know anybody. I wasn't really sure what to make out of the event after the dinner. I stood with my mentor watching a group of girls playing Powerpuff Balls. There was a girl in that group that caught my attention awhile back. I really didn't think too much about what she was to me or why I even bother to pay extra attention. At that time, I was just glad she was focus on the game, and I could feast my eyes on the site of her.

She wasn't necessary pretty or cute. I don't know, I just wanted to watch her play and her interaction with her teammate. It was a rare and nice moment. I was enjoying the game and the site of her. Afterward, a guy friend of mine drove me back to my car. I talked to a few classmate about anatomy. The dude that drove me back was one of my anatomy group mate. Things were so different back then. I didn't think too much about who these people are and what difference they will make in my life.

Flash forward, a year later, on this exact similar event, I was now the 2nd year waiting on me mentee. He end up showing up but was about 30 minutes late. I didn't bother too much about the details regarding him. He got it. I just knew it, but maybe he was trying a little bit hard to fit in. I wasn't sure if it true, but that was the vibe I got.

And when it came to the event, we played dodgeball. Its funny because the girl who I watched played last year was also in today's event.  I still kept my eyes on her. But there is so much element and factors that make this year feel extra different.

First, I wasn't alone anymore. I was with my group of friends. We sat together, talked to our younger peers, and we cheered on the game together as group. Secondly, I participated this time. I went to the event and I played. I was no longer the spectors but a contributing member. This time, all eyes were on me. I didn't contribute much, but I was there for the spirit cheer and the team buidling moments, and I did play a couple of rounds where I lost. But, it was still fun.

And you know, I don't want to point fingers too much or say something I have no proof, but it would be nice if the girl that I once watched, is now watching me. My team went against her team, and my team took the win. We then went on to fight for 3rd place. I was in there for a few moments and it was damn right fun. It was nice to knows that there were eyes on me. My friends were watching, my peers were viewing, and for once,  I was not just a spectator, but something more.

How much has things changed. Who knew, I grew. Who knew, I came out to my peers. Who knew, I became a stronger and more confident person. Who knew, I had to guts to after girls. I'm still not there yet, but one day, I will be the one asking.  How much has changed in a year.

Ps: I went to vietnam

Healthy Living: Meant To Be

I uh, bought a new camera today. I welcomed it into our family. And then, there are a part of me that wanted to cry. I visited my mentor today. We talked, laughed, and baffled around. And then, I shared with her the problem that has been troubling me for so long. I talked about my crush and the predicament. And, like many advice I have received in the past, my mentor echoed the same messaged.

I like her perspective and insight a lot because she gives a very unique spin to the situation. She brought something different to the table.

1. For one thing, she told me about her friends broken relationship. These were the pharm students who found each other in pharm school, dated through all 4 years, graduated as the perfect couple, and got engaged after graduation. These individuals had their life planned and with great partners who they would begin their life with. But only upon graduation did they realized that life has different plans for each of them. In one case, the couple broke up their engagement because she realized that she did not love heir fiance as much as she anticipated. She fell for someone else, he was a great big jerk, and she left the great man for a worser man.

And in the second case, the couple also had a great relationship in pharm school, got engaged, they separated for residency, and the girl was offered a wonderful pharm position for hopsital. However, she turned down the perfect opportunity to be with her boyfriend, only to realized that he went through a mid life crises and broke up the relationship. He questioned himself and his life decision and realized that he could not go through the wedding. It broke her heart and she lost a great opportunity at her first job offered.

"If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eye and say

“But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today"

With these two situation, my mentor highlighted the fact that 1. Life is unpredictabe. 2. That you should see this as a blessing. And in all cases, this is a truly a blessing. I find it odd how my mentor view it that way. What she highlighted was that even though breaking up an engagement is hard, its even worse to be in an unhappy marriage and have to break up the marriage. So, in many ways, you are "dodging a bullet". Funny how many time these expressions has been used at me.

My mentor helped put something in perspective to me. She told me that when you start a relationship, the minimal requirement is that you can see yourself happy with this person several years down the road. And, even though its a sad thing that my crush and I did not work out, it is so much better that I am realizing it right now, then 10 years down the road. We're incompatible. She's toxic to me. And, even though I think she has the potential to be a great person, I don't think I am the best fit for her nor is she best for me.

Why do life throw me these curveball? Honestly, I don't know, and I'll probably will never know.

2. A second point that my mentor pointed out to me was that " You are comprised of the 5 people most closet to you." You will act and behave similar to them.  These people have a strong influence on you and your life. They will change the way you think and the way you view world. So, pick wisely.

And that is kinda true. For the past semester, I have let my crush into get involved in my life. She became one of the top 5 people in my life at school. My mind was constantly occupied over her and literally took up 1/5 of my brain space, and to amplified with my burn out, and my sexuality issue, it was bumped to about 1/2. Things got quite bad. And, I really, there was a lot of toxic energy within me. I was literally trying my best to hold myself together for the last 2 months of school. I could not focus or concentrate in school. It was terrible. And, I kept telling myself "there is something wrong with me, there is something wrong with me, and I just can't put my hand on it.". And it was true, something was wrong with me. Something was dragging me down, pulling me down, and not only until the break did I have the time to dissect out the problem and addressed them individually.

And I realized, I have given my crush too much priority in my life. She take up so much brain space, and literally, I was miserable. Not until when she was gone, did I feel a lot better. I realized that medicine and studying long hours in medical school did have a toll on me. So, I can't completely point finger on my crush that it was HER, and HER alone that brought this trouble on. Truly, I could have taken better care of myself, and I deserved better. I love myself, and I truly believed I deserved someone who would love me and treat me well. Someone who can support me through the hard time and willing to walk to the rough time with me. Someone who is more compatible, and know I have my faith and my parents, and they are the things I most treasure in this world. I don't know what life will give me, but I know, I deserved better than this... much more, than this mess I'm in.

3. And the last thing I learned from my mentor is to "save my coins". She reminded to me that it is not my job to fix someone. It is not as authentic and long lasting than someone who can come up with it on their own. There are a lot of people who has fallen trapped to the idea of changing their significant others. But, truly, its the other way around. We are responsible for ourself and our personal development. It is not anyone job to fix you or change you. Change can only come from within and through one own free will. It rarely do work if other do that job for you. My mentor said the whole "beauty and the beast" thing is like playing with the lottery. If you are willing to play the lottery with a person, and try to change them, there is a chance that things will work. There is a chance that they will make it through. But it is very very rare, and often time, things will end in a broken relationship with a lot of pain and misery.

"The secret to getting over someone is to better yourself, love yourself, and surrounding yourself with those that love you."

"Find something to occupied yourself, and let time heal." 

So, what is there to be done? My mentor told me to save my coin, and when the time is right, buy the right product for its worth in a certain store. At first, I honestly don't know what she meant. But upon further inspect, and having her to explain that to me 3x, it really mean that saving your coins for the right person. Despite how terrible things are right now, and that I'm crying over someone who isn't right for me, that does not mean that there isn't someone  else who is out there that is compatible for me. As strange and foreign this concept may sounds right now, there are some amazing people out there that will one day love and cherished me. So, I should be open minded. And, so, I should save my coins so I can purchase something truly special when it does goes on sale.